# Offers You Are Not Supposed to Take (relationship advice needed) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 24, 2005, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266 "2005-05-24T15:47:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/41 "2005-05-24T22:24:56Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > I need help on how exactly to phrase my conversation with her […] “So it’s been real and everything, but it’s over. Buh bye!” Maybe that’s just me though. Little “loyalty tests”, or whatever the hell they are, are definitely a deal breaker, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/42 "2005-05-24T23:15:06Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > \I originally told her I couldn’t go because I couldn’t miss the Monday of work. So she responded with (and, while some of it is cultural/unintentional, some of it was quite premeditated) a barrage of guilt coupled with proposals of how I could make the trip and still only miss half a day of work. \ I missed this the first time around. “Cultural”? Her culture makes her act spoiled, selfish, thoughtless and mean? You need a better girlfriend, **Happy**. What I would do if I were you is dump her and get used to being by myself. You might also want to look into some counseling; you seem to have a trend of picking needy, manipulative, ballbreaking women. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/43 "2005-05-24T23:17:43Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > So I’m feeling more than a little unsettled about a situation I have with my current girlfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for about 9 months, almost immediately after **HSHExGF** and I broke up for good. She has certainly demonstrated her feelings more intensely than I have, having dropped the L-bomb twice, most recently this past Saturday. > > Now, I am a generally (my friends say extraordinarily) accommodating person when it comes to my time and efforts, but I feel a great deal of discomfort regarding this situation. So what sayest thou, Dopers? > **The Situation:** > > We’re doing a lot of things this summer that require me to travel a lot to see her (she’s in Boston, I’m in NYC). And she knows that I’m trying my ass off not to take any days off work, so I can get paid for them when I leave to go to law school in the fall (in Boston). > > There’s a wedding in Montreal (where she’s from originally), one of her closest friends from primary school, on Sunday June 3rd. I originally told her I couldn’t go because I couldn’t miss the Monday of work. So she responded with (and, while some of it is cultural/unintentional, some of it was quite premeditated) a barrage of guilt coupled with proposals of how I could make the trip and still only miss half a day of work. I genuinely want to be there with her and for her, especially since she likes almost no one else at the wedding and I don’t want her to be alone. She wants to be there for her friend, but doesn’t want to have to deal with the BS of the rest of the guests, and I wouldn’t want her to have to go through all that. > > So, in the end, I said I would go with her to the wedding, because I know it would mean a lot to her. The plan I ended up taking was to leave NYC on Friday, drive to Boston, sleep at her place, then drive from Boston to Montreal on Saturday, attend the wedding on Sunday, leave from the wedding to return to Boston, sleep at her place, and drive from Boston to work in NYC on Monday morning, missing half a day of work. That’s 540 miles each way. A good bit of driving. But again, she’s been on about how important it is, and what’s important to her is important to me. So we’re going to Montreal. > > She’s quite grateful to me for this. It means a lot to her that I am giving up this half-day, that I am doing all this driving. So she calls me up and says, “I’m really happy you’re coming to the wedding with me, and I know you’re sacrificing a lot, so if you want to skip out on Sheila’s (her roommmate, whom I’ve met four times, tops) wedding and go to Canada (the biggest regatta of the year and biggest party) with your friends (my best pals), then you should go.” > > Wow. Damn. Wow. Damn (Did I mention “wow” and “damn?”). That’s awful big of her. Huge. She thinks so much of what I’m doing that she’s going to let me go to this race (which I never miss) for the last time (thanks to law school and stricter employment). So I say, “That’s awful big of you and it means a lot to me that you’re making this compromise. It will be nice to go to Canada with my pals because I’ll never get to go again.” And I make with the niceness and dinners and such, because that’s a very generous thank-you she’s offered me. > > Unfortunately, now I am catching guilt for my decision. She’s aggressively guilting me into going to Sheila’s wedding. > “We’re one of only FOUR couples out of her friends that will be there.” > “What? You’re going to Canada? Just to drink with your friends?” > “The wedding is on Saturday. Can’t you drive from the wedding (Boston) to Canada? You’ll still make it in time to go out Sunday night.” > > Ummmm… what? > > I reversed a hard-and-fast rule to do one thing with you. I’m going to lose a day’s pay for that, plus, I’m driving a thousand miles to do it. And in return for this, you made an offer of equal magnanimity. And now you’re trying to guilt me out of accepting it? > > I feel like my nature is being taken for granted. I feel a little bit put upon, to tell the truth. > > If attending your roommate’s wedding was so important, you shouldn’t have told me that I could attend a weekend-long party with my best friends instead as a thank-you for something I did. Or, as my inner bastard put it, “Ummmm, excuse me, IF YOU SAID I COULD GO, DON’T BE MAD WHEN I DECIDE TO GO.” > > Somebody’s gonna resent somebody when this is all said and done, regardless of what happens. > > So, are my feelings justified here? > > And, since “what should I do?” is a lame question, let me ask this one: > > What would you do if you were me? She called you a liberal? Dude, that’s _cold_. 😉 Seriously - tell her this: "It’s your friggin’ _roommate_! Were it your mom, sister, brother, second-cousin twice removed on your second cousins side, I’d go, no questions asked. But it’s your _roommate_! When _my_ roommate gets married, you can skip out. Deal? Deal." ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/44 "2005-05-24T23:19:47Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > I need help on how exactly to phrase my conversation with her that is basically going to say, “I am going to Canada, in keeping with my plans and your suggestion, and, while I appreciate that Sheila’s wedding is important to you, I also appreciate that, at one point, you recognized the importance of Canada to me and I expect you to remember that when deciding whether or not to keep picking at this subject with me.” FWIW I’d throw in some pretty blunt references to respect and compromise. Her “letting” you go on your traditional guy trip isn’t even in the same ballpark with the sacrifices you’re making to go to her friend’s wedding. I hope I’m not out of line here, but her throwing ‘love’ around, pressing you to go to weddings and her manipulative assumptions of ownership of your time are pretty strong signals. If this were a rodeo, you’d be the calf–and she has you half-roped while you’re still in the chute. That burning smell is the branding iron heating up. Yeah, not a romantic metaphor but the way she’s acted is hardly romantic or loving either. I’d say at the very least back her off, _waaayyyy_ off. She’s making a hell of lot of demands on you. Even if you decide to stay in this relationship, keep in mind you’ve had a strong dose of what she considers ‘loving’. If this is her idea of compromise, you won’t own your own soul, much less time, job, friends, etc. Frankly I’d just go for the ‘you’re a wonderful girl and I’m sure you’ll make some man a wonderful wife’ speech–then run like hell in the opposite direction. Any way you choose, **Hero Pup** , best of luck to you. Veb ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/45 "2005-05-25T00:20:03Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > **AngelicGemma** , personal insults are not allowed outside of the Pit. Please don’t do it again. Why did you see fit to warn **AngelicGemma** , but not the person she was responding to? > [@msmith537](#): > > What are you a fucking child? ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/46 "2005-05-25T00:30:14Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > She’ll “let” you go? What are you a fucking child? Cool your flaming and invective, **msmith**. IMHO isn’t the place for it. If you’re that het up over the issue, take it to the Pit. TVeblen Pit/IMHO mod ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/47 "2005-05-25T00:31:29Z")
Wow, they’re fast around here. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/48 "2005-05-25T00:33:41Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Why did you see fit to warn **AngelicGemma** , but not the person she was responding to? Sorry for the oversight, **mhendo**. I read this thread and missed it too–and I’m partially responsible for this forum. ::cringes:: If you spot something amiss, please don’t hesitate to use the ‘report this post’ function. As was amply demonstrated, even several sets of seeking eyes can skim over things. Veb ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/49 "2005-05-25T00:39:07Z")
No need to apologize. I was just a bit surprised because usually when someone gets warned, the Mod is careful to check whether or not anyone else involved in the conversation was also guilty of the same thing. I figured it was just an accidental oversight, and i probably should have used proper channels rather than mention it in the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/50 "2005-05-25T00:43:19Z")
> [@](#): > > And if I catch guilt for that, oh, there’s going to be a loooooooong talk about priorities. Not that there won’t be anyway, but guilt over this will make it much less cordial. Is she in control of your emotions? Don’t rent her space for doing that in your head! Who can release you from your self-imposed sense of obligation? You have every right to your own plans, time, friends, choices, and feelings. That will not change even when you are a married person. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t show signs of understanding that. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/51 "2005-05-25T01:09:44Z")
**Zoe** , “catch guilt” is like “catch hell,” only a bit more specific. It doesn’t mean I’m going to feel guilt, but that someone will try to make me feel guilt (also see: “don’t guilt me”). Trust me, if a simple airing of my emotions prompts a negative response, bad stuff will happen. I’m not a doormat (maybe), I’m just easygoing. But if you get my hackles up, I’m the most stubborn Irishman you’d care to meet. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/52 "2005-05-25T01:40:24Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > OK, fine, msmith’s comments are hereby given consideration commensurate with his background. Hey, I guess if you know everything that’s why you’re asking the Internet for dating advice. I’m just trying to help YOU. But I guess if you don’t want advice from a guy who did the same exact long distance dating scenario as you AND gets no crap for going on vacations to Montreal, Rio de Janeiro and the Bahamas with his guy buddies as well as countless bachelor parties and dude’s nights out…well…that’s your business. > [@mhendo](#): > > Why did you see fit to warn AngelicGemma, but not the person she was responding to? Because I wasn’t calling the OP names. I was expressing to the OP that his SO is treating him like a child. I did not mean to imply that I thought he actually was one. > [@Campion](#): > > An attitude like that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because if you come near an independent woman with a suitcase like that, she’ll send you right back out to the train station to catch the next ride heading out of town. I know I would. What exactly is an “independent woman”? One who keeps her man on a tight leash like Happy Scrappy’s? Or maybe one who’s so career driven that she wakes up at 35 and starts freaking out about her biological clock? Have you ever asked why there’s no such thing as an “independent man”? An “independent woman” is also refered to as “single” because you can’t be completely independent in a relationship. Look, the fact is that woman control %50 of the vote in this country but they control %100 of the vagina. Their power comes from the threat of being able to take their vagina and go home. Of course, if they actually withold sex for any length of time, you would just up and take your chances on the open market. A man’s power comes from the fact that if a woman wants to have children (and most do because there is no stronger instinct than preservation of the species) she is basically playing a game of chicken with the point in time where it becomes more dificult to safely have children. Now occassionally you get a guy who I guess believes that this particular vagina is the only one he will ever see in his lifetime. He will basically put up with all kinds of shit for fear of being out in the “doghouse”. These are the guys who never hang out with their friends once they get a girlfriend. They are the ones who have to “get home early” and no one can figure out why they make the decisions they do. Happy Scrappy - You could break up with this girl, but what will happen with the next one? I think it’s important for you to go on your trip to Canada with your friends. Just be like “I’m going to Canada like I said I would and that’s that”. Just ignore her pouting - you won’t be able to hear it all the way from Boston. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/53 "2005-05-25T02:13:06Z")
**HHSP** > [@](#): > > I need help on how exactly to phrase my conversation with her that is basically going to say, “I am going to Canada, in keeping with my plans and your suggestion, and, while I appreciate that Sheila’s wedding is important to you, I also appreciate that, at one point, you recognized the importance of Canada to me and I expect you to remember that when deciding whether or not to keep picking at this subject with me.” How about the next time she brings it up in a guilt-laying way, you ask her point blank if she has a problem with you going out with your friends. Yes or no. If she says or implies that she does, remind her that it was her idea for you to go out with them, and that you are bothered by the contrary way she is acting now. Tell her that you are used to people meaning what they say and not playing guessing games. If she says she doesn’t have a problem, then ask her why her tone is so frequently accusatory. Provide examples. Let her know that you don’t appreciate it. I don’t know why you are still with this person, to tell the truth. Nine months is long enough to know where your heart is, and if “L-bombs” are bothering you, that’s not a good sign. I guess if you enjoy her company, that’s cool, but if she’s looking for a husband and you’re just looking for a companion with breasts I anticipate you having much worse conversations than this one in the near future. For her sake, I hope she is not clinging to the hope that one day you’ll wake up in love with her. If you haven’t told her where you stand with her, you should. ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/54 "2005-05-25T03:19:37Z")
My favorite sentence in the sroty was this one: “After the drama ensued there were back-ups for about 15 minutes, but then traffic cleared to its normal levels.” ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/55 "2005-05-25T03:40:12Z")
Just one comment. I hope the wedding date of June 3rd was a typo, because up here in Montreal, June 3rd is a Friday. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/56 "2005-05-25T04:45:44Z")
Any chance you two could fly? There are some pretty good deals (from New York, at least). The drive is easy but boring. And I do hope you clear up the date thing (hopefully you meant the 5th). I may be the only person here who’s not going to recommend you break up with your SO (though the fact that you’re posting so liberally means she’s not a SDMB frequenter, which is a definite minus). I assume you make a few demands in the relationship, too. Two weddings in a month is a lot, but perhaps she’s using them as excuses to see you and to show you off. Maybe she’s expecting a little much, especially since you’ll be missing work, but I’m hardly suspicious of her motives. I definitely think you should go up North with your friends. You don’t even have to mention it until she does, then feign innocence “But you told me to go. We already booked a hotel.” But what’s with this anti-Montreal/pro-Canada stance? You do know Montreal is still technically part of Canada, right? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/57 "2005-05-25T05:08:06Z")
The **L-bomb**??? I take it you don’t love this girl? I mean, it’s been 9 months, and you think it’s noteworthy that she’s “dropped the L-bomb” twice… have you said I love you to her? If you don’t love her now, you never will. Why are you wasting your time with her? ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/58 "2005-05-25T09:09:05Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > The **L-bomb**??? > > I take it you don’t love this girl? I mean, it’s been 9 months, and you think it’s noteworthy that she’s “dropped the L-bomb” twice… have you said I love you to her? > > If you don’t love her now, you never will. Why are you wasting your time with her? I have to agree with this. 9 months is a long time to be dating someone, and still freak out about the ‘L-bomb’. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/59 "2005-05-25T09:38:48Z")
Yeah, but we don’t know what type of L-bombing this was. Was it carpet L-bombing? Smart L-bombing? I could see how if his girlfriend was neutron L-bombing him that it might be a problem. Hell, maybe it was suicide L-bombing! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/60 "2005-05-25T12:13:54Z")
HSHP, A lot of people here seem to be thinking “what the hell are you doing with this women, much less giving up your precious vacation days to go to a wedding for a friend of hers.” - You’ve been dating nine months, but you are uncomfortable that she has said she loves you. This is a big neon sign with flashing lights that this is not a good long term thing for you, but she’s planning on the color of bridesmaids dresses. I’m not fond of the “madly in love after three weeks” - but by nine months the idea shouldn’t make you squeemish. - She seems to be a manipulative bitch - which is a good enough reason not to fall in love with her. From your posts she seems rather controlling and insistant that this relationship should have her in the center of it. Personally, I wouldn’t be interested in a long term relationship like that. - Once you start taking weekend long trips to go to weddings of childhood friends, she is going to start wondering if the ring comes for her birthday or Christmas. - If, indeed, it isn’t long term for you, why are you wasting your time (and hers). Hope the sex is good (assuming this relationship has that level of physicality), but personally it does seem kind of cruel to use a woman you don’t love for sex. - I’d call her today, tell her you are sorry, but you can’t go to the wedding. That you wish her every happiness in the future, but you are not the guy long term for her and you are sorry you didn’t have the balls to tell her this weeks ago. I regret few things in my life. But I do regret the weekends/holidays/vacations I gave up to spend with people who were “insignificant others.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266.md?page=4)