# Offers You Are Not Supposed to Take (relationship advice needed) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 24, 2005, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266 "2005-05-24T15:47:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/61 "2005-05-25T20:31:56Z")
My two cents worth: From what you described, she needs to become **HSHExGF** the 2nd as soon as possible. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2005, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/62 "2005-05-26T12:58:15Z")
Wow. Three hours of argument later: here we have it. **Her side:** she believed that she was opening up dialogue on whether I would go with my pals and that we would discuss it further. She didn’t know how important the trip was to me. **My side:** you offered, I’m accepting, you should not have offered without considering what you’d do if I accepted. And even if the trip was across the street (or similarly inconsequential), saying “you should go” means you’ve at least considered the possibility that I would go. She also admitted that she perhaps depends on me being around a whole lot and doesn’t take into consideration that this is a long-distance relationship. And this is, to a large degree, true. I am not blameless in this; the fact that I have weekends pretty much free does mean that we see each other as much as we would if we lived ten minutes away from each other (what with her in med school and me working full-time). So the appearance of normalcy (the base of which I inadvertently created) caused her to assume or create development where less (or none) existed. Having that out in the open will either clarify the relationship or end it, but one of those had to come anyway, better through discussion than through fighting. So I’m going to St. Catharines with my friends in August. And, in the meantime, we have a fresher look at the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2005, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/63 "2005-05-26T16:59:10Z")
Yay! ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2005, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/64 "2005-05-26T21:42:59Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > So I’m feeling more than a little unsettled about a situation I have with my current girlfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for about 9 months, almost immediately after **HSHExGF** and I broke up for good. She has certainly demonstrated her feelings more intensely than I have, having dropped the L-bomb twice, most recently this past Saturday. > > Now, I am a generally (my friends say extraordinarily) accommodating person when it comes to my time and efforts, but I feel a great deal of discomfort regarding this situation. So what sayest thou, Dopers? > **The Situation:** > > We’re doing a lot of things this summer that require me to travel a lot to see her (she’s in Boston, I’m in NYC). And she knows that I’m trying my ass off not to take any days off work, so I can get paid for them when I leave to go to law school in the fall (in Boston). > > There’s a wedding in Montreal (where she’s from originally), one of her closest friends from primary school, on Sunday June 3rd. I originally told her I couldn’t go because I couldn’t miss the Monday of work. So she responded with (and, while some of it is cultural/unintentional, some of it was quite premeditated) a barrage of guilt coupled with proposals of how I could make the trip and still only miss half a day of work. I genuinely want to be there with her and for her, especially since she likes almost no one else at the wedding and I don’t want her to be alone. She wants to be there for her friend, but doesn’t want to have to deal with the BS of the rest of the guests, and I wouldn’t want her to have to go through all that. > > So, in the end, I said I would go with her to the wedding, because I know it would mean a lot to her. The plan I ended up taking was to leave NYC on Friday, drive to Boston, sleep at her place, then drive from Boston to Montreal on Saturday, attend the wedding on Sunday, leave from the wedding to return to Boston, sleep at her place, and drive from Boston to work in NYC on Monday morning, missing half a day of work. That’s 540 miles each way. A good bit of driving. But again, she’s been on about how important it is, and what’s important to her is important to me. So we’re going to Montreal. > > She’s quite grateful to me for this. It means a lot to her that I am giving up this half-day, that I am doing all this driving. So she calls me up and says, “I’m really happy you’re coming to the wedding with me, and I know you’re sacrificing a lot, so if you want to skip out on Sheila’s (her roommmate, whom I’ve met four times, tops) wedding and go to Canada (the biggest regatta of the year and biggest party) with your friends (my best pals), then you should go.” > > Wow. Damn. Wow. Damn (Did I mention “wow” and “damn?”). That’s awful big of her. Huge. She thinks so much of what I’m doing that she’s going to let me go to this race (which I never miss) for the last time (thanks to law school and stricter employment). So I say, “That’s awful big of you and it means a lot to me that you’re making this compromise. It will be nice to go to Canada with my pals because I’ll never get to go again.” And I make with the niceness and dinners and such, because that’s a very generous thank-you she’s offered me. > > Unfortunately, now I am catching guilt for my decision. She’s aggressively guilting me into going to Sheila’s wedding. > “We’re one of only FOUR couples out of her friends that will be there.” > “What? You’re going to Canada? Just to drink with your friends?” > “The wedding is on Saturday. Can’t you drive from the wedding (Boston) to Canada? You’ll still make it in time to go out Sunday night.” > > Ummmm… what? > > I reversed a hard-and-fast rule to do one thing with you. I’m going to lose a day’s pay for that, plus, I’m driving a thousand miles to do it. And in return for this, you made an offer of equal magnanimity. And now you’re trying to guilt me out of accepting it? > > I feel like my nature is being taken for granted. I feel a little bit put upon, to tell the truth. > > If attending your roommate’s wedding was so important, you shouldn’t have told me that I could attend a weekend-long party with my best friends instead as a thank-you for something I did. Or, as my inner bastard put it, “Ummmm, excuse me, IF YOU SAID I COULD GO, DON’T BE MAD WHEN I DECIDE TO GO.” > > Somebody’s gonna resent somebody when this is all said and done, regardless of what happens. > > So, are my feelings justified here? > > And, since “what should I do?” is a lame question, let me ask this one: > > What would you do if you were me? DTB ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2005, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/65 "2005-05-26T21:52:14Z")
> [@ouryL](#): > > DTB Dose This Broad? Ditzy Troubled Basketcase? Dame’s Been Tokin’? Help me out here, can I buy a vowel? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2005, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/66 "2005-05-26T22:02:24Z")
> [@Maureen](#): > > Dose This Broad? > Ditzy Troubled Basketcase? > Dame’s Been Tokin’? > Help me out here, can I buy a vowel? Dump the bitch, I’m assuming. ---
**Author:** ![Cyros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@Cyros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyros)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2005, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/67 "2005-05-26T22:23:29Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > Wow. Three hours of argument later: here we have it. > > **Her side:** she believed that she was opening up dialogue on whether I would go with my pals and that we would discuss it further. She didn’t know how important the trip was to me. > > **My side:** you offered, I’m accepting, you should not have offered without considering what you’d do if I accepted. And even if the trip was across the street (or similarly inconsequential), saying “you should go” means you’ve at least considered the possibility that I would go. > > \ > So I’m going to St. Catharines with my friends in August. And, in the meantime, we have a fresher look at the relationship. I’m pleased that things seem to be okay for the moment, but I really hope you let her know that playing games is not something adults do in relationships. Making an offer to appease you and then being pissed when you take it is manipulative and ridiculous and it’s not normal or acceptable to behave like that. Perhaps just mention,“Now that we’ve had this conversation, I trust that I can take everything you say at face value.” ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2005, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/68 "2005-05-26T23:03:51Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > So the appearance of normalcy (the base of which I inadvertently created) caused her to assume or create development where less (or none) existed. Having that out in the open will either clarify the relationship or end it, but one of those had to come anyway, better through discussion than through fighting. > So I’m going to St. Catharines with my friends in August. And, in the meantime, we have a fresher look at the relationship. I’m sorry, I don’t understand. What does “create development where less (or none) existed” mean? Does it mean she is thinking (understandably) that you guys are in a serious relationship whereas you are thinking it’s just a fling? Because I’m sorry but 9 months seems rather long for a “fling.” While she sounds rather controlling and manipulative, it appears as if you’ve been leading the poor girl on for quite awhile. I hope you can offer some clarification. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/69 "2005-05-27T01:20:31Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > I’m sorry, I don’t understand. What does “create development where less (or none) existed” mean? Does it mean she is thinking (understandably) that you guys are in a serious relationship whereas you are thinking it’s just a fling? I can clarify, not too much now, because I have to crawl into bed, but more tomorrow. Long version: we’ve been at nine months of seeing each other about 3 weekends out of 4 and talking on the phone 15 to 20 minutes most nights. For me, this doesn’t seem like a lot of time for development- not that I’m averse to it, but we don’t spend a lot of time together that would be conducive to the little discoveries about the other person that mark the gradual growth of a relationship. Of the three weeknds a month we see each other, I drive to see her most of them, because the 8 hours per weekend that I’m driving, she can use those to study. So a lot of her non-school/non-practice hours are spent with me, whereas I invest a lot of time in transit; she’s been shielded from the mundanities that go along with maintaining a relationship, so, to her perception, it’s much easier than it is to mine, plus, it seems like she falls into things faster than I do (thanks to my last relationship, I’m quite guarded). Short version: If there’s a “relationship timeline” inside peoples’ heads, she’s further along on hers than I am on mine. I don’t think it’s a “fling,” but I think she’s treating me as in deeper than I am. Does that make more sense? I get the feeling that it doesn’t, but that’s all I’ve got right now. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/70 "2005-05-27T02:08:15Z")
The fact that you haven’t reacted badly to her being called a bitch numerous times on this board should be a red flag. All this for St. Catharines, Ontario" I hope you’ll be doing a wine tour. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/71 "2005-05-27T03:36:16Z")
Thanks **Happy** for the explanation. It makes a bit more sense, but I can still completely see where she’s coming from with regards to where she feels you guys are at. 3 weekends a month plus a phone call every night for 9 months still sounds like a fairly serious relationship. It should still sound alarm bells that you appear to get antsy about the “L bomb” in that amount of time. It’s not like you guys have only seen each other one night each month for 9 months. The fact that you drive 8 hours total to spend the weekend with her practically every weekend makes it appear as if you’re a lot more into the relationship than you say you are. That’s a lot of driving to maintain what you’re implying you feel is a casual thing. Most people wouldn’t put that kind of time and effort into someone they’re not feeling pretty serious about. What I’m trying to say is, she’s probably going to assume you’ve been stringing her along and frankly, it appears that way to me as well. If you haven’t fallen in love with her at this point, you’re probably never going to and it’s not really fair to her to avoid dealing with a situation that’s very much there. If you want to do the decent thing, I’d strongly urge you to talk to her about it, sooner rather than later. I know you said you’re going to, I just want to make sure you do, for her sake. You might want to be prepared for some anger coming from her, as well. You’re not coming off real well here. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/72 "2005-05-27T12:59:38Z")
**CatFight** , if I had a dime for every time someone threw a baseless insult at someone else over the Internet, I’d have… (carry the 2)… a whole lot of dimes. People who only get my side of one instance can’t make an accurate judgment about a person, so why indulge them. Is she _being_ a bitch here? Not really. She should have thought her offer through a bit more, but she’s not being deliberately cruel. **lezlers** , I see what you’re saying. And we actually had a talk about this. The disparity of our feelings has come up as a topic twice, both serious, sit-down, face-to-face talks. My answer to her regarding the disparity is that I do care for her and I do want to be with her, but she can’t expect me to immediately be as intense about this relationship as I was about my last. That doesn’t mean I don’t care, but I just can’t. And I shouldn’t be expected to. This is enough for her. Remember, we met when I was still with (and in love with) **HSHExGF**. The first time we hung out together was at a party when a mutual friend of mine and **HSHExGF** decided (while hammered, of course) it’d be a good idea to stand over me, drill-sargeant-style, and yell at me about what a whore **HSHExGF** is. So it’s not like I have misled her in any way about why I’m a bit reserved. In addition, she has said herself that she doesn’t see my repeated trips to Boston as entirely about her. I do have good friends there, who I see occasionally, and I am moving there in August for law school. Are my trips primarily for her? Sure they are, but they’re also because hanging out in Boston is a better time, 3 weekends out of 4, than staying in NYC. Is it an ideal situation? Of course it’s not. Do I want to end it? No. But the fact of the matter is that circumstance has put us where we are now, and we’ll either make the best of it or realize that it’s entirely unmanageable. I’m certainly not leading her on. In fact, I would say it’s quite the opposite. I’ve been more blunt with her about where my head and heart are than anyone I have ever been with. Because I wanted her to know from the very beginning that I wasn’t all there and couldn’t be treated as such. I think I even used the words “caveat emptor.” ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/73 "2005-05-27T13:10:48Z")
Do recognize that people often hear and interpret what they want to hear and interpret…even after two sit down heart to heart serious talks. This relationship sounds a lot like one of mine. Distance. Him falling harder for me than I did for him. Me coming off a previous bad relationship and taking it slow. Him not really listening to what I was saying - we’d have serious talks and then three weeks later be at the same spot. Him (and to some extent me) blaming all my emotional distance on the previous relationship and not on the core truth - I would never fall in love with him. The problem at the end became that he had convinced himself all of our (read “my”) problems with the relationship had to do with how I’d been damaged and that his role was to “fix me.” And at the end I realized that few of “our” (“my”) problems had anything at all to do with previous relationships and he wasn’t the guy for me. Thank god for the distance or I would have needed a restraining order. I did move in with my parents briefly after he wouldn’t stop calling and drove two hours to show up unannounced. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/74 "2005-05-27T14:24:47Z")
I can understand why many people think you should break up with her, but I disagree. Maybe if this were going to be a long distance relationship for the forseeable future, but you’re moving to Boston soon, and that’s going to change the entire dynamic. I think it’s likely that being close to each other will bring a new clarity to the relationship; possiblity it’ll become clear that the relationship isn’t going to work out. Or maybe once the stress of maintaining a relationship long distance is gone, the relationship will be able to grow. I think it would be premature to end your relationship before you see what changes moving (geographically) closer will bring. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/75 "2005-05-27T15:37:48Z")
**ouryL** , you felt the need to quote the whole OP (which, by the way, we all have read) to give a three consonant reply? I agree with **Dangerosa** , **HSHP** - it sounds like your girlfriend is hearing what she wants to hear. I also agree with **The Weird One** - your dynamic _will_ change once you’re in Boston, and it might shake things out. A word of advice, though - once you’re in Boston, make sure you are very firm about your boundaries with her. I can picture a day when you are still telling us you’re not really in love with her, as you move into her apartment. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/76 "2005-05-27T16:02:51Z")
Well, hopefully she’s not hearing what she wants to hear about the boundary talk either, because we had that one, too. Firmly, I might add. I’ll be in my first year of law school, something from which no relationship I know has emerged unscathed. I am, in the intellectual sense, going to get the crap beaten out of me every day, then be told to go home and administer further beatings to MYSELF. And remember, I haven’t been a full-time student since 1994, so I’ll have to re-learn all the little things that go with that. She, on the other hand, will be in her fourth year of medical school, which, I am given to understand, is not the same drain on time that the previous three were. So she’ll have lots of time on her hands, and I will no longer be a four-hour drive away. We sat down and I laid all this out for her and told her that there was no way to expect our amount of time spent together to increase that first academic year. She (and this is where I hope **Dangerosa** is wrong) said that she understood that and would not push the issue. So if distance is a barrier, I hope that eliminating it will not increase expectations of time spent. And I have been blunt and up-front about this, quite frankly, because I am more than a little intimidated by the prospect of having all this schoolwork dumped on me, with so much at stake. I have no idea what is in store for me (but everyone says “pure hell”), and this is my future, so addressing it will come first. She gets all this (or says she does). I do think my moving to Boston will clarify the relationship. It’s easy to romanticize things or ignore problems just because it’s no good to argue when you see so little of the other person. But at the point where we will HAVE to start integrating our lives (even on a purely social/“what are you doing tonight?” level), I think we will see whether or not we’re truly compatible or just everyday boyfriend/girlfriend with high EZPass bills. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/77 "2005-05-27T16:26:38Z")
I hope, if you do like this woman, that I am wrong as well. We can’t see inside the relationship from outside on a message board - we can only read what you tell us and extrapolate from our own experiences. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/78 "2005-05-27T17:29:22Z")
Thanks for the further clarification, **Happy**. Trust me, I understand what you’re about to go through, I’ll be starting my third year (of a four year program) of law school in September. This is on top of working two part-time jobs (one being a clerkship). Your life is about to change dramatically. Fortunately for me, my boyfriend is also a law student so we actually see _more_ of each other around exam time! Your GF should be pretty understanding though, as a fourth year med student. Their academic schedule is just as grueling as ours. I stand by my assessment though, that if you haven’t fallen in love with her by now, you’re probably not ever going to. You may have other reasons for driving up to Boston almost every weekend, but I doubt she sees that. My concern arises out of having been in her position with an X. After about 3 months I was dumped due to there being “no spark.” I was _so_ hurt, but more than hurt, I was confused. The confusion was what drove me nuts because his _actions_ didn’t mesh with his words, you know? He went out of his way to see me regularly. He wanted to introduce me to his friends and family. Our sex life was…well if there was no spark I’d love to see him when there _was_ one. His actions very much conveyed that there _was_ a spark. At one point, I had felt that he was even more into the relationship than _I_ was! After telling him to take his spark and shove it up his ass, I spent a _long_ time trying to make sense of it. The confusion was so much worse than the hurt, and I wasn’t even in love with the guy. The point of this really long-winded story? I was looking at his actions, not listening to his words. They just spoke so much louder. Your actions aren’t meshing with your words. I gurantee you she’s looking at your actions and not listening to your words. You’re going to have to make them match up to avoid a great deal of confusion and hurt on her part. ---
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/79 "2005-05-27T22:12:54Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > I’ll be in my first year of law school, something from which no relationship I know has emerged unscathed. I am, in the intellectual sense, going to get the crap beaten out of me every day, then be told to go home and administer further beatings to MYSELF. Mine survived quite fine. Ignore that bullshit from Scott Turow’s _1L_ and all of the other slappies who get their jollies stating doom and gloom prophecies about it. It’s all self-pitying masturbation by a bunch of martyrs who want to feel like they are working so much harder than the rest of the world. You need to ignore people who treat law school like that, and pretend it is something that it isn’t. You get the same bullshit from people in law school that you got in college. “Man, I was up for 48 hours straight working on 3 papers, my courseload is so hard, blah blah.” Yeah, because he spent the last four weeks jacking around playing Unreal Tournament from 1 until 5 every day after class, and spent the night finding little “out of the way” art shows to go to. Some people want to make anything they went through seem as though it is a trial by fire. Unfortunately, with the number of attorneys we pump out every year, by definition, law school cannot be a trial by fire, as hundreds of thousands of people are not bright enough or strong enough to survive such a thing. Do not turn law school into that, with regard to your relationships or otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/80 "2005-05-28T05:14:31Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > \I was looking at his actions, not listening to his words. They just spoke so much louder. Your actions aren’t meshing with your words. I gurantee you she’s looking at your actions and not listening to your words. You’re going to have to make them match up to avoid a great deal of confusion and hurt on her part. Yeah, that’s what I was trying to say. "Your words say “no”, but your eyes say “yes.” I would bet you a dollar that’s what your girlfriend is doing, too. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266.md?page=5)