# Official Straight Dope RIOT now in effect! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 30, 2000, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942 "2000-05-30T21:09:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Sledman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Sledman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sledman)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/41 "2000-05-31T21:26:08Z")
Beware… rumor has it that they have cloned Bull Conner to try to quell the riot. Holy cow, they have a water cannon!! We need a diversion! {Starts the Donut shop on fire) That’ll hold em’. Let’s get that cannon!!! Remember the… We need something to rally around… Remember BratMan’s Groin!!! ---
**Author:** ![Shadowfox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Shadowfox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadowfox)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/42 "2000-05-31T23:04:28Z")
> [@](#): > > **Remember BratMan’s Groin!!!** **Now there is a rallying call if I have ever heard one!** You like my new outfit? I looted it…errr, I bought it from that burned out store over there. I also got this kick-ass DVD player and big screen tv loaded up in the back of my 18-wheeler truck, which I really need to get out of here before the SWAT Team ramming tanks show up. Party at Shadowfox’s house! ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/43 "2000-06-01T01:26:39Z")
::The Red Shark drives up to the Winter Palace. Dr. Derleth gets out, and consumes some unknown substance he calls ‘shrooms’. He quickly begins to rant about manta rays, and runs into the Palace’s courtyard. He overpowers the guards by tossing ether on them, and they begin to gibber and stagger about. Dr. Derleth enters the Palace, and proceeds to do unmentionable things right on the carpet. Most of the rest of the tape has been censored due to concerns for public decency. I have summarised the rest, but keep in mind that the original…flavor…has been lost. Good riddance.:: I must kill you all. The rays have come in, they’ll do worse things than me. AAAAAARRGH! ::He begins to toss his spear into various breakables. It eventually beaks. He screams.:: AAAAAAA! ::His screams bring guards, who must leave just as quickly. They can be heard retching.:: RIOT! ::The tape once again becomes clogged. The debris defy description. I have to stop now.:: ---
**Author:** ![Wood\_Thrush](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b38774/32.png) [@Wood\_Thrush](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wood_Thrush)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/44 "2000-06-01T02:42:58Z")
YEEE-HAH\*\*\*!\*\*\* I always wanted me a new DVD player\*\*\*!\*\*\* :::drives off in **Shadowfox** ’s 18–wheeler before he can get in the cabin, the DVD player and kickass TV still in the back::: ::: **Shadowfox** screams back to **Wood Thrush** , “DVDs will be obsolete in a few years anyway!”::: ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/45 "2000-06-01T05:32:29Z")
WooHoo! A **RIOT**! I’m not too late, am I? I got held up down at the courthouse. Say, Eve, what do you think of this outfit? Does the lowcut, torn purple tank top go with these bleached denim cutoffs? Are these the proper shoes for this? \ Cool! Someone hand me a brick or something! I wanna light someone’s _fire_ too! Where’s the torches? BratMan, honey, come here, let me massage that for you. There, there, is that better? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![InsanityIncarnate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7cd45c/32.png) [@InsanityIncarnate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InsanityIncarnate)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/46 "2000-06-01T07:00:05Z")
Wearing Tie dye shirt and pants. several peace symbols on necklaces. Hey can’t we all get along do we need this violence? Hey who threw that tear gas? Your in for it now. Goes into phone booth changes into medieval garb. Grabs sword and shield out of car. I don’t care if they are padded I’ll hold off the cops for a little while. Remember Bratmans Groin!!! You know that sounds a little wrong someone think of a new one and try to get me a real sword or at least a wooden one this is going to break against those clubs so fast… ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/47 "2000-06-01T13:24:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > BratMan, honey, come here, let me massage that for you. There, there, is that better? 😉 > \*\* Thank you, purplebear, you’re a real sweetie. Would you mind moving your hand just a touch to the left? OH! That’s the spot! Now where’s that quack of a doctor? We need to prove to him that I’m ok to participate in the post-riot activities. 😃 > [@](#): > > \*\* > Remember Bratmans Groin!!! You know that sounds a little wrong someone think of a new one . . . > \*\* You’re just jealous cuz nobody’s rallying around your groin. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/48 "2000-06-01T13:47:35Z")
You look lovely, purplebear—now, here’s a nice piece of black-painted metal pipe and a dove-gray paving stone for you. Looks very chic, and coordinates with the purple tank top. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/49 "2000-06-01T14:25:24Z")
Uh oh, gang…here comes **TubaDiva,** looking to bounce euphonium off cranium. Looks like she’s got her gang with her, too…one shaggy Wall Streeter, one Guinness-swilling elf, one cynical atheist, Cary Grant, one shaving-obsessed Toledoean, and a greasy haired doofus… – Uke, diving down a manhole, lighting himself a candle, not wearing sandals, trying to avoid scandals ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/50 "2000-06-01T15:23:13Z")
My non-smoker meter: 18 hours, 44 minutes and 19 seconds. 11 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1.81. Life saved: 55 minutes. AND I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND!!! _**runs amok in a nicotine-induced-craving-insanity sort of way, that can only be truly understood if you were ever in a nicotive-induced-craving-insanity sort of way. Remember the old Incredible Hulk? Ever wonder how Bruce Banner felt emotionally during the physical tranformation into the Hulk? THIS IS IT DAMMIT!!!**_ _ **BratMan hurls himself through a window, then proceeds to pull parking meters out of the ground and swing them wildly in front of him. Flips a Volkswagon Beetle one-handed, then, realizing there’s no pain in his groin, goes after larger automoblies. We should all stay out of his way until the berserker rage passes.** _ ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/51 "2000-06-01T15:27:37Z")
::: Bursting onto the scene in a Christian Dior strapless gown :: Death to Tommy Hellflinger! DIE J Crew! :: poking through the rubble for some matching Doc Martens; peering over purplebear’s shoulder at Our Beloved Groin :: ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/52 "2000-06-01T17:07:27Z")
> [@](#): > > You quack. I want a second opinion! Ok, you’re ugly, too. Ba da bum, ching! > [@](#): > > Now where’s that quack of a doctor? We need to prove to him that I’m ok to participate in the post-riot activities. Excuse me, I made a mistake. I thought surely the lack of size was due to injury, but if you say that’s normal then I recind my diagnosis. Party as best you can, dude. :: Doc walks away, shaking his head and muttering “I’ve lanced bigger bumps than that.” :: > [@](#): > > AND I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND!!! ::Sensing another billable, Doc returns quickly:: Cool! I do psychiatry as well! Just ask Sqrlcub. Now, if you’ll lie down on this sofa I borrowed from the burning furniture store, we can begin. You never really liked your Mother, did you? ---
**Author:** ![panamajack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/47e85d/32.png) [@panamajack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panamajack)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/53 "2000-06-01T21:16:31Z")
(sung to the tune of “Grapefruit Diet” by W. A. Yankovic) Who’s inciting SDMB To rise up and spread anarchy? In the realm of the smartest man – Cecil Adams? “Yes, I am”. Bratman came to play Now he can’t walk straight at all But don’t run away 'Cause Doc Jackson’ll take the fall Straight Dope Riot! Gang up on UncleBeer Straight Dope Riot! Throw bricks but don’t muss your hair Just protesting was way too bland Concrete started it; but he’s banned Teeming Millions across the land Hey! Let’s stick it to the man! We might all get kicked if ol’ Cecil comes around Ellen’ll take him out in her strapless evening gown Straight Dope Riot! Throw out UncleBeer Straight Dope Riot! Keep Eutychus out of here. You’re in a Straight Dope Riot! ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/54 "2000-06-01T23:51:53Z")
Riots are soooo pedestrian. If you want results, we need a PAC. Trouble is none of us has any dough. Rats. Lisa, shrugging her shoulders and tossing a Molatov cocktail. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2000, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/55 "2000-06-02T13:25:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > (sung to the tune of “Grapefruit Diet” by W. A. Yankovic) > \*\* I liked your spoof and all, but Weird Al got that from “Zoot Suit Riot” by the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies. ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2000, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/56 "2000-06-02T13:43:47Z")
_runs around breaking in her new Nike sneakers_ You know I wonder if this is what they meant when they said “Just Do It”… _tosses a brick at a window and breaks it then reaches in and takes the candy_ Yummy I got the dessert! _stuffs her pockets of her new cargos full… looks at the police surrounding her_ Um… I’m innocent I swear _ducks and runs_ Help! ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2000, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/57 "2000-06-02T14:25:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > _runs around breaking in her new Nike sneakers_ You know I wonder if this is what they meant when they said “Just Do It”… \*\* Slide on over my way Topaz, I’ll show you what they meant. 😉 > [@](#): > > \*\*_tosses a brick at a window and breaks it then reaches in and takes the candy_ Yummy I got the dessert! _stuffs her pockets of her new cargos full… looks at the police surrounding her_ Um… I’m innocent I swear _ducks and runs_ Help! > \*\* _runs to rescue Topaz. Throws mace and sprays bricks at the police officers. The police overpower BratMan as he suddenly realizes he’s done that backwards._ Timeout, timeout!! I get a do-over! Attaca! Attaca! Attaca! ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2000, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/58 "2000-06-02T14:43:47Z")
> [@](#): > > Slide on over my way Topaz, I’ll show you what they meant. Sure sounds like fun 😃 _watches as the police get him_ Hey! Leave him alone! _she tosses a frag grenade into the fray covering her eyes and then runs in grabs Bratman and drags him out to a safehouse_ You okay? ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/59 "2000-06-06T06:35:36Z")
::Dr. Derleth attacks police in a drunken rage. His fists crack bones, rend livers, etc. Guns just make him go stronger.:: Viva la Revolution! ::Dr. Derleth screams some epithets in various languages, including an obscure African one only spoken by one tribe in the Congo Basin. He says something in Aramaic that makes your humble narrator’s toes curl.:: Come! This way! Plenty loot! ::Dr. Derleth hops in the Red Shark and drives off to the residential district. Police cars, the few left, give chase until he begins to toss rocks and large gas bombs at them. The few left after that peel off and go to defend the police station. The rest of the rioters follow the Red Shark like so many rabid, raucous zombies.:: ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942/60 "2000-06-06T15:55:47Z")
Since there’s only been one post here in the last 4 days, does that mean the riot is over? Can we start the post-riot orgies now? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/official-straight-dope-riot-now-in-effect/20942.md?page=2)