# Oh, Dear Lord, Brandine wants to Be Friends **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 30, 2004, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739 "2004-05-30T01:51:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/81 "2004-06-01T13:14:02Z")
And lo, the people were commanded not to have a sense of humor, because somebody decided it was mean. Eve has not pretended to do anything. On the other hand, she has been more polite to this woman than she would like to. This can hardly be called mean. Instead she’s voicing her annoyance at this woman’s cluelessness on a message board and not insulting her to her face. Why is this wrong? And how is Eve be taking advantage of her? She’s trying to avoid her. This is a definition of the word I’m not familiar with. If anything, Brandine is trying to take advantage of Eve by drafting her into editing her book, using her as a character, and getting her involved in her personal problems. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/82 "2004-06-01T13:14:31Z")
> [@devilsknew](#): > > Indignant, Eve? > :mad: I’m mildly indignant at your total lack of comprehension, yes. I have been nothing but helpful and gracious to this pushy, loud, obnoxious woman, who has dismayed the entire neighborhood with her _Reno 911_-like carryings-on, rather than shutting the door in her face; then I bitch about her _on an anonymous message board_ and you’re all bent out of shape? I’m “stealing her dignity?” You seriously need a sense of proportion, dear heart. _And_ a Harriet Carter catalog. I’m sure she has a cow toilet-seat cover with your name on it. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/83 "2004-06-01T13:30:57Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > If I were a doctor, would they lay down on my dining room table and ask for free open-heart surgery? It probably beats a pelvic exam. Tell us when Cletus camps out on the doorstep singing “On the Street Where You Live.” ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/84 "2004-06-01T13:34:14Z")
> [@AmyG](#): > > It might make living near her utterly miserable, but you may not have to worry about her trying to be your friend anymore. Not funny. While I tend to support those who give the OP a dressing down for snobbery, I’m also confident that one who so eloquently defends etiquette—however it is spelled—knows enough to _not_ make Brandine feel badly about her personal style, manners, or artistic taste. I’m sure Brandine is doing her best. My sister is an HR person. When she was working at another firm down state, she had to teach some basic descriptive statistics to the employees as part of a quality control program. Part of this, of course, included teaching basic arithematic. A woman in the plant approached her and thanked her for teaching her to add and subtract, because now she could take control of her own checking account and finally get away from the manipulative and abusive husband who had been terrorizing her. It is _not_ **Eve** ’s job to save the world, her neighborhood, or Brandine. But it is nevertheless true that this poor woman may simply have no idea how to make it through life without having to go back to Cletus, in spite of his abusive ways. Or, for that matter, how to do anything other than collect welfare and sunbathe. That said, what I’m really interested in is this: **Eve** , will you help me write a book? Something warm and uplifting like _Joseph Herringbone Swallow_ by Brandine. That’d be nice. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/85 "2004-06-01T13:37:39Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > So, on Friday night, Brandine came up here to tell me she got an order of protection out against Cletus, pointed to her black eye and told me if I ever see him or his truck anywhere nearby I am to call the police . . . Just now, Cletus’ truck pulled up and Cletus and Brandine got out together and went into the house. > > Someone explain these relationships to me? I can’t do that, but thank your lucky stars that boy is back home. He could prove to be your salvation. If not, move. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/86 "2004-06-01T13:40:14Z")
> [@js\_africanus](#): > > While I tend to support those who give the OP a dressing down for snobbery… Oh, geez. I meant to take that out. I’m sure **Eve** is being perfectly gracious, and setting limits on the neighbor is a task I certainly don’t envy. Sorry about that editing error. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/87 "2004-06-01T15:44:12Z")
[Sammy Kershaw] So I made her the queen of my doublewide trailer With the polyester curtains and the redwood deck. Sometimes she runs, and I got to trail 'er Dang her black heart, and her purty red neck. [/Sammy Kershaw] ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/88 "2004-06-01T16:05:24Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > She wants me to _help her write a book_. “A kinda, uplifting, positive book, like _Jonathan Linvingston Seagull_” (!!). Why is it when people find out I’m a writer, they haul out their manuscripts and expect me to sit down and start editing? If I were a doctor, would they lay down on my dining room table and ask for free open-heart surgery? > > I told her I would be happy to answer any specific questions she had about arranging her manuscript or contacting publishers, but that I could _not_ help her “write her book.” She wants me to come down after dinner to “chat.” She’s so lonely, the poor thing, but the minute you open your door to these Needy Lonely People, you can’t get rid of them with dynamite. > > Oh, the decor? Three words: Harriet. Carter. Catalog. She also has “$6,000” (her figure) worth of Designer Barbies. At least now I know where the rest of the welfare check goes after the rent is paid . . . > > Oy. I can’t just tell her to make like a hoop and roll away; she lives right downstairs. And she’s not actually evil or anything, she’s just a huge, soul-sucking Need Machine. With Designer Barbies. > > I’m sunk. Better start calling moving companies right now. (I have a friend who collects vintage Barbie Dolls. If Cletus comes by and she starts wingin’ 'em out the window, try to snag a couple for me) I had a neighbor like this. It got to the point where I’d just not answer my door. She was always there whining about Wade or telling me about her crazy mother. I Just. Couldn’t. Take it after a while. On the other hand, maybe hangin’ at the flea market with her might help with her decor decisions. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/89 "2004-06-01T16:16:48Z")
> [@masonite](#): > > Rex Harrison as Henry Higgins > > On second thought, **Eve** , if you just call her a squashed cabbage leaf, that ought to do the trick a lot faster. “She taught me ‘ow to walk. And t’ talk. And t’ act loyke a regulah Laydee!” ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/90 "2004-06-01T16:22:38Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Why, yes, I am, dear, thank you for noticing! Though I would be ever so much more blessed if I had one of [these](http://www.harrietcarter.com/Detail.cfm?pth=33&Cat=9&prod=2168&sr=1) in my gracious home. Moments like this make me harken back to my husband’s “laminated-to-burnt-wood” Clint Eastwood picture. I just realized something. I may be married to Cletus’s evil twin. Someone kill me. Just take me out!!! Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!! ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/91 "2004-06-01T18:06:49Z")
> [@devilsknew](#): > > Blah blah blah > :mad: Oh, knock it off. **Eve** is not under orders to make the world a better place or be anyone’s friend. The world’s not always sunshine and roses and kittens and there are occasionally people that may not like other people, especially when those people dominate apartment complex life with their domestic dramas. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/92 "2004-06-01T18:08:34Z")
> [@devilsknew](#): > > Blah blah blah > :mad: Oh, knock it off. **Eve** is not under orders to make the world a better place or be anyone’s friend. The world’s not always sunshine and roses and kittens and there are occasionally people that may not like other people, especially when those people dominate apartment complex life with their domestic dramas. **Eve** ’s done nothing here but have a little fun at her expense, which I daresay is the least of this woman’s problems. Besides, the stuff in that catalogue is hideous. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/93 "2004-06-01T18:17:44Z")
> [@Doomtrain](#): > > **Eve** is not under orders to make the world a better place or be anyone’s friend. Who has the authority to give that order? We might want to have a word with that person. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/94 "2004-06-01T18:24:55Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > So, on Friday night, Brandine came up here to tell me she got an order of protection out against Cletus, pointed to her black eye and told me if I ever see him or his truck anywhere nearby I am to call the police . . . Just now, Cletus’ truck pulled up and Cletus and Brandine got out together and went into the house. > > Someone explain these relationships to me? I think you may have missed your one big chance to get Brandine out of your life… you should have called the cops. If they had patched things up, that would have annoyed her enough that she might never speak to you again. Then again, if he had kidnapped her off the street and brought her back to her apartment to terrorize her, calling the cops could have saved her life and you would _never be free of her!_ Sort of a touchy situation, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![susan\_foster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@susan\_foster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan_foster)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/95 "2004-06-01T21:08:03Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Why, yes, I am, dear, thank you for noticing! Though I would be ever so much more blessed if I had one of [these](http://www.harrietcarter.com/Detail.cfm?pth=33&Cat=9&prod=2168&sr=1) in my gracious home. I crochet - and a friend of mine does too (she taught me). There are some hideous crochet patterns out there, but the worst we think we ever saw was a crocheted toilet-seat cover - it was turquoise, with a cameo head on it. I swore I’d make her it for her birthday. Since we are still friends, you can assume I didn’t go through with it. Susan ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/96 "2004-06-01T22:19:00Z")
> [@js\_africanus](#): > > Who has the authority to give that order? We might want to have a word with that person. To give orders to Eve? Probably an editor of some kind, though they’re usually not the most philanthropic folk you’ll meet. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2004, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/97 "2004-06-01T22:38:24Z")
Anybody who wants to can give orders to **Eve**. Of course, the likelihood that she will actually _follow_ those orders as opposed to, say, glaring disdainfully at the impudent would-be martinet over her pince-nez… ---
**Author:** ![FaerieBeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@FaerieBeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FaerieBeth)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/98 "2004-06-02T00:21:45Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > The one in black. > > Your’s? Mine is the Pink one. Hey! Between us, we have the whole Breakfast at Tiffany’s set! FB ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/99 "2004-06-02T01:39:58Z")
**susan\_foster** OOOOOOOOOOH do you still have the pattern for the cameo toilet seat cover? I have a joke gift exchange with my craft night friends and that sounds just perfect. We can only spend five dollars, should be able to find enough turquoise yarn at Goodwill for that price. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739/100 "2004-06-02T07:31:09Z")
> [@FaerieBeth](#): > > Mine is the Pink one. Hey! Between us, we have the whole Breakfast at Tiffany’s set! > > FB Cool! Actually, they also sold two outfits for her-the coat and dress with the Cat mask and the little black dress with the big lampshade hat. I’ve seen them on eBay-I MUST have the second one! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-dear-lord-brandine-wants-to-be-friends/247739.md?page=6)