Oh God - The Pain!!!

I am in agony here.

What a painful weekend. I watched one of my oldest and dearest friends got married. Her kids are disturbed, the boy (age 10 ) sets fires, and he ‘necks’ with his 7 year old sister. The mother/bride says this is ‘natural curiosity’ and doesnt burden my buddy with it. The last fire the little monster set was the mothers bed, while she slept in it - the daughter woke her up. I figure when the little wingnut hits puberty he will rape/seduce/molest the little sister, and set big bad fires that kill people.

For a gift I got them 2 smoke detectors and a fire etinguisher. I cried when I watched them wed.

Then at the reception, I got to watch another old and dear pal get sloppy drunk andbe obnoxious. He has done so much dope, and experimented with so much hard drugs that he is a shadow of the man/boy i once cared for so much. He was pretty much the only other single person there except me, more pain. I am really hating the single thing now.

Then, on Sunday morning, I head off to pick up the kids at mom’s, and all of a suden, I get this tearing nauseating pain in my back. I thought maybe it was a heart attack, then I wondered if I had been shot (this took all of 1/2 sec) then I figured it was just a ‘stitch’ and it would go away.

It didnt.

Then Sunday night, I went to little brother house to play cards with LB (little bro) SIL (sister in law) and LB’s best friend (who I am hopelessly in love with). I played a good card, and the friend says: Kelli, I love you.
Such exquisite pain. I could actually feel my heart break… he doesnt love me you see, but I am totally enamoured of him.

Now its Monday morning, and my back hurts so much it makes me nauseous, all I can think of is “When can I see him again?” even though being around him makes me incredibly sad, I miss him when I dont see him.

So I am doped up on OTC muscle relaxers, and they arent doing the trick. I have to go see a frigging doctor tonight for something stronger. I cant take codeine though, so I dont know what they can do for me.

So I share my pain, all of it with you, knowing I love a man who thinks I am his pal, knowing that a dear friend is in danger because he married into the Addams family, knowing that if I inhale too much the pain in my back will knock me out…

Monday’s suck.

I hope you ask the doctor about your back problems as well rather than just pick up a prescription for more pain killers.

A 10 year old necking with his 7 year old sister, and the mother thinks this is NORMAL?? Wow - but if this woman is your friend, surely she’ll take your opinion seriously?

Oh god kell. {{{{kellibelli}}}}

I know how it feels. Unrequited love: the tenderest of pains and yet sometimes the most intense. Ambivalence given life.

Been there too often.

And I’m sorry to hear about your friend. All you can really do is be there for them. Which will hurt of course.

Thanks guys.

I have tried and tried to talk to her about this kid, but her head is FIRMLY up her ass. She actually told me I was too hard on my boys ( I sent them to bed and grounded their asses after they were snotty to me)

I have to keep reminding myself I cant un-make other people’s mistakes… but I worry about my friend, and the little sister. What chance does she have?

sigh and the UL (unrequited love). I know this sounds weird, but I dont understand how he can be around me so much, getting along like we do, and not love me? We have so much in common! He is the defitition of everything I want in a man - smart, funny, loving, generous, hard working, honest, loves kids, gets along with my family, loves to play games, loves movies, he even gets his popcorn the same as I do! (butter halfway up, then more butter on the top). We crackle when we are together, the conversation is always going. He makes me laugh, I make him laugh…
I want to do things for him - not because he needs to be taken care of, but because little things make him happy.

So I wait, one of these days, he will realize he cant live without me. I would marry him. * I would have another baby with him*! I would spend every day thinking up things to make him smile.

jees, I have it bad.

Everybody laughed at me in third grade when I said I wanted to grow up to be a fairy godmother. I was serious. We need more of them and you can bet your sweet patootie that I’d have something special for you if I ever got that wish.
Telling you that I sympathize or that I’ve been there won’t make it any easier, so I won’t do that. But I will say that just going by your posts alone, you are someone I’d be honored to call my friend. My gramma (God rest her soul) would say you have a pure heart–and those are always the heaviest because they’re made of gold.
(Sometimes the sappiest things are the truest)
Take care of you,


You sound so sweet. I wish I could do something for you.

Take it easy.

Do you feel comfortable calling SRS on that kid? Because I think you’re right, once he hits puberty, there is no telling what he’ll do.

Sweetie, I hope you can lie on the floor with a heating pad. That is the only thing that helps me when mine seizes up.

And I know where you’re coming on the fella, too. Remember that no one is perfect, no matter how much we want them to be.

Good luck on your week, I hope it goes uphill from here!

Not sure if this has to be pointed out or not, but this is a telltale sign that the boy (and possibly the girl too) was sexually molested. It’s called premature sexualization and it generally does not happen without provocation. It’s quite possible that the mother knows it and is in severe denial. Too bad you don’t have any hard evidence or you could call the cops. I’d take a good, long look at the child’s father if I were you.

I agree with Swiddles about possibly calling the SRS. I have a friend who has a 15 year old boy that was caught molesting a 4 year old boy. My friend and the little 4 year olds mother used to date/live together and even after they broke up they were still good friends and still went out together. My friends 15 year old son would babysit the 4 year old while the parents went out for the evening. One evening the mother forgot her wallet and they went back to her apartment to get it. When she went into the apartment her 4 year old and the 15 year old were naked! The 15 year old said that they were going to take a bath together. This didn’t add up for the mother because 15 year olds don’t bathe with 4 year olds. She questioned her 4 year old privately and he was telling her things about kissing pee pees and touching and stuff so she knew that he was being molested. She pressed charges, which was hard for her to do because she is such good friends with the 15 year old’s father. She wouldn’t testify in court so the charges didn’t stick and the kid just got probation.

The father of the 15 year old is pretty much in denial about what happened and is more worried that his son is gay than he is over his son molesting this innocent child!!

If you see the opportunity to get help for this mother and the children, do it! It might mean that the kids end up in foster care but at least they will get some help and possibly prevent any future problems.

I hope your back gets better and that the doctor is able to do something for you! I know what it’s like, believe me! Good luck.

As for the man, I feel your pain. There’s nothing worse than loving someone who looks at you as a friend and nothing more! Very painful! Best wishies to you!!



  We don't always fall in love with the people we should, the ones who are perfect fits for us. Sounds like he hasn't. Doesn't make much sense, but it's what happens. Sorry.

You guys are so sweet. Struuter, what kind words - your dear grandma wasnt the only sweetie in you family! Jimmy - how you doin’? Swiddles - I am going to do that EXACT thing on my lounch break - THANKS!

Neutron, & Rachelle I hadnt thought of a sexual abuse connection to the kids behavior… I will try to mention it to the mother in a non-confrontational way.

About the kids - the boy is already in counselling, has been for years, because of the fires, the school problems, etc. His school has him in anger management, and he has had a social worker involved since he was about 3 or 4. I am more worried about the little girl. I think this boy is just plain disturbed, a la Daumer if you will. I dont know if anything anyone does to him, or for him will change who he is.

The little girl needs protection to be sure, but there is nothing else I can do. I tried to make the Mom understand that this isnt normal, that they need counselling, but of course thay are already getting counselling. The boy is on Ritalin too, but it doesnt make any difference. My friend (the one who married into this circus) has bonded with the little girl, but he only tolerates the boy. Honestly, this kid is the most un-loveable child I ever met. Just seeing him makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. I wont let my kids play with them anymore. There is something intangible, something almost feral about him. I cant explain it.

I tried to talk her out of the marriage - I said that she was sending a message to her son that his needs and feelings were not as important as hers, that he would be angry and resentful for a long time if she married a man who didnt like him. OF COURSE she wouldnt listen to me!

I do think a babysitter fondled the little girl when she was a toddler, but of course the mother didnt press charges. (can you tell she isnt very bright?) I think the necking is more a result of the isolation of these kids. They have NO kids to play with except each other. The other kids arent allowed to play with them (mom sees no problem here either).So the boy has no other outlet for his natural sexual curiosity than his isiter - which makes it an UNnatural curiosity.

I hope they get those smoke detectors installed soon.

neutron star nailed it about the premature sexualization. This doesn’t happen for no reason; something nasty’s been done to him, in all likelihood.

Calling social services is the only reasonable thing to do. Even if it costs you the friendship, the welfare of the children must absolutely take precedence.

And sorry about the other stuff. Sometimes life’s just far more agonizing than it ought to be, body and soul.


I wish I had some sage advice I could give you to solve your problems/take away the pain. Unfortunately, I don’t.

As for your unrequited love being your pal, give it time. (Or course, you probably already HAVE). And, at the risk of seeming insenstive, in some ways friendship is better than no relationship at all. (In other ways, it probably is not.)

I’ll third the suggestion to call SRS. This situation is PROFOUNDLY disturbing.

Finally, as to your back, I do hope you’ll rest up and feel better!

I know very well what you speak of here. I am hopelessly in love with my best friend, but she is not with me. What makes it particularly frustrating is that she claims she felt similarly when we first met, but since I never let on, I guess she got over me. <heavysigh>

Even today, I know I am the best thing out there for her, but, alas, she doesn’t feel that way (or, at least, she hasn’t come to the same realization yet) :frowning:

I empathize and sympathize with you, kellibelli.

And I hope your back feels better!

I am SO sorry, kelli. I know the pain of being in love with a friend all too well.

As for the back pain, I’d recommend you see a good chiropractor. He may be able to alleviate the cause of the pain, rather than just treating the symptoms.

I sure hope your day gets better.

I’m an elementary school teacher. Here in the States, teachers are required by law to report any “suspected” abuse/neglect. “Suspected” certainly is difficult to define, but I suggest you follow up on your suspicions. (Oh, how I want to rant about how “adults” screw up kids, what I’d like to DO to said “adults,” etc., but I’ll calm down.)

I hope your back soon feels better (as well as your heart). DO try to get to the root of the back pain though. Treating only the symptoms isn’t enough. Take care.

Well, back from the doctor, he said I pulled a muscle (pretty much what I figured) he gave me an anti-inflammatory. I did nothing unusual leading up to the pain - it must have been a freak movement.

::eyeing the bottle with trepidation::

I am taking a pill ad heading to the horizontal position (on my new vibrating bed!!) where I will dream of hte day that LB’s friend looks at me and says: " I just realized, YOU are the woman I have been looking for!"

And he will…I just have to wait him out, and wear him down with my scintillating company, excessive cleavage, and all around sexy personality!

As far as the pyro-pervert-child… I will remind his mother to tell his therapist all about the bed incident and the sister kissing. Since social services is already involved, calling them wont make any difference - they already know he is a nut. In this province, the are woefully slow to respond even when the child is covered in welts and cigarette burns. A kid necking with his sister? Pfft, that wouldnt merit a post it note. I know its sick, and *you *know its sick, but to an underworked, poorly educated staff, they will buy the mother’s claim that they are just curious. Since the kids are already in counselling though, I will strongly suggest (meaning I will TELL HER) that she needs to make sure the shrink has all the info.

I am gonna find a time to talk to my buddy too - he needs to watch out for the little girl.

Thanks for the good wishes guys - HEY Monday is over!

How do you deal with this? From a guy’s perspective, what happens if a girl you’re friends with suddenly tries to signal she’s interested in something more? What signals do you need, and how do you react if you aren’t interested? Does it end the friendship?


Me too! Do you know what a lunar eclipse on a full moon does to a person? Ugh, what a night. I am hurt, tired and gumpy. I need a vacation


I’ve been there and although it sounds hard: DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Don’t leave it and hope. Waiting probably won’t work. I believe you’re better off knowing one way or the other rather than wondering what if. Heck anything is better than the unsurity of UL.

Organise a suprise romantic evening. Then just tell her straight how you feel.

A while back I flew around the world for a girl and although it didn’t work out the way I had wanted it to, I don’t regret doing it (I’ll spare you the romantic but all-too-sad story).