# Oh, GREAT. Telekinetic Monkeys. Just What We Needed. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 13, 2003, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228 "2003-10-13T18:40:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2003, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/1 "2003-10-13T18:40:01Z")
Now the Professor has given Mojo Jojo super powers; we’re all doomed: "Monkeys with brain implants were trained to move a robot arm with their thoughts, a key advance by researchers who hope one day to allow paralyzed people to perform similar tasks. A series of electrodes containing tiny wires were implanted about a millimeter deep into the brains of two monkeys. A computer then recorded signals produced by the monkeys’ brains as they manipulated a joystick controlling the robotic arm in exchange for a reward - sips of juice. The joystick was later unplugged and the arm, which was in a separate room, was controlled directly by the brain signals coming from the implants. The monkeys eventually stopped using the joystick, as if they knew their brains were controlling the robot arm, Duke University researcher Miguel Nicolelis said. ‘Three of us were in the room watching the monkey late at night, and all of sudden the monkey just dropped the joystick and started playing the game … the monkey just got it that she didn’t need to move the joystick,’ Nicolelis said. ‘Appliances, remote objects in other locations in the house and robots all could be controlled.’" —Evil Super-Monkeys controlling huge killer robots. Thanks, Dr. Nicolelis! ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2003, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/2 "2003-10-13T19:13:16Z")
“I, Mojo Jojo, am your master, and you shall obey my commands like the dogs you are! Because I am your master, it is I who you will obey! Obeying commands is what you’ll do! I will give you commands, and you will obey them!” ---
**Author:** ![viking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@viking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/viking)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2003, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/3 "2003-10-13T19:28:04Z")
My favourite is the line from the researcher that the monkeys were unaffected by the surgery. Other than the cluster of wires sticking up from the epoxy where their skull used to be, but I guess that doesn’t count as ``affected’’ where he comes from… ---
**Author:** ![Balle\_M](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/13edae/32.png) [@Balle\_M](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balle_M)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2003, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/4 "2003-10-13T20:16:56Z")
You won’t be laughing when my army of robot monkeys completes my plan for world domination… ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2003, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/5 "2003-10-13T20:20:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Balle\_M \* > \*\*You won’t be laughing when my army of robot monkeys completes my plan for world domination… \*\* Have you peppered in God’s lo mein by creating a rice of pipple?! ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyMule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc348/32.png) [@MonkeyMule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyMule)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2003, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/6 "2003-10-13T20:22:22Z")
AT LAST MY PEOPLE WILL RISE AND DESTROY YOU ALL Just wait untill the Equines get in on this, you guys are so screwed. Bow down and worship now, will you still have time! ::proceeds to mind control robotic arm to fling feces:: ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2003, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/7 "2003-10-13T20:23:52Z")
Now they can play with themselves and fling their poo at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyMule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc348/32.png) [@MonkeyMule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyMule)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2003, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/8 "2003-10-13T20:29:13Z")
Well that is an added benefit, but we are trying to take over the world here. A little FOUCUS people… ---
**Author:** ![Etherman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/958977/32.png) [@Etherman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Etherman)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/9 "2003-10-13T20:38:41Z")
I, for one, welcome our new robotic monkey overlords. Hail the monkeys! ook ook ---
**Author:** ![BoringDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ad7895/32.png) [@BoringDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoringDad)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/10 "2003-10-14T01:47:32Z")
Monkey slave? I might get a chance to be a monkey slave? Alllright! It’ll be nice having an intelligent boss for a change. ook ook! ---
**Author:** ![deb2world](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7cd45c/32.png) [@deb2world](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/deb2world)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/11 "2003-10-14T01:55:56Z")
I think we should all rent “Planet of the Apes” series to study these historical documents to prepare ourselves for the coming end. “The blew the damn thing up”. deb2–monkey–world ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/12 "2003-10-14T02:14:05Z")
I am ready to peel a mountain of bananas for my new monkey master. The time for sweet monkey love is nigh! I can’t wait for my shiny new cybernetic mind-controlling prehensile tail to be installed! Eep-opp-ork-ah-ah! ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/13 "2003-10-14T02:47:07Z")
Why do I have the theme song of the Wicked Witch of the West’s Army of Flying Monkeys running through my head? –ook– ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/14 "2003-10-14T06:09:00Z")
“Get your robot arm off me, you damn dirty monkey!” ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/15 "2003-10-14T10:20:54Z")
Right. That’s it. This planet is now officially too damned silly for me. When’s the next bus to Alpha Centauri? [sub]I haven’t seen my Sub-Etha Thumb in ages, but as soon as I find it, I’m catching a ride with the first teaser I see.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/16 "2003-10-14T10:32:57Z")
> [@](#): > > Telekinetic Monkeys Band Name! ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyMule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc348/32.png) [@MonkeyMule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyMule)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/17 "2003-10-14T12:01:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Michael Ellis \* > **Telekinetic Monkeys** Telelinetic Monkey Overlords 😉 ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/18 "2003-10-14T13:03:07Z")
How does **Robot Arm** feel about being controlled by monkeys? ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/19 "2003-10-14T13:06:24Z")
Dr. Nicolelis’ next step, no doubt, will be to transplant the brains of recently executed murderers into the bodies of the telekinetic monkeys. “_That_ can’t _possibly_ go wrong!” ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228/20 "2003-10-14T13:08:48Z")
I thought that Telekinetic Monkeys _were_ just what we needed. Shows you what can happen when you live in Baltimore. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-great-telekinetic-monkeys-just-what-we-needed/207228.md?page=2)