# Oh, Jesus H... Cruise?!? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 25, 2007, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470 "2007-01-25T21:56:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/1 "2007-01-25T21:56:24Z")
Why reality is better than fiction, better than drug use: you can’t make this stuff up. [http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007030603,00.html](http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007030603,00.html) > [@](#): > > **Cruise ‘is Christ’ of Scientology** > > TOM Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology, according to leaders of the cult-like religion. > > The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world. > > And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion. > > A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure." > … How to tell if you have Scientologist neighbors: if you hear the following through the apartment walls… “Oh, Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom_damn_, that felt good! _Do_ me, Tomdammit!” ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/2 "2007-01-25T21:58:31Z")
CRUCIFY HIM! ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/3 "2007-01-25T22:08:01Z")
Is The Sun actually a reputable newspaper? It looks like a tabloid. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/4 "2007-01-25T22:11:31Z")
[QUOTE=Captain Carrot] Is The Sun actually a reputable newspaper? It looks like a tabloid. [/QUOTE] Was it the “ **Hundreds of Hotties Straight From Their Beds** ” ad that tipped you off? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/5 "2007-01-25T22:17:09Z")
[QUOTE=Captain Carrot] Is The Sun actually a reputable newspaper? It looks like a tabloid. [/QUOTE] What? With a homepage with such headlines as “Breast Supported Actress” “John Reid’s Brain is Missing” “CBB Eviction Cock-Up” and “Posh frocks them dead from Paris” How can you even _think_ that? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/6 "2007-01-25T22:21:14Z")
I saw this on Olbermann last night too. I don’t know what his source was. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/7 "2007-01-25T22:23:47Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] I saw this on Olbermann last night too. I don’t know what his source was. [/QUOTE] A star in the west? ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Igor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Vlad\_Igor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Igor)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/8 "2007-01-25T23:00:07Z")
Hmmm. That ought to get another few million $ out of Tom’s pocket and into theirs. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/9 "2007-01-25T23:02:14Z")
**Tom Cruise: an Alternative Theory** It was the Saturday that I was busy with Pinewood & my wife went to Blockbuster w/o me. She brought back MI3 as ‘my’ movie. :rolleyes: I did what good husbands do. I watched it. (Kind of bad, gets worse) I then started to wonder about TomKat and the past 12 months of melt down. I mean, it was so Stupid…so stupid. Too stupid? Or was it clever? :dubious: Imagine you are 44; you have a younger pretty girl who you really feel is ‘the one’ and who loves you back unconditionally. You have everything except what yo really want: to be able to live your life with her and to have/raise kids with her in a semi ordinary lifestyle. You’d pay a million in Cash just to be able to sock your money into long-term investments & make the papa-nazi go away. I mean, life as a movie star is like being a balloon in the water-gun races: every new project, you try to be as big as you can be, becoming the largest target you can be along the way. After a release, all the water starts to drain out and the tabloids rip you for being a ‘fading star’. Now, imagine that to you, this totally Sucks, but you are under contract. How do you get out? How do you get away to the life you Really want? How would Ethan Hunt escape? Well, first, see if you can change the ending of your current big release to show a not only totaly implausible ending, but that you are gaga over a girlfriend, disillusioning your female fan-base. Book a TV appearance on a leading talk-show and act irrationally. Over-Expose yourself to the point of complete and total over-exposure and show signs of extreme mental defect. (Have a small creative job lined up that will take you and let you work 9-5 with whatever days off you want if you can get out of your contract) Next, fire your agent and hire someone who you can trust to let you truly and totally self destruct (which is your true goal). Someone who is only working in the industry because you asked them to and who will be ok with never ever working in the industry again. Someone blindly loyal to you, who won’t write a book about how and why you did it later. Someone who’ll never nag you to get back into show-business after you bomb out. Someone like your sister. :dubious: Next, get arrogant beyond arrogant! Flaunt Hollywood traditions, like selling your kids pictures & giving the money to charity by allowing no pictures & making all the magazines wait months and months to get pictures. Make them wait so long that your kid is almost a toddler. Go “Coo-coo-for Cocoa-nuts” over an alternative religion, which most people believe is a cult and is not widely accepted/acceptable to your fan base. (Remember, he not only has to get Paramount to dump him voluntarily, he has to totally disillusion his fan base to get the papa-nazi to be re-assigned to some other show-biz suckers. He has to get the balloon to pop, Fatty Arbuckle style, so there’s no going back.) Make sure to pick a fight with Really Popular creative icons with access to regular TV broadcasts on Comedy Central; do everything in your power to abuse your power & authority to piss them off so that they skewer you in public. Next, totally over react to their broadcasts, to the extent that your sanity is actually in doubt. Manipulate all this to happen while in the midst of contract negotiations with your studio. BTW, while this is happening, your wife has to stay completely silent & seem totally vegged out. (If she plays this part well, she’ll be free of the photographers forever and so will her children. It’s her Motivation. Good thing she’s an actress.) Keep all this up until studio heads finally say screw it and fire you. Once fired, quietly take that creative job…with an effective start date 60-90 days hence. Lastly, drop out of sight and live on salary plus 6% from your investments, photographer-free, gossip columnist-free, Late Night monologue-free, Hollywood Bullshit-free. Go into the office when you want to. And go raise go your kid interference-free. Of course, the very last step would be to privately tell all Scientology leaders /headmasters /gurus to kiss-off, and to end all future association with them in order to get those leeches off your back too. I can’t help but wonder if that’s what’s coming next. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/10 "2007-01-25T23:32:19Z")
He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/11 "2007-01-25T23:44:17Z")
The very idea of Tom Cruise as a sort of messiah figure is preposterous, since Tom’s obviously out of his gourd these days. But wait – that’s the answer! HERE IS HIS GOURD! FOLLOW THE GOURD! [QUOTE=Mangetout] He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy. [/QUOTE] Heretic! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/12 "2007-01-25T23:46:33Z")
(Apologies in advance to Webber & Rice) _So, you are the Cruise, you’re the Great Thomas Cruise. Prove to me that you’re divine; change my water into wine. That’s all you need to do then I’ll know it’s all true. C’mon, King of the Fools…_ ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/13 "2007-01-26T01:23:38Z")
Wait, where does the Holy Gibson fit into all of this? I’ll never understand religion. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/14 "2007-01-26T01:28:22Z")
The Holy Gibson was #45 for the Cardinals. [http://www.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers\_and\_honorees/hofer\_bios/Gibson\_Bob.htm](http://www.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers_and_honorees/hofer_bios/Gibson_Bob.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/15 "2007-01-26T02:39:51Z")
What the hell do I do _now?_ The thread is certainly mundane and pointless, so it would fit in MPSIMS. It involves religion, so it would fit in Great Debates. It involves Tom Cruise, Which would earn it a spot in Cafe Society. But since I think I know what most of the responses will most likely be like, I’m moving this from IMHO to…_ **The BBQ Pit** _. ---
**Author:** ![Caridwen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c89c15/32.png) [@Caridwen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caridwen)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/16 "2007-01-26T02:48:05Z")
You certainly put a lot more thought into it than I did \*\*Count Blucher, \*\* but that was pretty good. I just thought the couch jumping was funny as hell. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/17 "2007-01-26T02:55:36Z")
[QUOTE=Oakminster] The Holy Gibson was #45 for the Cardinals. [http://www.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers\_and\_honorees/hofer\_bios/Gibson\_Bob.htm](http://www.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers_and_honorees/hofer_bios/Gibson_Bob.htm) [/QUOTE] Surely you meant to say [Kirk Gibson](http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/mlb/baseballs_best/mlb_bb_gamepage.jsp?story_page=bb_88ws_gm1_oakla), right? ---
**Author:** ![Wilson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@Wilson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wilson)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/18 "2007-01-26T03:18:56Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > The Holy Gibson was #45 for the Cardinals. [QUOTE=silenus] Surely you meant to say [Kirk Gibson](http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/mlb/baseballs_best/mlb_bb_gamepage.jsp?story_page=bb_88ws_gm1_oakla), right? [/QUOTE] I am shocked by both these heresies. Behold the true [Holy Gibson](http://www.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers_and_honorees/plaques/Gibson_Josh.htm). ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/19 "2007-01-26T03:18:57Z")
Afraid not, **Silenus**. Kirk had the big moment, but Bob freakin ruled. There’s a rumor that Bob plunked a guy in an Old Timers game in retaliation for an incident from 20 years prior. That’s hardcore. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/20 "2007-01-26T03:24:24Z")
Well, what about [Hoot Gibson](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoot_Gibson)? **Count Blucher** , that’s a well-thought-out theory, but I’m convinced that TC truly believes in $cientology, every bit of it. I also don’t think he’s in love with Katie Holmes, and I have serious doubts about the baby being theirs. Also, I’ve never heard of being “gaga over a girlfriend” alienating a female fan base. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470.md?page=2)