# Oh, Jesus H... Cruise?!? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 25, 2007, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470 "2007-01-25T21:56:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/21 "2007-01-26T03:36:07Z")
[QUOTE=Captain Carrot] Is The Sun actually a reputable newspaper? It looks like a tabloid. [/QUOTE] It is entirely possible to be both (though, not in _this_ case, apparently). “Tabloid” simply refers to the arrangement of the pages, flat and book-like, as opposed to folded like a traditional newspaper. It has nothing at all to do with content, although most of the disreputable papers seem to be tabloids, for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![shelbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@shelbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shelbo)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/22 "2007-01-26T06:08:36Z")
This is pretty funny, actually. A few weeks ago some friends and I were discussing Cruise and Scientology, and imagining the dismay of the church elders that Tom keeps swallowing everything they shovel at him. They keep raising his level within the church, making up new outrageous stories, and he keeps believing! We figured that at some point they’d run out of Thetan levels, or whatever, and then they’d be in a fix. What can they tell him now? “I’ve got it! We’ll tell him he’s Jesus!” Problem solved! ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/23 "2007-01-26T06:59:55Z")
[QUOTE=Rilchiam] Well, what about [Hoot Gibson](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoot_Gibson)? **Count Blucher** , that’s a well-thought-out theory, but I’m convinced that TC truly believes in $cientology, every bit of it. I also don’t think he’s in love with Katie Holmes, and I have serious doubts about the baby being theirs. Also, I’ve never heard of being “gaga over a girlfriend” alienating a female fan base. [/QUOTE] Also, I’ve heard that getting out of the Co$ is somewhat difficult, if they don’t want you to go. I’d expect their willingness to sever ties mightbe somewhat marginal when the subject still has exploitable financial assets. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/24 "2007-01-26T08:15:44Z")
If the reports of former OT VIII training are true, Tom would be considered better than Jesus as he’s not a violent pederastic agent of the Makabrian (?) aliens. ---
**Author:** ![RTA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@RTA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTA)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/25 "2007-01-26T13:32:00Z")
“Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.” Well it sure won’t be because of _Cocktail_. insert obligatory [www.xenu.net](http://www.xenu.net) reference here ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/26 "2007-01-26T14:25:21Z")
[QUOTE=Caridwen] You certainly put a lot more thought into it than I did \*\*Count Blucher, \*\* but that was pretty good. I just thought the couch jumping was funny as hell. 🙂 [/QUOTE] **Caridwen** : Thank You! [QUOTE=Rilchiam] Well, what about [Hoot Gibson](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoot_Gibson)? **Count Blucher** , that’s a well-thought-out theory, but I’m convinced that TC truly believes in $cientology, every bit of it. I also don’t think he’s in love with Katie Holmes, and I have serious doubts about the baby being theirs. Also, I’ve never heard of being “gaga over a girlfriend” alienating a female fan base. [/QUOTE] **Rilchiam** : You may be 100% right. Hey, sometimes an idea (tin-foil hat time?) just comes to you and you have to ‘what if’ it to smart people with an independent POV. (Still, if he bails on Scientology successfully, I just may have to ship him a beer anonymously.) [QUOTE=kaylasdad99] Also, I’ve heard that getting out of the Co$ is somewhat difficult, if they don’t want you to go. I’d expect their willingness to sever ties might be somewhat marginal when the subject still has exploitable financial assets. [/QUOTE] **kaylasdad99** , I’ve been thinking about this too. If he turned on them, they’d have to invest significant assets to destroy him, going with Co$ doctrine. (What do they call that? Crush, Kill, Destroy? No wait, that was ‘Lost In Space’, totally different Sci-Fi…) I skimmed some truly elegant posts on Co$ a few years back on SDMB, and once they declare you an enemy of the church, they go after your reputation, your employment, your assets, and your family in pretty much that order. Well, phase one pretty much shot his reputation (do your worst, Co$-boys). His major employment is already gone; his minor one was just to keep his hands busy & no great loss if he loses it. That leaves Assets & Family. Assets: He’d need to major-league firewall them, something like Michael Keaton’s trust in ‘Pacific Heights’. They’d need to be spread out & secure; a combination of Cayman, Swiss, and various developing nations investments (dependant on currency risks. There are some massive formulae I’ve seen postulated to mitigate some currency risk, but it can be done if done wisely), but in places where they can’t be touched by Co$ and definitely outside of the US. Lastly, there’s family. He’d have to be sure they are not ‘true believers’ in Co$ doctrine first, as if they are, he’s sunk. From there, its time to move into a house in the suburbs, owned by a trust that allows his family to live there (suit/lien immunity) and write memoir chapters between cutting the lawn & packing his daughter’s lunch before school. Ok, I know…tin-foil hat time. It’ll never happen… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/27 "2007-01-26T14:26:36Z")
[Obligatory Link to The South Park Trapped in a Closet Episode](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dalwY580WYI) ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/28 "2007-01-26T14:54:32Z")
[QUOTE=Oakminster] Afraid not, **Silenus**. Kirk had the big moment, but Bob freakin ruled. There’s a rumor that Bob plunked a guy in an Old Timers game in retaliation for an incident from 20 years prior. That’s hardcore. [/QUOTE] Not only that, but he performed the miracle of the lowered pitcher’s mound. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/29 "2007-01-26T15:20:49Z")
**Count Blucher** : Your plan, in basic concept and execution, worked perfectly for Michael Jackson. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/30 "2007-01-26T15:25:50Z")
[QUOTE=Ethilrist] **Count Blucher** : Your plan, in basic concept and execution, worked perfectly for Michael Jackson. [/QUOTE] I need a better A/R system… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![scottkris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/94ad74/32.png) [@scottkris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scottkris)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/31 "2007-01-26T15:29:30Z")
[QUOTE=JohnT] What? With a homepage with such headlines as “Breast Supported Actress” “John Reid’s Brain is Missing” “CBB Eviction Cock-Up” and “Posh frocks them dead from Paris” How can you even _think_ that? 😉 [/QUOTE] The nudity on page 3 may have given it away, however… ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/32 "2007-01-26T15:34:07Z")
[QUOTE=RTA] “Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.” Well it sure won’t be because of _Cocktail_. insert obligatory [www.xenu.net](http://www.xenu.net) reference here [/QUOTE] Ah, we’ve found the link to The Holy Gibson! [www.mattonigranddrink.com/cocktail.php?id=25](http://www.mattonigranddrink.com/cocktail.php?id=25) (Or maybe not. Can’t research this further until Happy Hour.) ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/33 "2007-01-27T00:54:03Z")
> [@](#): > > “Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.” 😕 Cruise?? He has raised awareness of S-ologists as a crew of weird freaks. Any organization with half the sense Xenu gave yogurt cultures would have been expected to send forth Travolta and Alley instead as the public faces of their New Religion, if they wanted celeb endorsements… But of course, expecing “sense” from the Co$ organization is silly. And expecting **accuracy** from this particular newspaper, well… 😃😉😛 ---
**Author:** ![Canadjun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/76d3ee/32.png) [@Canadjun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Canadjun)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/34 "2007-01-27T14:29:13Z")
If you google “cruise christ scientology” you’ll find that that rumour has certainly been spreading far beyond that one tabloid! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/35 "2007-01-27T15:08:37Z")
Dunno about Tom, but **Suri** cruise might well be the product of a virgin birth. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/36 "2007-01-27T15:41:28Z")
It’s been a while since I read Matthew, Mark, Luke & John, but I don’t remember Jesus’s three marriages, two divorces, out-of-wedlock child, pitting of Brooke Shields and psychiatry and jumping up-and-down on Oprah’s couch ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Badger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/848f3c/32.png) [@Dead\_Badger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Badger)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/37 "2007-01-27T15:54:10Z")
[QUOTE=Q.E.D.] It has nothing at all to do with content, although most of the disreputable papers seem to be tabloids, for some reason. [/QUOTE] Actually, in the UK the term is practically synonymous with precisely the sort of gutter journalism the Sun purveys. Refer to “the tabloid press” and nobody will assume you’re talking about the Guardian or Times, despite the fact that those papers are now published in a tabloid format. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/38 "2007-01-27T15:58:54Z")
[QUOTE=Q.E.D.] It is entirely possible to be both (though, not in _this_ case, apparently). “Tabloid” simply refers to the arrangement of the pages, flat and book-like, as opposed to folded like a traditional newspaper. It has nothing at all to do with content, although most of the disreputable papers seem to be tabloids, for some reason. [/QUOTE] Not entirely true. From [Dictonary.com](http://Dictonary.com): tab·loid (tāb’loid’) Pronunciation Key n. A newspaper of small format giving the news in condensed form, \*\*usually with illustrated, often sensational material. \*\* adj. 1. In summary form; condensed. 2. **Lurid or sensational**. (bolding mine) ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470/39 "2007-01-27T19:31:04Z")
[QUOTE=Count Blucher] I then started to wonder about TomKat and the past 12 months of melt down. I mean, it was so Stupid…so stupid. Too stupid? Or was it clever? :dubious: [/QUOTE] It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-jesus-h-cruise/389470.md?page=1)