# "Oh, Mr. De Mille, I'm NOT Ready For My Close-Up!" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 6, 2004, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556 "2004-04-06T15:09:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/21 "2004-04-06T22:17:58Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > But it was a bit of a stunner to the central nervous system to see two videos of myself and realize, gee, I’m looking more and more like Edna May Oliver with every passing day . . . Trust me, it’s better than looking more and more like Dame Edna. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/22 "2004-04-06T22:45:23Z")
**Angel Eve** : “You’re a chic, respectible-looking middle-aged woman. Remember, Wallis Simpson and Diana Vreeland were ugly, and they were style leaders!” **Devil Eve** : “With the money you save by becoming anorexic, you can afford a nose job!” ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/23 "2004-04-06T22:46:37Z")
Alright. Enough of this. Date, times and channel when they will be aired, please. Haj ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/24 "2004-04-06T23:40:55Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Alright. Enough of this. Date, times and channel when they will be aired, please. > > Haj I have no clue. The Burlesque one premiered at the Montreal Film Festival a few months ago, the Olive Thomas one is still in production. Dunno if they’ll be straight-to-video or if they’ll be on the tee-vee. All I know is, I gotta stop eating and next time I fall down, I’ll remember to break my nose and not my arm. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/25 "2004-04-07T00:58:23Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > \I could have that Joan Rivers “monkey in a wind tunnel” look . . . Hee - to mis-quote AbFab, one more facelift and she’s going to have a beard. I hate any and all pictures of myself. I have a picture of myself in my head, and it’s a helluva lot better looking than the ones that come out on film. Say, now _that’s_ an invention we could use - mind-picture cameras! ---
**Author:** ![Rodd\_Hill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3ab097/32.png) [@Rodd\_Hill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodd_Hill)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/26 "2004-04-07T01:02:53Z")
Rubbish! **Eve** didn’t get big…it’s _television_ that got small! ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/27 "2004-04-07T02:05:24Z")
**Eve** , I’ve admired you in words and prose and photos here for a long time. I’m also a professional cameraman. A few thoughts, and a rich tale. There are ways to be extremely flattering with light, and angles without using linoleum. Next time you are to be interviewed, email me? 🙂 You will be pleased, or at least not enraged. 😃 I think you’re sublimely sexy. So there. Now then. About 10 years ago, I got a call to shoot a commercial. I was told that the talent was a former glam star, and that we would have ample time to light her up. I drove to a famous old mansion on the Palisades, near Tarrytown. I got there and asked who we would be videotaping that day. I was handed a b&w shot. I held in my hands a true Hollywood Glamour Shot from the late 1930’s. It was of a woman laying down on a chaise lounge, one arm thrown up behind her head, gazing at the camera. The negligee was an opalescent glowing slip. It was splendid. On the back, it said, " Metro Goldwyn Mayer Publicity Department". On the front was the name. [Gloria DeHaven](http://www.skylighters.org/photos/oct98pu.html). Suffice to say, what I saw in the glam studio shot did NOT match the elderly woman who alighted from a limo. She was sullen, angry, meanspirited and I swear to all that is holy, I spent the day hearing her say this > [@](#): > > This isn’t how we did this back at Metro. Back at Metro, we would… It was a special day, lemme tell ya. I used a 1/2 SupaFrost filter, which was from a set of hand-cut polymer filters made in England. She was…softened. Not linoleum. But…softenend. Amazing. A living legend. Cartooniverse ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/28 "2004-04-07T02:15:37Z")
Well, sweetie, I am laser-clear on my good and bad points, I have great hair, gorgeous eyes, luscious lips and–somewhere under the extra 20 pounds–Garbo cheekbones. I also have a nose like a broken steak knife, a chin like the love child of Quentin Tarantino and Glenn Close, and gravity–that bitch–has caused my face to slip slowly off my skull, so what used to be near my mouth is now hovering about my collarbones. And the people who did the Olive Thomas film–a very big production company–may want to make it a series, with me as an interviewee. I think “wildly unrealistic and unhealthy diet” is the way to go, and saving up for a little schnozz-slicing. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/29 "2004-04-07T02:35:47Z")
I am never surprised that I look like I do. A mirror gives me a fair approximation. What really shocked me was first hearing my own recorded voice. I didn’t recognize my own voice and thought someone had messed with the recording. I sound so different than what I hear in my head that I’ve never quite got over it. In my head I sound melifluous and expressive – my recorded voice has the all the emotional range of a teletype. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/30 "2004-04-07T02:37:10Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Well, sweetie, I am laser-clear on my good and bad points, I have great hair, gorgeous eyes, luscious lips and–somewhere under the extra 20 pounds–Garbo cheekbones. > > I also have a nose like a broken steak knife, a chin like the love child of Quentin Tarantino and Glenn Close, and gravity–that bitch–has caused my face to slip slowly off my skull, so what used to be near my mouth is now hovering about my collarbones. > > And the people who did the Olive Thomas film–a very big production company–may want to make it a series, with me as an interviewee. I think “wildly unrealistic and unhealthy diet” is the way to go, and saving up for a little schnozz-slicing. Why? So you can look like [these folks](http://awfulplasticsurgery.com/)? You realize that if you do it halfway through the series, people will see the post-op you and say, “_Who the hell’s that?_ The other chick was better!” ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/31 "2004-04-07T03:02:04Z")
> [@Boyo Jim](#): > > What really shocked me was first hearing my own recorded voice. I didn’t recognize my own voice and thought someone had messed with the recording. I sound so different than what I hear in my head that I’ve never quite got over it. In my head I sound melifluous and expressive – my recorded voice has the all the emotional range of a teletype. Same here, though my voice sounds REALLY nasal over the phone and a little higher than I think it actually is. ---
**Author:** ![Engel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/53a042/32.png) [@Engel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Engel)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/32 "2004-04-07T15:52:30Z")
> [@Rez](#): > > My future plans include photographing myself in every outfit before it is worn in public. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s had this idea! 😃 I’m thinking of buying a Polaroid camera just so that I can bring it with me when I shop. The only problem with this idea is that I usually shop alone, so who would take the picture? Engel ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556/33 "2004-04-07T16:10:25Z")
> [@Engel](#): > > I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s had this idea! 😃 I’m thinking of buying a Polaroid camera just so that I can bring it with me when I shop. The only problem with this idea is that I usually shop alone, so who would take the picture? > > Engel Would taking a picture of yourself in a mirror work? Scary link, **Tucker**. People just can’t leave well enough alone. Yes, those plastic mounds stuck under your collarbones look much better than your natural breasts. :rolleyes: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-mr-de-mille-im-not-ready-for-my-close-up/238556.md?page=1)