# Oh, My Freaking God! (Looong!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 13, 2003, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128 "2003-07-13T07:55:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 55
**Author:** ![Wyatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b19c9b/32.png) [@Wyatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wyatt)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1081 "2003-08-29T20:07:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tanookie \* > **I think guys are so enamored with breasts simply because they don’t have any!** Yeah, so??? Can you imagine any of us actually getting anything done, if we DID have 'em? Just watch Professional Baseball for 10 min.! It’s tough enough for us to keep our hands off what we gots!!! > [@](#): > > **And after a certain size poor guys seem magnetically attracted and can’t lift their poor eyes all the way to your face anymore.** Now, THAT is a well known scientific fact, based on Newtons 17[sup]th[/sup] law or one of those … F=C[sub]s[/sub]A or, Force of eye gravity = (cup size)(attractiveness) or something like that. (It’s been a while since I’ve had to actually look up the formulas… ) _Eye Gravity_® … yup, that’s the official technical name for it! _Eye Gravity_® is nearly painful, I tell you … "I … c a n ’ t … l i f t … m y … e y e s … t h e … g r a v i t y … h a s … m e … c a n ’ t … f i g h t … i t … " And it is So hard on us, poor guys, not being able to delight in the pleasures of your beautiful eyes, not being able to look into the depths of your soul, through those precious windows, having to try to communicate without even being able to read your facial expressions … It’s tough on us, I tell you … you just aren’t being sympathetic enough!!! ---
**Author:** ![Wyatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b19c9b/32.png) [@Wyatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wyatt)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1082 "2003-08-29T20:09:18Z")
Happy Birthday Mipiace! ---
**Author:** ![KP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a9adbd/32.png) [@KP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KP)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1083 "2003-08-29T20:10:38Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally by mipiace_ > “…German? Ummm das is[t] s[e]hr gut herr Optihut!! Ich liebt in Germania fu[e]r drei jahren aber mein Deutsch ist schreift!” LOL! Oh that wry wit! The multilingual malapropisms! Were you not already taken here and in real life, I fear I might swoon! _(Wanders off singing drunkenly "Du, Du, liegst mir im Herzen… Du, Du, liegst mir im Sinn… Du, Du, machst mir viel Schmerz… Du weißt nicht wie gut ich Dir bin… ja, ja, ja, ja… Du weißt nicht wie gut ich Dir bin…)_ For those who took her comment at fface value (roughly “That is very good, Mr. Optihut. I lived in Germany for three years, but my German is poor”): on closer reading, and taking the liberties suggested by her crack about bad spelling, I noticed that she said “liebt” [1] not “lebe” or “lebte” [2], and “Germania” [3], which fit “schreift” [4] suspiciously well. Once alerted to the probability of a hidden meaning, I looked more closely and saw how she used punctuation and of uncapitalized nouns to signal the alert reader to alternate interpretations. I haven’t fully penetrated her arcane linguistic riddle, but what I have so far is: _Germany? Yum. That’s good man(men), Optihut. I loves(loved) in Gaul at the time of the Roman orgies for a term of three years [the customary term of a Roman Senator]. I still write my German in Saxon!"_ Sorry. I really don’t mean to poke fun - it’s not like my German is so good. I’m just in a silly mood, and couldn’t resist. (Gee, can you tell I was an intelligence analyst in my misspent youth before medical school?) Can I make it up to you? How about a _therapeutic_ deep muscle massage. Strictly professional, you understand. [5] * * * [1] ‘loves’ [2] ‘live’ or ‘lived’ [3] Germania was http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/tacitus1.html]a region of Gaul at the time of the Roman Empire. Germany, on the other hand, is “Deutschland” [4] which, if I recall my Old Saxon correctly, meant “write” or “something written, like a note” [5] which means, of course, that I’ll bill you for it… with, of course, the customary substantial OMFG discount. Or we could comp each other, and write it off the books as ‘professional courtesy’ ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1084 "2003-08-29T20:13:12Z")
The thing is, Wyatt, if you fail to overcome the effects of the mysterious Eye Gravity… you will be unable to delight in any of her pleasures not limited to the depth of her soul and all that poetic blather. ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Dreamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@Simple\_Dreamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Dreamer)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1085 "2003-08-29T20:47:59Z")
Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner! **Tanookie** is so right. And for heaven’s sake don’t do the yo-yo thing with your eyes. If the _Eye Gravity_[sup]TM[/sup] is so forceful… freakin’ just look at the girls! [/annoyed rant] 😉 **KP** , I’m ROFL! My German isn’t so poor that I couldn’t translate **Mipiace’s** post, but wow, I totally missed the _hidden_ message in there. BTW, am I understanding right that you are a massage theropist by your post? I could really, really use a good massage. Really need a good working over… (um, seriously, no hidden message or adjenda there.) ---
**Author:** ![Wyatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b19c9b/32.png) [@Wyatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wyatt)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1086 "2003-08-29T21:35:16Z")
no BLATHER!!! I’ll get No Blather??? **gasp!** M u s t … o v e r c o m e … e y e … g r a v i t y … fight … eye … yo-yo … effect … b l a t h e r … a t … s t a k e ! ! ! Ah, there better, nice Figure you got there, ma’am … your face looks vaguely familiar, do I know you from somewhere? Robot Arm!!! We have another product!!! We’ll have to get right on it, to sweep the market with it! “Under-Eye Counter-eye-gravity devices for Men!!!” (Call them under-eye blinders if you must, but its a force of gravity, I tell you, gravity!) makes note to self … ‘eye flick’ to lips … “I want to kiss you” … do it obviously so that it is seen! ‘eye flick to breasts’ or ‘multiple eye flick yo-yo to breasts’ … “I’ll be getting no blather” do NOT do it! (obviously) ---
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1087 "2003-08-29T22:08:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by mipiace \* > \*\*Wait, wait, wait!!! you have an accent? Adn your original nationality is??? Are you really German? Ummm das is shr gut herr Optihut!! Ich liebt in Germania fur drei jahren aber mein Deutsch ist scheift! …and I think my spelling is pretty bad after all these years too. > > You don’t sound like that Austrian guy on Cupid do you? 😉 \*\* Well, my original nationality is German and still is, although I wouldn´t mind living elsewhere, preferably in an English speaking country. Perhaps after I finish studying, I can move to Australia or Canada for some time, we shall see. Austrian guy on Cupid? I am not familiar with that, but at least I don´t sound like that infamous Austrian guy… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by mipiace \* > \*\*Well that is all for me for today gang…I am off to lunch with the Studmuffin. I am going to try to keep my clothes on at least until tongiht but you know it has been a while… \*\* Ah I missed the conclusion in the other thread, so you´re still giving him a chance after Fernando didn´t bite? Good thing, I would have voted for giving him a chance, even though the rest of the posters were in favour of “running”. ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Dreamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@Simple\_Dreamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Dreamer)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1088 "2003-08-29T22:09:43Z")
ROFL! Oh, my tummy hurts now. ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Dreamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@Simple\_Dreamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Dreamer)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1089 "2003-08-29T22:11:01Z")
My laughter was directed at **Wyatt’s** post, btw. ---
**Author:** ![KP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a9adbd/32.png) [@KP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KP)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1090 "2003-08-29T22:13:45Z")
Nothing so interesting as a massage therapist, alas. Like I said, I was waylaid by gypsies and sold to a wandering medical school. Okay, I was sold to a travelling brothel as a towel boy, and given to a med school as change during a bulk-rate rebate for services rendered at a conference However, I labored under the misapprehension that we were supposed to make people _feel_ better, which labeling their ailments and accusing them of ‘failing’ to respond to treatment didn’t always seem to do, for some reason. (Ingrates!) As a result, I applied my newfound knowledge of anatomy (and my old-found knowledge of anatomy, which was completely different) to my longstanding interest in massage. I’m pretty disappointed that most of my colleagues seem to consider a little laying-on of hands beneath them, since it really can help. Well, _I_ certainly feel better afterwards. And the drug rep has been complaining that my antidepressant scrips are down I’d love to learn more, but there’s a big gulf in terminology and background. To me, the instructors use terms ‘incorrectly’ (i.e. informally) or assign them entirely different meanings, often illd-defined or based on old misconceptions. Their ‘scientific explanations’ often sound like gibberish to me, and I get frustrated. It’s not that they don’t have a great deal to offer; it’s just that, like speaking English with a Martian, it isn’t long before the differences start adding up and the underlying truth is lost. [Also, I have limited faith in ‘practical experience’ as proof. Doctors a century ago were as smart and dedicated as we are, yet double blind clinical studies have disproved most of the basic principles their ‘lifetime of personal clinical experience proved beyond all doubt’.] Oh good, I’ve finally put her to sleep, now to begin my first series of evil experiments in anatomical manipulation… ---
**Author:** ![KP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a9adbd/32.png) [@KP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KP)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1091 "2003-08-29T22:18:27Z")
Reading my post, I realize it might be misleading. I don’t often use massage therapeutically. It’s just one of my areas of interest. ---
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1092 "2003-08-29T22:42:54Z")
Oh and Happy Birthday mipiace! ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1093 "2003-08-29T23:37:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Simple Dreamer \* > \*\*ROFL Dave! Yep, I got assets to make any Hooter’s girl jealous. :rolleyes: But thank you for the complement on my skin. 🙂 \*\* Heh! You’re welcome, but really it’s your face that I think is your biggest asset, aside from your personality. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Simple Dreamer \* > \*\*BTW, **Dave** , my email to **Wyatt** was about as hot and erotic as the ones I send you. 😉 \*\* Whoa! You shouldn’t be sending stuff like that to **Wyatt**! He’s just a pup! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Maureen \* > \*\*Well, that depends. What percentage of the profit are you looking to get? As I consider this bet a lock. \*\* A sure thing, huh? Don’t think I’ve ever had a sure thing, before. Can we raise the stakes? I’ll split it with ya’, even shares. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Psalex \* > \*\*What I wouldn’t do for a 1993… \*\* Where’s my copy of Auto-Trader? > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wyatt \* > **Kin I hold 'em for ya, while ya sign 'em?** Well, since no one else has said it, yet…Keep your paws off! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Simple Dreamer \* > \*\*I’m still wondering how my breasts get into so many conversations… 😕 > I suppose some would take it as a compliment, undoubably Dave meant it that way. \*\* Well, they just sort of tag along with you. And, actually, I meant it only as a joke, and I’m sorry if it’s a …well… touchy subject. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by mipiace \* > \*\*Dave baby, geez, you talk like I have castrated you so many times, I never gave you anythign that you didn’t comepletely deserve and that you didn’t START FIRST! So BACK OFF! SILLY BOY, I gave you a scalp massage so be nice, and no, as a matter of fact you never did lick anything off of me…[whine] but since today is my birthday it would be a great time to make that up to me. I’m gongto be down inthe warehouse district of Austin tonight and all of you are welcme to joine th eparty…wish you could all come along for body shots. \*\* Ah! _There’s_ the temper I know and …well… the temper I know. But, I did _offer_ to lick whatever you wanted. You just ignored me. But, since it’s your birthday…I apologize. It was just teasing, but apparently of the wrong nature. If I were in Austin, I’d love to buy you a drink for your birthday. Of course, I’d probably say something else to piss you off, so maybe it’s best if I just say Happy Birthday! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by mipiace \* > \*\*I guess I am licky because (just ask dave) I have small boobs. \*\* Freud would have had such a field day with your writing. (that’s what I get for trying to pay you a compliment ;)) ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2003, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1094 "2003-08-30T10:34:59Z")
Yeah, Happy Birthday, mipiace!! 🆒 :: hoping she doesn’t notice the appalling lateness of my birthday wishes :: ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2003, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1095 "2003-08-30T10:38:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Simple Dreamer \* > \*\*My laughter was directed at **Wyatt’s** post, btw. \*\* You really _do_ have a knack for this simul-posting stuff, don’t you, **Dreamer**? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Dreamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@Simple\_Dreamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Dreamer)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2003, 11:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1096 "2003-08-30T11:23:59Z")
LOL I swear, **Rocky** , I’ve never had this happen so much and I have been on other message boards. ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2003, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1097 "2003-08-30T11:38:24Z")
Simulposts are unavoidable in a Davebear thread! All that action, 1000+ posts… the odds are in your favor 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Dreamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@Simple\_Dreamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Dreamer)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2003, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1098 "2003-08-30T11:56:20Z")
Oh, **Dave** , it’s not really a touchy subject with me. I’m just tired of the problems having “biggins” causes. Not much I can do at this time though as our insurance is _The Worst Insurance Ever_[sup]TM[/sup] and we certainly can’t afford to pay for a reduction out of pocket. 🙂 It’s all good… I can joke about it… **just don’t do the yo-yo thing with your eyes!** 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2003, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1099 "2003-08-30T13:22:13Z")
Why, [sub]Dream [/sub][sup]Girl![/sup][sub]How [/sub][sup]can [/sup][sub]you [/sub][sup]even [/sup][sub]accuse [/sub][sup]me [/sup][sub]of [/sub][sup]such [/sup][sub]a[/sub][sup] thing?[/sup] ---
**Author:** ![Wyatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b19c9b/32.png) [@Wyatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wyatt)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2003, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128/1100 "2003-08-30T14:45:56Z")
**D.BEAR!!!** Be Careful what you _Dooooooo_!!! **Blather** is at Stake!!! or as they say in the horror movies … Doooon’t Go Down There!!! Digesting current data provides: Eye flick to lips … do it obviously Repeated eye flicks to breasts … don’t do it! (obviously!) now, ladies, did I get this part right … “Tis better to boldly stare in a fixed gaze than to have yo-yo’d”??? Yo, Chest, how _You_ doin? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128.md?page=54) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-freaking-god-looong/188128.md?page=56)