# Oh my God, somebody call the Church Lady! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 31, 2001, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671 "2001-10-31T06:03:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/1 "2001-10-31T06:03:09Z")
[This](http://www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/Dell/5296/) is the website of the boy I dated a few years ago. His second sentence begins, “I went from being a sexually immoral teen heading down a dangerous road…” Guess what, God-boy! Most people wouldn’t consider _kissing_ to be sexually immoral for teenagers. And that’s all the farther we got–kissing. I didn’t ever mention the s-e-x word, nor did I mention the p-e-n-i-s or v-a-g-i-n-a words. Mostly you and I talked about religion, which I wouldn’t consider to be a sexual relationship by any standards. I hope you don’t go telling people that I intended to lead you straight to Hell. Jesus Christ!–I was just a stupid fourteen-year-old who really liked you and wanted to be your best friend. I wasn’t at all trying to get you in the sack. Do you think I’m that horny? I respected your values. You may have been sexually immoral then, but you’re sexually immature now. Oooh, kissing, bad. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![The\_Red\_Menace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/82dd89/32.png) [@The\_Red\_Menace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Red_Menace)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/2 "2001-10-31T06:20:09Z")
You vile temptress! You will go to hell unless you get down on your knees right now, recant what you did to this poor defenseless boy, and acknowledge that _ **JESUS ROCKS!** _ ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/3 "2001-10-31T06:20:32Z")
I checked out his site\*, clicked on the guest book, and caught your contribution. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But instead of “You Know Who I Am,” I wish you had ID’d yourself as FireUnderpantsBoobs. \*And now I have to go disinfect my monitor. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/4 "2001-10-31T06:26:30Z")
The music he has on that site is so loud and unpleasant that for a moment I thought my computer had indigestion. ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/5 "2001-10-31T06:28:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kaylasdad99 \* > **But instead of “You Know Who I Am,” I wish you had ID’d yourself as FireUnderpantsBoobs.** Heh, I can see a future conversation: Him: Hi, Kerry. Me: It’s FireUnderpantsBoobs Him: Huh? Me: That’s what my name is now. FireUnderpantsBoobs. Him: The B word! You are sexually immoral! ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/6 "2001-10-31T06:33:53Z")
Whore. ---
**Author:** ![bagkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ab992/32.png) [@bagkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bagkitty)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/7 "2001-10-31T06:35:30Z")
The site in the OP would be funny, if it weren’t so sad. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/8 "2001-10-31T06:35:33Z")
Just kidding, of course. Seriously, though, are you sure he was talking about you? It’s been a few years. Maybe he took up hustling after you knew him. Although if I were you, I’d run with the whole “immoral she-devil” motif he’s building for you. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/9 "2001-10-31T06:38:53Z")
Next time you run in to him, tell him I don’t talk to my buds. I smoke them. Slut. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/10 "2001-10-31T06:43:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Miller \* > \*\*Just kidding, of course. Seriously, though, are you sure he was talking about you? It’s been a few years. Maybe he took up hustling after you knew him. Although if I were you, I’d run with the whole “immoral she-devil” motif he’s building for you. \*\* Yeah, I’m positive it’s me. He’s had no other girlfriends, and therefore no other “sexual” encounters. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/11 "2001-10-31T07:24:34Z")
And by “sad,” I mean pitiable. Obviously, he considers his past to be sexually immoral because he had engaged in an activity that gave him an erection. Well, let’s hope an Internet web site is outlet enough for him that he never feels the urge to climb a watertower. ---
**Author:** ![Philosophocles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Philosophocles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philosophocles)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/12 "2001-10-31T08:14:39Z")
Maybe it’ll catch on like pet rocks. ---
**Author:** ![Pathros\_1983](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@Pathros\_1983](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pathros_1983)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/13 "2001-10-31T08:26:34Z")
I hope he doesnt tell everyone you were the one that led him down that “path,” but otherwise I wouldnt give the boy too much of a hard time! If he really wants to live that conservative of a lifestyle, then its his choice! (I know people that are that conservative…and understand where they come from) But if he starts calling you satans temptress, and blaming all his past sexual deviance on YOU, then I’d kick him right in the nads. Yeah, thatd teach him… ---
**Author:** ![Joyfulgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f04885/32.png) [@Joyfulgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joyfulgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/14 "2001-10-31T09:23:42Z")
[This person](http://www.geocities.com/for_purity/) signed his guestbook with this little gem - “I just want to take a minute to praise the Lord that you were delivered from your wicked teenage Masturbation lifestyle and into the loving arms of Our Savior, Christ Jesus.” That site (the masturbation one) has _got_ to be a joke. “Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.” “Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!” “Practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.” Not to mention the required urine testing proposal. Yeah, it’s a joke. Right? And **FireUnderpantsBoobs** , I wouldn’t let it get to you. It sounds to me like he’s copying the oft-used “Teenage sinner headed down the road to destruction” line to fit in. As long as he isn’t trying to ruin your reputation or give you Chick tracts, I’d let it go. ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/15 "2001-10-31T10:20:22Z")
I’ve a feeling you might appreciate my new addition to the guestbook… pan ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/16 "2001-10-31T10:21:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Joyfulgirl \* > **"Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!"** Is he the same guy who ranted against “doctors”? I keep forgetting that fucker’s name. ---
**Author:** ![Joyfulgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f04885/32.png) [@Joyfulgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joyfulgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/17 "2001-10-31T11:03:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rilchiam \* > \*\* > > Is he the same guy who ranted against “doctors”? I keep forgetting that fucker’s name. \*\* “Doctors”? I dunno, but I’ve been thinking… It’s costing us billions of dollars in lost productivity? Hmm, there must be _some way_ to make it productive. Some way to profit from this terrible curse in America. Oh yes, I forgot. Porn! ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/18 "2001-10-31T11:31:08Z")
With all respect to the OP, I can’t help wondering if there was either someone else (despite her conviction that she was the only girlfriend) or someTHING else we don’t know about… perhaps an obsession with porn, perhaps an obsession with not-so-run-of-the-mill porn. If he;d been collecting movies of women with donkeys and so forth, I could understand his characterization of himslf as “sexually immoral.” Since the link that supposedly has Rob’s “testimony” doesn’t seem to work right now, I can only speculate. Certainly, I can’t see kissing, between two fourteen-year-olds, without anything more, as “sexually immoral,” even by reasonably strict standards. - Rick ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/19 "2001-10-31T13:57:40Z")
**kabbes** , why you gotta do that, man? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/20 "2001-10-31T13:59:59Z")
Sometimes the demons… well… they _hurt_ me. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671.md?page=2)