# Oh my God, somebody call the Church Lady! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 31, 2001, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671 "2001-10-31T06:03:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![ElwoodCuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/edb3f5/32.png) [@ElwoodCuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElwoodCuse)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/61 "2001-11-01T03:48:41Z")
[http://www.theonion.com/onion3618/teen\_abstinence.html](http://www.theonion.com/onion3618/teen_abstinence.html) That teen abstinence rally totally rocked! ---
**Author:** ![Dale\_The\_Bold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/41988e/32.png) [@Dale\_The\_Bold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dale_The_Bold)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/62 "2001-11-01T03:52:42Z")
Maybe it isn’t that he _literally_ was physically sinful, but was lusting in his heart. Who knows what random thoughts run through a man’s mind. Fire? Underpants? Boobs? Just from typing it, I’m feeling a little naughty. ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/63 "2001-11-01T04:06:18Z")
This is further proof that the nicest of women draw nutcases to them like tornados to a trailer park. ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/64 "2001-11-01T04:15:00Z")
**Dale** , I had honestly never considered that before. Thank you. **Billy** , that was very sweet…at least the first part. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lucki\_Chaarms](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lucki\_Chaarms](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucki_Chaarms)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/65 "2001-11-01T04:19:41Z")
Shit, forget the Church Lady! Somebody call **SavedByJebus**!! LC ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/66 "2001-11-01T06:53:29Z")
From the anti-masturbation site: \*\* > [@](#): > > Science has discovered that men produce sperm cells constantly.\*\* Yeah, to replace the sperm that’s constantly dying off. It’s a matter of keeping the level constant, not creating a surplus. \*\* > [@](#): > > All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man doesn’t masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine.\*\* Que? I’m female, and not in the medical field, but I remember health class. Sperm originates in the testes; urine originates (more or less) in the bladder. There’s no traffic between the two. \*\* > [@](#): > > It would be very simple to require unmarried men to submit frequent urine samples,\*\* At gunpoint? \*\* > [@](#): > > which could then be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having orgasms one way or another!\*\* If he has **any** sperm cells in his urine, it means something’s very very wrong with his equipment. \*\* > [@](#): > > Therefore he is guilty of either Masturbation or Fornication and should be imprisoned! Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has been a very powerful weapon! We should not hesitate to harness it for use in the War On Masturbation!\*\* The power of Christ compells ye! ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/67 "2001-11-01T07:18:15Z")
The anti-masturbation site certainly is a joke. The guy who runs it was complaining that he has to tone it down some. He was getting too many e-mails from people who knew it was a joke and not enough from people who believed it was real. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/68 "2001-11-01T07:20:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dr. Lao \* > \*\*The anti-masturbation site certainly is a joke. The guy who runs it was complaining that he has to tone it down some. He was getting too many e-mails from people who knew it was a joke and not enough from people who believed it was real. \*\* Not sure what you mean. He wanted more people to think it was real and get offended? ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/69 "2001-11-01T07:26:59Z")
Oh, and I don’t think he was necessarily attacking **'Boobs** here. I couldn’t load the “My Testimony” part but from the front page he just describes himself as “sexually immoral.” Since Christians believe that having lustful thoughts is the same thing as actually commiting a immoral sexual act, then he needn’t have actually done anything sexually immoral with anyone for him to consider himself a sexually immoral person. He could, and very well may, consider **FUB** completely blameless. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/70 "2001-11-01T07:28:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rilchiam \* > **Not sure what you mean. He wanted more people to think it was real and get offended?** Actually, I think he wanted more people to think it was real and praise him for it. I got the impression that most people who thought it was real agreed with what he wrote. ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/71 "2001-11-01T10:16:15Z")
Well I still think that what _I_ wrote was funny. No… no… you’re right actually. I’m sure that now he knows that masturbation causes dimpled chads in Florida, his life is ruined. However can I repay him my venom? Now what was that phrase involving heat and kitchens? Although I think in this case “kitchen” can be replaced with “mildly heated under-stairs cupboard”. pan ---
**Author:** ![coffeecat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coffeecat/32/3405_2.png) [@coffeecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecat)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/72 "2001-11-01T11:47:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by andygirl \* > \*\*Yes, but was it all right for her to kiss girls? 😉 \*\* “You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination.” (Lev 18:22) I think He insists upon it, hon. ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/73 "2001-11-01T12:27:25Z")
I love the smell of fresh baked woosh in the morning, indeedie do… ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/74 "2001-11-01T12:37:44Z")
Think you may have been the one being wooshed there, **andy**. **Coffee** is saying that actually the bible commands women to _only_ kiss women! ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/75 "2001-11-01T14:16:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rilchiam \* > \*\*Where does he have a link to this board? \*\* No direct link to the SDMB, but one of us did include a link to the SD main page in that guestbook. I bet that’s how our newest witness/troll found us. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/76 "2001-11-01T14:20:37Z")
Little Bird, did that girl ever get married? ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/77 "2001-11-01T14:26:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jeff Olsen \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Rilchiam \* > > \*\*Where does he have a link to this board? \*\* > > No direct link to the SDMB, but one of us did include a link to the SD main page in that guestbook. I bet that’s how our newest witness/troll found us. \*\* I think that was a coincidence actually, as **SBJ** has admitted being a troll and moved onto the next message board (incidentally giving us all props in the process for being so calm and rational under provocation). pan ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/78 "2001-11-01T15:23:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kabbes \* > \*\*Think you may have been the one being wooshed there, **andy**. **Coffee** is saying that actually the bible commands women to _only_ kiss women! \*\* Well, in that case… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/79 "2001-11-01T16:09:30Z")
alright, alright - posting to his guestbook was immature and mean and I’m sort of embarrassed about it today. Rob, if you read this, I wish you a long and happy life, free of fear of your own body and its impulses. I hope you learn to see human sexuality as a gift, and get to express that gift with someone you love someday. I hope the people who taught you about Jesus taught you more about the loving, tolerant, accepting, life-affirming stuff than about sin, hellfire, and damnation. Sorry if our postings in your guestbook came in a way that was designed more to make us laugh than to make you think. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671/80 "2001-11-01T16:37:05Z")
One or two comments were enough, and then some. It’s still going on, and it’s getting more vicious and blasphemous as it goes. Knock it off, in the name of all that’s merciful and decent. Please? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-god-somebody-call-the-church-lady/90671.md?page=5)