# Oh, no. My testes! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 7, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666 "2010-05-07T18:46:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siddhartha_Vicious)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/1 "2010-05-07T18:46:49Z")
In less than two hours, I’m going in for my vasectomy. My doctor, while a very nice man who I did not want to shake hands with, was a little vague on what to expect. He was very informative on what will actually happen, what with the incisions and the clamps and the horses pulling on my scrotum (admittedly, my attention did wander at some point during our conversation). But he didn’t really tell me what to actually expect to happen to me during the procedure. So far, the shaving has been the hardest part. Try to imagine taking a razor blade to a deflated balloon with a peach pit in it. Not easy. It took hours to get the boys clean. But now I’m silky smooth and ready for action. Now, with less than two hours to go, I’m starting to get nervous. I have four kids, so I WANT this done. And I’m not worried about the aftermath (sore balls? I can live with that). But the actual process is still a mystery. Will I be wide awake? Will I feel them yanking and cutting? Can I bring my iPod so that I can’t hear myself crying? Will I smell them cauterizing my sperm tubes? Will they give me pain pills? Will I need them? Will pretty nurses stand around, pointing and laughing at my junk? Are stirrups involved? And how much work can I get my wife to do for me over the weekend? Reassure me, fellow Dopers. I wasn’t nervous until now. ---
**Author:** ![Encinitas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Encinitas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Encinitas)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/2 "2010-05-07T18:52:38Z")
While I have no personal experience is this…um…area…I hear that you should have bags of frozen peas on hand at home for post-operative pain relief. ---
**Author:** ![Algher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Algher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algher)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/3 "2010-05-07T18:56:03Z")
It wasn’t that bad for me. The only interesting part was being in the stirrups like a woman going in for a gyno. In addition, I had two nurses sterilizing me and double checking with a razor. Something about my legs spread, two nurses, the doctor and my wife all there made it an odd situation. Other than than - two tugs, two Ouch! moments, and then home with a bag of ice on my lap and a stack of movies to watch. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/4 "2010-05-07T18:57:06Z")
Be warned the hair comes back in such a way that you will think they replaced your parts with those of a werewolf. ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/5 "2010-05-07T18:58:04Z")
Might I suggest that you avoid movies that have Sandra Bullock or Jessica Alba in them until you heal up. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siddhartha_Vicious)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/6 "2010-05-07T18:59:40Z")
**Encinitas:** Immediately after I read that, I called my wife at the store to tell her to get some peas. **Algher** : Ouch moments? So it’s not totally numbed? \*\* Swallowed My Cellphone\*\*: That made me giggle like a schoolgirl. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/7 "2010-05-07T19:03:55Z")
I think you should be able to get your wife to do _everything_, for at least a week. Now, just close your eyes and think of, “any time, any where.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/8 "2010-05-07T19:06:51Z")
I’m serious! I had a girlfriend who once wondered aloud if I thought shaved nether regions were sexy. I misinterpreted. I came out of the bathroom bald as a mole rat, to which se responded “EWWW! Gross!” ☹ My little gentle curlies didn’t grow back right away, oh no they did not. It came back as HAIR, so it looked like was wearing a woolen thong! Eventually my standard fuzz was restored, but the initial (very itchy regrowth) was definitely Sasquatchian. ---
**Author:** ![Algher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Algher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algher)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/9 "2010-05-07T19:08:51Z")
Its numbed, but there is still a (wait for it) little prick when they start. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/10 "2010-05-07T19:11:49Z")
Make sure you go back for your post-op check before you abandon whatever form of birth control you are currently using. If I were you, I’d tell my wife the Dr said I was forbidden from vaccuming for … the rest of my life. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/11 "2010-05-07T19:14:11Z")
Two really hot nurses performed fellatio on me before the procedure began, but I’ve got _really good_ health insurance, so YMMV. Then they got down to business. I had taken a sedative, so I was very relaxed. They hit me with a local anesthetic in the appriopriate area and started cutting. I could feel pulling and tugging sensations, and could smell the burning flesh when they cauterized the toobz (smelled like bacon!) (not really). By the time they started the second side the anesthetic was starting to wear off, and it sort of hurt when they were pulling on the toob on that side. So they hit me again with more anesthetic, waited a few, and finished up just like the first side. Then they sent me home for a weekend of chillin’ in bed. I could have got up and gotten about, but a weekend of bed rest was welcomed anyhow. No sex or pulling yer pud for a week to 10 days, then you’ve got to provide samples to the doc’s office so they can be sure your toobz haven’t managed to reconnect themselves (it happens rarely I guess). Then the payoff: Worry-free sex for _the rest of your life!_ Awesome. Definitely worth the minor discomfort. For about a year and a half afterwards, I experienced pain in my sack when I ejaculated, but it eventually went away. Doc said it wasn’t ‘normal’ (i.e. _expected_), but nothing to worry about and assured me it would _eventually_ go away. Which it did. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/12 "2010-05-07T19:17:56Z")
> [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > No sex or pulling yer pud for a week to 10 days But after that, tell your SO that the Doc said a nightly massage is mandatory and ask if she’d help you out. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/13 "2010-05-07T19:18:27Z")
Dude, you get to **keep** your testes. 😛 (Edit: The thread title was making me wonder. Then again, I could be biased since one of my rabbits is going in next week for a neutering. I keep calling it a “snip” around my husband since he was looking uncomfortable.) ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Woodhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Miss\_Woodhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Woodhouse)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/14 "2010-05-07T19:21:45Z")
> [@](#): > > No sex or pulling yer pud for a week to 10 days, then you’ve got to provide samples to the doc’s office so they can be sure your toobz haven’t managed to reconnect themselves (it happens rarely I guess). Well that and to make sure you’re completely cleaned out. I have a good friend with two very adorable twin girls who were conceived _after_ daddy’s little operation. They neglected to go back in for the 0 count follow up and he wasn’t 0 count yet. ---
**Author:** ![JerseyFrank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bcef8e/32.png) [@JerseyFrank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerseyFrank)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/15 "2010-05-07T19:22:37Z")
I’m SO never getting this done. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/16 "2010-05-07T19:39:21Z")
I’m getting mixed up between this and the “testy” thread. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/17 "2010-05-07T20:07:41Z")
> [@Siddhartha\_Vicious](#): > > Now, with less than two hours to go, I’m starting to get nervous. I have four kids, so I WANT this done. And I’m not worried about the aftermath (sore balls? I can live with that). But the actual process is still a mystery. Will I be wide awake? Yes. > [@](#): > > Will I feel them yanking and cutting? Yes. > [@](#): > > Can I bring my iPod so that I can’t hear myself crying? Yes. > [@](#): > > Will I smell them cauterizing my sperm tubes? Yes. Believe me, you haven’t lived until you have seen smoke issuing from your own crotch. > [@](#): > > Will they give me pain pills? Yes. > [@](#): > > Will I need them? Yes. > [@](#): > > Will pretty nurses stand around, pointing and laughing at my junk? Are stirrups involved? The srugical tech in my case was about sixteen, apparently. She was messing about with the cautery machine, and asked the doctor, “How do you turn this thing on?” At which point my testicles made a valiant attempt to hide behind my kidneys. > [@](#): > > And how much work can I get my wife to do for me over the weekend? My wife developed an unexpected cruel streak post-V. She bought a new nightgown “for when you feel better”, and wore it around me when there was still no chance for me to do anything about it. Damn, I love that woman. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![RalfCoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@RalfCoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RalfCoder)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/18 "2010-05-07T20:30:57Z")
Most answers here pretty much parallel my experience, except that I wanna know where Winston Smith gets his insurance coverage!!! I was told to shave everything myself. I did what I could, but I didn’t achieve naked mole rat status. I probably looked more like “Charlie Sheen Mole Rat after a 3 day bender”. But the doctor took care of shaving where he needed me to be shaved. I brought a newspaper to read - this was well before Ipods and those newfangled contrivances. They wouldn’t let me read it - something about keeping a sterile field and such. I got a quick shot of a local anesthetic, and then Dr. Coldhands proceeded to tape Little Ralf down to keep him from standing at attention. All the while he was teaching his assistant Dr. Teenager how to perform the procedure. To be honest, there wasn’t much pain, only a little tugging. It sort of felt like he was pulling on a kidney blood vessel, I think. Not painful, but just… odd. Then there was a whiff of burned Ralf as he cauterized the ends, and then he followed the label instructions (rinse and repeat as necessary) for the other side. The cauterization is a good idea - I know 2 guys who had the Big Snip, and who’s wives became pregnant after the cut ends apparently located each other and join hands again. Cauterization would prevent that, I assume. Don’t take my word, though - I don’t play a doctor on TV, even. I was given a little specimen cup, some pain pills, and post-care instructions to go home and sit down for the weekend. I was able to walk out under my own power, but I definitely didn’t take any manly giant strides across the parking lot. I took one of the pain pills, but didn’t really need the rest of them. YMMV. A bag of frozen peas can be a great friend to you in this time. But a gallon ziploc bag with ice inside and a hand towel outside will do just as well, and there’s much less chance of the bag ending up back in the freezer afterwards, and on your dinner plate next week. Imagine serving that to your boss - or mother-in-law. You’d kill yourself trying to keep a straight face! I second the comment to be sure you use whatever form of birth control you’ve been using until you get the doctor’s okey-dokey that you’re officially no longer in the gene pool. I went back 2-3 times, I think. BTW, this is what the specimen cup was for, if you haven’t figured that out. You’ll feel really funny bringing this in, as it’s a lead-pipe guaranteed cinch that the person behind the desk when you bring this in will be an off-duty Miss America. But it’s worth it in the long run. And you’ll get to to use the greatest vasectomy joke in all the world afterwards. “When the doctor took off the tape, he tore all the hair off my chest!” ---
**Author:** ![3waygeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/e95f7d/32.png) [@3waygeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3waygeek)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/19 "2010-05-07T20:36:12Z")
You may want to pick up a copy of the most recent issue of Playboy – there’s a Dave Barry piece about his vasectomy experience. OTOH, you may want to wait a week or two, as neither the naked chicks nor Dave Barry-induced belly laughs may be a pleasant post-operative experience. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666/20 "2010-05-07T21:15:24Z")
The doctor will tell you to go home, lie down, and stay there for at least the weekend. FOLLOW HIS ADVICE. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-no-my-testes/538666.md?page=2)