# Oh noes, we're surrounded! Chuck Norris is going to kick our asses! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 10, 2009, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932 "2009-03-10T07:57:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/1 "2009-03-10T07:57:19Z")
_tremble_ Chuck Norris has a [blog on World Net Daily](http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=91103) and he’s rabble-rousing the right, hinting that it’s really ok to overthrow the government because it’s been done before. Ok, that’s paraphrased, but he brings up all kinds of examples, and lets people know that… > [@](#): > > For those losing hope, and others wanting to rekindle the patriotic fires of early America, I encourage you to join Fox News’ Glenn Beck, me and millions of people across the country in the live telecast, “We Surround Them,” on Friday afternoon (March 13 at 5 p.m. ET, 4 p.m. CT and 2 p.m. PST). **Thousands of cell groups** will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation. You can host or attend a viewing party by going to Glenn’s website. My wife Gena and I will be hosting one from our Texas ranch, in which we’ve invited many family members, friends and law enforcement to join us. It’s our way of saying “We’re united, we’re tired of the corruption, and we’re not going to take it anymore!” I love the terrorist nomenclature. Just like that one [Republican Texas Congressman who said](http://hotlineoncall.nationaljournal.com/archives/2009/02/sessions_gop_in.php) that the Republicans need to learn how to be insurgents from the Taliban. They surround us? How scary is that? He sure does quote a lot of fine American patriots. > [@](#): > > Again, **Sam Houston** put it well when he gave the marching orders, _“We view ourselves on the eve of battle. We are nerved for the contest, and must conquer or perish. It is vain to look for present aid: None is at hand. We must now act or abandon all hope! Rally to the standard, and be no longer the scoff of mercenary tongues! Be men, be free men, that your children may bless their father’s name.”_ Plus, he quotes George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Patrick Henry, and John Adams: > [@](#): > > John Adams declared that, _“Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people.”_ Yet we’ve bastardized the First Amendment, reinterpreted America’s religious history and secularized our society until we ooze skepticism and circumvent religion on every level of public and private life. And of course, they have the Constitution on their side: > [@](#): > > How much more will Americans take? When will enough be enough? And, when that time comes, will our leaders finally listen or will history need to record a second American Revolution? We the people have the authority according to America’s Declaration of Independence, which states: > > - That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience has shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security\*. And he brings up the Alamo! > [@](#): > > Just last Friday, the Alamo celebrated its 173rd commemoration, when on March 6, 1836, Texans under Col. William B. Travis were overcome by the Mexican army after a two-week siege at the Alamo in San Antonio. But they didn’t go down without a hell-of-a-fight, as those roughly 145 Texans fought to their dying breaths against more than 2,000 Mexican forces under Gen. Santa Anna. (Casualties in the battle were 189 Texans vs. about 1,600 Mexicans.) They lost that battle, but would provide the inspiration to win the war. Their fighting spirit rallied the new-found republic, and still does to this day. So when you think all is lost in America, remember the Alamo! Are we lefty, communist/socialist/Marxist/illegal alien-loving pinkos the ones trapped in the Alamo? Which would mean that the conservatives who’ll rise up and conquer us are…brown, Spanish-speaking soldiers? Er, wait, reading that again, they’re in the Alamo? Which means that we’re the Spanish-speaking brown people. Hmmm, no, I’m totally lily-white, and the the only Spanish I know is “supermercado,” “Si,” “gracias,” and “por favor.” And I can count to 10. But, wait, didn’t the Alamo people like, lose? Really badly? So he’s basically telling his readers ‘we’re gonna lose and you’re gonna die, but hey, join up anyway!’ ?? I’m so confused. But anyway, we ought to be really really scared. I mean, _cells_ of rabid, drooling, angry right-wingers. With guns. _shiver_ Oh! And by the way, after followers wipe up the drool and cumstains after reading his blog… > [@](#): > > … Chuck is also inviting anyone near the Houston area this weekend to see a good example of the raw Texas fighting spirit by joining him and others for the national martial arts event, “Showdown in H-Town.”) So it was all just an advertisement. Well. What kind of drugs are these people on? And is it FDA approved? ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/2 "2009-03-10T08:32:12Z")
I thought Chuck Norris was dead, having fallen under a horse getting pelted by buckshot during the fliming of Blazing Saddles??? 😕 Of course, I might be mistaken. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/3 "2009-03-10T10:36:54Z")
Ben Stein? Chuck Norris? What the hell is happening to my heros? It’s like Nietzsche said: “That which doesn’t kill me kind of freaks me out.” ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 10:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/4 "2009-03-10T10:56:54Z")
I believe the Texas constitution states that Texas has the right to leave the US. I am absolutely okay with that. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_Clock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Shot\_Clock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_Clock)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/5 "2009-03-10T11:50:11Z")
Chuck Norris can bite my biscuits. He complains about the “bastardization” of the First Amendment, then uses his First Amendment rights to basically call for secession and the violent overthrow of the duly-elected government. > [@Chuck Norris](#): > > “If this country starts to spiral out of control and Mexico melts down or whatever, if it really starts to spiral out of control, before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country (which it would have under I think the Republicans as well in this situation; they were taking us to the same place, just slower), Americans won’t stand for it.” Where was this concern about Republicans when you were out kicking ass for Huckabee, Tough Guy? I guess my big problem with Chuckie’s insignificant screed promoting Yahoo Conservatism (as well as his products and promotions) is that enough people might take this brand of bullshit seriously enough to where they actually try to “do something” to “Take America Back”. Living in South Carolina, I hear this crap on the streets and on the radio stations every day. Most of it comes from politicians and entertainers pandering to a small audience of cranks, but one day a group of these unbalanced crackers is gonna conduct an armed siege of the statehouse, and then this shit won’t be so funny anymore. Still love The Octogon, though! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Surb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Surb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Surb)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/6 "2009-03-10T12:44:41Z")
Since he’s in Texas, he can team up with Ted Nugent. The combined bullshit will make their opponents heads explode. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/7 "2009-03-10T12:47:33Z")
> [@](#): > > Thousands of cell groups Lots of ninnies hanging around gabbing on cell phones? We’ve got that already. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/8 "2009-03-10T13:23:01Z")
> [@](#): > > . But they didn’t go down without a hell-of-a-fight, as those roughly 145 Texans fought to their dying breaths against more than 2,000 Mexican forces under Gen. Santa Anna. (Casualties in the battle were 189 Texans vs. about 1,600 Mexicans.) Man, those Mexican were cruel - they killed 44 of those Texans _twice_. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/9 "2009-03-10T13:32:53Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Man, those Mexican were cruel - they killed 44 of those Texans _twice_. I’m pretty sure that “casualties” includes wounded. So that would be 145 dead, 44 wounded. ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/10 "2009-03-10T14:19:28Z")
Rush / Norris 2012 anyone? ---
**Author:** ![R.P.McMurphy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7993a0/32.png) [@R.P.McMurphy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R.P.McMurphy)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/11 "2009-03-10T14:29:05Z")
Chuck Norris and Glenn Beck. If the Founding Fathers has known about those two there would have been some caveats written into the First Amendment. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/12 "2009-03-10T14:37:50Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > I believe the Texas constitution states that Texas has the right to leave the US. I am absolutely okay with that. No, it doesn’t. No state constitution does. And there are a hell of a lot of sane people in Texas as well as the crazies. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/13 "2009-03-10T14:40:25Z")
They should really change their marketing slogan. “Texas - We’ve got a hell of a lot of \*\*\*sane \*\*\*people, too!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/14 "2009-03-10T14:49:11Z")
> [@Grumman](#): > > I’m pretty sure that “casualties” includes wounded. So that would be 145 dead, 44 wounded. But there were only 145 of them _there_. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/15 "2009-03-10T14:56:57Z")
Maybe many of them were Chuck Norris’s ancestors. And we all know that Chuck Norris counts as two people: Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris’s balls. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/16 "2009-03-10T15:00:40Z")
That’s 3 people. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/17 "2009-03-10T15:02:08Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > But there were only 145 of them _there_. [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_the_Alamo) lists the Texans (Texians?) at 180-260, with 182-257 killed. So Chuck’s facts are wrong and also internally inconsistent, the way they’re worded. But who needs facts when you’re being jingoistically divisive? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/18 "2009-03-10T15:04:55Z")
> [@Captain\_Carrot](#): > > No, it doesn’t. No state constitution does. Well, I’m sure we can change it. We could even get it enshrined as a US constitutinal amendment. XXVIII: Beat it, Texas. And take the Krazee with you. But leave us Austin, 'cause that’s a cool place. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/19 "2009-03-10T15:10:16Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > But there were only 145 of them _there_. That _would_ pose some problems for my theory. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tao_s_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/20 "2009-03-10T15:14:53Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > That’s 3 people. Lefty seceded. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932.md?page=2)