# Oh noes, we're surrounded! Chuck Norris is going to kick our asses! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 10, 2009, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932 "2009-03-10T07:57:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/21 "2009-03-10T15:19:30Z")
If Texas does secede, all the sane Texans can move to Utah. You’ll freak out all the Mormons and turn Utah blue at the same time. Win win. Those who want to stay in the flats can take over Oklahoma and Kansas and help turn them blue. Of course we’ll have to build a wall all along the Texas border to keep the illegal aliens out of our country. It’ll be too bad about Austin. Maybe they can move SXSW to Santa Fe. They already have their President of Texas all ready to go. I have a feeling that Hillary won’t be able to do much diplomatin’ with old Chuckie. Oh hey, if any of you “real Americans” want to take part in this, [here’s a website](http://wesurroundthemmap.com/) where you can find out where to go in your city/state. If any fake Americans want to go just for shits’n’grins, be sure to leave your Obama t-shirts and buttons at home. And try not to laugh. That’s a dead givaway. Hey Carol Stream, there’s one in the Chicago area! Maybe I’ll see you there! Not that we’d know who each other is. > [@The\_Surb](#): > > Since he’s in Texas, he can team up with Ted Nugent. The combined bullshit will make their opponents heads explode. Ted’s music would do that. The loudest, most excruciating concert I ever attended was a Ted Nugent concert. It was a Summerfest thing, with lots of different groups, lest anyone think I was there to actually see Ted Nugent. This was at a baseball stadium and we were up in the nosebleed section, and still the music was so loud that I had to plug my ears with my fingers. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for the people down near the stage and speakers! ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/22 "2009-03-10T15:32:02Z")
Texas can’t secede! That’s what THEY want. And while Chuck Norris may sound like a self-aggrandizing wackaloon with delusions of grandeur, it’s only people like him who are standing between true Americans and the [Zionist Illuminati](http://www.curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=1371389#i). I’d say more, but the shape-shifting Board Overlords are just waiting for an excuse to ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/23 "2009-03-10T15:48:23Z")
Jackmannii! Jackmannii! Where’d you go?? Ooooooooh Noooooooooo! Let’s all have a moment of silence for Jackmannii. Better him than me though. ---
**Author:** ![Calatin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Calatin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calatin)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/24 "2009-03-10T16:13:43Z")
I actually listen to Glenn Beck on my 45 minute drive to work, and last week, he had an interview with Chuck Norris. I remember it being a little more… delusional than [this transcript](http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/196/22220/) denotes, but I really think that Chuck Norris thinks he **is** the characters he portrays. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/25 "2009-03-10T16:16:56Z")
Who can blame these people? They have had had to endure this socialist government chipping away at their freedoms for **two whole months**!! By God, it’s time for revolution! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tao_s_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/26 "2009-03-10T16:17:35Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > Texas can’t secede! That’s what THEY want. > > And while Chuck Norris may sound like a self-aggrandizing wackaloon with delusions of grandeur, it’s only people like him who are standing between true Americans and the [Zionist Illuminati](http://www.curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=1371389#i). > > I’d say more, but the shape-shifting Board Overlords are just waiting for an excuse to Oh crap Candle Jack is in the Illuminati! Quick we have to ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/27 "2009-03-10T16:21:50Z")
> [@Calatin](#): > > I really think that Chuck Norris thinks he **is** the characters he portrays. Well to be fair, it’s to his credit that he realizes he’s no actor. ---
**Author:** ![C3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/c3/32/3108_2.png) [@C3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C3)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/28 "2009-03-10T16:25:52Z")
> [@Shot\_Clock](#): > > I guess my big problem with Chuckie’s insignificant screed promoting Yahoo Conservatism (as well as his products and promotions) is that enough people might take this brand of bullshit seriously enough to where they actually try to “do something” to “Take America Back”. Living in South Carolina, I hear this crap on the streets and on the radio stations every day. Most of it comes from politicians and entertainers pandering to a small audience of cranks, but one day a group of these unbalanced crackers is gonna conduct an armed siege of the statehouse, and then this shit won’t be so funny anymore. Exactly. I’m not even worried about an organized group doing something stupid. All it takes is one individual whacko to inflict serious damage. We’ve already had one gunman shoot up a UU church because he was pissed off at “liberals” - and that was before these freaks started trying to actively incite people. ---
**Author:** ![ShadowFacts](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shadowfacts/32/2934_2.png) [@ShadowFacts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShadowFacts)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/29 "2009-03-10T16:31:22Z")
> [@Jack\_Batty](#): > > And we all know that Chuck Norris counts as two people: Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris’s balls. > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > That’s 3 people. > [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](#): > > Lefty seceded. 😃 Well played, one and all. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/30 "2009-03-10T16:39:42Z")
Its the strangest thing, how one reacts. I didn’t know Chuck Norris even existed until I saw _Way of the Dragon_ with Bruce Lee, the one where he beats Chucky to death. And the first scene with Chuck, where he gets off the airplane, I _instantly_ hated every bone in his body! Knew nothing about him at all, just immediate visceral loathing. (Not a particularly good movie, even for chop-socky, but seeing Chuck Norris beaten to death!..Joe Bob ' **luc** says “Check it out!”…) ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/31 "2009-03-10T16:40:45Z")
> [@The\_Surb](#): > > Since he’s in Texas, he can team up with Ted Nugent. The combined bullshit will make their opponents heads explode. Oh lordy, if we could round them all up in one place that would be a huge relief. Toss ‘em in with that idiot who just became Dallas’ most famous new resident. Secession. Let’s see. On the one hand, caught between the worlds remaining super power and Mexico. On the other, if we secede, I don’t have to help pay for that godawful monstrosity of a library that’s going up in Junior’s name. Screw it, we’ll move somewhere the weather’s decent. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/32 "2009-03-10T16:48:56Z")
Just not here, OK? You wouldn’t believe how many recovering Texans we got here in MN. And its cold! Godawmighty cold! Sure, long leggedy Nordic beauties everwheres, but you got your ice spiders, you got your “Bar B Que” made with _tomato sauce_! Blasphemy! Iowa. Iowa’s nice. ---
**Author:** ![Sr\_Siete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6de8d8/32.png) [@Sr\_Siete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sr_Siete)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/33 "2009-03-10T16:55:49Z")
> [@Linty\_Fresh](#): > > Ben Stein? Chuck Norris? What the hell is happening to my heros? > > It’s like Nietzsche said: “That which doesn’t kill me kind of freaks me out.” Oh, dear. That’s very often misquoted because of that Conan the Barbarian movie. What Nietzche actually said id “That which doesn’t destroy us kind of freak us out.” He was sort of talking about the destruction of societies, not of individuals. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/34 "2009-03-10T17:57:54Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > But there were only 145 of them _there_. Wrong. The rest were in the basement. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/35 "2009-03-10T18:07:16Z")
How dare you pit Chuck Norris, and on his birthday\* no less! Why do you hate America!?\*\* :eek: - Useless random fact I know from happening to share it with him. Did you know today is also Osama Bin Laden’s Birthday? How about that for an odd coincidence. \*\* I actually reall don’t have a dog in this fight, I just wanted to give that reaction. ---
**Author:** ![LonesomePolecat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a88e57/32.png) [@LonesomePolecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LonesomePolecat)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/36 "2009-03-10T18:21:45Z")
> [@Equipoise](#): > > And try not to laugh. That’s a dead givaway. Before you laugh, go to your local gun store and ask them how business has been lately. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/37 "2009-03-10T18:26:17Z")
Happy Birthday, **Blaster Master**. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/38 "2009-03-10T18:31:05Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > Wrong. The rest were in the basement. Along with someone’s bike? ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/39 "2009-03-10T18:37:38Z")
> [@Calatin](#): > > I actually listen to Glenn Beck on my 45 minute drive to work, and last week, he had an interview with Chuck Norris. I remember it being a little more… delusional than [this transcript](http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/196/22220/) denotes, but I really think that Chuck Norris thinks he **is** the characters he portrays. [Quote=Transcript] GLENN: Chuck’s the author of Black Belt Patriotism: How to Reawaken America. Chuck, you know what? I was talking about General Petraeus the other day. I mean this sincerely: I would love to have General Petraeus go up to Washington and clean that hornet’s nest out. I’d like him to set up a military tribunal and call them in one by one, okay, going to have a little interview with you. Find out if they’re guilty or innocent of being involved in, you know, all kinds of the scandals that are going on and kick them out. NORRIS: I want to go with General Petraeus myself and be next to him and when he finds out who’s guilty and, you know, dishonest, then I will take care of it for him. Took him out. I’ll choke them out, the ones that he finds dishonest, I will choke them out and stick them into a pile. [/Quote] It was more delusional that that? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2009, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932/40 "2009-03-10T18:58:55Z")
Yes, happy birthday, Blaster Master. And Chuck. Not so much the other guy. > [@elucidator](#): > > (Not a particularly good movie, even for chop-socky, but seeing Chuck Norris beaten to death!..Joe Bob ' **luc** says “Check it out!”…) [You’re welcome.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbIwQMBeC2c) I’m imagining the scene at FBI headquarters. Big Cheese FBI Guy: Agent Smith, you’re assigned to Papa Joe’s Pizza in San Marco. Agent Smith: Yes sir. (_thinks to himself_ All right! I have to be around a bunch of loonballs, but at least I get to eat pizza!) BCFBIG: Agent Jones, you’re assigned to Alliance Realty office in Tyler. Agent Jones: Yes sir. (_thinks to himself_ FUCK! I have more seniority than that Smith guy, why can’t I get the pizza place? Shit!) I’m a liberal through and through, but sometimes I have to channel my inner freeper and say, Thank you Bush, for the Patriot Act! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-noes-were-surrounded-chuck-norris-is-going-to-kick-our-asses/488932.md?page=3)