# OJ VINDICATED REAL KILLER CAUGHT - Newspaper headlines you'd love to see **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 16, 2006, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735 "2006-02-16T02:04:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/1 "2006-02-16T02:04:45Z")
I was watching a documentary on TV last week, a retrospective look at the OJ Simpson, when it occurred to me what a great news story it would be if the “real” killer of Nicole Simpson was arrested. I am pretty sure that the real killer is a black guy with the initials of a popular breakfast drink however it would be a story that would get my attention. What other storieswould be as compelling? And what would your headline be? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/2 "2006-02-16T02:25:53Z")
**BUSH CONVICTED ON ALL COUNTS** (Natch). **Jesus Returns to Earth- Delivers Blistering Condemnation of Religious Right**. **Local Cynic Wins Record Powerball** **Vikings Win 5th Consecutive Superbowl**. ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/3 "2006-02-16T02:29:31Z")
“God Fires Pat Robertson” ---
**Author:** ![beckwall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b487fb/32.png) [@beckwall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beckwall)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/4 "2006-02-16T02:48:01Z")
**Ignorance Defeated - Dopers Celebrate and Continue to Post Witty Threads** (spelling and grammar correct 100% of the time) ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/5 "2006-02-16T02:59:50Z")
\*\*Newest version of Windows 100% bug-free Airlines agree on rational fare pricing Appliance stores agree: extended warranties useless\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/6 "2006-02-16T03:10:27Z")
**Groundbreaking Study Shows That Giving Blowjobs More Effective Than Exercise, Dieting For Women’s Weight loss** ---
**Author:** ![alterego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6bbea6/32.png) [@alterego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alterego)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/7 "2006-02-16T03:11:25Z")
[ul] [li]\*\*[/li] ```auto 0100110001100001011100110111010000100000011100100110010101101101011000010110100101101110011010010110111001100111001000000110100001110101011011010110000101101110001000000110001001100101011010010110111001100111001000000110010001101001011001010111001100100000011010010110111000100000011000110110000101110000011101000110100101110110011010010111010001111001 ``` \*\* [/ul] ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/8 "2006-02-16T03:14:48Z")
**Osama bin Laden Captured Alive.** **HR25/SR25 Passed Overwhemingly, President Promises to Sign Into Law** **SCOTUS Reviews Eminent Domain Case, Overturns Kelo v New London** ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/9 "2006-02-16T03:26:32Z")
**Diogenes** , I find it hilarious that “Local Cynic Wins Record Powerball” is third of four headlines. You can’t even let go of your cynicism fantasizing. ---
**Author:** ![Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buckler_of_Swashing)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/10 "2006-02-16T03:47:11Z")
**MIRACLE CURE! CHURCH SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM STATE IN MEDICAL FIRST: WORLD PEACE DECLARED BREAKFAST RADIO DJS WIPED OUT BY MYSTERIOUS MASKED SWASHBUCKLER: WORLD PEACE DECLARED FILM INDUSTRY TO IMPOSE ‘SEQUEL & REMAKE’ LIMITS: WORLD PEACE DECLARED** ---
**Author:** ![Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buckler_of_Swashing)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/11 "2006-02-16T03:49:18Z")
> [@alterego](#): > > [ul] > [li]\*\*[/li] > > ```auto > > 0100110001100001011100110111010000100000011100100110010101101101011000010110100101101110011010010110111001100111001000000110100001110101011011010110000101101110001000000110001001100101011010010110111001100111001000000110010001101001011001010111001100100000011010010110111000100000011000110110000101110000011101000110100101110110011010010111010001111001 > > ``` > > \*\* > [/ul] I thought that was going to be: ‘Binary declared new official universal language!’ or some such. But yours is better 😃 ---
**Author:** ![UntouchedTakeaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d78d45/32.png) [@UntouchedTakeaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UntouchedTakeaway)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/12 "2006-02-16T04:00:13Z")
> [@don't ask](#): > > I was watching a documentary on TV last week, a retrospective look at the OJ Simpson, when it occurred to me what a great news story it would be if the “real” killer of Nicole Simpson was arrested. I am pretty sure that the real killer is a black guy with the initials of a popular breakfast drink however it would be a story that would get my attention. > > What other storieswould be as compelling? And what would your headline be? “STUDY PROVES IF YOU’RE 5’10” AND A SIZE 14, YOU REALLY _AREN’T_ FAT! HONEST, MEN!" 😃 VCNJ~ ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/13 "2006-02-16T04:07:13Z")
**MAN FINDS MISSING DOG** …as in, there was nothing involving war, natural disaster, politics, et cetera, that the newsies thought would make a better headline. Failing that: **NUMBER OF LAWSUITS FILED IS DOWN** ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/14 "2006-02-16T04:35:01Z")
> [@Veuve\_ClicquotNJ](#): > > “STUDY PROVES IF YOU’RE 5’10” AND A SIZE 14… Hi! How’s it going? 🙂 :: ahem :: Headlines, headlines. Hmm… Electric battery breakthrough! [sub]greater energy density than gasoline[/sub] New solar cell inexpensive, 25% efficient **Transportation Subsidies Harmonised** New moderate parties win elections in Palestine, Iran, USA LAST HOMELESS PERSON IN REGION HOUSED Chinese solar weapon abandoned; Beijing parliament contrates on lunar, Earth-orbital developments **US Enacts National Health Care** Single-Payer Breakthrough; System To Boost US Competitiveness Beanstalk Functional [sub]space elevator passes first tests[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/15 "2006-02-16T04:43:40Z")
**Miracle car runs on Human Methane.** The collection tank is in the seats. **There is intelligent life out there and we are just their 5th grade science experiment.** ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/16 "2006-02-16T05:09:59Z")
Bill Gates admits micro$oft can’t code it’s way out of a wet paper bag, shuts down company and sends money to anyone who has been forced to endure his crappy products God tells religious believers “it was all a joke, you’ve got it all wrong” Newsflash, we’re all figments of some feverish child’s dream It turns out the Ultimate Answer _REALLY IS_ Forty-Two! al-quaeda apologizes for even existing, performs ritual suicide in atonement Televangelists admit “We’re all just greedy bastards, really” Cosmetic abuse of ecomomy cars (“ricing it out”) to be punishable by death penalty ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/17 "2006-02-16T05:50:56Z")
Scientists Discover Past Turns Out It Was Right Behind Us Cambridge, MA - Yesterday, researchers at MIT stunned the world with the announcement that a simple application of the recently discovered Grand Unified Theory allowed for the creation of a device that could look backwards into time. ## Reaction in the religious community was mixed the announcement was received with much enthusiasm by historians, genealogists, archaeologists, astronomers, cosmologists, biologists, paleontologists, geologists, archivists, linguists, documentarians, the military, the police and pornographers. Actually that’s kinda scary but there are so many things I want to know. I wonder what a world where there were no secrets would be like? ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/18 "2006-02-16T06:27:30Z")
> [@Fern Forest](#): > > Scientists Discover Past > Turns Out It Was Right Behind Us > > Cambridge, MA - Yesterday, researchers at MIT stunned the world with the announcement that a simple application of the recently discovered Grand Unified Theory allowed for the creation of a device that could look backwards into time. > > * * * > > Actually that’s kinda scary but there are so many things I want to know. I wonder what a world where there were no secrets would be like? Been reading “The Dead Past” by Isaac Asimov, have you? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/19 "2006-02-16T06:32:40Z")
> [@Fern Forest](#): > > Actually that’s kinda scary but there are so many things I want to know. I wonder what a world where there were no secrets would be like? Read the short story [The Dead Past](http://homepage.mac.com/jhjenkins/Asimov/Stories/Story046.html) by Isaac Asimov. ---
**Author:** ![cerberus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cerberus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cerberus)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735/20 "2006-02-16T08:52:12Z")
I thought that [Bat Boy](http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/chamber/61595) murdered Nicole. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oj-vindicated-real-killer-caught-newspaper-headlines-youd-love-to-see/344735.md?page=2)