# Ok, I paid my money, so start entertaining me! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 27, 2004, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662 "2004-03-27T01:55:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![splatterpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3be4f8/32.png) [@splatterpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/splatterpunk)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/21 "2004-03-27T05:02:08Z")
> [@Astroboy14](#): > > A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” 😃 > > No? > > Umm… > **Begins to hum and tap-dance fervently** A termite walks into a bar. He asks, “Is the bar tender here?” _crickets chirping_ Thankyou, thankyouverymuch. I’ll be here all week. Please tip your bartenders and waitreses. If your don’t tip, YOU SUCK! Thankyou, thankyouverymuch! ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/22 "2004-03-27T05:07:28Z")
I can’t post to this thread 'cos it’s full of jokes. I’m not _sayin’_ that it’s actually a joke thread though. I’m not sayin’ nuffink. 😃😃😃 ---
**Author:** ![Odinoneeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/97f17d/32.png) [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/23 "2004-03-27T05:08:31Z")
Watson you fool! Someone’s stolen our tent! ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/24 "2004-03-27T05:10:14Z")
By the way, wasn’t she great? How about these by her as well: Speaking of Claire Booth Luce, someone told Parker that Luce was always kind to her inferiors; Parker replied “Where does she find them?” On another occasion, she received a telegram from her editor, who was bugging her for belated work while she was on her honeymoon. Her answer: “Too fucking busy, and vice versa.” Other quotes: “The woman speaks eight languages and can’t say no in any of them.” “Brevity is the soul of lingerie.” “If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.” And a few brief poems: I wish I could drink like a lady I can take one or two at the most Three and I’m under the table Four and I’m under the host and… Razors pain you Rivers are damp Acids stain you And drugs cause cramp Guns aren’t lawful Nooses give Gas smells awful You might as well live and one with the expressiveness of **EddyTeddyFreddy** ;)… Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania. ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/25 "2004-03-27T05:13:16Z")
Uh, sorry…am I supposed to be posting one-liners? 😕 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/26 "2004-03-27T05:55:53Z")
> [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > Entertaining: Let’s set up a pool on whether this thread gets: > > 1. Moved to MPSIMS, where it belongs. > 2. Locked by **Lynn** because the hamsters don’t want to move it and it looks like a joke thread. > 3. Hijacked to Opal’s site. I’ll take #1 for $50. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/27 "2004-03-27T06:04:55Z")
> [@Q.E.D.](#): > > I’ll take #1 for $50. I’ll see your $50! And raise you… er… nevermind. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/28 "2004-03-27T06:14:41Z")
It’s late. I’m tired. [But if you’ll click here, I’ll do my best…](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=247269) ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/29 "2004-03-27T07:05:48Z")
“What’s that noise?” “It’s not her feet that’re the problem. It’s her ears.” “Well, then I couldn’t see. My glasses would fall off.” “I cain’t have mo’ 'lasses, 'cause I ain’t had no 'lasses yet.” “Geese!” “How do you know I’m not wearing one?” “No,no,no, daddy. Take off that fool tuxedo, and I’ll show you the difference between impotent and sterile.” “Come on, Chickenlegs, she ain’t gonna believe you, neither.” “One is a bunch of cunning runts…” “That’s what makes him so mean!” “Do you have a weed eater?” “…and, boy, are my arms tired.” “Rutabay-ay-ga, rutabay-ay-ga, ruta-bayyyyyyyy-ga! Call any veg’table, call it by nay-aaayme. Won’t you call one today! When you get off the train!” “And hey buddy…tell the whole wide sky, my name is Johnny. Johnny Pissoff!” If you aren’t entertained, or confused, by now, you can sniff my socks. ---
**Author:** ![Eleusis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Eleusis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eleusis)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/30 "2004-03-27T07:50:28Z")
One shucks between fits. ---
**Author:** ![Andros\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Andros\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andros_X)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/31 "2004-03-27T08:03:52Z")
Two fish are in a tank. One of them said to the other, “How the hell do you steer this thing?” ---
**Author:** ![donkeyoatey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47c2d/32.png) [@donkeyoatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/donkeyoatey)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/32 "2004-03-27T08:22:18Z")
Well, that was a trifle bazaar. ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/33 "2004-03-27T08:30:33Z")
> [@donkeyoatey](#): > > Well, that was a trifle bazaar. Think so? How 'bout this: Two hippos up to their chins in a hot, steamy, muddy swamp. One turns to the other and says “Ya know, I just can’t get it through my head that this is Thursday!” ---
**Author:** ![manx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@manx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manx)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 8:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/34 "2004-03-27T08:48:56Z")
> [@donkeyoatey](#): > > Well, that was a trifle bazaar. :D! Best. Joke. Ever! ‘Oh my god! A talking carrot!’ ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 9:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/35 "2004-03-27T09:16:04Z")
Fine. I’ll fess up. My real name is Cecil, and I have over 45,000 personalities and you are the only other member on this board. The whole money thing is a scam, to you, because I wanted to buy a bottle of Boone’s Farm Apple wine (1973), and I was running short of funds this week. Thanks for the $4.95. I’m gettin’ a buzz already. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/36 "2004-03-27T13:33:31Z")
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the long face?” Another Dorothy Parker rhyme: By the time you say you’re his Shivering and signing. And he says his love is Unlimited, undying. Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. And a story: Dorothy Parker married Alan Campbell, divorced him, and remarried him about five years later. They invited the same people to the second wedding as the first. Somone remarked “Most of the people here haven’t spoke to each other in years.” Dorothy replied “Including the bride and groom.” ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/37 "2004-03-27T13:48:14Z")
> [@splatterpunk](#): > > … Please tip your bartenders and waitreses. If your don’t tip, YOU SUCK! Hey, I already put in a $5 tip! Don’t look at me! ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/38 "2004-03-27T13:51:28Z")
One is prime, two is prime, three is opal… ---
**Author:** ![ContumeliousBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/57b2e6/32.png) [@ContumeliousBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ContumeliousBob)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/39 "2004-03-27T14:47:21Z")
Woman walked into a bar, asked the bar tender for a double entendre. So he gave her one. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662/40 "2004-03-27T14:49:24Z")
Two peanuts were walking down the road, and one of them was assaulted… peanut. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-i-paid-my-money-so-start-entertaining-me/236662.md?page=3)