# Ok men, give it to me straight - does being a single mum make a woman undateable?

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224>\
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion\
**Created:** [August 31, 2012, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224 "2012-08-31T03:26:42Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 3

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**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/41 "2012-08-31T06:03:12Z")

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> [@tomcar](#):
>
> For every single mother, is a single father Trying to buy her dinner and find love.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. 😛

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**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/42 "2012-08-31T06:05:05Z")

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53, married, to the same woman, for more of my life than I was not married … so perhaps not your target demographic for this question … but if I was suddenly single a woman being a single mom would be of no concern, let alone a deal breaker. Honestly I would probably have a harder time dealing with someone who had never been in a committed long term relationship. A single mom is less likely to be completely self-absorbed and/or clingy. She is likelier to have developed some backbone, to not be a princess, in short, to be my kind of woman.

Smart? Passionate? Some shared interests? Not going to exclusively talk your kid and mine? Interesting opinions that you are able to tolerate disagreements about? Curious about what I think too? My equal in most ways, my better in some? Find me attractive and appreciate what I do and who I am?

Then the problem would only be finding each other. I was never interested in dating cute girls; I was interested in geting involved with a beautiful woman. And if my still beautiful strong (albeit crazy-making) woman suddenly vanished (or one of our fights reached a critical mass long enough that we called it quits, for reals, it could \*still \*happen, like I said, crazy-making), that is what I would still be looking for.

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**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/43 "2012-08-31T06:07:32Z")

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> [@Ambivalid](#):
>
> What I am saying is that as a single mother (and the men) gets older, many factors come into play that make _men_ more likely to not find that single motherhood a deterrent to dating her. Factors such as maturity of the man, life advancements and plans, age(s) of the kid and other things can, over time, make him more receptive to the reality of dating a woman with children. Younger men have more superficial standards, many times; at least “right out of the box”.

I understand you completely. I agree in general.  
It’s just harder to date as you get older, children or not.

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**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/44 "2012-08-31T06:07:35Z")

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> [@Ambivalid](#):
>
> I’ll be brutally honest here; I tend to look at single mothers as much more likely to be willing to hook up for meaningless sex than other girls/women.

Ya, but does this apply when the woman is divorced and the kid belongs to her ex-husband?

> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#):
>
> I have to admit, if I had some way of arranging some super hot hook up without repercussions, I’d be all over it. I miss sex. Sex is fun. I would like to have sex. \<sigh\>

Well the best part about a sexless marriage is when you resume a sex life, especially if he’s great, and especially if the tension between you and him has been building for a while, it is simply, without parallel, the best. thing. in. the wooooorld. Is what I hear.

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**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/45 "2012-08-31T06:08:38Z")

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> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#):
>
> Do people actually lie about having kids when they’re dating someone? I mean, sure someone could fudge their weight by 20 pounds thinking g they could crash diet before the date, but a kid is somewhat harder to get rid of, ya know?

I tried online dating for a while. A guy did not lie about having his daughter but gave me every impression that this daughter was 6.

The picture was 10 years old…

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**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/46 "2012-08-31T06:18:05Z")

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> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#):
>
> Ok, so the most reasonable follow up question is would I want to date your brother? Not your actual brother, of course, but a facsimile of him - does he have dating appeal?

We’ll, I’d think so. He looks OK (as far as I can judge male looks), treats women well, is good with kids (he worked for years with mentally disabled/disturbed kids), and is steadily employed. He’s an atheist though which would be a turnoff to many.

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**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/47 "2012-08-31T06:21:06Z")

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Oh Alice, I’m sorry to hear that. You and I are both forty-ish, both have good jobs (you have more of a career then I do, however) and just like me you married a (somewhat younger) man three years ago; and you had a kid two years after I did. You know [I’ve bitched about my husband plenty on the boards](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=629274);  
Whenever I read your posts, it meant something to me that you still could make it work. And now I hear this. Now I’m worried, and excited on your behalf. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I kinow it is none of my business, but… the reason you are separated, are they anything like the ones I bitched about in my [husband](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=629274)?

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**Author:** ![phxjcc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8491ac/32.png) [@phxjcc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phxjcc)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/48 "2012-08-31T06:30:02Z")

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> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#):
>
> Well this was my thought as well.

Avoidance of reality is not the answer and the longer the avoidance the greater the anxiety will become until it is then a BIG DEAL.

“Hey kid, this is Bubba—Bubba, this is kid” Kid, we’re going to White Castle and then to Wrestlemania, Granny will be here with you until I get home, goodnite."

Is that too hard?

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**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/49 "2012-08-31T06:30:50Z")

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> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#):
>
> Humm, well that’s interesting to here - how old are you now? Also, I don’t go to clubs and haven’t for close to 15 years so that’s not really a factor.
> 
> I’m more of a ‘Lets try that awesome new restaraunt and maybe a play or opening at a gallery.’ sort of gal which perhaps attracts different men?
> 
> Of course, I know nothing.

I’m 30. I’m just saying that from age 18 to now I’ve dated different types and ages of men, including the art-gallery-opening type, and some others who weren’t my type at all were interested in me, and all were fine with me having a child. There were even two white guys who were fairly racist, and they knew my daughter is biracial. That’s one thing that makes me think a lot of people are willing to accommodate a lot more than they may claim, when it’s a real person they like and not a hypothetical. (Not that I would have ever dated the racists, of course.)

I’ve just never seen it be a problem for any single parents that I know. Not just my misguided peers, but my traditional parents and their peers too. I honestly don’t understand people claiming it’s such a barrier.

I also don’t think that your thought of not having your son meet a man until you are planning to marry him is realistic or even desirable. But you’ll work that out in your own time, it’s not like you can figure out the whole process right now.

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**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/50 "2012-08-31T06:57:56Z")

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I’ve not yet been married at 45. I never wanted kids. But I’ve dated a couple of single moms. None of the kids in question were brats, one in particular was especially cool, and I found that it wasn’t a deal breaker at all _when all the pieces weren’t jagged and sharp and causing lots of major pain in my ass and life_.

What I mean is, finding out a woman has a kid or kids might make me step back a bit, if only to find out more info: how many kids? Does she have a brood? How many fathers? What kind of people are the fathers and how involved are they in the kids (and her) life? Etc., etc. There’s a lot more dynamics at play than with a single woman, but in and of itself it’s by no means a deal breaker.

If you have your shit together, and your kid is a reasonably well-behaved cool little person, you prolly won’t have trouble dating. As someone upthread said, for many of us single men, if we ruled out women with kids, we’d cut our potential dating pool waaaaaaay down, and the truth is there’s just no reason to do that unless you have a pathological dislike of children. I don’t; I just never felt a gut-wrenching need to reproduce and raise a family.

Yes, I knew that I was going to come second to the kid, but honestly, if I knew a woman with kids who was somehow willing to elevate me above her underage offspring, I wouldn’t want to know her. Parents have a very important job, and only 18 or so years to do it: provide the world with a reasonably happy functioning adult. For the right woman & kid, I’d be happy to help out and proud of the accomplishment.

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**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/51 "2012-08-31T07:04:59Z")

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I would date a single mom. I would not want to meet the kid(s) for a bit for fear I would probably become attached to the kid and then end up stuck to a woman I wasn’t that interested in dating.

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**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/52 "2012-08-31T08:08:37Z")

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Littlebro is 36, single. Someone made a remark about not wanting to date any “second-hand women”; Littlebro’s response was “dude, first, you have gone through more hands than a rental car; second, at our age, a single woman will be either second-hand or in a hurry. I have no interest in robbing cradles and I don’t care whether a woman’s second hand so long as neither she nor the first owner are nuts.” I’m sure he knows subtler ways to put it, too, but as you can see the other guy isn’t very good at subtlety.

About meeting the kid, it would depend a lot on context. I know a teacher who recently got engaged to the father of a former student: she asked him out once the kid wasn’t her student any more.

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**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/53 "2012-08-31T08:25:47Z")

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No not undateable. It does make some men leary of dating though. For me, I always wonder about the situation with the woman’s ex, and what type of relationship they have. No matter how it is, I’d find it strange to be in the same room with her, him and myself because I’d imagine at some point it’s going to happened if he’s still involved with the kid(s).

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**Author:** ![Dereknocue67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6de8d8/32.png) [@Dereknocue67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dereknocue67)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/54 "2012-08-31T08:47:33Z")

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I had no qualms about dating a single mother but knew the relationship would never progress beyond dating.

Until, I married one.

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**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 9:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/55 "2012-08-31T09:35:10Z")

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Here’s how a particular type of man talks about single moms to other men. You’re not going to like it.

> **[Case Study – Wanted: New Daddy](https://therationalmale.com/2012/07/23/case-study-wanted-new-daddy/)**
>
> I love Post Secret. Anytime I have humanitarian doubt about hypergamy or the twinges of sentimental wishes for a kinder, gentler, fem-centrism all I have to do is read the current week’s offe…

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**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/56 "2012-08-31T10:04:30Z")

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> [@Maastricht](#):
>
> Here’s how a particular type of man talks about single moms to other men. You’re not going to like it.
> 
> [Case Study –&nbsp;Wanted: New Daddy](http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/case-study-wanted-new-daddy/)

That was so boring I couldn’t read it no matter how many times I tried, but from what I gather, he’s just another boring guy who hates women?

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**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/57 "2012-08-31T11:43:59Z")

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> [@Blackberry](#):
>
> That was so boring I couldn’t read it no matter how many times I tried, but from what I gather, he’s just another boring guy who hates women?

Maybe. But he still is telling it how he really feels it is, and he’s not being one bit politically correct about it. I don’t know how representative his way of thinking is among the kind of men **alice-in-wonderland** would think of dating, though.

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**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/58 "2012-08-31T11:55:01Z")

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Single dads, like \*\*RickJay \*\*, say, might prefer single moms. I did, when I was dating (I’m out of that pool, thankfully), and I had small kids (2 and 6 when I first separated). I dating mostly single moms, but it was tough to make a family out of two half-families, and there was always a lot of pressure that I no longer face now that my kids are grown up. No one likes knowing that they will always take second place behind their BF/GF’s young kids, but that’s the way it is. It doesn’t make for a better connection between BF and GF to know that they’re not the other’s highest priority.

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**Author:** ![amanset](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8dc957/32.png) [@amanset](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amanset)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/59 "2012-08-31T12:10:30Z")

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I’m 38. I’m normal. I was single for a couple of years between the last girlfriend and the current (ignoring a rebound in the middle there somewhere). I dated single mothers.

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**Author:** ![Krouget](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b38774/32.png) [@Krouget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krouget)\
**Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-men-give-it-to-me-straight-does-being-a-single-mum-make-a-woman-undateable/633224/60 "2012-08-31T12:36:23Z")

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I’d say dating is certainly possible, but it really varies when it comes to how serious it gets, mainly due to the kid and the ex. However, depending on how both are handled and what the intentions are, it’s certainly doable.

In my experience, though, the biggest hurdle was free-time, since the little one was always priority. Availability was constantly up in the air and it made things tricky-- not a problem if you have other things going on, but also not the best way to focus energy into someone. It requires patience, at least in this type of situation, which is interesting if you’re not positive about long-term commitment.

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