# OK Say I am a Zillionaire **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 23, 2003, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002 "2003-05-23T10:37:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![cletus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@cletus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cletus)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2003, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/41 "2003-05-24T05:55:03Z")
Don’t forget the majordomo. 🙂 > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Scrivener \* > \*\*If the grounds have gophers, you’ll need a plastic-explosives expert. 😃 \*\* You could hire **Scylla** , he’s got plenty of [experience](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15906). ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2003, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/42 "2003-05-24T06:09:47Z")
Don’t forget henchmen! You’ll need plenty of extra henchmen, because (of course) you will casually execute any that displease you. There is no need to tolerate bumbling, after all. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2003, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/43 "2003-05-25T00:31:49Z")
Marcus Licinius Crassus was the richest Roman of his time(Later Republic). He is reputed to have said that no man could call himself rich unless he could equip and field an army. He was the guy played by Sir Laurence Olivier in _Spartacus_. As hot as he looked then I would have done him if he was penniless! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2003, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/44 "2003-05-25T02:32:25Z")
I will need the following Accountants + staff\* Lawyers + staff Chief of security + personal bodyguards Public relations agent Several stockbrokers/financial advisors 2 Trusted lieutenants (one male, one female) Evil henchmen Hired goons Pilot + crew Driver “Entertainment” officer Weather machine operaator Laser repairman Butlers Groundskeepers Martial arts instructor Weapons master Geneticly enhanced mutant creature wrangler Scientists and so on - Some of these you may want to outsource as the need arises ---
**Author:** ![FisherQueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58f4c7/32.png) [@FisherQueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FisherQueen)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2003, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/45 "2003-05-25T11:50:21Z")
Well, if I were really a zillionaire, I’d probably hire a few of those people. I eat badly and am in bad shape, so I’d get a good cook and a personal trainer. I probably couldn’t resist hiring a housekeeper just to come in once a week- don’t fancy the idea of a full-time housekeeper wandering around my house, though. I wouldn’t bother with a driver. I would get a style consultant/personal shopper to help me look good. And a masseuse to come by from time to time. I guess I’d need a trustworthy accountant, if I was a zillionaire. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2003, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/46 "2003-05-25T18:34:14Z")
Don’t all _true_ zillionaires have at least _one_ cabaña boy? At least that’s one of the luxuries **I** would HAVE to have. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Dracul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/50afbb/32.png) [@Vlad\_Dracul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Dracul)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2003, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/47 "2003-05-25T21:46:56Z")
Since you’ll probably need to make occasional public appearances, decoy assassins away from you, etc., you need a squad of look-alikes. And “bodyguards” for the look-alikes… whose REAL job is to kill the look-alike if he starts to make you look bad or supplant you. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2003, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/48 "2003-05-26T06:40:00Z")
Anybody else keep thinking of the cartoon with “I am Elmer J. Fudd, Millionare. I own a Mansion and a Yacht.” “Again!” “I am Elmer J. Fudd, Millionare. I own a Mansion and a Yacht.” “Again!” ---
**Author:** ![legion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/838e76/32.png) [@legion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/legion)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2003, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/49 "2003-05-26T15:00:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by brainfizz \* > \*\*You forgot the concubines! Never forget the concubines! I forgot mine once and goodness knows where they’ve ended up! \*\* And fluffers. If you’re gonna have concubines, you gotta have fluffers! ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2003, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/50 "2003-05-27T06:38:08Z")
What about an orchestra? If I’m making any public appearances I’d like my own custom fanfare played whenever I enter and exit a room, or say something brilliant. Come on, how cool would it be to have something like the Imperial March play everywhere you went. And if some young plucky hero ever attacks my fortress of doom, we’ll need some battle music for the confrontations with my league of ninja body guards. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2003, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002/51 "2003-05-27T10:05:23Z")
Don’t forget the guy who’d let you beat him up. whenever you felt angry. You’d have to pay extra to have him go without padding, but I think the money’s worth it. The scary thing is…for the right money, you’d really find no shortage of people who’d be willing to take that job. And, if you really wanted to go “all out,” you could buy a private island, or a large stretch of land hidden deep within the Amazon, and therein release your enemies that you’ve had kidnapped, so you could hunt them like animals for sport. So, you’d need enough guards, suave international kidnappers, gunsmiths, big-game hunter coaches, hunting-camp staff, and native Levis to make that work. Plus, a Taxidermist who could be trusted to keep quiet when you bring back your “trophies.” Hell, there’s all kinds of fun you could have with the “Force others to fight to the death” angle. Like secret gladiatorial games, for instance. Or hiring ex-Soviet fighter to dogfight each other (with live ammo) in old MiGs over international waters. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-say-i-am-a-zillionaire/177002.md?page=2)