# Ok, so just exactly how big was Milton Berle's schlong? (Facts, not jokes, please!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 3, 2004, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494 "2004-06-03T20:20:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![stuyguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@stuyguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stuyguy)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/1 "2004-06-03T20:20:23Z")
In this past Sunday’s NYTimes City Section there was a cover story about the venerable Friars’ Club. (There is also a letter-to-the-editor and an FYI question by yours truly, but enough about me.) The Friars is a NYC-based organization of (mostly) comedians. They conduct those world famous celebrity roasts. In the 40s and 50s the head Friar was Milton Berle. The article mentioned that the super-sized dimensions of Uncle Miltie’s schlong was a constant source of jokes and banter. I have heard about Berle’s endowments before. In fact I think it was mentioned in a SDMB thread a year or more ago. So, applying the scientific rigor this board is famous for, exactly how big was, shall we say, the Friars’ Club’s greatest member? (Pun very much intended.) **Bonus Question:** The article also mentioned that Maurice Chavalier was the first “victim” of a Friars roast. They served him a beef tongue on a hook and apparently made many “licking” jokes that night. What was _that_ all about? Obviously something lude, but what in particular? **Eve** , my sweet, will you rescue this ignorant dolt? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/2 "2004-06-03T20:41:52Z")
According to entertainment columnist James Bacon, Uncle Miltie sported a 13 inch tallywhacker. Evidently, he and Forrest Tucker were the “best endowed” actors in Hollywood. Would somebody like to explain the “French Arts” to **stuyguy?** 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/3 "2004-06-03T20:49:43Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Evidently, he and Forrest Tucker were the “best endowed” actors in Hollywood. “Remember—only _you_ can prevent Forrest Tucker.” ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/4 "2004-06-03T20:56:57Z")
Thanks, now I have the image of Forrest Tucker using his erection to block tackles during his semi-pro football days. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/5 "2004-06-03T20:57:58Z")
Heh, if that’s true Forrest would have to do an awful lot of tucking… ---
**Author:** ![stuyguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@stuyguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stuyguy)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/6 "2004-06-03T21:00:57Z")
> [@Jeff Olsen](#): > > Thanks, now I have the image of Forrest Tucker using his erection to block tackles during his semi-pro football days. Hell, he could be half the goal post! ---
**Author:** ![Fiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e274bd/32.png) [@Fiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiver)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/7 "2004-06-03T22:31:42Z")
I don’t know what was up with the licking jokes, but they were probably more _lewd_ than lude. ---
**Author:** ![Exapno\_Mapcase](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/exapno_mapcase/32/1051_2.png) [@Exapno\_Mapcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exapno_Mapcase)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/8 "2004-06-04T00:33:08Z")
There is a book on every subject, even the [New York Friars Club Book of Roasts: The Wittiest, Most Hilarious, And, Until Now, Most Unprintable Moments from the Friars Club](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0871319608/qid=1086308697/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-2698158-2766265?v=glance&s=books) by Barry Dougherty. Chevalier was indeed the first victim, in 1949, roasted by Berle, George Jessel, Sam Levenson, Phil Silvers and an Alan King still sucking on his mother’s breast instead on a cigar. And with all this comic talent in the room, they make tongue jokes. And why? Because Chevalier was French. Ah, the Good Old Days. ---
**Author:** ![stuyguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@stuyguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stuyguy)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/9 "2004-06-04T01:22:00Z")
> [@Fiver](#): > > I don’t know what was up with the licking jokes, but they were probably more _lewd_ than lude. Awwright, awwright, I can’t spell! Boy, wait’ll you come to New York and need sightseeing tips! ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/10 "2004-06-04T01:22:04Z")
Forest Tucker? The F-Troop guy? Imagine my surprise. So who’s got the killer kielbasa these days? I’ve heard good things about Liam Neeson, but not much about anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/11 "2004-06-04T02:37:47Z")
One of the more bizarre affairs in show biz history has to be the one between [Milton Berle and evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson](http://www.ondoctrine.com/1mcphe05.htm) ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/12 "2004-06-04T02:51:30Z")
> [@Why A Duck](#): > > So who’s got the killer kielbasa these days? Well, there are a number of contenders. [James Woods, Bob Newhart, Wayne Newton](http://www.hollywoodpulse.com/archives2-11.html)😛 [Frank Sinatra and a host of others](http://www.gretagarbage.com/chapter.html) ---
**Author:** ![AveDementia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bc8723/32.png) [@AveDementia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AveDementia)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/13 "2004-06-04T03:23:45Z")
In rock music, Huey Lewis is said to be the biggest. He’s kind of a has-been now, though. Does it still count? ---
**Author:** ![syncrolecyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f08c70/32.png) [@syncrolecyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/syncrolecyne)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/14 "2004-06-04T04:40:57Z")
I’ve seen David Letterman’s name pop up on such lists on usenet, and I remember a guest or two has joked with him on the show over it before. Its always the one’s you’d least expect…Bob Newhart? ---
**Author:** ![syncrolecyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f08c70/32.png) [@syncrolecyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/syncrolecyne)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/15 "2004-06-04T04:47:34Z")
I forgot to include my cite…this list originally was on alt.celebrity.gossip on usenet years ago… [http://members.internettrash.com/cybergata/afaq.htm](http://members.internettrash.com/cybergata/afaq.htm) The largely uncorroborated “Hung Like A Horse List” has Milton Berle at ten inches. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/16 "2004-06-04T04:54:28Z")
> [@Why A Duck](#): > > So who’s got the killer kielbasa these days? I’ve heard good things about Liam Neeson, but not much about anyone else. Googling for Liam Neeson’s stats, I found this sketchy looking[pagep](http://www.gretagarbage.com/chapter.html). The list includes Ed Begley Jr.!, Bruce Jenner, Dick Cavett, David Duchovany, Lyle Lovett, Brendan Frasier, and Kiefer Sutherland (swoon) among others. > [@](#): > > Errol Flynn was so hung that he entertained Hollywood partygoers by playing “You Are My Sunshine” on the piano-using only his organ. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/17 "2004-06-04T06:25:36Z")
Bob Newhart & Dick (heh heh heh) Cavett? As Vonnegut said, you never know… ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/18 "2004-06-04T07:09:31Z")
> [@](#): > > Its always the one’s you’d least expect…Bob Newhart? You think he got hooked up with Suzanne Pleshette and Mary Frann based on his looks? ---
**Author:** ![Walloon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/fbc32d/32.png) [@Walloon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walloon)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/19 "2004-06-04T08:07:26Z")
For the curious, Liam Neeson went full frontal in [Nell](http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0110638/combined), James Woods showed all in [The Onion Field](http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0079668/combined) and [Curse of the Starving Class](http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0109514/combined). David Duchovny showed us what he’s made of in [New Year’s Day](http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0097964/combined). You can check out the evidence on James and David [here](http://www.hunkvideo.com/search/search.html). In the book _Live From New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live_, SNL writer Alan Zweibel gives an eyewitness account from when Milton Berle guest hosted: > [@](#): > > Now fast-forward a few years and I’m in Milton Berle’s dressing room at _Saturday Night Live_. He’s sitting behind a couch behind a coffee table, and he’s wearing a very short kind of bathrobe, the kind that comes down to midthigh. And somehow, I just say to him, “You know, it’s so weird that I’m here talking to you, because for years I was writing jokes about your dick.” I said, “I wrote all these jokes about your cock, and now I’m talking to you — I feel like there’s some violation of something here.” > > He says to me, “You mean you never saw it?” I said, “Uh, no, I don’t believe I did.” Then he said, “Well, would you like to?” And before I had the chance to say, “Not really,” or “Can I think about it?” or whatever, he parts his bathrobe and he just takes out this — this anaconda. He lays it on the table, and I’m looking into this thing, right? I’m looking into the head of Milton Berle’s dick. It was enormous. It was like a pepperoni. And he goes, “What do you think of the boy?” And I’m looking right at it and I go, “Oh, it’s really, really nice.” > > At which point Gilda [Radner] opens the dressing room door. It’s like an _I Love Lucy_ sketch, but this honestly happened! ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494/20 "2004-06-04T12:09:52Z")
I love this thread. > [@Walloon](#): > > For the curious, Liam Neeson went full frontal in [Nell](http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0110638/combined) All right, you got me! I clicked on it in hopes of a screen shot. You teaser you. [QUOTE=Walloon] You can check out the evidence on James and David [here](http://www.hunkvideo.com/search/search.html). I did spend, um, a bit of time here. Thanks! No Neeson or Berle though. Boo hoo. Funny Alan Zweibel story. Thanks for that too. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ok-so-just-exactly-how-big-was-milton-berles-schlong-facts-not-jokes-please/248494.md?page=2)