# Okay, so I'm going to have The Talk with my niece. What would you say to her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 19, 2011, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955 "2011-04-19T13:54:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/21 "2011-04-19T17:20:11Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > From there, segue into the emotional stuff. Sex changes relationship dynamics, both with the person you’re having it with, and all your friends and his friends. Reputations can be made or destroyed, lives changed, etc. When my son was 15 and looking likely to have his first sexual encounter, we talked about that stuff more than condom application. I couched it in terms of “practicing” relationship skills - and there are so many of them to practice even without sex being part of the equation! This! I knew about the mechanics from reading books, but I didn’t understand that physical sexual behavior (not necessarily intercourse) did things to my emotions and what I thought I felt about the boys involved. Also, I think it cannot be overemphasized that she should not do anything that makes her uncomfortable or that she feels she isn’t ready for, and that a boy who cares about her will not try to pressure her into doing anything she is uncomfortable with. Also, you are an awesome aunt. I’ve thought that for a while, reading your other posts. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/22 "2011-04-19T17:20:15Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Oh, yeah, totally plan on doing this in the car. That’s where she talks. Maybe not while _she’s_ driving, though. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/23 "2011-04-19T17:25:11Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > Also, I think it cannot be overemphasized that she should not do anything that makes her uncomfortable or that she feels she isn’t ready for, and that a boy who cares about her will not try to pressure her into doing anything she is uncomfortable with. After watching a slew of goddaughters and their female friends growing up, I’d also mention that if SHE pressures anyone into anything he’s not ready for, she’s a big ol’ jerk. It’s not only the boys doing the pressuring these days, and girls often need a Come to Mama talk about not being teases, flirts and worse. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/24 "2011-04-19T17:30:44Z")
Remind her that while “alternative” forms of sex can avoid pregnancy they can still transmit diseases. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/25 "2011-04-19T18:00:18Z")
I think that your plan is good. And better to be a cool aunt than a young grandaunt because she didn’t know any better. While some people might feel trapped in a car, I found that my daughter was much more talkative in a car about all sorts of things. We also do a lot more talking when one or another of us is on the computer or playing a video game, even today. When she comes for a visit, and gets bored reading or going out or just hanging out, she’ll fire up the PS2 and I ask if she wants company. So I take my knitting and go in the room, and she starts talking while she’s grinding. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/26 "2011-04-19T18:06:52Z")
My mom tried to give me a talk about my “shacking up” with my then-boyfriend of two and a half years, and starting asking me if we were going to get married and all sorts of junk I really didn’t want to talk about. I seriously considered jumping out of a moving vehicle. I figured if I did the tuck-and-roll, I might be able to get away with just a few scratches. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/27 "2011-04-19T18:11:26Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > I wouldn’t have been so frank and comprehensive w/ a 9-10 year-old, even if she were menstruating already. And honestly, I can’t think how I’d approach The Talk w/ a male. Probably just scar him w/ some video of babbies being born and leave it at that. Boys need to learn about sex, safe sex, relationships and emotions too. Far too many recieve absolutely no guidence in these matters because their parents aren’t worried about them getting pregnant. Then we all wonder why there is such a problem with sexual harassment and assault in schools, young boys being controlling and emotionally abusive with their girlfriends, date rape, etc. Some boys have a more intuitive understanding of how not to be an asshole, but many would really benefit from being taught how to be deal with their growing sexuality, how to display sexual attraction appropriately, and how to determine and respect another person’s boundaries and comfort zone, among many other things. In many ways I was a bit of a wild animal as a young person and I thank goodness the adults in my life really hammered home valuable lessons in how to treat other people. Left on my own god knows how I would have turned out. Very little impulse control, poor understanding of social cues… I caught up with that stuff, but later in life, and with a lot of teaching. Zsofia, maybe you could just get a few sex ed books for boys of their age and leave them at the house or something. My parents and I discussed most aspects of sex often, practically since I was a toddler (the first I remember talking about it I was 4 or 5 I believe) so I’ve always had an in-depth knowledge and never felt awkward about it. I also educated all of my friends, who had pathetically little information about anything, until well into high school (I had a conservative Christian friend in 10th grade whose parent’s hadn’t let her take sex ed, I was the one to inform her that men did not ejaculate and impregnate women from their mouths. Yes, really). I only learned about oral sex from Bill Clinton. I think I was 9. I was appropriately horrified. I also learned at the same time that my parents did not have oral sex because my mom thought it was gross, haha. I know way too much about my parent’s sex life, but I’ve been blessed to have a very healthy, happy sex life and sexuality myself, and I think them giving information so freely really helped me navigate that well. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/28 "2011-04-19T18:15:51Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > I only learned about oral sex from Bill Clinton. I think I was 9. I was appropriately horrified. My, goodness, he got around! “I did not have sex with **rhubarbarin**.” ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/29 "2011-04-19T18:25:56Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > Boys need to learn about sex, safe sex, relationships and emotions too. Far too many recieve absolutely no guidence in these matters because their parents aren’t worried about them getting pregnant. I do NOT understand how parents think this. I’m far, far and away more terrified of my son getting someone pregnant than I am about my daughter getting pregnant. I mean, I can (strongly) suggest she go on the pill and make sure she takes it every morning, or I can teach her FAM and help track her cycles. If she does get pregnant, I can counsel abortion or adoption if they seem the best options. Sure, she can not listen to me, but at least I feel like I have some influence. My boy gets his girlfriend, or worse, a one night stand, pregnant? All I can do is cry and pray. WhyNot, (Former) Single Teen Mom ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/30 "2011-04-19T18:33:12Z")
**rhubarbarin** , I absolutely agree boys need the same level of education as girls; I meant that I wouldn’t have had a frame of reference w/ a nephew I lucked into w/ my niece. We had something to jump-start the conversation, but not having any nephews I don’t know if they would have that kind of comfort level w/ their aunts. I only know that seeing women screaming in pain while babies come out of them seems to make a valuable impression on young men. A friend of ours had her 14 year-old ‘I’m such a grown man I can talk back to my parents’ son attend the birth of her last child. Afterward he was shaken and told her, “Mom, I could never put someone through that.” ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/31 "2011-04-19T18:50:52Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > I also learned at the same time that my parents did not have oral sex because my mom thought it was gross, haha. I know way too much about my parent’s sex life, but I’ve been blessed to have a very healthy, happy sex life and sexuality myself, and I think them giving information so freely really helped me navigate that well. You think you had it bad. I walked in on my mother enthusiastically performing on her boyfriend on my bed. Wish I could unburn that image from my mind. How come your parents gave you so much information given that they were conservative Christians (unless I’ve misunderstood)? What was horrifying about BJs? TruCelt, “Talk about waiting, and how it weeds out the insincere ones.” What do you think should be the mandatory waiting period? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Why\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@The\_Why\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Why_Bird)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/32 "2011-04-19T18:55:07Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Mostly I want to make it clear to her that she should come to me with any questions, that she’s welcome to text me if she’s too embarrassed to ask me, that she can ask me anything no matter how personal, and that if she is EVER somewhere she doesn’t want to be she needs to call me and I will come pick her up at any hour of the night. This bit is the most important bit. Every teen should know at least one person who they can turn to when they feel in danger or uncomfortable without fear of repercussions. I had at least three people I could have called when I was that age and I had no doubt whatsoever that they were there for me no matter what kind of trouble I got myself in to. I was lucky enough I never needed to make that call in the middle of the night. It made me feel much more secure though. I plan on hammering the same message in to my own kids/nieces and nephews when that time comes. Also the texting thing is a good idea, as is talking in the car. The fact that you’re not sitting face to face and don’t have to make eye contact makes it easier to talk freely. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/33 "2011-04-19T19:04:14Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > . . . > > TruCelt, > “Talk about waiting, and how it weeds out the insincere ones.” > What do you think should be the mandatory waiting period? I can’t answer that - I’m sure the right answer could be anywhere from six dates to six months depending upon the personalities, ages, and situation. I do know that in today’s media the normal rule of thumb is represented as _sex on the third date_ (Cite: “How I Met Your Mother” and some other show I don’t know the name of) so providing an alternative view would seem to be prudent. ---
**Author:** ![Chum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3ab097/32.png) [@Chum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chum)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/34 "2011-04-19T19:56:28Z")
I would wager that she’s already had some kind of sexual experience, and I’d avoid making any judgment at all about it. I’m totally with **rhubarbarin** : “I’m more in favor of discouraging guilt and anxiety about sex.” Yes. The world needs so much less of that. Sex isn’t the most important thing in the world, and much more important than preserving some kind of purity (which doesn’t really exist, anyway) is making smart choices. Taking away the sacredness and secrecy and shame of sex makes those smart choices possible. My little sister has been tremendously irresponsibly sexually active since she was 13 (she’s almost 21 now), and I think it all boils down to a really sad absence of self-respect. I wish young women could learn to respect and embrace their bodies and their sexuality. I wish choosing not to have sex were presented as being less about “he’ll respect you more later” and more about “you deserve _self_-respect.” I really like the idea of taking her to Planned Parenthood where she can anonymously and less awkwardly ask any questions she wants to ask. I’d have a tough time asking my aunt about sex stuff, but I know everyone has different relationships with her relatives. I also really like the idea of offering up yourself as a sober cab/escape route. A friend’s mom did that when I was in junior high, and while I never needed to take her up on it, I was grateful for the offer. If she typically talks freely in the car, I don’t see how initiating this conversation in that environment would be trapping her. Sounds like a good place for it. And I agree with **WhyNot** : listen more than you talk. If you’re telling her she can come to you to talk about _anything_, demonstrate how easy it can be for her to truly talk to you rather than be lectured by you. Thank you for doing this, Zsofia. ---
**Author:** ![Maiira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Maiira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maiira)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/35 "2011-04-19T20:27:52Z")
I’d also talk a little bit about relationships; more specifically, about what is okay, and what is NOT okay (i.e., arguments are fine, arguments that become violent are not). Planned Parenthood has a good list of red flags [here](http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/relationships/safe-your-relationship-19917.htm). Tell her to come to you if she’s in an abusive relationship and needs to bail, and that you’ll be there to listen if she needs to talk (which you appear to be doing already). Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/36 "2011-04-19T22:00:22Z")
"Three rules of sex: 1. Don’t get pregnant 2. Don’t get sick 3. Don’t get caught Once you can handle all the above, go for it!" 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/37 "2011-04-19T22:07:12Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Oh, yeah, totally plan on doing this in the car. That’s where she talks. Perfect. Less pressure for her and she’s liable to open up a lot more than if you guys were face to face. I’m the kind that clammed up with my Mom, but my stepdaughter sought out information. And by that I mean that she came home one day from 5th grade at her parochial school and asked me what a blow job was. I told her “About $10 down on South First street”. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/38 "2011-04-20T03:02:14Z")
By the way, to anybody who’s said “wow, 16, that’s a little late!” - it’s a long story, but my family hasn’t had any influence until now. Perhaps the horse has already left the barn, but I tend to think not based on my gentle eavesdropping of what she says to her friends. And anyway, better late than never. At any rate, in my opinion she is definitely not mature enough to handle the adult responsibilities of a sexual relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/39 "2011-04-20T03:03:23Z")
Oh - and to those who have said I should do something for the boys, and I said, good lord I can’t, can you suggest a good book for boys? The younger one is delayed a bit and is not ready for the heavy stuff; the older could probably use a book. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955/40 "2011-04-20T04:00:56Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Oh - and to those who have said I should do something for the boys, and I said, good lord I can’t, can you suggest a good book for boys? The younger one is delayed a bit and is not ready for the heavy stuff; the older could probably use a book. Why not grab his computer (and your niece’s if she has one) and do him the favor of subscribing to the [Midwest Teen Sex Show](http://midwestteensexshow.com/) and the [Savage Love Podcast](http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=7769528)? They’re both funny and racy, but, IMHO, still appropriate for teens (if anything, they provide some balance and reality checks to online porn and teen naiveté). In addition to just the facts, ma’am, of course. I ate up Savage’s column as a teen, as well as a few others, and not only did they educate me, they kept me from creating illusions about boyfriends and sex using half-remembered scenes from romantic comedies and novels. I was pretty skeptical about boys’ intentions (and prowess) and considered my own pleasure from day one, and this served me well later in life. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-so-im-going-to-have-the-talk-with-my-niece-what-would-you-say-to-her/578955.md?page=3)