# Okay, THAT'S IT, I'm getting the shovel (v. long, and v. strange) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 23, 2002, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221 "2002-08-23T12:24:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/1 "2002-08-23T12:24:34Z")
Some of you may remember my averse reaction to the most morbid Christmas ornament ever to grace this planet, the Disembodied Santa Head (_Of Death_). For those of you who are unfamiliar with this abomination, it is a depiction of Santa’s head, “wearing a cheery grin and jolly blue eyes” (which stare glassily ahead, while the open mouth lolls emptily). This _thing_ has a motion sensor in its hat, so whenever someone walks by, it will bellow “HO HO HO!! Meeeerrry Christmas!!” and then burst into “song”, i.e. a tinny rendition of one of 12 Christmas carols. I cannot explain why I dislike it so viciously. I only know that it is a vile thing, and I hate it deeply. My 11-year-old little brother, Tauri, on the other hand, finds the St. Nick of Satan hilarious,and also rejoices in my hatred for the ornament. Because of this, a sort of silent war has developed between my brother and I; every now and then Creepy Claus will surface in some weird place and I will be forced to throw it out of the nearest window. Tauri will then recover the head and store it for future attacks upon my sanity. Now, however, it has gone **too far**. I awoke this morning at around 9 am. The house was empty, seeing as my brothers had dispersed to their respective schools, my father had gone to work and my mother had gone down to the university. Strange, then, that I should hear a strange, persistent, tinny noise in my still-not-quite-awake ears. Listening to it, I began slowly to recognize it for what it was, and my heart sank. Pulling on my dressing gown, I hoisted myself out of bed and made my way towards the noise. It was coming from Tauri’s room. I opened the door and damn near screamed. The last time I had come face to face with the Disembodied Santa Head, the batteries were running out, turning the “HO HO HO!!” jingle into a sort of hoarse, throaty, mostly unintelligible garbling that sounded like Kris Kringle had a stroke which paralyzed half of his face, then decided to celebrate the fact by downing about 35 eggnogs. Now, however, the batteries had been _replaced_, and a ringing-tone-like rendition of “O Tannenbaum” was blasting away like nobody’s business from within the Head, which had been propped up against a table lamp. This was not, however, the worst part, as I quickly realized why Santa kept going on and on with his repertoire and would not shut up. Placed conveniently on the table, about 10 cm. from the Head, was _a motion-activated dancing Coca-Cola can_. I remember one of these from my early childhood: a Coke can wearing sunglasses, made of (rubber? plastic? something bendy, anyway,) that responded to any noise by starting to twist around until the noise stopped. Tauri has probably bought this thing from the flea market his class held last weekend (and when I find out from whom it was purchased, they _will pay_), and had kept it hidden just for this moment. The Santa Head is turned on. It starts going through its horrible “HO HO HO!” number. The Motion-Activated Dancing Coke Can (_Of Death_] responds to the sound by starting to twist and flop around like an epileptic spermatozoa. The Head reacts to the motion by continuing its song. The Can continues dancing. My 11-year-old brother has created an infernal perpetual motion machine. _Of Death_. **This means war.** I will bury both Santa and Cokey in the back yard. In an unmarked grave. Then I will have my revenge. Silly? Why would this be silly? ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/2 "2002-08-23T12:47:53Z")
[sub]…mommy… _whimper_[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![SpaceDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spacedog/32/9932_2.png) [@SpaceDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpaceDog)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/3 "2002-08-23T13:15:00Z")
Well I’m fairly sure that would freak me out but you have to respect the ingenuity and planning in the set-up. Perhaps you have a budding evil genius in the family … Start checking for hidden laboratories, underground bases and doomsday devices built into the toilet. SD ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/4 "2002-08-23T13:15:30Z")
Words fail me. That was more horrifing than anything else I have seen this week. (shudder.) > [@](#): > > infernal perpetual motion machine. \*Of Death. \* I want one. ---
**Author:** ![Profane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47774/32.png) [@Profane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Profane)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/5 "2002-08-23T14:36:01Z")
He does it to show how much he loves you 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/6 "2002-08-23T15:31:05Z")
That was the funniest thing I’ve read all morning. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/7 "2002-08-23T16:17:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by auRa \* > \*\*The last time I had come face to face with the Disembodied Santa Head, the batteries were running out, turning the “HO HO HO!!” jingle into a sort of hoarse, throaty, mostly unintelligible garbling that sounded like Kris Kringle had a stroke which paralyzed half of his face, then decided to celebrate the fact by downing about 35 eggnogs. \*\* The whole rant rocks, but this is pure gold. ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/8 "2002-08-23T16:26:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by particlewill \* > \*\*I want one. \*\* You want this one? I’m sure he won’t mind… Kid probably has something even more horrendous on the bottom shelf of his closet, just waiting for DSH(OD) to “HO” his final “HO”. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by SpaceDog_ > \*\*Well I’m fairly sure that would freak me out but you have to respect the ingenuity and planning in the set-up. Perhaps you have a budding evil genius in the family … > > Start checking for hidden laboratories, underground bases and doomsday devices built into the toilet. \*\* Yeah, right, like I’m going to do _that_. I’d probably find some sort of space/time continuum alterer under his bed and get sucked into an alternate universe or something. An alternate universe filled with Disembodied Santa Heads all singing different Christmas carols. ☹ We’re really quite a normal family, by the way. Usually. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/9 "2002-08-23T16:35:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by particlewill \* > \*\*I want one. \*\* You want this one? I’m sure he won’t mind… Kid probably has something even more horrendous on the bottom shelf of his closet, just waiting for DSH(OD) to “HO” his final “HO”. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by SpaceDog_ > \*\*Well I’m fairly sure that would freak me out but you have to respect the ingenuity and planning in the set-up. Perhaps you have a budding evil genius in the family … > > Start checking for hidden laboratories, underground bases and doomsday devices built into the toilet. \*\* Yeah, right, like I’m going to do _that_. I’d probably find some sort of space/time continuum alterer under his bed and get sucked into an alternate universe or something. An alternate universe filled with Disembodied Santa Heads all singing different Christmas carols. ☹ We’re really quite a normal family, by the way. Usually. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/10 "2002-08-23T16:38:40Z")
Ah yes… the dreaded Double Post strikes yet again. Maybe my brother is attempting to keep his dirty secrets hidden from the rest of the world by messing with my connection. Have I caught onto his devious plan? Film at 11. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/11 "2002-08-23T16:40:14Z")
Indeed. Any idea where I can get one of those? I’m envision a sort of mechanical circle-jerk with SantaHead at the center surrounded by gyrating mechanical James Brown toys… ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/12 "2002-08-23T16:42:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by auRa \* > **An alternate universe filled with Disembodied Santa Heads all singing different Christmas carols. ☹** Or Dancing Homers ™ chanting “TV is good for you”. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/soul_brother_number_two/32/3515_2.png) [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/13 "2002-08-23T17:03:52Z")
I LIKE this kid! I like the way he thinks. He’s gonna give Dr. Evil a real run for his money when he grows up. Now, if he could only use that unholy power for good… ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2002, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/14 "2002-08-25T10:00:17Z")
A tentative truce has been reached, and DSH has been restored to its position in the Christmas ornament box in the basement. My parents, however, oppose throwing it away, since they view this whole show as the most hilarious thing to go on in this family for years. So it’ll be back. Oh yes. It’ll be back. I await with a heavy heart. The Coke can, though, mysteriously stopped working. ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2002, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/15 "2002-08-25T11:18:04Z")
[http://www.capnwacky.com/holiday/cards19.html](http://www.capnwacky.com/holiday/cards19.html) Incidentally, our Weird Earl of the week includes a very accurate description of our macabre holiday friend. ---
**Author:** ![Osip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4491bb/32.png) [@Osip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Osip)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2002, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/16 "2002-08-25T12:12:17Z")
Oh dear auRa, You need to seek revenge. He will keep this torment up until he realizes there are consequences for his actions. Have you considered retaliation? maybe turning his skin blue for a few weeks? I am not one to tempt young ladies into morally questionable acts against their brother, but I can make an exception. Just let me know and I shall be more than happy to expand on this concept of payback. ---
**Author:** ![Ringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2002, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/17 "2002-08-25T13:20:43Z")
Oh **auRa** , methinks you’re up to the coming contest. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2002, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/18 "2002-08-25T14:25:23Z")
Do you have access to [these?](http://www.talkingpresents.com/productpages/fish_bass.html) You can record your own tortous songs and make the fish sing them. Get several and decorate them in any evil way you see fit. These were big here for a while. Thankfully, they have died off. ---
**Author:** ![Neidhart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Neidhart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neidhart)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2002, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/19 "2002-08-25T14:50:05Z")
I bet that Santa would look **mighty** cheery singing in the midst of a roaring fire in your fireplace 😃 (Or will it roar in pain? Only an experiment will tell . . . ) ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2002, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221/20 "2002-08-25T15:40:03Z")
Big Mouth Billy Bass… Ah, yes. I’ve seen a few pop up every now and then, in flea markets mostly (hint: the “amusing souvenir from a business trip” idea is never a good one. It’s what first got us involved with Satan Claus). I do seem to recall, however, that a local department store sells them. At least it did. And, come to think of it, I know a few other places that seem like locales where one could go to purchase a singing fish. … ah yessss… _cackle_ Now the difficult part: which song, when continuously repeated, will cause maximum strife in minimum time? “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”? “This is the song that never ends…”? Perhaps some Kate Bush? Britney Spears? Elton John? Michael Jackson’s “Earth Song”?! Ahhhaaaaa… I could have **so** much fun with this one. 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-thats-it-im-getting-the-shovel-v-long-and-v-strange/125221.md?page=2)