# okay, what constitutes being "Good in Bed" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 29, 2003, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388 "2003-05-29T23:11:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Banger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@Banger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Banger)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2003, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/41 "2003-05-31T20:49:44Z")
I’m great in bed. In fact, I’ve been known to sleep for 12 hours straight. ---
**Author:** ![Old\_Shellhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e56c9b/32.png) [@Old\_Shellhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Old_Shellhead)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2003, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/42 "2003-06-03T04:02:54Z")
Good in bed can mean things like having awesome tricks and signature moves, but it often means something else. - Pulling off using protection with style and elan – having condoms on hand, not having to break everything off for a mad rush to find one, and also not being remotely hesitant or rude about using it. - The last person I was seeing was into tantra so he was able to have dry orgasms, last a long time, etc, but more importantly, he treated me incredibly well. He made sure to have long periods where he focused entirely on me and I didn’t feel any ‘obligation’ to do the same – it completely eliminated any anxiety or worry I felt about the situation. - The more I get into a relationship, the broader my definition of ‘good in bed’ expands to his being accomodating of my kinks, being ok with role-playing, and also being able to recognize the amount of trust I put into someone’s hands when, for instance, I let them tie me up for extended periods of time. Also, to maintaining a healthy status in the other aspects of the relationship, since this heavily influences how I react to him in bed. - Not kicking me out afterward! ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2003, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/43 "2003-06-03T04:20:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Old Shellhead \* > > - Pulling off using protection with style and elan – having condoms on hand, not having to break everything off for a mad rush to find one, and also not being remotely hesitant or rude about using it. Oh ugh!! Thanks for reminding me :). I was in a long term committed relationship when the whole aids epidemic started. Then another long term relationship (almost 10 years with my son’s father) I’ve been with my bf for close to 7 years, so I haven’t used protection (I figured out what was causin’ the youngns’ 😃 and got “fixed” after my son was born in 91), since using the pill, or IUD in the 70s and 80s. When I leave, and IF I ever date again, and IF after dating I still actually want to get close enough to someone to be intimate, I have “that” to look forward to. Urk! I’m beginning to think that the poster that said he/she was good in bed, because he/she could sleep 12 hours, had the right idea!!! ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2003, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/44 "2003-06-03T05:29:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Banger \* > \*\*I’m great in bed. In fact, I’ve been known to sleep for 12 hours straight. \*\* This from a guy named “banger” ☹ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![soulburnz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@soulburnz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulburnz)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2003, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/45 "2003-06-03T05:43:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by noddygrrl \* > \*\*On oral sex: Most guys who perform it seem to think they’re doing you some great favour. Eh. Like some of the other women here, I find it boring _unless_ someone really knows what they’re doing down there. Hint: don’t be afraid to do more than lick. Would a few licks constitute a good blowjob? I somehow doubt it. \*\* Bravo ! Well said **noddygrrl**! And guys it isn’t gonna bite ya. (well I guess someone might have implants in this day and age :D) Don’t be so timid, with her permission of course. ---
**Author:** ![X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bbe5ce/32.png) [@X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/X_Slayer_ALE)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2003, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/46 "2003-06-03T06:07:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by betenoir \* > \*\*Oh, bullshit. > > I’m tired of hearing this line. Read my post in “What is Romantic?” and reconcile it with your idea of “what woman want”. Not becuaes it was about what women want, just about what I (a woman last time I checked) want. > > First of all I WANT SEX. > > Second of all, I know countless men who want sex and intimacy and rapport and wit and charm and humor. > > Well, duh!!! > > The “Golden age” of romance seems to me to involve a lot of idealized ideas about the other person (idealization of “male” and 'female")as oppoesed to any real knowegde of the other person. I like it better now. \*\* I can easily reconcile it with what you said and just so as we get this all clear, i do agree that communication has a great deal to do with romance. The thing is it takes 2 to communicate. If one is not recieving, both aint communicating. You want sex and I said all a man wants is sex. Just because you both want sex doesnt mean its the same kind of sex. I have delusions that this would bring about a lightbulb above your head but I’m realistic about my own communication skills. …or rather make that pessimistic. Your friend wants to have his kind of sex with you and you are not giving it to him. So, he tries all sorts of ways to persuade you which to his mind (and a few other people) would be in the category of romantic. You want your kind of sex and are frustrated with his “romantic shennanigans”. No rapport - no satisfaction for either of you. uhh i wont comment on the “countless men” remark. 😛 The idealized notion of love and romance is the same as with any of the romantic stories of anything. They are fantasies. They excite without any help from reality. The brain is the biggest sex organ there is and it knows how to turn itself on. as for **noddygrrl** ’s comment on what constitutes a good blowjob on a woman. Does licking and gently sucking on all the places the woman says “yes yes yes” to until orgasm qualify? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ally424](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/82dd89/32.png) [@Ally424](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ally424)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2003, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/47 "2003-06-03T23:45:17Z")
I’d say definitely both people wanting to please the other, makes for a great experience. Sense of humor is pretty important cuz if one person gets too tense then the whole experience won’t be very good. Also for me, the afterwards is just as important as the foreplay and the actual deed. If he doesn’t cuddle n kiss with me still then it just doesn’t feel complete. Oh and I have a thing for a guy who dirty talks a LOT and makes a lot of noise in general, in bed, cuz I need someone to keep up with me 😉 hehe ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/48 "2003-06-06T00:35:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by X~Slayer(ALE) \* > \*\*I can easily reconcile it with what you said and just so as we get this all clear, i do agree that communication has a great deal to do with romance. The thing is it takes 2 to communicate. If one is not recieving, both aint communicating. You want sex and I said all a man wants is sex. Just because you both want sex doesnt mean its the same kind of sex. I have delusions that this would bring about a lightbulb above your head but I’m realistic about my own communication skills. …or rather make that pessimistic. > > Your friend wants to have his kind of sex with you and you are not giving it to him. So, he tries all sorts of ways to persuade you which to his mind (and a few other people) would be in the category of romantic. You want your kind of sex and are frustrated with his “romantic shennanigans”. No rapport - no satisfaction for either of you. \*\* I’m not really sure what you’re trying to say, here, but I disagree with what you seem to be saying about romance being a means of achieving sex. That isn’t romance; that’s seduction, and there’s a difference. It may be lost on most people, today, because, as you said, we’re very much focused on the sex, itself. There’s little seduction required these days. What obstacles exist constitute more of a qualification test, than an overcoming of reluctance. But, romance is a thing unto itself. It is not a means to an end. **Tanookie** ’s bath story was a good example. Yes, her hubby, **Parallax** , wanted sex. But, the bath wasn’t a way to get it. There was no risk that **Tanookie** was going to turn him down, had she stayed awake. He didn’t need to convince her to have sex with him. That would have been seduction. This was romance, because he had a sure thing and _still_ made the extra effort to make his wife feel even more special. I agree about the different types of sex, but that’s neither romance nor, usually, seduction. That’s negotiation; it sounds “unromantic”, but it happens in all relationships and it’s really the crux of a relationship. How well the two (or more!) people negotiate, and how often and how easily they reach agreement determines how well the relationship works. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by noddygrrl \* > \*\*On oral sex: Most guys who perform it seem to think they’re doing you some great favour. Eh. Like some of the other women here, I find it boring _unless_ someone really knows what they’re doing down there. Hint: don’t be afraid to do more than lick. Would a few licks constitute a good blowjob? I somehow doubt it. \*\* Good grief! What kind of pathetic, egomaniacal dorks have you been dating? Doing _you_ a favor? :smack: I guess there _are_ guys who just don’t enjoy it, but I’ll never understand that. Bringing a woman to orgasm orally is the most fantastic experience there is, IMO. As for the OP, I’d have to agree with what several people have already said; being aware of and responsive to your partner’s mood is very important. If your giggling while your partner is desperately horny, or vice versa, it isn’t good. But, I think the key is to be more focused on your partner’s pleasure than on your own, but without getting tense and nervous about your own performance. If both people are relaxed and concentrating on pleasing each other, they’re both going to be happy. Of course, that’s assuming they’ve already agreed on what’s basically going to happen, and can easily agree on who gets to do what, when. There is more, of course; enthusiasm, which can make up for a lot, is very important and often missing from long term relationships. Being uninhibited is very desirable, as well. And, skill is nice, too, but notice where it falls on my list (and, yes, I listed things in order of descending importance). ---
**Author:** ![X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bbe5ce/32.png) [@X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/X_Slayer_ALE)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/49 "2003-06-06T01:13:20Z")
I will agree that in present day terms what I described is seduction, however in terms of the super strict morality against open sex 3 hundred years ago, romance and seduction were one and the same. The only difference is that before both romance and seduction were a means to an end which was sex or the condition with which sex was allowed (marriage). Now since there is a distinction between having a relationship and just having sex, seduction is split from romance which has evolved into an end by itself. As you say, Tanookies bath story was a great example but keep in mind that his actions would have easily facilitated sex either then or very soon afterwards. If we examine that story we find that the actions of the man were to excite the woman. Thats called making love. Intercourse is optional when making love. ---
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/50 "2003-06-06T02:30:11Z")
> [@](#): > > _originally posted by Oy Vey_ > When prostitutes pay you. So the secret to being good in bed is to become a pimp? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/51 "2003-06-06T12:38:08Z")
Gee I never expected my story to take on such a debate! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/52 "2003-06-06T13:42:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by X~Slayer(ALE) \* > \*\*I will agree that in present day terms what I described is seduction, however in terms of the super strict morality against open sex 3 hundred years ago, romance and seduction were one and the same. The only difference is that before both romance and seduction were a means to an end which was sex or the condition with which sex was allowed (marriage). \*\* Nah. You’re still ignoring (missing?) the difference in _intent_. The intent of romance is to make the other person feel special, not to get them in bed. If making them feel special happens to lead to sex, well, it’s bonus time. But, romance after marriage has existed since the dawn of time. It’s not a new invention. But, the ability of the average citizen to indulge in it has varied with cultural and economic changes. Three hundred years ago, the average Euro-American citizen couldn’t afford it. But, that doesn’t mean it didn’t exist among the upper classes. > [@](#): > > \*\*Now since there is a distinction between having a relationship and just having sex, seduction is split from romance which has evolved into an end by itself. As you say, Tanookies bath story was a great example but keep in mind that his actions would have easily facilitated sex either then or very soon afterwards. If we examine that story we find that the actions of the man were to excite the woman. Thats called making love. Intercourse is optional when making love. \*\* Yes, there’s definitely a difference between sex and relationships. And, I _did_ keep **Parallax’s** desire to have sex in mind. What you don’t seem to be recognizing is that he didn’t _need_ to seduce **Tanookie**. That’s the disctinction between romance and seduction. If his intent was to get laid, that would have been seduction, which can still occur within a marriage. Since he already _knew_ he was going to get laid, there was no seductive intent; therefore, it was romance. It was a sure thing, until he did something with a high risk of spoiling his chances (the bath/neckrub…about a 70% chance that’ll put a woman to sleep), for the sole purpose of making her happy. If all he wanted to do was have sex, he didn’t need to do that. And, we all know he needs no help in exciting **Tanookie** , thanks to her openness in posting. ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/53 "2003-06-06T14:07:50Z")
I know you meant that in the nicest way possible Davebear… but I still went :eek: when I first read it 🙂 _needs to rethink her posting habits in relation to board image 🙂_ ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/54 "2003-06-06T14:18:41Z")
A few qualifications for being good in bed: Being not just willing, but eager to try new things. Being interested in a variety of kinkiness, especially if it overlaps my own kinks. Being committed one’s partner’s pleasure. Being knowledgable about and skillful with various techniques. Being passionate, and showing it. Having a good sense of humor, but being able to keep a straight face. (Which I can’t do to save my life) Being responsive to what works for one’s partner, without having to ask. Being able to have multiple orgasms. Being flexible is always a bonus, too. There’s one other that’s hard to describe, but that’s being able to look at one’s partner in a certain way. Maybe it has something to do with the eyes, or something, I’m not sure. It’s a very intense look that says “I’m going to f\*\*k you till you scream” or something like that. No, I can’t give the look, but I’ve had partners who could. Some off that list are applicable to being good in bed, others are for being exceptional in bed. I’ve certainly never said “She was a lousy lay, she couldn’t even touch her toes.” ---
**Author:** ![Yersinia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/6bbea6/32.png) [@Yersinia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yersinia)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/55 "2003-06-06T17:01:39Z")
X-Slayer writes, \ Obviously I can’t speak for ALL women, but I’ll tell you this much. I am a woman, and I LOVE being the recipient of oral sex. (I also like to give as much as I get, but that wasn’t the question, hee hee). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/56 "2003-06-06T17:12:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tanookie \* > \*\*I know you meant that in the nicest way possible Davebear… but I still went :eek: when I first read it 🙂 > \*\* Sorry. I _did_ mean it in the nicest possible way. Which part made you go :eek: ? And, why? > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Yersinia \* > \*\*Obviously I can’t speak for ALL women, but I’ll tell you this much. I am a woman, and I LOVE being the recipient of oral sex. > \*\* Given that your location is “in a test tube”, I would think oral sex (or any other kind, really) would be a rarity, for you. I mean, my tongue _might_ be long enough to reach the bottom of the tube, but it sure isn’t skinny enough to fit. Oh, and welcome to SDMB. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/57 "2003-06-06T21:33:50Z")
I don’t really know why Davebear… but this part “And, we all know he needs no help in exciting Tanookie, thanks to her openness in posting.” Well maybe I do … I know I’m easy and all but something about everyone else knowing I’m easy made me a little uneasy? 🙂 And sex would have been a given if he had skipped the niceties and gone right for the goodies but I’m more to him than just a sex toy 🙂 We make a conscious effort to not take eachother for granted as we know how that can kill a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2003, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/58 "2003-06-07T01:08:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tanookie \* > **I don’t really know why Davebear… but this part "And, we all know he needs no help in exciting Tanookie, thanks to her openness in posting."** Sorry. I meant it as a compliment to both of you, and to the wonderful relationship you have. And, I admire your openness. > [@](#): > > \*\*Well maybe I do … I know I’m easy and all but something about everyone else knowing I’m easy made me a little uneasy? 🙂 \*\* Well, I always thought a wife was _supposed_ to be “easy”, where her husband was concerned. Of course, that was before I got married, and learned the truth. > [@](#): > > \*\*And sex would have been a given if he had skipped the niceties and gone right for the goodies but I’m more to him than just a sex toy 🙂 We make a conscious effort to not take each other for granted as we know how that can kill a relationship. \*\* My point, exactly. That’s why it’s romance, not seduction. And, it’s great that you’re keeping the romance alive in your marriage. And, I’m going to shut up, now, and let **X~Slayer(ALE)** have his thread back. ---
**Author:** ![mipiace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb9ed0/32.png) [@mipiace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mipiace)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2003, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/59 "2003-06-07T02:43:24Z")
I think being good in bed is just taking the time to get to know your partner, their likes, what turns them on, pay attention to what feels good to them what incites their passion. It may be romance, it may be oral, it may be whips and chains, it may vary from night to night. Maybe being good in bed is just ebing willing to experiment and having a desire to pleasure your mate. I am so in love with my boyfriend. Nothing gets me off more than getting him off in any way that pleases him. I assume that he thinks that is good. I sure hope so. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2003, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388/60 "2003-06-19T04:40:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by betenoir \* > \*\* > First of all I WANT SEX. > \*\* Words fail me. Waitaminit, no they don’t. YAY!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okay-what-constitutes-being-good-in-bed/178388.md?page=2)