# OKcupid: So we both "liked" each other, am I the one that is supposed to break the ice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 14, 2015, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003 "2015-03-14T19:01:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/1 "2015-03-14T19:01:13Z")
So after years of procrastination, I figured I’d give this Online Dating thing a try. Since I’m a cheap bastard, I went with OKcupid. I’ve had a few ladies “like” me and I even “liked” a few back but they never left any messages. So are they expecting me to break the ice since I’m the man? (Traditional gender rules and all that.) I mean, I’m not going to, I’m just curious if that’s what they’re expecting. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/2 "2015-03-14T19:06:27Z")
Yes. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/3 "2015-03-14T19:08:25Z")
Yes, though a few will be forward enough to break it first. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/4 "2015-03-14T19:27:08Z")
Most women on OKCupid (or any other dating site) are getting plenty of messages from men already. Many of these messages are from complete morons and/or disgusting perverts, so just going through and dealing with deleting and blocking can take up a fair amount of time. If you are waiting for a woman on a dating site to say “Gosh, my inbox has been awfully empty lately. I’d better initiate something if I want to get some messages from men!” then you may be waiting a very long time. ETA: Here’s a Jezebel piece titled “[Man Poses as Woman on Online Dating Site; Barely Lasts Two Hours](http://jezebel.com/man-poses-as-woman-on-online-dating-site-barely-lasts-1500707724)” about a guy who set up a female profile on OKCupid to see what it was like. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/5 "2015-03-14T19:46:58Z")
You aren’t sounding awfully into the dating thing. Do you want to date or not? If so, you’d better be proactive about it, no matter which gender you are. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/6 "2015-03-14T19:56:23Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Most women on OKCupid (or any other dating site) are getting plenty of messages from men already. Many of these messages are from complete morons and/or disgusting perverts, so just going through and dealing with deleting and blocking can take up a fair amount of time. > [snip] > > ETA: Here’s a Jezebel piece titled “[Man Poses as Woman on Online Dating Site; Barely Lasts Two Hours](http://jezebel.com/man-poses-as-woman-on-online-dating-site-barely-lasts-1500707724)” about a guy who set up a female profile on OKCupid to see what it was like. Holy shit! I’ve commiserated with women I’ve dated and been told similar but criminy! ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/7 "2015-03-14T20:10:29Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I figured I’d give this Online Dating thing a try. > > \<_snip_\> > > So are they expecting me to break the ice since I’m the man? (Traditional gender rules and all that.)\*\* I mean, I’m not going to\*\*, I’m just curious if that’s what they’re expecting. (my bold) Your online dating experience will be empty and disappointing then. In fact, if this is going to be your M.O., I’d recommend deleting your account. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/8 "2015-03-14T20:12:12Z")
> [@Sattua](#): > > You aren’t sounding awfully into the dating thing. Do you want to date or not? If so, you’d better be proactive about it, no matter which gender you are. This. If you are happy with the situation as it is, keep doing what you are doing. If you want some other outcome, you will have to do something different. It’s not really about gender roles, it’s more about online dating being a giant numbers game, and the numbers aren’t going to be in your favor if your whole plan is to sit around and do nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/9 "2015-03-14T20:39:08Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > This. If you are happy with the situation as it is, keep doing what you are doing. If you want some other outcome, you will have to do something different. It’s not really about gender roles, it’s more about online dating being a giant numbers game, and the numbers aren’t going to be in your favor if your whole plan is to sit around and do nothing. Well, I do initiate things. When I see a woman I like, I’ll send her a message. But if someone “likes” me first, I don’t understand why they wouldn’t send a message. I read **Lamia** s link, and wow, that’s all kinds of fucked up. But what I’m still not getting is, why does me breaking the ice make it any easier for them in that regard? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/10 "2015-03-14T20:48:26Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Well, I do initiate things. When I see a woman I like, I’ll send her a message. But if someone “likes” me first, I don’t understand why they wouldn’t send a message. > > I read **Lamia** s link, and wow, that’s all kinds of fucked up. But what I’m still not getting is, why does me breaking the ice make it any easier for them in that regard? But…they broke the ice. They made the first move. Now you have to decide if you want to esculate it (write a message) or not. They put it out there that they think it could be a match, you get to say if you concur. It’s not that different than a message, just a bit more low-effort. I generally did it for guys I wanted to get back to, or that I was on the fence about. ---
**Author:** ![DataX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@DataX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DataX)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/11 "2015-03-14T22:18:11Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Well, I do initiate things. When I see a woman I like, I’ll send her a message. But if someone “likes” me first, I don’t understand why they wouldn’t send a message. > I read **Lamia** s link, and wow, that’s all kinds of fucked up. But what I’m still not getting is, why does me breaking the ice make it any easier for them in that regard? They are women and don’t have to. Do you realize how lucky you are to have a woman you find acceptable to be “liking” you in the first place? That IS their move. Take the hint and drop them a line. Plenty of women never experience rejection - EVER. They get hit on enough that they can just wait to find a guy that interests them. In fact if they are reasonably attractive they can have more opportunities for dates with guys than they could possibly schedule. Why risk rejection when you don’t have to? Things aren’t even in the online dating world. How many women’s profiles have your seen where you thought “I absolutely have to meet this woman - my life will be incomplete unless I give it my all.”? I’m guessing the answer is zero - same with women - why waste the energy when you don’t have to and have the pick of the litter? If she “likes” you - and isn’t playing games - she most likely would go on a date with you. You don’t have to have a 500 word essay planned - just a couple of sentences that show you aren’t a weirdo and actually read her profile. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/12 "2015-03-14T22:35:02Z")
Women almost never send the first message; they are too prideful. Here’s how to play it: Send a friendly message. If she ignores it, send a second friendly message a few days later. If she ignores that, you’re done. \*\*By friendly message, I don’t mean some pussy boring shit like “Hey you’re pretty and I’d like to hang out sometime.” You gotta stand out and make a connection. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/13 "2015-03-14T22:56:48Z")
On a tangential note: one thing I can’t figure out is OKCupid’s “filtering” system. Or rather one specific option for their filtering system. Namely, the “attractiveness filter”. You can set your profile to only accept messages from people who are at least of “average” attractiveness. How is this determined? Is there an attractiveness algorithm that OKC uses on all it’s members? Does anyone have a better understanding of this? How would a person have any idea that some random stranger on a dating site that they had never seen before was or wasn’t attractive? Does the website itself determine this man’s attractiveness? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/14 "2015-03-14T22:58:45Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Women almost never send the first message; they are too prideful. > > Here’s how to play it: > > Send a friendly message. > > If she ignores it \<_snip_\> Move on. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/15 "2015-03-14T23:10:01Z")
FTR: Since starting this thread, I went ahead and sent a message to those who liked me and I liked back (Heh, I feel like such a grade school-er typing that.). It was only two ladies. One of whom I’d really enjoy getting a response from. So here’s to keeping my fingers crossed. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/16 "2015-03-14T23:14:30Z")
Make sure to check Adams Apple before things get serious. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/17 "2015-03-14T23:19:32Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Women almost never send the first message; they are too prideful. Sometimes women can be afraid that sending the first message is too forward, and they’ll be considered slutty, desperate or aggressive. There’s a subset of men who do react that way. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/18 "2015-03-15T00:37:06Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I read **Lamia** s link, and wow, that’s all kinds of fucked up. But what I’m still not getting is, why does me breaking the ice make it any easier for them in that regard? It doesn’t. I wasn’t giving you advice on how to help women in that regard. I was explaining why most women are unlikely to ever send a first message to you. ---
**Author:** ![Lemmytheseal2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/82dd89/32.png) [@Lemmytheseal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemmytheseal2)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/19 "2015-03-15T01:54:03Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Women almost never send the first message; they are too prideful. > > Here’s how to play it: > > Send a friendly message. > > If she ignores it, send a second friendly message a few days later. > > If she ignores that, you’re done. > > \*\*By friendly message, I don’t mean some pussy boring shit like “Hey you’re pretty and I’d like to hang out sometime.” You gotta stand out and make a connection. I do that, again and again and again, and nothing happens… > [@Eliahna](#): > > Sometimes women can be afraid that sending the first message is too forward, and they’ll be considered slutty, desperate or aggressive. There’s a subset of men who do react that way. Damn, I would love that! I noticed this thread because, recently, I upgraded my membership so I can see everyone who’s actually indicated that they “like” me. I can’t figure out why they do this when we’ve got obvious deal-breakers. It’s been disappointing so far. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/20 "2015-03-15T03:24:44Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I read **Lamia** s link, and wow, that’s all kinds of fucked up. But what I’m still not getting is, why does me breaking the ice make it any easier for them in that regard? > [@Lamia](#): > > It doesn’t. I wasn’t giving you advice on how to help women in that regard. I was explaining why most women are unlikely to ever send a first message to you. See, it seems to me that the lesson to be learned would be the reverse. If women are getting inundated with obnoxious messages from pushy guys, the solution isn’t to sit back and wait for more messages. They should be more proactive, contact guys whose profiles are suitable and block (or ignore) the ones who contact them first. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003.md?page=2)