# OKcupid: So we both "liked" each other, am I the one that is supposed to break the ice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 14, 2015, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003 "2015-03-14T19:01:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/21 "2015-03-15T03:36:36Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > Sometimes women can be afraid that sending the first message is too forward, and they’ll be considered slutty,\*\* desperate \*\*or aggressive. There’s a subset of men who do react that way. “Desperate” is about it. Men aren’t turned off my slutty women on dating sites, for the most parts. And “aggressive” sort of blurs in with “desperate”. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/22 "2015-03-15T03:37:15Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Move on. Nope. Women get inundated with messages and often don’t respond to the first. Sending a second shows you’re serious, and will often get a response. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/23 "2015-03-15T03:43:00Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Nope. Women get inundated with messages and often don’t respond to the first. Sending a second shows you’re serious, and will often get a response. Yep. While it’s true that women get inundated with messages, if they read the message and don’t respond, sending a second message is an act of futility. The best you can do is wait, and if she responds, she will do so on her own timeframe. But someone pestering her because she hasn’t responded to the first message is not a winning strategy. How many times have I read on a girls profile, “Please don’t continue to message me if I have yet responded to you, I have lots of things going on and I just haven’t got to you yet” or some close variation. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/24 "2015-03-15T03:47:45Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > See, it seems to me that the lesson to be learned would be the reverse. If women are getting inundated with obnoxious messages from pushy guys, the solution isn’t to sit back and wait for more messages. They should be more proactive, contact guys whose profiles are suitable and block (or ignore) the ones who contact them first. I’m sure plenty of women do just that, but they apparently weren’t sending messages to **Shakes** or we wouldn’t be having this thread. ---
**Author:** ![DataX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@DataX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DataX)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/25 "2015-03-15T03:56:34Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > On a tangential note: one thing I can’t figure out is OKCupid’s “filtering” system. Or rather one specific option for their filtering system. Namely, the “attractiveness filter”. You can set your profile to only accept messages from people who are at least of “average” attractiveness. How is this determined? Is there an attractiveness algorithm that OKC uses on all it’s members? Does anyone have a better understanding of this? How would a person have any idea that some random stranger on a dating site that they had never seen before was or wasn’t attractive? Does the website itself determine this man’s attractiveness? 😕 They do it using what people rate them as. Keep in mind the site was started by mathematicians - so they usually make sure they have enough data and stuff to make conclusions. They have some pretty fascinating research on their blog (which hasn’t been updated in eons, but the old stuff is still interesting) - and some of it makes use of this attractiveness rating factor ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/26 "2015-03-15T04:35:44Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > “Desperate” is about it. Men aren’t turned off my slutty women on dating sites, for the most parts. And “aggressive” sort of blurs in with “desperate”. Slutty might be fine if you’re looking to hook up, but less productive if you’re looking for a potential relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/27 "2015-03-15T05:07:57Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > Slutty might be fine if you’re looking to hook up, but less productive if you’re looking for a potential relationship. True, but there’s _never_ a shortage of guys lookng for a slutty hookup. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/28 "2015-03-15T10:21:17Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > True, but there’s _never_ a shortage of guys lookng for a slutty hookup. Hallelujah! ---
**Author:** ![Steken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Steken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steken)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/29 "2015-03-15T10:38:19Z")
Yes, you’re supposed to write the first message. So if you want to meet her, write her. Simple as that. ETA: I agree with those who say that if she ignores your first message, you should forget her and move on. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/30 "2015-03-15T14:11:24Z")
Disagree loudly with almost everything above. OKCupid is probably the best dating site if you wish to let others post the first message. I’m not suggesting you commit to policy of never sending the first message, but don’t feel obligated, like “if I don’t it aint’ gonna happen at all, because I’ve got the boy parts”. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2015, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/31 "2015-03-16T05:33:35Z")
**Update:** After following you guys’ advice and messaging those women that “liked” me, I just got a response from the woman I was really hoping to hear from the most. Now I feel giddy like a little school girl. PS. I’m a dork. Thanks guys. ---
**Author:** ![Steken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Steken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steken)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2015, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003/32 "2015-03-16T07:39:31Z")
Awesome man, congrats! … Now ask her out! 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-so-we-both-liked-each-other-am-i-the-one-that-is-supposed-to-break-the-ice/715003.md?page=1)