# Okcupid: What to do when nobody is messaging you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 11, 2005, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258 "2005-01-11T19:27:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/81 "2005-01-13T17:26:48Z")
I don’t think your name’s the problem. People probably assume you’re named after the band. But since you said > [@Incubus](#): > > Over the past week on okcupid I have sent messages to 22 women in my vicinity. I gotta wonder how many of those were high-quality emails that you spent some time on. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/82 "2005-01-13T18:53:04Z")
> [@ultrafilter](#): > > I gotta wonder how many of those were high-quality emails that you spent some time on. All of them were. I typed them on Word to quickly find obvious spelling errors, then proofread them before copy/pasting them (because I know that Microsoft World overlooks a lot of mistakes) in the message field. I would also read the message out loud to myself to hear how it sounded. The messages I sent were always relevant to the woman’s profile, I would usually mention things I found interesting about their profile. Under the **Meesage me if…** , some women put trivia questions like, “You know you know what film \ wore a fez.” so in my message I would be sure to mention the answer (And no I didn’t cheat and look it up on Google/IMDB either so pbbbbt! 😛 ). I’d try to find some common ground about interests; if they said "I like movies by \ I would ask, “What is your your favorite \ film? Mine is \.”. I asked a bit about them, and talked a bit about myself, making sure not to spend the whole letter talking about myself but also trying not to omit ANYTHING about me. So the women reading my messages can see that I certainly _did_ put effort into the message, showed curiosity about their interests, offered up suggestions on things they might find interesting, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/83 "2005-01-13T18:54:37Z")
Ugh misspelled ‘message’ :smack: That’s what I get for trying to type at 80 WPM. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/84 "2005-01-13T19:21:21Z")
> [@ava](#): > > [My profile.](http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=3499927568037733526) > > I’ve messaged a lot of people and not gotten back any replies. Some people make a profile and wonder away, so don’t sweat it. > > If you want people to respond to you, don’t send woos. A nicely worded email will do wonders over woos. > > Is the site now uber slow for anyone else, or is it just me? Are you _sure_ you mentioned “sex” enough? I’m certain I saw some words there _other_ than “sex”. Must have got in there by mistake. 😃 Seriously though, your profile leaves only one real topic of conversation: sexuality. I imagine that if I was to message you, that’s what we would talk about - perhaps wonderment and awe at the vast range of human sexual behaviour. However, a lot of people may not be comfortable discussing sex right off the bat with a complete stranger; so it may be wise to put in some more detail about other real interests and topics. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/85 "2005-01-13T19:29:07Z")
[QUOTE=Malthus] Are you _sure_ you mentioned “sex” enough? I’m certain I saw some words there _other_ than “sex”. Must have got in there by mistake. 😃 \ [QUOTE] This was pretty much my take on it, too. I’m also confused; you like to study and talk about sex, you’re bi-sexual, but you don’t actually _have_ sex? ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/86 "2005-01-13T20:02:49Z")
[QUOTE=petelin] **ava** , I like you’re profile. You have several pictures, which is always a good idea, and I think the message your profile sends is that you’re open, funny and smart…it certainly doens’t hurt that your very cute as well. If you were about 1200 miles east, I’d email you. [\quote] I’ll echo that. Though maybe another 1000 miles east. 😛 > [@](#): > > But in addition, you bring up an excellent point about OKCupid…about how some people make a profile and wander away. It’s a free site, so I’m sure there are a lot of people who do just that. I always check their last log-in date. If they haven’t logged in for a week or two, they might have given up. Plus OK Cupid doesn’t send you a notice that you have mail in your in-box. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/87 "2005-01-13T20:10:06Z")
> [@kidchameleon](#): > > Plus OK Cupid doesn’t send you a notice that you have mail in your in-box. I could’ve sworn that I did get a notice once a couple months ago. I’ll check when I get home. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/88 "2005-01-13T20:27:43Z")
> [@ultrafilter](#): > > I could’ve sworn that I did get a notice once a couple months ago. I’ll check when I get home. They’ll send a message out every so often saying you have X unread letters in your box, but it’s not a regular thing. Or maybe you have to click something to get regular updates. I think the whole “free” thing is the reason I’m doing better on SpringStreet. Since you actually have to waste a credit to write, you tend to get people who really want to meet as opposed to just emailing. And I do like SpringStreet’s system of buying credits which are good forever as opposed to a limited time membership. (BTW, I did modify my profile slightly based on some comments above.) **Ava** , same comments as the others. If I were looking for a serious relationship, I think I’d be afraid that you were only interested in sex. But I’m surprised you’re not getting more responses from guys who just want to flirt since you’re really cute. OK, I’ll use this message for updates, insanely out-of-my-league guy actually emailed back! (although, it’s just a casual exchange, I don’t think the interest is there) And I may actually have a couple of dates this weekend or next week (getting times hammered out) and one fo the guys is British! (squee!) Now I just have to stress that I look more attractive in photos than I do in real life and they’ll be disappointed to meet me… ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/89 "2005-01-14T00:38:06Z")
Thanks for the responses. Yeah, I realized that I was talking about one subject and disregarding the rest. I was trying to avoid talking about the same things that everyone talks about and I got a lot of very interesting responses from people, but I don’t want to scare people off either. 😛 As for hooks, I have no idea what to write. I am seriously very clueless about this type of thing. I don’t want to have a set list of ‘I like reading, eating, reading scientific american, dancing…’ [Next try.](http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=3499927568037733526) Anyone have an awesome profile I can read to get ideas? ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/90 "2005-01-14T00:45:03Z")
> [@ava](#): > > [Next try.](http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=3499927568037733526) Much better. It probably wouldn’t hurt to say a few words about what sort of music you like, but that’s non-essential. > [@ava](#): > > Anyone have an awesome profile I can read to get ideas? I posted mine back on page 1 and it seemed to go over well. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/91 "2005-01-14T03:34:03Z")
Oh what the hell. Why not let the SDMB wolves give it a review. [Linky.](http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=15197934736899229026) ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/92 "2005-01-14T04:02:09Z")
I swear, if this thread goes on much longer, I’m gonna seriously consider buying a stamp. > [@danceswithcats](#): > > Oh what the hell. Why not let the SDMB wolves give it a review. > > [Linky.](http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=15197934736899229026) Write more, write about your interests. Play up the fact that you’re a firefighter–that’s got to be a good selling point. Incidentally, I have a little trouble finding people who aren’t too young on OKCupid. Is it working out for you? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/93 "2005-01-14T05:09:05Z")
**danceswithcats** , great profile. I could totally see myself hanging out with you. I love your username, by the way. I always get a mind picture of Kevin Costner dancing with cats, instead of wolves. Minor bit - you misspelled “omnivorous.” Your response to the Friday night question made me laugh out loud. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/94 "2005-01-14T05:40:22Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > **danceswithcats** , great profile. I could totally see myself hanging out with you. I love your username, by the way. I always get a mind picture of Kevin Costner dancing with cats, instead of wolves. Minor bit - you misspelled “omnivorous.” Your response to the Friday night question made me laugh out loud. I missed the “friday night” answer first time around; I went back and read it - made me laugh. 😃 Just looking over this site, it seems that everyone there is pretty young. Is that the case generally? ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/95 "2005-01-14T17:23:14Z")
> [@kidchameleon](#): > > Plus OK Cupid doesn’t send you a notice that you have mail in your in-box. > [@ultrafilter](#): > > I could’ve sworn that I did get a notice once a couple months ago. I’ll check when I get home. > [@tremorviolet](#): > > Or maybe you have to click something to get regular updates. If you click on _My Profile, Photos, & Settings_ \> _Edit Settings_, near the bottom of the page are options for how often you want OK Cupid to e-mail you. One option – the one I have selected – is “Whenever: Notification if you have new mail, if you haven’t logged in in 24 hours.” It works; I’ve gotten that notification a handful of times already. It seems that people tend to write to me when I haven’t logged in for a day or two. 😉 > [@ava](#): > > Next try. I liked your profile even the first time, but my main “problem” with it remains the comments you’ve made for other members. You sound intelligent and mature in your profile, but then your comments make you sound like a high-school kid (and not a bright one, at that). They’re crass, not very meaningful, and the “SEXIEST THING EVAR!!!1” line just makes me shudder. Then again, I am neither 23 nor interested in women, so take my opinion for whatever it’s worth. 😉 > [@danceswithcats](#): > > Oh what the hell. Why not let the SDMB wolves give it a review. I agree with the other comments about your profile; it’s not bad, just could use a little more. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/96 "2005-01-14T17:27:31Z")
Darn, forgot to reply to this: > [@Malthus](#): > > Just looking over this site, it seems that everyone there is pretty young. Is that the case generally? Yes; the site seems to be mostly 20-somethings. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/97 "2005-01-14T17:33:44Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Yes; the site seems to be mostly 20-somethings. It’s not just that it’s 20-somethings, but it’s folks in there early 20s. I’m mostly looking for women over 25, but if I put that in, I get 10-15 matches (as opposed to 50-60 if I leave the age blank). ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/98 "2005-01-14T19:18:58Z")
I’ve been continuing to update my profile. I also answered a ton of their questions, I’m up to 830 questions answered, yet on my profile it still only gives 3 traits I have compared to other males my age- more moral, more loving, and more organized 😃 Though I would like to see more of these, not just three of them. I thought that spending 30 minutes answering questions would cough up more info, but it didn’t :mad: This weekend, I’m going to get my friend to take about 10 pictures of me on his digital camera, and probably submit my 2-3 favorite ones on okcupid. Some responses have trickled in, which is exciting. We’ll see how things go. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/99 "2005-01-14T19:24:47Z")
> [@ultrafilter](#): > > It’s not just that it’s 20-somethings, but it’s folks in there early 20s. You know, I almost added “and early 20-somethings, at that” to my previous post, but didn’t feel that I had enough anecdotal evidence to warrant being that specific. Glad to know it’s not just my impression. 🙂 Sounds like a good plan, **Incubus**! Don’t worry about the number of traits: sometimes it takes the site a while to process the input, and some people get a longer list than others. Personally, for the longest time I’d answered 900 questions and had 4 traits; it wasn’t until I answered another 100+ questions that a 5th trait showed up. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Taran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Taran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taran)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258/100 "2005-01-14T19:34:21Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I liked your profile even the first time, but my main “problem” with it remains the comments you’ve made for other members. You sound intelligent and mature in your profile, but then your comments make you sound like a high-school kid (and not a bright one, at that). They’re crass, not very meaningful, and the “SEXIEST THING EVAR!!!1” line just makes me shudder. > > Then again, I am neither 23 nor interested in women, so take my opinion for whatever it’s worth. 😉 I’m a little young for **ava** , but I _am_ interested in women and I completely agree with this. **ava** , my thoughts when reading through your profile went something like: “Intelligent, articulate, if she didn’t live in Irvine friggin’ California I’d be signing up for OK Cupid right this min…wait, what?” It was jarring, laid against the rest of your profile. If I knew you better, I’d probably be able to appreciate them as jokes, but I don’t and can’t. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/okcupid-what-to-do-when-nobody-is-messaging-you/284258.md?page=6)