# Old Jokes That Still Crack You Up **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 5, 2011, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646 "2011-08-05T22:21:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![TheSagan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@TheSagan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheSagan)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2011, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/181 "2011-08-13T21:27:52Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Why sure, I’d be glad to. 🙂 > > An old lady gets on a city bus. She’s carrying a little dog. She sits in a seat next to a window. A guy gets on the bus, and he’s smoking a cigar. He sits down next to the old lady. The smoke from his cigar is going past her face and out the window. > > Lady: “Young man, would you please put out your cigar?” > > Man: “No.” > > Lady: “Young man, please put out your cigar.” > > Man: “No.” > > Lady: “Young man, if you don’t put out your cigar, I’m going to throw it out the window.” > > Man: “If you throw my cigar out the window, I’m going to throw your dog out the window.” > > So the old lady grabs his cigar and throws it out the window. He grabs her dog and throws it out the window. > > A few stops later, she gets off the bus. Her dow comes running up to her. Guess what he had in his mouth? > > The brick. imo, he threw the wrong bitch out the window. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2011, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/182 "2011-08-13T21:51:30Z")
“Hey! Baldy, with the cigar in your mouth- get your head back in the window!” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2011, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/183 "2011-08-13T21:57:50Z")
A little boy is walking with his dad when he sees two of the neighborhood dogs humping. He asks his Dad “What are those dogs doing?” “Well Billy, that’s how they make puppies. The mommy dog stands there, the daddy dog comes up from behind and climbs on top, and a few week later she’ll have puppies.” Later that week Billy wakes up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream. He decides to get in bed with his parents. He walks into their room and his dad and mom are having sex. “Mommy, Daddy, what are you doing?” “Well Billy… you’re old enough to know… your mommy and I are making you a baby brother.” # Billy thinks about it and says “Turn her over. I’d rather have a puppy.” What do you get when you stick a knife in a hitchhiker? [spoiler]An erection. Alternates for hitchhiker include cheerleader and baby. Choose to taste.[/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/184 "2011-08-13T22:00:24Z")
Three old men are sitting in a nursing home. First old man: Know what I miss about being young? Being able to take a first rate piss. Second old man: I still have me a good piss every so often. Know what I miss? Being able to take a really good shit. Third old man: I still have a good piss every morning, about eight o’clock. Still have a good shit most mornings, about ten o’clock. Know what I miss about being young? Waking up before noon. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2011, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/185 "2011-08-13T23:33:49Z")
Why does Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand? She sings with the other! ~VOW (PS When you have a non-PC joke that you simply MUST tell, but you want to avoid conflict, replace Polish, Mexican, Blonde, etc etc etc with “Ethnic.”) ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2011, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/186 "2011-08-13T23:35:09Z")
What’s a zombie’s favorite type of weather? Brainstorms. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2011, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/187 "2011-08-14T00:26:03Z")
Why was Bert doing the pigeon? Because Ernie said,“Not tonight hon, I have a headache.” ---
**Author:** ![JohnGalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johngalt/32/184_2.png) [@JohnGalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnGalt)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2011, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/188 "2011-08-14T01:06:48Z")
What’s small and blue and screams when it has sex? The Cub Scout in the trunk of my car. * * * A Boy Scout and his Scoutmaster were walking along the trail deep into the woods as the sun was setting. The Boy Scout says, “I’m getting kind of scared walking this trail.” The Scoutmaster says, “You’re scared? Not as scared as I’m going to be when I walk back by myself.” ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2011, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/189 "2011-08-14T07:40:38Z")
What’s green and red and goes 100 miles an hour? frog in a blender ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/190 "2011-08-14T23:43:17Z")
What do you have if you have one big green ball in each hand? A death grip on the Jolly Green Giant. What do you have if you have a tiny green ball in each hand? Kermit the Frog’s undivided attention. ---
**Author:** ![Wargamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Wargamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wargamer)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2011, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/191 "2011-08-15T00:46:56Z")
God is Love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. QED Stevie Wonder is God! ---
**Author:** ![NBYodo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a9a28c/32.png) [@NBYodo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NBYodo)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2011, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/192 "2011-08-15T13:03:38Z")
> [@Ronald\_C.Semone](#): > > 1. What do you mean “we”, white man? > > 2. And her ass fell off. > > 3. Cut the shit! Did you ever see so many fucking indians? Could you tell the joke for 2 & 3? 1 is one of my most favoritest, but it’s not as funny when you have to explain it to people who don’t know who Tonto is. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/193 "2011-08-16T02:21:15Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > “Hey! Baldy, with the cigar in your mouth- get your head back in the window!” Outstanding! It’s 1963 and I’m in seventh grade again. I still like this one from at least 30 years ago: \*“But tell me, Two-Dogs-Fucking, why do you ask?” \* ---
**Author:** ![MacCat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maccat/32/216_2.png) [@MacCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacCat)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/194 "2011-08-16T03:27:00Z")
“Sheep liar”… ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/195 "2011-08-16T03:27:34Z")
Three slightly deaf old ladies are on a bus. The first asks the others, “Is this Wembley?” The second says, “No, this is Thursday.” The third says, “So am I! Let’s get off the bus and have a drink!” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/196 "2011-08-16T06:05:05Z")
One my friend’s son told when he was about 6 that I thought was hysterical and still do: “What’s green and round and smells like cat shit?” Answer Green round catshit Though I think he said doodoo. ---
**Author:** ![KinkiNipponTourist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e9bcb4/32.png) [@KinkiNipponTourist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KinkiNipponTourist)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/197 "2011-08-16T12:35:00Z")
What has 7 teeth and 50 feet? Front row at the Grand Ole Opry. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/198 "2011-08-16T13:38:45Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > One my friend’s son told when he was about 6 that I thought was hysterical and still do: > > “What’s green and round and smells like cat shit?” > > Answer > > Green round catshit > > Though I think he said doodoo. I LOVE it! ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/199 "2011-08-16T15:09:21Z")
This lady goes to a marriage therapist. Therapist: What are the problems with your marriage? Lady: Well, there’s really three things my husband does that bother me. First, he’s always wiping his nose. Everywhere he goes, he wipes his nose all the time. It’s embarrassing to be seen with him. Second, he never talks to me. He won’t say more than a couple of words at a time. I can’t get him to express himself, to share what he’s thinking and feeling. He’s just too quiet. And third, and this is a bit embarrassing, but when we’re making love, he never lets me get on top. I think I’d like to try that, but he won’t ever let me. So the therapist sets up an appointment with the husband. Therapist: Thank you for coming in. Your wife has some issues that are bothering her about your marriage, but she wants to work them out. They may sound trivial or strange, but they are important to her. The first is that you are always wiping your nose. She finds it embarrassing. Second, you need to talk more, to share your feelings. She really would like you to talk to her more. And third, when you two are making love, she thinks she would like to try the top position, but she says you never let her. Is there some reason why you do these things? Man: It all goes back to what my dad taught me. He said, “Son, always remember three things: keep your nose clean, your mouth shut, and don’t fuck up.” ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/200 "2011-08-16T15:44:58Z")
Husband: You women are always talking. You never shut up. This magazine article says women speak twice as much as men. Wife: That’s only because men don’t listen and women have to repeat themselves. Husband: What? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646.md?page=11)