# Old Jokes That Still Crack You Up **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 5, 2011, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646 "2011-08-05T22:21:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2011, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/141 "2011-08-10T15:58:58Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > A doctor got a call from a Polish woman, who screamed “Doc, get over here, I’m in a lot of pain!” > > The doctor raced to the Polish woman’s house and saw that her ears were both badly burned. The doctor treated the burns, then asked her how it had happened. > > The woman said sheepishly, ”Well, I was ironing the clothes, when a friend of mine called me up. I was so dumb! Instead of reaching for the phone, I held the hot iron up to my left ear and burned it.” > > “Oh,” said the doctor. “Then, how did you burn the RIGHT ear?’ > > “Well,” the woman replied, “I had to call YOU, didn’t I?” I just saved this one for my blog, **astorian** , because that sounds like something I would do!😃 Gotta change “Polish” to something else, though. Any suggestions? Thanks Q ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2011, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/142 "2011-08-10T16:17:36Z")
An elderly man brings his elderly ailing wife to the doctor. So the doctor takes her in for some tests. He comes back to the husband after an hour with a grim look on his face. “Sir, I’m afraid I don’t have very good news for you.” “Oh no, what’s wrong with her.” “We’re not entirely sure, but we’ve been able to narrow down the test results. She either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.” “Oh my god, what should I do.” “Well, I’d say take her out for a long ride in the country and kick her out of the car.” “That’s a little harsh, doc. What will that prove?” “Nothing. But if she finds her way back home … don’t fuck her.” ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2011, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/143 "2011-08-10T16:25:11Z")
Damn, that’s _cold_, **Jack** , but funny as hell! 🙂 May have to work on that last sentence if I use it, though! 😉 Thanks Q ---
**Author:** ![jharvey963](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/54ee81/32.png) [@jharvey963](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jharvey963)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2011, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/144 "2011-08-10T23:05:27Z")
“…Because only a civil engineer would put a waste disposal pipeline through a recreational area.” 🙂 J. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2011, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/145 "2011-08-10T23:50:05Z")
Mother: quit making jokes about terrorists! Daughter: Your generation just doesn’t have the same sense of humor that Meinhof. ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/146 "2011-08-11T00:17:57Z")
Teacher asks her kindergartners to use the word beautiful twice in one sentence. First she calls on Sally: “Mommy said I look beautiful in my beautiful new dress.” “aw how sweet” says the teacher. Next she calls on Jane. “Yesterday was so beautiful my mommy made us a beautiful picnic.” “aw” says the teach. Then she calls on little Johnny. “Last night at dinner my sister told my father she is pregnant, and he said beautiful, fucking beautiful.” ---
**Author:** ![Alan\_Smithee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2acd7d/32.png) [@Alan\_Smithee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alan_Smithee)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/147 "2011-08-11T00:35:39Z")
TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what sound a cow makes? SUZY: Moo! TEACHER: Good job, Suzy! Now who can tell me what sound a chicken makes? BILLY: Cluck cluck! TEACHER: That’s right, Billy! Now who can tell me what sound a pig makes? JOHNNY: _Up against the wall, motherfucker!!!_ ---
**Author:** ![Alan\_Smithee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2acd7d/32.png) [@Alan\_Smithee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alan_Smithee)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/148 "2011-08-11T00:41:34Z")
“So did you enjoy your first American baseball game?” “_Sí_, everyone in the stadium was so polite!” “Really, what do you mean?” “As soon as we got there, everyone stood up and asked me, ‘José, can you see?’” ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/149 "2011-08-11T00:45:09Z")
So an ant is walking through the forest, and encounters an elephant clearly in a lot of pain. It turns out the elephant has a thorn in its foot that it can’t get out. The ant offers to help, and is able to pull out the thorn. The elephant says “oh, thank you so much, is there anything I can do for you in return?”. The ant thinks for a second and says “well, this is kind of embarrassing, but… I’ve always wanted to fuck an elephant in the ass”. The elephant obvious thinks this is kind of silly, but it seems kind of harmless, so he says “ok, well, go right ahead”. So the ant climbs all the way up and starts pounding away. Just then a coconut falls out of a tree and hits the elephant on the head, and the elephant says “ow!”, and the ant says “That’s right! Take it, bitch!”. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/150 "2011-08-11T00:50:02Z")
A man is lost in the desert. Day after day he stumbles and crawls toward what he hopes is civilization. During his few tortured moments of rest he mutters, “Why me, God? Why?” He finally sees a small town in the distance. As he staggers toward it he says, “Why me, God? Why?” He gets to the town, only to find no one lives there anymore, and he cries, “Why me, God? Why?” He drags himself into the abandoned church, crawls up to the altar, and with a burst of rage screams, "Why me, God? WHY? There’s a clap of thunder, then an giant hand bursts the roof and smashes the man flat. And a booming voice says, “BECAUSE YOU PISS ME OFF!!!” ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/151 "2011-08-11T00:52:48Z")
How do you sell chickens to a deaf man? _**HEY! YOU WANNA BUY SOME [SIZE=“7”]CHICKENS?![/SIZE]**_ ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/152 "2011-08-11T01:06:18Z")
Clem & Leroy saw an ad in the Booneville Daily and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said,“Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.” Clem & Leroy replied, “Well then, just give us our money back." The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” They said, “Well then, just bring us the dead mule.” The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?” Clem said, “We gonna raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!” Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!” A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Clem & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?” They said,“We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do…” Leroy said,“Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.” The farmer said,“My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?” Clem said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.” ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Strangelove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.strangelove/32/6613_2.png) [@Dr.Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/153 "2011-08-11T01:33:12Z")
Q: What do you call the guy that graduated last in his class at med school? A: “Dcotor” ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/154 "2011-08-11T02:05:06Z")
A termite walks in to a bar and asks, “where is the bar tender?” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/155 "2011-08-11T03:54:59Z")
A joke I first heard in _The Crow_ but I think it’s much older: ## Jesus Christ walks into a motel and gives the bartender three nails and asks “Can you put me up for the night?” A visual: Why do women love Jesus? Because he’s kind, sensitive, forgiving, works with his hands, and _hung like this_. [At the italicized portion extend your arms cruciform] ---
**Author:** ![kjbrasda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/74df32/32.png) [@kjbrasda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kjbrasda)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/156 "2011-08-11T06:23:45Z")
'dya hear about the lonely gynocologist who looked up an ex-girlfriend? ---
**Author:** ![Bumbershoot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbershoot/32/3428_2.png) [@Bumbershoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbershoot)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/157 "2011-08-11T10:17:02Z")
A man visits a doctor with a banana in his left ear, a carrot up his nose, and a cucumber in his right ear. “Well doc - what do you think’s wrong with me??” “Easy” says the doctor. “You’re not eating properly.” ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/158 "2011-08-11T11:42:46Z")
A man walks into a psychiatrists office, naked and completely wrapped in Saran wrap. The doctor tells him, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.” ---
**Author:** ![Ronald\_C.Semone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/cc9497/32.png) [@Ronald\_C.Semone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ronald_C.Semone)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/159 "2011-08-11T12:20:50Z")
> [@Quasimodem](#): > > I just saved this one for my blog, **astorian** , because that sounds like something I would do!😃 Gotta change “Polish” to something else, though. Any suggestions? > > Thanks > > Q Try it with “Blonde”. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2011, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646/160 "2011-08-11T14:20:52Z")
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/old-jokes-that-still-crack-you-up/591646.md?page=9)