# Omnibus Religious Fucks in the NEWS **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 7, 2022, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066 "2022-02-07T18:33:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 50
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/981 "2025-09-23T05:00:52Z")
Well this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. It’s such a Douglas Adams kind of thought. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/982 "2025-09-23T08:50:00Z")
I’m operating on the assumption that the Rapture happened in 2016. Bowie? Prince? Leonard Cohen? Abe Vigoda? All Raptured up. The bit with the trials and tribulations and fires and plagues and Antichrist? That’s where we are now. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/983 "2025-09-23T09:38:28Z")
Wasn’t that only supposed to last 7 years, though? It’s nine years later. WTF? ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 9:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/984 "2025-09-23T09:45:34Z")
The Tribulation. It’s taking longer than we thought. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/985 "2025-09-23T10:18:31Z")
Hey, is this rapture thing at all connected to the dry run Red Heifer sacrifices earlier this year? For anyone who doesn’t know - the ashes of a “perfect” red heifer sacrificed in the prescribed manner was an essential ingredient in purification for the Jewish Temple. Qualifying heifers are very rare, although a gentleman in Texas (evangelical Christian, surprise surprise) has been attempting to breed them. Earlier this year there was a practice run doing the full up sacrifice (meaning killing the heifer and burning it) on July 1 but not in the correct location so it didn’t count. Then another one was sacrificed on July 8 in the “West Bank” which might have been the Mount of Olives (some part of which would have been the “correct location”) but during or after was found to have 2 black hairs, which is disqualifying so I guess it was another practice run. Somehow, I am not surprised if they sacrificed the “perfect” heifer in the practice run leaving the imperfect one for what they intended as the real deal because these chucklefucks seem to have a less than firm grasp on reality. I guess the plan is to make a correct version of this sacrifice, piss off a billion Muslims by scraping off everything currently on the Temple Mount, and build a Third Temple. I suppose the next step after that is re-instating all the Early Iron Age practices which, depending on who you are, is either a Golden Age for Israel or the kick off of the End Times if you’re that sort of Christian. Either way, I’d predict a LOT of people dying over this, should it ever take place. Anyhow - **are the Religious Fucks losing their collective shit over two dead cows in July?** Has anyone told them that the two “sacrifices”, although resulting in Dead Cow Ashes, were not properly done and were only practice runs? ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/986 "2025-09-23T11:48:59Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Wasn’t that only supposed to last 7 years, though? It’s nine years later. Wonky counting has been sort of a trademark for the premillennial dispensationalist crowd right from the start. That’s how come they’re always sure and always wrong-but-not-really-trust-me. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/987 "2025-09-23T13:41:50Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Wasn’t that only supposed to last 7 years, though? It’s nine years later. WTF? It’s now the “Spiritual Apocalypse” or something. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/988 "2025-09-23T14:25:36Z")
Won’t we be surprised when the rapture comes. HAHA Nelson will say to us. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/989 "2025-09-23T16:46:43Z")
LOL, thanks for the out-loud giggle. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/990 "2025-09-23T17:18:15Z")
So it’s getting on 11 here. Should I have lunch, or wait to be fed by God? Can I be rapturated on a full stomach, or would I be too heavy? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/991 "2025-09-23T17:23:59Z")
Regarding the current “Rapture”-are there any verified reports of people believing in this nonsense enough to sign over property to unbelievers? ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/992 "2025-09-23T17:26:12Z")
It’s already twenty past seven PM here and I’m wondering how long I should wait, until midnight? And what timezone counts? I’ve had dinner, and I’m already sipping on my evening glass of wine, is it ok to be raptured while a bit tipsy? And the most puzzling question: if two people on straight antipodes get raptured and thus going straight up, they are heading into opposite directions. How can they arrive at the same place? ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/993 "2025-09-23T18:37:53Z")
Either it runs on UTC or it stands until the last time zone passes. > [@EinsteinsHund](#): > > if two people on straight antipodes get raptured and thus going straight up, they are heading into opposite directions. How can they arrive at the same place? I suppose just like the speed of light is always the same whatever your frame of reference, so is Heaven “up” whatever your frame of reference in the first 3 dimensions yet still you go to the same “place”. Or something like that. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/994 "2025-09-23T23:51:34Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Regarding the current “Rapture”-are there any verified reports of people believing in this nonsense enough to sign over property to unbelievers? I’m shaking my head over that. But I’ve theoretically considered the possibility of Atheist Dog Walkers. You have your own key. You come by daily. You post notices with a monthly charge and a bottom fringe of tear-off phone numbers. If one of your regular customers has been raptured and the dog hasn’t, you take the dog home and look after it. ---
**Author:** ![Frodo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frodo/32/302_2.png) [@Frodo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frodo)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/995 "2025-09-23T23:58:20Z")
But but but all dogs go to heaven! ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/996 "2025-09-24T00:16:39Z")
> [@Yllaria](#): > > But I’ve theoretically considered the possibility of Atheist Dog Walkers. There’s a market. > **[Dontcrossagayman](https://www.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=811478574739929&id=100076333802140&mibextid=xfxF2i&rdid=ZgNb23nefAEXzwA6&share_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fshare%2Fp%2F17KM8ppVJE%2F%3Fmibextid%3DxfxF2i)** > > I got a response from the woman who wants me to pet-sit her dog while she gets raptured and I get left behind 😂 ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/997 "2025-09-24T00:19:55Z")
> [@Yllaria](#): > > But I’ve theoretically considered the possibility of Atheist Dog Walkers. There is (or was) a dog walking outfit here with “Assembly of Dog” written on the van. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/998 "2025-09-24T00:21:17Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Regarding the current “Rapture”-are there any verified reports of people believing in this nonsense enough to sign over property to unbelievers?- Need answer quick? ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/999 "2025-09-24T04:03:52Z")
This has me thinking of this bit of dialogue from Parks and Rec, after local cult figure Zorp fails to appear and destroy the world. **The dialogue** **Herb Scaifer:** “Yeah, so I went home and began to reevaluate the texts.” **Leslie Knope:** _(nodding knowingly)_ “You don’t say.” **Herb Scaifer:** “And I realized… I’d made some crucial errors. The actual end of the world is May 19th.” **Leslie Knope:** _(looking at her calendar)_ “Okay, let’s see what we’ve got. Um, oh, on the 19th, we can’t give you the park. We have a Spring Spectacular free ice cream giveaway.” **Herb Scaifer:** “I misspoke. Yeah, it’s May 20th.” **Leslie Knope:** “That is free.” _(She types into her computer.)_ “Okay. End of world, May 20th.” ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066/1000 "2025-09-24T05:24:34Z")
This is the 1,000th post, just saying. And once again, they were wrong, but I figured they probably were. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066.md?page=49) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/omnibus-religious-fucks-in-the-news/959066.md?page=51)