# On A Cold December Morn...(long-ish) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 3, 2001, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170 "2001-05-03T02:51:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/1 "2001-05-03T02:51:38Z")
She came to the straightdope to see if perhaps…for once, one of her questions to Cecil had been answered. Sadly, it had not. She was still in the dark on the subject of schnapps, as she had been for many years. But her boss was out of town and she had no assignments, so she decided to “REGISTER” to be a “MEMBER” of the Straight Dope Message Board. “What new fresh hell is this?” she thought aloud, generating a _look_ from the UPS guy. She decided to use her website id as her username (although it was silly really…she was never going to post, she was just there for ONE day, to kill time)…and thus jarbabyj was born… She decided to take her [question](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=52163) to the masses and with her first click on the ‘submit’ button…she knew her fate was sealed, and she was in fact, addicted. She checked her mailbox every MINUTE to see if someone had replied…and when they did…she nearly urinated with excitment. This BOARD…as they called it…was fun! She decided to lurk about, learning what trolls were, what Hi Opal meant, what AFAIK meant…delving the depths. She clicked on thread after thread thinking, “these people are like a fucking think tank! They’re brilliant! They know everything about everything and THEN some, PLUS they quote the Simpsons. They find it FUN to argue about abortion and circumcision, they PASS THE TIME by talking about taxes! This board is FAR FAR FAR out of my league.” And then she left Great Debates. She headed for “THE PIT”…say…was it some sort of BDSM area? Yes! YES IT WAS! No wait…it wasn’t…but close. She read the now internationally famous Telemarketer Rant from **Cervaise** and immediately started calling her friends and family “poor addled cows”. She asked Cervaise if she could be his slave. It didn’t go over well. “Clearly,” she thought, again, aloud, causing her assistant to lean over and stare, “This is a board that is not about sex. Or flirting. These are serious people with serious issues. I’d better keep my hormones under my hat. Besides. It’s not like there will be any sexy dominant male bondage types here.” She browsed some more. She fell in love instantly with **Coldfire** , but was warned within minutes that he was off limits, and she should just give up on trying to get him to notice her. Was it true? Or was that girl just trying to keep him to herself? We’ll never know. She promised **Kellibelli** that she’d never post anything that didn’t have a shred of substance to it, that she would never have a post party, that she wouldn’t be a goofball, and Kelli expressed appreciation. Then she started a thread about A Great Conspiracy, that never seemed to die. She promised HERSELF that she wouldn’t OVERUSE the smilies feature. And then she discovered how effective a good :rolleyes: could be. She promised HERSELF that she would try not to swear. And then it slipped. Very innocently, she thought. Nobody will notice that i said fuckchop, she thought. And asshammer? Everyone says that, right? Everyone, apparently, did not. And then the pressure was on for jarbabyj to come up with new and amazing insults…one after another, to please the masses that were beating down her door…or something like that. She promised HERSELF that she’d never have a picture of herself available…and then she received an email from a doper simply saying “send me a picture” and she directed that man [here](http://www.jarbaby.com/pics/jessitill.jpg). What was she doing? What was she thinking? What sort of can of worms was she opening? At this point, she didn’t care…because the straightdope had taught her to spell abscess. And it was amazing the things people thought about her! They thought she was funny! And sexy! and statuesque (she’s 5’7", how can that be?)! And oversensitive! And a dupe! And a queen! And a MAN! And her personal favorite, A LYING SHIT. She became **Krunk’s** personal whore, and a thorn in **Arden Ranger’s** side. She became the spokeswoman for German industrial music, and the headmistress of the No Anal fanclub. And so…1000 posts later, she has broken a million promises. Promises to not nitpick, promises to not flirt, promises to not make fun of typos or teenagers, promises to not bring up Rammstein in casual conversation, promises to not bash the Green Bay Packers, promises to not talk about her sex life, promises to not hit on Manhattan. I think it’s clear…she’s no good. And she’s getting worse…but at this point., I’m afraid, we see no sign of her stopping. jarbaby p.s.: **Kellibelli** , this is not a post party 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/2 "2001-05-03T03:06:03Z")
_ahem_ I think a thorn may be underestimating it. 😉 Hey, I brought you something for this “Not-A-Post-Party” ::Enters **jarbaby** ’s fantasy weilder wearing nothing but a bow and a smile:: ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/3 "2001-05-03T03:12:31Z")
Happy thousand. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/4 "2001-05-03T05:15:55Z")
1000 posts in 5 months – not too excessive, IMHO. All worthwhile, I’m sure.😉 ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/5 "2001-05-03T05:29:50Z")
Well, if this isn’t a post party, why am I naked? And where did this bowtie come from? And, most importantly, what’s it doing _there_? Happy 1000, jarbabyj. It’s good knowing ya. ---
**Author:** ![silent\_rob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@silent\_rob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silent_rob)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/6 "2001-05-03T05:30:00Z")
Congrats on the 1000-mark, **jarbabyj**. Even though I can’t recall talking to you in many threads (I’m shy), I always make sure to read any of your posts that I happen to see. Here’s hoping you’ll stick around for a few 1000 more. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/7 "2001-05-03T06:54:04Z")
I somehow seem to have managed to sneak over the kilo-threshold myself sometime in the last few days or weeks. I have no idea when because I have never been too caught up in the post-count thing, but earlier today I posted, then happened to notice the number and thought, “When the hell did THAT happen?” Took me a good while longer than you to achieve it, but what the hell. **jarbabyj** , I am sure as hell glad you found your way to our little corner of the world. I find your posts amazingly amusing, and besides, any woman who loves **Brady Anderson** as much as I do is alright in my book. If I ever find myself in the same neck of the woods as you, I will be sure to hunt you down and give you a big ole kiss. With tongue. So consider yourself warned. ---
**Author:** ![FlyingDragonFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c89c15/32.png) [@FlyingDragonFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingDragonFan)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/8 "2001-05-03T13:22:19Z")
**jarbabyj** I’m fairly new here, but I’ve enjoyed your presence on the boards a great deal (even the traumatizing story about how you got your name). Your comments are always insightful, clever and entertaining. In short … ``` ... you're the bomb. ``` ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/9 "2001-05-03T13:41:26Z")
Not a post party, eh? Well, I guess I shaved[sup]\*[/sup] for nuthin’! **Jarbaby** , having met you, I think it’s fair to say we are all better off with your broken promises, innuendoes, flirtations, smilies, swearing and your fine, round, perky can [sub]of worms[/sub]. Well, I’ve got to go. Where is my torch, anyway…I’m all sweaty and I’ve got some welding to do. [sup]\*: film at 11[/sup] ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/10 "2001-05-03T13:45:01Z")
thanks everybody! I’ve got this welder all tied up in the corner, a shaved thinksnow…a shrine to brady anderson! It’s all good! By god I guess this IS a party! Break out the jagermeister. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bottle_of_Smoke)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/11 "2001-05-03T13:59:37Z")
You promised not to bash the Green Bay Packers? Ha! I think you broke that promise in the first post of yours I ever read, you blue-and-orange-wearin’ chili-dog-and-cheese-fries eatin’ gotta-picture-of-Gary-Fencik-on-your-ceiling Bears groupie. If it weren’t for your wit, your intelligence, and your casual love of porn, I would have nothing at all to do with you, you freakin’ FIB. Happy 1000 jarbaby. You rock. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/12 "2001-05-03T14:02:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bottle of Smoke \* > > gotta-picture-of-Gary-Fencik-on-your-ceiling Bears groupie. Gary Fencik??? Please Bottle…PLEASE! Brian URLACHER is on my ceiling. Literaly Anyway, you seem kind of smart for a packer fan…do you have a lot of teeth? 😃 jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bottle_of_Smoke)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/13 "2001-05-03T14:39:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > you seem kind of smart for a packer fan…do you have a lot of teeth? 😃 \*\* Damn straight I do. I got the couple on the top and that one on the bottom. Just enough to be able to eat all that cheese and bratwurst. And ya don’t need no teeth at all to drink beer. ---
**Author:** ![Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tommy_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/14 "2001-05-03T15:01:40Z")
Damn, is it 1000 already? I’m sure the next 1000 will be just as entertaining. Hell, at this rate you ought to hit 2000 in about a week and a half. 😉 Congrats, **jarbaby**! ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/15 "2001-05-03T15:08:27Z")
Good for you. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/16 "2001-05-03T15:17:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > Brian URLACHER is on my ceiling. > > Literaly > \*\* Now I have this visual of Brian Urlacher duct-taped to your ceiling. Which room would that be in, by the way? Anyway **Jarbabyj,** I’ve taken great pleasure in your style these last few months. Happy 1000! ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/17 "2001-05-03T15:21:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bumbazine \* > > Now I have this visual of Brian Urlacher duct-taped to your ceiling. Me too! It makes me all tingly. What’s great is that my husband’s name is Brian…so there’s no danger of slipping up in the heat of passion. 😃 > [@](#): > > Anyway **Jarbabyj,** I’ve taken great pleasure in your style these last few months. Happy 1000! Thanks Bumbazine! You guys are all great! jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/18 "2001-05-03T15:39:39Z")
So there I was, a month ago or so, innocently traipsing along, with no idea of the force of nature that was **jarbabyj**. Then I read her thread about the scammers on the subway (I think that was the one), and came across a word I’d never even thought before. A word that made me simultaneously gasp and giggle uncontrollably. The word? Fuckchop. “Fuckchop?” I said to myself. “_Fuckchop_? Who _is_ this woman?” And thus was my SDMB life transformed. I began reading more of **jarbabyj** ’s threads and posts, full of awe and wonder at her style, her savoir-faire, her effortlessly tossed-off insults (and well-reasoned arguments)…and I was hooked. Thanks, **jarbabyj**. You add so much to this board–thank you, and happy many thousands more. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/19 "2001-05-03T15:44:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LindyHopper \* > her effortlessly tossed-off insults ahem. Yes. I toss off effortlessly 😃 Thanks Lindy! God that was a sweet post. I’m glad to have found a forum with such smart, funny, [Phil Hartman] SASSY [/Phil Hartman] people to interact with! You guys should hang out at a Rammstein message board for a few minutes…and see what I mean. Every time I see your user name I giggle a little bit, but that’s just because there are two people I know that I call Lindy. Lindy Lindy Lindy… :: dancing off :: jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Grimace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3e96dc/32.png) [@Grimace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grimace)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170/20 "2001-05-03T15:57:25Z")
> [@](#): > > And ya don’t need no teeth at all to drink beer No, but it makes getting the cap off the beer bottle easier 😃 Congrats on 1000 Jarbabj, your colorful slang has already made an indelible mark upon my psyche 😃 (and that’s a compliment!) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-cold-december-morn-long-ish/64170.md?page=2)