# On a scale of 1 to 10, how crappy is my husband? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 7, 2013, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859 "2013-07-07T07:04:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tracijo67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@Tracijo67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracijo67)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/21 "2013-07-07T15:26:42Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > Yes, it is quite interesting. If you replaced “husband” with “wife” and “wife” with “husband” in the opening post, the SDMB crowd would be falling over themselves in condemnation of the OP to tell him what a sexist, selfish, chauvinistic, misogynistic, and uncompassionate person he is. > > This is not a criticism of the OP; I am genuinely sorry about the predicament you’re in. It’s just an interesting observation. I am fairly new to this forum so I will have to take your word but feel incredulous anyway. Husband or wife … if one is not contributing fairly (we’re not even talking 50% here… just in a way that seems equitable to that relationship) I don’t think gender stereotypes are even an issue to examine. He’s home, not working, not caring for their child full time, and sounds like he’s leaving at least half of the housework to her too. I am not condemning him; suspect there is probably more going on than simple laziness. But I see her point and would see his too, if situation were reversed and he was complaining about his lazy wife. It’s hard to examine the situation critically when one is caught up in it. He’s home, not working, and again, not even caring full-time for their child. Same applies if we substitute ‘she’. Needs to do something to move towards a more equitable situation even if that starts with nothing more than a visit to the doctor to rule out (or treat) depression. I know you aren’t actually objecting to any of that, just observing how gender stereotypes play out, but I am more speaking to the OP here. His gender is not an issue to any reasonable person. That he’s pulling her down instead of moving forward with her is the real problem that she’s asking for affirmation on. ---
**Author:** ![Maserschmidt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maserschmidt/32/18829_2.png) [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/22 "2013-07-07T15:41:24Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > It’s not really an “observation” as you haven’t really “observed” the hypocrisy, just assumed it. Unless you have a specific thread in mind… Maybe he’d be the one saying it! Otherwise, I agree that it’s a bullshit call on his part. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/23 "2013-07-07T15:41:56Z")
8 I would suggest he start setting some goals and accomplishing them. Three small goals a day can make a huge difference in anyone’s life. Other than that, I have no other suggestions. ---
**Author:** ![Maserschmidt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maserschmidt/32/18829_2.png) [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/24 "2013-07-07T15:48:10Z")
As for the OP, I’m sorry, but your husband doesn’t really seem interested in participating in a relationship. I couldn’t say whether it’s depression or selfishness, but either way it’s not good. ETA: I’m not sure how the scoring works, but included in my comparisons to other crappy husbands would be “hey, at least he’s not physically abusive.” ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/25 "2013-07-07T15:48:52Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > It 's like you’re living in 1963 and complaining about things people might have said in 1983. It’s 2013 - people accept the idea that a man or a woman can be the breadwinner or the homemaker. And people have no problem saying a woman can be a bad wife when she is one. > > The world has moved on. You need to catch up with the rest of us. If the thread read like the one below I think Crafter\_Man’s assumption as to doper responses would be more accurate than not. It is interesting though, in looking at it with sexes reversed. With a women in the offending role the overall context is quite different. > [@](#): > > \*\*On a scale of 1 to 10, how crappy is my wife? \*\* > > First of all, I’m not leaving her so if that is going to be your suggestion, may I kindly ask that you do not post in this thread. This thread is so I can get a sense of how unreasonable/assholish I am and just how crappy her wife performance is. > > Good stuff first: Great cook. Really good with our son. Interesting and funny. Very pretty. Speaks a lot of languages. Graduated from college recently (with a somewhat useless degree but we agreed that she should finish and then figure out the next step). My family really loves her. She is kindhearted and would go out of her way, and does, for people. She does most of the laundry, almost all of the cooking. She makes me laugh. There are other good things. > > Bad things: She has not had a job since he graduated a year ago - but she hasn’t even worked for a temp agency. She only applies for the jobs he wants but she could apply for something not quite as good - like temp work - but she doesn’t. I work full time, 40 or 50 hours a week. I come home from work some days and the house is a mess - . She is addicted to the internet, I believe, and watches news and movies a great part of the day, I believe. Our son goes to preschool - so she just has to take him there in the morning and pick him up by 6. So, yeah, she has no real responsibilities all day. Shouldn’t the house be spotless when I get home? Or at least not a huge mess? She doesn’t cook every day - maybe every 3 days. She gets mad at me and then does do some cleaning when I complain, but it’s usually after a big fight. I asked her today if he was depressed or just lazy, because I can’t figure out any other reason. I get that she feels powerless but I’m not sure what to do. She applies for jobs but…she doesn’t network, get out there, etc. She just applies for jobs on the internet every so often. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/26 "2013-07-07T15:49:08Z")
Seriously? You think people would be sympathetic to a stay-at-home wife who had the kids in full-time 9-5 daycare while she played video games, did not maintain the house beyond cooking three days a week, did not put any effort into her sex life, and made surprise big-ticket purchases while her spouse was at work? I think that’s everyone’s stereotypical nightmare wife! All you need is to throw in a large weight gain and maybe a bit of substance abuse and you have the sort of thing that men’s right people go gaga for. Having a stay-at-home spouse is different than having an idle spouse. Households with a stay-at-home spouse make a planned decision to do so. They plan for it financially, they define responsibilities, and they maximize the benefits (often by saving on childcare), they have a plan for what happens as the kids get older, and they continually assess their situation together to make sure what they are doing is still working. It’s done in partnership. Sitting around the house and playing video games while your spouse gets angrier and angrier is not being a stay-at-home spouse. It’s a violation of the terms of marriage. At this point, even if he gets a job paying minimum wage, he’s going to bring in $1,000 a month. That buys you a weekly visit from the housekeeper and some pre-prepped meals. That’s a heck of a lot more than he’s currently contributing. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/27 "2013-07-07T16:00:10Z")
I think a good marriage counselor could help sort this out… it sounds like he’s never really had any responsibility or initiative, he’s in an escapist rut, and jointly you lack communication tools to deal with your expectations. > [@tesseract](#): > > He gets mad at me and then does do some cleaning when I complain, but it’s usually after a big fight. I asked him today if he was depressed or just lazy, because I can’t figure out any other reason. I think what would help here is a single-threaded priority list of things to do every day that you both agree on. I mean starting with a list of one item, managing that, and then building on it. Then expand to two lists… one for housekeeping, one for job-hunting, and build the length of those as he masters them. But the priorities have to be things that you both value and agree are feasible. Yes, it does seem absurd to treat a man like a grade-schooler, but generalized complaints aren’t going to get things done. > [@](#): > > I get that he feels emasculated but I’m not sure what to do. I’m curious about this. Did he tell you he feels emasculated? I’m almost certain that this isn’t what he said, so how do you arrive at this conclusion and what do you think it means? ---
**Author:** ![turtlescanfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@turtlescanfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/turtlescanfly)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/28 "2013-07-07T16:05:58Z")
He is showing almost all of the classic signs of depression (read up on it). You should strongly suggest that he see a counselor (he will almost certainly resist) but unless he gets help it will only get worse and harder to break out of (depression can be self re-enforcing). I have suffered major depressive disorder my whole adult life. Your OP describes me in just about every way (except I did have a job, but in regards to not wanting to do things and not helping with housework). And it did eventually cost me my marriage. If you’re not willing to leave him, I’m assuming that you are committed to making it work. I didn’t get help until it was too late. Someone who is depressed 1) might not realize it and 2) lacks the motivation to do something about it even if he did. Not necessarily talking about medication, he may respond to behavioral therapy, but he’ll need your help to get him through the door. Good Luck. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/29 "2013-07-07T16:08:14Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Seriously? You think people would be sympathetic to a stay-at-home wife who had the kids in full-time 9-5 daycare while she played video games, did not maintain the house beyond cooking three days a week, did not put any effort into her sex life, and made surprise big-ticket purchases while her spouse was at work? I think that’s everyone’s stereotypical nightmare wife! All you need is to throw in a large weight gain and maybe a bit of substance abuse and you have the sort of thing that men’s right people go gaga for. > > Having a stay-at-home spouse is different than having an idle spouse. Households with a stay-at-home spouse make a planned decision to do so. They plan for it financially, they define responsibilities, and they maximize the benefits (often by saving on childcare), they have a plan for what happens as the kids get older, and they continually assess their situation together to make sure what they are doing is still working. It’s done in partnership. > > Sitting around the house and playing video games while your spouse gets angrier and angrier is not being a stay-at-home spouse. It’s a violation of the terms of marriage. At this point, even if he gets a job paying minimum wage, he’s going to bring in $1,000 a month. That buys you a weekly visit from the housekeeper and some pre-prepped meals. That’s a heck of a lot more than he’s currently contributing. I don’t think they would necessarily be all that sympathetic to either, but I’m pretty sure the OP (if sex roles were reversed) would be brought up short for listing her primary positive attributes as the fact she’s pretty and she cooks. There would be a lot of snorting and pawing over that guaranteed. With a man in the role it passes without comment. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/30 "2013-07-07T16:21:32Z")
Know this: you will never change him. If that’s your goal, then you won’t have to leave him; he’ll leave you. So either accept him as he is, with some minor changes in his way of living with you, or quit bitching about it. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/31 "2013-07-07T16:25:22Z")
> [@astro](#): > > I don’t think they would necessarily be all that sympathetic to either, but I’m pretty sure the OP (if sex roles were reversed) would be brought up short for listing her primary positive attributes as the fact she’s pretty and she cooks. There would be a lot of snorting and pawing over that guaranteed. With a man in the role it passes without comment. Possibly. But a story about a woman putting the kid in daycare five days a week while she’s home would have raised serious eyebrows in a way that the man staying home did not. In fact, I suspect that it just wouldn’t have happened: if the genders were reversed, the kid WOULD be home, and the OP would be about how the wife just lets them watch TV all day while she’s on the internet. Because it would be very difficult, socially, to be an unemployed woman with kids in daycare 5 days a week. ---
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/32 "2013-07-07T16:32:34Z")
So you don’t love him anymore? Then just let it go and start over. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/33 "2013-07-07T16:33:06Z")
> [@tesseract](#): > > I feel like, what if I could say, ok he isn’t a great breadwinner, but he is good in bed. Nope. OK, Not a great breadwinner, not good in bed, but really good at keeping home fires burning - house clean, on top of stuff. Or, OK, not a great breadwinner, not good in bed, not really good at keeping home fires burning - but likes to do fun things. Nope. None of the above. It seems to me he doesn’t bring too much to this partnership. He has a good relationship with our son and makes him laugh. But he has to be dragged out to do stuff. We fight a lot about all of this stuff. He is extremely stubborn and will get annoyed at something like this: I take too much stuff to the beach. Like, too many beach toys that our son might not get the chance to play with. So we were fighting on the way and he said, “I make this sacrifice—” and by sacrifice he meant GOING TO THE BEACH WITH US. It’s not like he had something important to do - it’s just that that is him sacrificing his own time and I guess we should feel privileged that he was coming with us… This answers the question. What are you getting out of this relationship? I went through long-term unemployment and know the depression it can cause, but it seems to me he’s using that as an excuse to do as little as possible. And the car incident is not only inconsiderate, but also irresponsible. I’d rate him no more than a 2. You should be able to do better. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/34 "2013-07-07T16:33:50Z")
I’m wondering, though, if not a lot this, both your unhappiness and his possible depression, simply boils down to the job thing. Make it a priority to have that fixed first, before you go completely existential on the whole situation. But do make it very clear to him that finding a job \*will \*be his number one priority. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/35 "2013-07-07T16:40:09Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Possibly. But a story about a woman putting the kid in daycare five days a week while she’s home would have raised serious eyebrows in a way that the man staying home did not. In fact, I suspect that it just wouldn’t have happened: if the genders were reversed, the kid WOULD be home, and the OP would be about how the wife just lets them watch TV all day while she’s on the internet. Because it would be very difficult, socially, to be an unemployed woman with kids in daycare 5 days a week. Indeed, we had a thread a while back about a stay-at-home mother who put her kids in daycare a few days a week to foster their social development and buy her some alone time, and the comments got pretty ugly. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/36 "2013-07-07T16:45:12Z")
I had a very similar live-in relationship except that she was great in bed and did like doing fun stuff. I still had to break it off because I was so unhappy. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/37 "2013-07-07T17:10:03Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > 8 > > I would suggest he start setting some goals and accomplishing them. Three small goals a day can make a huge difference in anyone’s life. Other than that, I have no other suggestions. 8? _8?!_ You didn’t even read the OP, did you? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/38 "2013-07-07T17:15:05Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > 8? _8?!_ You didn’t even read the OP, did you? :dubious: I’m assuming 10 is bad? The OP never specified. ---
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/39 "2013-07-07T17:16:46Z")
I’ll be blunt. I think complaining about your spouse on the net is tacky at best and a cause for divorce at worst. Criticizing your husband to strangers is not the sign of a strong marriage. If you have issues with him, you’d be better off seeking counseling rather than complaining about him here. I would be mortified and furious if my husband did this to me. ---
**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/40 "2013-07-07T17:21:50Z")
> [@tesseract](#): > > Good stuff first: Great cook. Really good with our son. Interesting and funny. Very handsome. Speaks a lot of languages. Graduated from college recently (with a somewhat useless degree but we agreed that he should finish and then figure out the next step). How old are the two of you? Was he a more engaged father and husband during school? If he didn’t have any career experience before he started undergrad, it can be really rough transition from “Hey, you’re a successful student!” to “You’re a barely-noticeable job candidate” regardless of what degree he earned. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859.md?page=3)