# On a scale of 1 to 10, how crappy is my husband? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 7, 2013, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859 "2013-07-07T07:04:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/61 "2013-07-07T20:33:49Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > It is possible to cook meals to be eaten other days. In my home we have these contraptions that allow us to store food and then heat it for up to several days after it was cooked. I do too. That wasn’t where I was coming from; my angle was that maybe he only prepared 3 meals a week. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/62 "2013-07-07T20:40:18Z")
> [@kiz](#): > > My husband went through what I’d call a major depression after he had to close down his business. He’s still trying to revive it, but in the meantime we needed more income and he really needed to get himself away from the computer. Anything he considered “below” his income/ego was verboten. Finally, after a few heated arguments, I convinced him that any income is better than no income at all. He went down the street to a local pizza place and became a PT driver. He not only gets out of the house, but he’s also made friends and some potential future business contacts too. That’s great, if you can even get such a job in the first place. I myself have a degree that is not only useless in its field, it prevents me from getting a job doing anything else, so pizza delivery isn’t an option either. Can you tell I found this out the hard way? I never even got a single call from any of the places where I applied as temporary Christmas help, although I knew some of them were getting 500 applications for every opening, and why would anyone hire me when there are so many people out there with full-body tattoos and enough body jewelry to set off a metal detector from 50 feet away? :rolleyes: I even signed up with several temp agencies when I moved back here, and the only place any of them sent me (for an interview, not the job itself) was a call center that was absolutely filthy, and I honestly wouldn’t have felt safe working there. Another temp agency complained that they couldn’t find people who wanted to work - and their first contact with me was SIX MONTHS after I had applied! There were other red flags that prompted me to tell them that I had found another job (because I hired myself, KWIM?) so no go with them either. Yet another agency had a big sign on the door that said “NO WEAPONS OR DRUGS” and it turned out not only to be a heavy industrial agency, but one of those places where they send people when they get out of prison. I’m curious as to what this “useless” degree is in. You can PM me if you don’t want to post it here. ---
**Author:** ![R3d\_Anonymous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aeb1de/32.png) [@R3d\_Anonymous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3d_Anonymous)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/63 "2013-07-07T21:03:31Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > It’s a complete role reversal of a traditional situation with a working husband and stay at home wife. Exactly what I was thinking. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/64 "2013-07-07T23:25:14Z")
> [@tesseract](#): > > Good idea. I should suggest it. It took a lot of convincing on my part. He had no experience whatsoever in any kind of food service work and hadn’t had a minimum wage job since high school. So, yeah…the process was, and still is, quite the shock to his system. But you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do :shrug: ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/65 "2013-07-07T23:35:10Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > That’s great, if you can even get such a job in the first place. I myself have a degree that is not only useless in its field, it prevents me from getting a job doing anything else, so pizza delivery isn’t an option either. Can you tell I found this out the hard way? I never even got a single call from any of the places where I applied as temporary Christmas help, although I knew some of them were getting 500 applications for every opening, and why would anyone hire me when there are so many people out there with full-body tattoos and enough body jewelry to set off a metal detector from 50 feet away? :rolleyes: I have a few friends who are up against the same exact thing :nodding: I’m not going to ask you here, but I’m wondering if you and my friends are from the same area… > [@](#): > > I even signed up with several temp agencies when I moved back here, and the only place any of them sent me (for an interview, not the job itself) was a call center that was absolutely filthy, and I honestly wouldn’t have felt safe working there. Another temp agency complained that they couldn’t find people who wanted to work - and their first contact with me was SIX MONTHS after I had applied! There were other red flags that prompted me to tell them that I had found another job (because I hired myself, KWIM?) so no go with them either. Yet another agency had a big sign on the door that said “NO WEAPONS OR DRUGS” and it turned out not only to be a heavy industrial agency, but one of those places where they send people when they get out of prison. My husband sought out a couple of those agencies before he got the delivery job. He turned them down, too, for safety reasons. He said he had never felt so uncomfortable as he did the day he signed up. As a result he never further pursued anything with them. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2013, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/66 "2013-07-07T23:49:44Z")
> [@kiz](#): > > I have a few friends who are up against the same exact thing :nodding: I’m not going to ask you here, but I’m wondering if you and my friends are from the same area… > > My husband sought out a couple of those agencies before he got the delivery job. He turned them down, too, for safety reasons. He said he had never felt so uncomfortable as he did the day he signed up. As a result he never further pursued anything with them. I’m glad I’m not the only person who feels this way, and also grateful that I don’t HAVE to work. I’m in the upper Midwest. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/67 "2013-07-08T00:21:37Z")
> [@Anonymous User](#): > > Exactly what I was thinking. A spouse voluntarily leaving the workforce because the couple agree it’s the best thing (for whatever reason) is not the same as someone stuck in a permanent transitory stage where no one wants the current situation to be the status quo, but nothing is changing. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/68 "2013-07-08T01:29:50Z")
If you (the OP) want to drag me into your little lovers quarrel, I think it’s only fair that I get to participate in the make up sex. ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/69 "2013-07-08T02:05:21Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > If you (the OP) want to drag me into your little lovers quarrel, I think it’s only fair that I get to participate in the make up sex. sure! u can be fluffer ---
**Author:** ![jabiru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bbce88/32.png) [@jabiru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jabiru)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/70 "2013-07-08T04:09:38Z")
I’m wondering how he got a loan to buy a new car without any income. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/71 "2013-07-08T04:46:17Z")
> [@jabiru](#): > > I’m wondering how he got a loan to buy a new car without any income. They look at family income. ---
**Author:** ![kevinb70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7cd45c/32.png) [@kevinb70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kevinb70)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/72 "2013-07-08T05:32:09Z")
He may be an introvert , and if you are an extrovert, you have no idea of how he thinks, and expect him to be just like you (love going out) ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/73 "2013-07-08T05:40:40Z")
If this is a new thing (the internet addiction, the lack of ambition, the laziness, disregarding your wishes, the selfishness about his time), then I’m with everyone else saying to do what it takes to get him to counselling / therapy / checked for depression. Seriously whatever it takes. The current situation is not healthy for anyone and not sustainable without some great impacts If most of the above things are not really new, just worsening, or you’ve just had enough… well, then I’ll leave the thread, because the only advice for that situation is to stop wasting your own life too and move on. I hope he can get some help to change things around. Good luck ---
**Author:** ![Tracijo67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@Tracijo67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracijo67)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/74 "2013-07-08T07:27:37Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > They look at family income. Not unless she co-signed. They look at personal, verifiable income only. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/75 "2013-07-08T07:54:00Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Seriously? You think people would be sympathetic to a stay-at-home wife who had the kids in full-time 9-5 daycare while she played video games, did not maintain the house beyond cooking three days a week, did not put any effort into her sex life, and made surprise big-ticket purchases while her spouse was at work? I think that’s everyone’s stereotypical nightmare wife! All you need is to throw in a large weight gain and maybe a bit of substance abuse and you have the sort of thing that men’s right people go gaga for. And since when did men’s rights people get an ounce of respect around here? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/76 "2013-07-08T12:07:27Z")
Without reading any of the responses, if I wanted to sum up the OP’s husband in one word, it would be **immature**. All the bad, and most of the good, characteristics make him sound like an adolescent. The big question is whether he can or will ever grow up. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/77 "2013-07-08T13:26:18Z")
You’ve laid out a lot of the details but have managed to not address what, for me, would be the most significant; is he open to change? Is he receptive to discussion? Can y’all talk about these issues? ( saying he’s ‘sacrificing’ by spending a day together as a family might indicate he’s not, but then, perhaps not, as well.) It seems to me husbands have other charms, in all cases. Mine is obstinate and contrary to frustrating degrees. But he’s still a keeper, and the only one for me. Because he’s open, in nature and in heart and mind. So, come what may, we can always talk about it. No promise of 100% favourable resolution, but it will all get addressed. If he’s open, then get talking. It doesn’t have to be resolved all at once. Start with the little things, work for progress, if only small, on the job search, or the housework, or the cooking, separately. How can anyone offer you sincere helpful advice without knowing if he’s even open to making any changes in these things? Is he aware of your feelings? Shouldn’t you be talking to him about these things instead of asking us to rate him on a scale of 1-10? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/78 "2013-07-08T13:31:49Z")
On a scale of 1 - 10, where a “1” is molesting the kid, beating you, and getting caught in bed with the woman next door; he’s a solid 2.5. Solid. ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/79 "2013-07-08T16:46:46Z")
You might want to have him get his testosterone levels checked. He seems to have some of the symptoms, or it could just be depression. I applaud your willingness to stick with him and love him during a low point in his life. It shows great character. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2013, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859/80 "2013-07-08T17:09:24Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Shouldn’t you be talking to him about these things instead of asking us to rate him on a scale of 1-10? Sometimes, you just need to be convinced that you’re not crazy to be upset. Some things I would not expect to change, like his attitude about sex and activities. If he was never that interested in sex, get yourself a vibrator to warm up with and/or finish off. If he doesn’t like the beach, just be happy that he’s showing up to help even though he doesn’t want to be there. Either way, don’t be angry or judgemental that he feels the way he feels. Understand what he’s able to give in these situations, and judge him based on that. Let’s take the beach argument. He doesn’t want to go, you want to go. You bring a bunch of stuff that he is going to wind up having to deal with in one way or another. Carrying the stuff, laying it out, gathering it up at the end, fitting it into the car, etc. He doesn’t want to go in the first place, and here you are making it more difficult for him by bringing a bunch of stuff you don’t need. You get exactly what you want, you go to the beach, you bring all your stuff, he gets none of what he wants, but is expected to be happy about his situation. I think a small concession on your part, cutting back a couple of items, and a sincere appreciation for the fact that he’s doing something he doesn’t want to do, because YOU asked him to do it, goes a long way. “I know you didn’t want to come to the beach, it really means a lot to me that you did.” I also agree that the home life stuff is possibly depression related, and the car thing is just no good at all. I’d put him at a 3-4 with the potential to improve. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-a-scale-of-1-to-10-how-crappy-is-my-husband/662859.md?page=5)