# on coming out of various closets **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 16, 2006, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606 "2006-03-16T16:03:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/1 "2006-03-16T16:03:30Z")
I’ve just had a painful conversation with an old friend, and I’m sitting here wondering if coming out ever gets any easier. Share, please, your stories. Not just queer people – anyone who has had to ‘come out’ to their friends and family about something. Religion (“I’m a member of the Sect of Necrotax, we believe a zombie accountant god”), politics (“Actually, I think women should have the right to vote”), your job (“Mom…Dad…I’m a fluffer.”), relationships (“From? He’s from around here, why do you ask?”), whatever. If anyone knows of previous threads on this, please do let me know; I’m still getting my search legs under me after years of guesting. I know there hasn’t been one recently, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/2 "2006-03-16T16:44:08Z")
Well, I can only speak of telling people that I’m gay, but yes, it does, at least for me. Telling those first people is ridiculously tough, but each person after that, it gets slightly easier, to the point now, to where I can talk about it to customers at work. (Like “Oh, you’re in X school’s band? My boyfriend is in the X school’s band! Yes, that’s him!”, not like “Your total is $4.66. I’m a homo.”) ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/3 "2006-03-16T16:55:54Z")
> [@chaoticbear](#): > > Well, I can only speak of telling people that I’m gay, but yes, it does, at least for me. Telling those first people is ridiculously tough, but each person after that, it gets slightly easier, to the point now, to where I can talk about it to customers at work. (Like “Oh, you’re in X school’s band? My boyfriend is in the X school’s band! Yes, that’s him!”, not like “Your total is $4.66. I’m a homo.”) Definitely didn’t mean to discourage other queer people, just wanted to leave it open. I first started coming out ten years ago, but – well, not getting into that, but there were some setbacks (thanks, religion). So I’m at a point where I have the out life and the in life, and I’m trying to just have the one life now. A lot of people know, a lot of other people…most of them in my family…don’t. Right now it feels like every conversation I have about it is painful and awkward. But the thing is, I just avoid everyone I haven’t told, so I’m going to lose them if I don’t tell them. I might lose them when I do, too, but at least then I won’t feel bad about it. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Madd\_Maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Madd\_Maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madd_Maxx)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/4 "2006-03-16T17:18:57Z")
> [@chaoticbear](#): > > “Your total is $4.66. I’m a homo.”) I don’t know why that is so damned funny, but it’s killing me! ---
**Author:** ![Mouse\_Maven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@Mouse\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mouse_Maven)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/5 "2006-03-16T17:27:56Z")
> [@Ensign Ediso](#): > > Religion “I’m a member of the Sect of Necrotax, we believe a zombie accountant god” Ah, **Ensign Edison** , that made my day. I live in two closets. The minor one is my religion, I’m a Pagan. Its not a very big deal, but due to the current political climate I’m very low key. When I do mention it, I usually get an “Oh, that’s interesting.” Sometimes I’m told “That’s not a really religion” or “You’re going to hell.” My response usually along the lines of “My faith is as real to me as your is to you” and “Its your hell, you go burn in it” or “Well, if I go there, I’ll look you up for a tour.” My second closet is a bigger deal. I was sexually assaulted in my teens by a family member. Because of this I was disowed by my family and I have spent years in therapy. Its not something everyone needs to know. I’ve told people who are (or were) close to me. Its very hard and it causes trouble in unexpected places. Job interview: “Why did you stop college and start again?” Small talk: “So, how’s your family?” Ignorant Boyfriend: “Doesn’t that make you a lesbian?” ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/6 "2006-03-16T17:32:11Z")
> [@Madd Maxx](#): > > I don’t know why that is so damned funny, but it’s killing me! 😃 Me too. LOL! ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/7 "2006-03-16T17:36:43Z")
> [@Madd Maxx](#): > > I don’t know why that is so damned funny, but it’s killing me! I dunno why, but this reminds me of The First Wives Club when the daughter comes out to her jerk dad and says, “I’m a lesbian…a BIG one.” Cracks me up! ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/8 "2006-03-16T17:36:51Z")
I “came out” to my parents about 8 years ago, about…my diagnosis of mental illness(BPD). I felt too ashamed to tell them about it for years - especially some of the behavior that went with it (promiscuity, suicide attempts, alcohol abuse, etc.). I also felt that I didn’t want them to “feel sorry” for me. And I _really_ didn’t want to get into any discussions about “why” I had this illness. My then-fiance (now husband) forced the issue - he insisted I tell them or he said he would. He called a meeting with them and sat us all down and announced that I had something to tell them. I really was not happy about it, but I guess it has not caused any harm - in a way, it’s a relief not to have to hide it any more, although we still don’t actually talk about it (which is probably one of those “why” factors, actually). ---
**Author:** ![MissMossie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@MissMossie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissMossie)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/9 "2006-03-16T17:42:13Z")
I’m currently coming out as someone discerning my vocation, praying really hard about where God is calling me and whether I will one day be Sister Mary Mossie instead of plain old Miss Mossie. The first person I told was my girlfriend. As you can imagine, that was hard. I don’t think that is the sort of thing that most atheistic lesbians worry about hearing. I’ve told a couple of my close friends and two out of three of my sisters. It has gotten easier, but it’s still hard. I think one of the things that makes coming out about anything hardest at first is a lot of times you’re coming out to the people you really care about. Do I care what the cashier at the grocery store thinks of me? Not really. Do I care what my mom thinks of me. You bet! For me, coming out to people I’m close to is harder than coming out to casual aquaintances. Coming out as a lesbian was only hard with my family. Socially, I’ve been out as queer since middle school. When all the other little girls were looking at boys, I was more interested in the other girls. My friends knew that and coming out wasn’t something I ever had to do, cause I was already there. Difficulty coming out as queer to my family has lessened as time goes on. My dad was the first person in my family that I told and saying, “I’m gay,” to him was amazingly hard. Since then, it’s gotten a bit easier. I’m now out as gay to two of my sisters, a brother-in-law, and my step-mom. I still have one sister and my mom to go and I know those two will be tough because they have the most negative thoughts about homosexuality. Generally, I think coming out does get easier as time goes on. I think it’s due a little bit to having practice and a lot due to who you’re coming out to. From what I gather, most people come out to loved ones first. That, for me, was harder than having the kid next to me in English class know I was gay. If you get the hard people out of the way first, then of course coming out will get easier. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s ever actually easy. There’s a scene in “Go Fish” that talks about having to come out for the rest of your life and whether you’ll ever be out enough. I wish I could paraphrase it better because it really hit home for me. Anywho, long story short, it got easier for me. It’s gotten easier for my friends who have had to come out. Chances are, it’ll get easier for you too. Good luck! -Mosquito ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/10 "2006-03-16T17:55:51Z")
I came out of the closet a few years ago-I admitted to my friends that I DIDN"T UNDERSTAND?LIKE FOOTBALL! I no longer get invited to Superbowl parties! Which is fine with me ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/11 "2006-03-16T18:10:57Z")
I’m an atheist. Now eat your peas. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/12 "2006-03-16T18:22:57Z")
I still have not come out as a Pagan to my mother’s family, and probably never will. They are all very strict Southern Baptists and I honestly believe it could literally kill my grandmother, who is 97. They live in a different state and I only see them every few years, if that often, so I see no reason to cause unnecessary pain. The only way they will find out will be if they attend my funeral. I do hope that is not the case. In general, all of my close friends know. Religion is not a topic I discuss much, but if asked I’m certainly not going to lie about it. I have a Buddhist sister-in-law and a close friend who is a converted Catholic. We have some really interesting discussions! ---
**Author:** ![Mouse\_Maven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@Mouse\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mouse_Maven)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/13 "2006-03-16T18:28:41Z")
> [@Snakescatlady](#): > > I still have not come out as a Pagan to my mother’s family, and probably never will. > > In general, all of my close friends know. Religion is not a topic I discuss much, but if asked I’m certainly not going to lie about it. I have a Buddhist sister-in-law and a close friend who is a converted Catholic. We have some really interesting discussions! My mother is Methodist. We have our disagreements. One of my favorite retorts to her is “You never give my brother any grief and he’s an _atheist_.” Being out as a Pagan at my work is a little tricky. We do organ transplant surgery on mice. There has been a time or two when I’ve had to state that I’m **not** in this line of work for “spell parts.” ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/14 "2006-03-16T18:30:57Z")
I plainly told both my brothers that I no longer want to ride motorcycles. They both refuse to accept it, and they keep offering to let me ride their bikes. I just don’t wanna, okay? I don’t enjoy it anymore. I like some steel around me when I’m moving that fast. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/15 "2006-03-16T18:35:07Z")
More like 16 years ago, actually, that I started coming out, now that I read back. > [@Madd Maxx](#): > > I don’t know why that is so damned funny, but it’s killing me! It reminds me of a story a female friend had about offering a guy on a plane a piece of gum. He said ‘I’m gay’. She said ‘Okay, but do you want some gum?’ We think he thought she was hitting on him. Or maybe she just interrupted his moment of truth. Either way, he did take the gum. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/16 "2006-03-16T18:37:38Z")
> [@](#): > > “I’m a member of the Sect of Necrotax, we believe a zombie accountant god” I’m not in any closet, but I love that quote. “I AM NECROTAX! AND YOUR ACCOUNT IS _OVERDUE!!_” ---
**Author:** ![Mouse\_Maven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@Mouse\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mouse_Maven)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/17 "2006-03-16T18:40:47Z")
> [@astro](#): > > I’m an atheist. Now eat your peas. Hee, hee, hee! I’m forwarding this to my brother. An conversation between a Pagan friend of mine and her 8 year-old son while we were shopping Kid: Are we Christian? Mom: No we’re not. Take this bread . . . The conversation got derailed because I was laughing. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/18 "2006-03-16T20:56:48Z")
I’ve never thought of it in those terms, but I’ve had to “come out” as someone who is totally uninterested in sex. I can’t tell you how many people ask me “Well, don’t you want a man.” My answer is either “That depends. WHOSE?” or “You don’t think I could get a man if I wanted one?” The people I have real trouble with are men who think they can bed anyone. I’ve had to threaten a few with police action if they don’t back off. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/19 "2006-03-16T21:07:59Z")
> [@MissMossie](#): > > I still have one sister and my mom to go and I know those two will be tough because they have the most negative thoughts about homosexuality. > > -Mosquito Think of it this way…they’ll have one less negative thought about homosexuality once you come out to them! Good luck! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606/20 "2006-03-16T21:37:41Z")
Coming out as gay has never been a big deal for me, at least after I figured it out myself. 🙂 The religion one is a bit harder, not because I don’t want people to know I’m a pagan but because my family would disown me (the gay thing was bad enough for them) and a lot of people I work with are very religious and I just don’t to have those conversations…“yes, I know about Jesus…yes, I know you think I’m going straight to hell.” etc. Though for the most part I’ll tell just about anyone just about anything they might want to know about me. I always ask “Are you sure you want me to answer that?” though. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-coming-out-of-various-closets/348606.md?page=2)