# On introversion and socialising **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 7, 2013, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575 "2013-08-07T11:20:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/241 "2013-09-28T20:29:49Z")
> [@Maeglin](#): > > Concern that someone is not “contributing to the festive atmosphere” is quite a bit different than genuine concern for someone’s well-being. Despite what you might think, it’s pretty easy to tell one from the other. So only attend parties where the host is sincerely concerned about his guests’ comfort and enjoyment, and never attend parties thrown by a host you resent. Problem solved. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/242 "2013-09-28T20:37:08Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > I never thought they were rude or awful, just awkward and uncomfortable. > > It’s social pressure _to you_. To a concerned host, _it’s concern_. > [@CLee](#): > > So only attend parties where the host is sincerely concerned about his guests’ comfort and enjoyment, and never attend parties thrown by a host you resent. Problem solved. Or… Only attend parties where the host knows you well enough to know when you are having a good time. Or… Only attend parties where the host isn’t obsessed over the emotional state of her guests. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/243 "2013-09-28T20:52:02Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Ah! This one. Even worst in my case since I can be pretty talkative…when I’m upset, nervous, anxious. The more anxious I get the more I talk to the point of logorrhea. And the better I feel, the more silent and contemplative I become. > > Which means that the better I feel, the more people ask me if I’m upset, and the worst I feel, the more they tell me how fine I seem to be. :smack: :dubious: Are you sure we’re not cousins? _Whips out the family tree_ As **Eva Luna** can attest, when I’m nervous I don’t shut the hell up unless someone staples my mouth shut :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/244 "2013-09-28T21:15:47Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > So only attend parties where the host is sincerely concerned about his guests’ comfort and enjoyment, and never attend parties thrown by a host you resent. Problem solved. That would be super. If all parties were strictly voluntary, believe me, I wouldn’t. Nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing you to go to an office party, my wife’s friend’s party whom I don’t particularly like, a good friend’s monstrously self-indulgent wedding, etc, but these events are quasi-voluntary at best. I’m just an introvert, not a complete misanthrope with no relationships. Or it could be more benign, like a party I would not go to ordinarily because I know no one but am doing a good friend a favor or something. I don’t advertise to everyone that I don’t want to be there with gratuitous sourness, but I can’t pretend to be the life of the party any better than the life of the party can pretend to be me. I don’t love the “are you having a good time” questions, but I accept that another person needs some social reassurance that I am not blaming him/her for my silence. So a smile and a “yeah, absolutely, thanks” should be enough. If someone can’t take me at my word the first time, then that person borders on concern trolling. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/245 "2013-09-28T21:21:02Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > I never thought they were rude or awful, just awkward and uncomfortable. Oh really? You might want to change your password then, because someone has been using your account to make posts like these: > [@CLee](#): > > Your disdain is showing, and that’s rude because you accepted an invitation to a party. > [@CLee](#): > > Those people who attend a rowdy, lively gathering then disparage the noisemakers are deliberately attempting to paint themselves as intellectually superior. > [@CLee](#): > > Do you really feel so persecuted that you have made yourself a victim of a _party_? For Pete’s sake, stay home. > [@CLee](#): > > It’s this unfounded defensiveness which instigates the “confrontation”. > [@CLee](#): > > The introverts each make disparaging comments about outgoing guests and show disdain for the concerned hosts. Get it? The extravert is concerned about your happiness and well-being, while the introvert applies a critical eye and barely concealed contempt for extroverts. > [@CLee](#): > > But if you think a glare or a terse “I’m fine” is the appropriate response to enthusiasm and concern, the problem is all yours, Wallflower. If you are in the minority and behaving differently from most of the other guests, you are likely to draw concern and attention to yourself. How you respond to that attention determines whether or not you will continue to enjoy your spot in the corner or sit there seething until you can get home and lash out. > > I’m not reading the same ire from extroverts that I’m seeing from the intros. > [@CLee](#): > > In the world where people in this thread admit glaring at concerned hosts, displaying hostility at those who make suggestions, and make disparaging remarks about outgoing personalities and demand to be left the fuck alone. Also the world in which the admitted loner at a party grows increasingly defensive when others make suggestions about blending in. > [@CLee](#): > > What the introverts are demanding here is the freedom to attend a party without contributing whatsoever to the festive atmosphere, and then expect special consideration for aberrant behavior. > [@CLee](#): > > If you’d rather attend parties quietly and awkwardly then seethe about it afterwards, please do go on. I’ll keep my input to myself. > > What irony is this, really, that the introverts become bullies in the online environment, or is this some weird cosmic justice to you? > [@CLee](#): > > Did you read the responses from the obviously angry and entitled party goers who insist on being left to stew in a corner unmolested? ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/246 "2013-09-28T22:16:56Z")
I don’t think introverts are rude. But the asocial, entitled party goers in this thread who tear down extroverts and who insist they be left alone and feel no obligation to participate in the festivities are incredibly rude. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/247 "2013-09-28T22:21:03Z")
I was just thinking the other day that the SDMB needs more **curlcoats** , and sure enough, **CLee** shows up. Providence? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/248 "2013-09-28T22:29:33Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > I don’t think introverts are rude. But the asocial, entitled party goers in this thread who tear down extroverts and who insist they be left alone and feel no obligation to participate in the festivities are incredibly rude. I have say, if you’re putting me in the position where I have to insist that I’m fine over and over again, it isn’t ME who is being incredibly rude. If you don’t want me at your party because you don’t think I’m sufficiently happy, just tell me to leave and I’ll never come back. But don’t make me uncomfortable by asking the same freakin’ question over and over again just because you have a strange fixation about proper party behavior. There is no universe in the hypermultiverse where putting your guests in such a situation is socially acceptable. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/249 "2013-09-28T22:30:10Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > I don’t think introverts are rude. But the asocial, entitled party goers in this thread who tear down extroverts and who insist they be left alone and feel no obligation to participate in the festivities are incredibly rude. And yet you keep hanging around this thread complaining about how rude people are being. I seem to remember that you had some advice for people who found themselves in this sort of situation. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/250 "2013-09-28T22:42:24Z")
I am not a frequent host and certainly don’t waste any time haunting quiet guests. But really I find it hard to believe that any of the angry introverts in this thread are bombarded with party invites. Being popular is such a burden, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/251 "2013-09-28T23:20:11Z")
You still don’t get it. We aren’t sullen teenagers. Much of the time, we end up acting just like extroverts do. It’s just that dealing with people who have your attitude is an infuriating chore. You seem to have a somewhat middle-school idea of what sort of person gets invited to parties. I have a wife, a family, a child, and I work in an organization. I have friends. Even if I were able to reach Mr. Badger levels of curmudgeon, I would still get routine invitations to things that would offend other people if I declined. I’m not talking about passing on next Tuesday night’s kegger at Alpha Beta Gamma, but social obligations that are required to maintain valued relationships with real people. Of course I go when it’s important to people I care about, and I try to make the best of it. Sometimes some peace and quiet is needed and I can’t just go outside for a walk, so I try to spend some time on the fringes of things. It’s a conscious choice, just like Xeroxing your ass on the copier during the company Christmas party is. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2013, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/252 "2013-09-28T23:52:36Z")
Do you get that your host is doing you a favor, and not the reverse? Providing a location, food, drinks, entertainment, music, clean-up services, clean and furnished kitchen and bathrooms, comfortable seating, circulating and ensuring that all the guests are well looked after and enjoying themselves, and all else that throwing a party entails? It’s exhausting, and I don’t enjoy it nearly as much as my extroverted husband. But I do get a kick out of watching others enjoy themselves and listening to tall tales and lively conversations. If I ever found that a guest of mine felt obligated, stressed, or in any way felt as though his mere presence was doing me a favor, I’d be mortified and I’d certainly never extend another invitation to that person. For those confessed introverts who admitted to enjoying the company but are inexperienced or disinterested in dancing or carousing, it really shouldn’t be much trouble to confess to the host that you are the introverted type who is happy to observe and take it all in. But only a couple of posters have admitted to that, most have expressed outright hostility at any attempt at checking on the quiet, lonely guest. There is really only one way to cope if one is that defensive, and that is to opt out. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2013, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/253 "2013-09-29T00:12:32Z")
Nonsense. The bridezilla or office busybody aren’t throwing parties to do their guests any favors. But all of this is completely, utterly beside the point. What might make someone defensive is not a show of concern, but the very idea that something has to be _wrong_ to be quiet in a party with so much FESTIVITY. That my reaction, which is perfectly normal and experienced by a large number of people, has to be dissected, explained, and justified in public. Nobody says, “John was talking to _everyone_, he couldn’t stand to be alone for a moment, I wonder what’s wrong with _him_?” No. He’s the default, he must have been having a great time. Even if he was desperately lonely, miserable, and hungry for attention, no one would feel the need to push him about his inner life in the middle of a party. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2013, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/254 "2013-09-29T00:15:31Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > I am not a frequent host and certainly don’t waste any time haunting quiet guests. Then why are you haunting this thread? You keep complaining about how people in this thread are so rude and awful and how they’re bullying you. Well, what was your advice for people in social situations that made them unhappy? It sure wasn’t “Hang around insulting people and whining about how mean they are.” If you can’t follow your own advice even on an Internet forum, why should anyone else listen to you? > [@](#): > > But really I find it hard to believe that any of the angry introverts in this thread are bombarded with party invites. Maybe that’s because you’ve just been making things up about how what terrible people the other posters in this thread are and what you’ve imagined has very little to do with reality. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2013, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/255 "2013-09-29T00:16:11Z")
> [@Maeglin](#): > > Nonsense. The bridezilla or office busybody aren’t throwing parties to do their guests any favors. Really? You have a lot of random people inviting you for food, company, entertainment, and hospitality? Is it safe to assume you need never eat at home? Because free food, entertainment, and a central gathering location that you do not have to prepare or clean up is, in fact, a favor to you and the least you can do is be gracious about it. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2013, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/256 "2013-09-29T00:36:31Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > But only a couple of posters have admitted to that, most have expressed outright hostility at any attempt at checking on the quiet, lonely guest. I’m still waiting for you to post an example of this. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2013, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/257 "2013-09-29T03:14:17Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > Really? You have a lot of random people inviting you for food, company, entertainment, and hospitality? Is it safe to assume you need never eat at home? Because free food, entertainment, and a central gathering location that you do not have to prepare or clean up is, in fact, a favor to you and the least you can do is be gracious about it. Do you really do it for the food? Honestly, I am fortunate enough to have a home, more than enough money, and a good dishwasher. I don’t need anyone’s freebies. It is a pleasure to be thought well enough of to be invited to anything, even if it is drinking MGD out of Solo cups and a few cocktail franks. Nobody is defending being ungracious, and graciousness is not in exchange for the service provided. My wife and I throw like to throw very lavish seven course dinner parties. It took us days of preparation and several hundred dollars in food and wine for six people maximum, including us. Before we had a kid, we would start at 4 and end at 11. By your logic, some of our repeat guests should be our indentured servants by now. But in reality, they’re the ones doing _us_ the favor. Entertaining is a hobby of ours that is growing less common in our city. Anyone willing to hang out with us for that long and try some of our outrageous kitchen experiments is a good friend. We are presuming on someone else’s time and creating an obligation by inviting that person. That’s what creates the social relation, not the free food. That’s so crass. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2013, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/258 "2013-09-29T12:55:09Z")
> [@Maeglin](#): > > Nonsense. The bridezilla or office busybody aren’t throwing parties to do their guests any favors. Your acquaintances invite you to parties for some unnamed, nefarious intent designed to make you feel uncomfortable… > [@Maeglin](#): > > My wife and I throw like to throw very lavish seven course dinner parties. It took us days of preparation and several hundred dollars in food and wine for six people maximum, including us. Before we had a kid, we would start at 4 and end at 11. By your logic, some of our repeat guests should be our indentured servants by now. But in reality, they’re the ones doing _us_ the favor. Entertaining is a hobby of ours that is growing less common in our city. Anyone willing to hang out with us for that long and try some of our outrageous kitchen experiments is a good friend. We are presuming on someone else’s time and creating an obligation by inviting that person. That’s what creates the social relation, not the free food. That’s so crass. Odd that you pat yourself on the back for making such a Herculean effort to make your guests feel as uncomfortable and put out as you do. Force them to endure the food and companionship of others for as many as seven hours? How cruel. ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Party](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a6a055/32.png) [@Tequila\_Party](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Party)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2013, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/259 "2013-09-29T17:17:06Z")
I have a question for the party throwers. If these introverts are such a drain on your parties, cause so much disruption, or just a general sense of malaise or whatever, why do _you_ keep inviting them? It may be incumbent on them to just stay home, but I’d think one way to fix _your_ problem with them is to leave them be. And I say this as an extrovert. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2013, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/260 "2013-09-29T17:42:31Z")
> [@Tequila\_Party](#): > > I have a question for the party throwers. If these introverts are such a drain on your parties, cause so much disruption, or just a general sense of malaise or whatever, why do _you_ keep inviting them? It may be incumbent on them to just stay home, but I’d think one way to fix _your_ problem with them is to leave them be. And I say this as an extrovert. This, exactly. I would never invite someone to my house if I didn’t know exactly how they roll. So it seems to me that if you keep finding yourself with guests in your home who you don’t know how to read, then maybe you need to stop inviting complete strangers to your intimate affairs. And the idea that a party is a “favor” to ones guests is ludicrously egotistical. No one forces a host to throw a party. They do so on their own volition, presumably because they are in the mood to celebrate with friends and family. So if you have the balls to _ask_ people to celebrate with you, then you need to be prepared to handle the personalities of those people and not expect them to change to suit your preferences. That’s not being a good friend at all. The host who doesn’t want to deal with quiet people has no business asking quiet people to celebrate with them. It’s not the responsibility of quiet people to act in a way that is unnatural and uncomfortable for them. Their only responsibility is to have the same personality they usually have, for it is _this_ personality the host would be most familiar with. This is the personality the host should expect and plan for. If the host doesn’t like their guests’ personalities, they shouldn’t have been on the invitation list. If you want a rowdy party, you should invite only rowdy people. If some non-rowdy people show up and for some reason this is totally horrible and inappropriate, you only have yourself to blame. This is so simple a baby can understand it. But I expect it won’t be. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575.md?page=14)