# On introversion and socialising **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 7, 2013, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575 "2013-08-07T11:20:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2013, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/81 "2013-08-07T21:22:01Z")
> [@tripthicket](#): > > Shy, obnoxious, introvert, extrovert–I think I am all of these at once, to varying degrees and fluidly, from moment to moment, and from situation to situation. It’s my general belief that this is the reason labels are an entirely useless convention. If you’re going to put people into pigeonholes, you’re going to need more than 7 billion pigeonholes, and more on order. Well, these categories, and personality models like Myers-Briggs, are just that, models. They’re not supposed to completely describe your personality, just to tell you something about yourself, show tendencies, and give you something of a skeleton to hang your ideas about yourself and others on. Models are \*supposed \*to be simpler than reality. That’s kind of the point of having models. As for extroversion/introversion, there’s a good chance that you fall near the middle of the scale. Lots of people do. Kind of a boring fact, really, but there you go. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2013, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/82 "2013-08-07T23:03:57Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I am an introvert, but I can talk to almost anyone. I can make small talk, make friends, go to parties, etc. I’m good with people and good in social situations, I just get drained by it. I can’t. I’m both an introvert and shy/socially anxious. I’m OK one-on-one or with a few people, but put me in a large group and anxiety takes over. try to make me the center of attention and I’m outta there. I’ve asked people to stop inviting me to things because I know I can’t work up the nerve to go. Thankfully they’ve obliged. > [@](#): > > What I don’t have is the contempt a few of the introverts in this thread have for other people. I like people. it’s not “contempt,” it’s “why can’t you grasp that we want to be left the fuck alone?” PROTIP: we aren’t secretly hoping you’ll help break us out of our “shell.” We seriously want you to back off. ---
**Author:** ![slm2955](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c6cbf5/32.png) [@slm2955](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slm2955)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2013, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/83 "2013-08-07T23:09:13Z")
It’s a comfort level thing some people are more comfy being reserved/behind the scenes ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2013, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/84 "2013-08-07T23:20:30Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > it’s not “contempt,” it’s “why can’t you grasp that we want to be left the fuck alone?” PROTIP: we aren’t secretly hoping you’ll help break us out of our “shell.” We seriously want you to back off. There’s a lot of (paraphrased) “Other people are boring and stupid and they talk about boring, stupid things” in threads like these. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2013, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/85 "2013-08-07T23:29:57Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > No, “A” is not a “toxic person”. More, likely “A” the saddest creature I can imagine: A shy extravert, or even an extravert with severe social anxiety - someone who wants to interact with other people and desperately wish they could, because they need those other people to feel OK, but doing so makes them scared and overly self-conscious. At least if you’re a shy introvert, you don’t actually suffer so much from missing out on the company of others. > > Spare a thought for the shy extraverts, people. > > Also, “B” does not describe all real introverts. Many may not feel anxiety at all in the described scenario, just lack of energy. I don’t think you understood what I meant by either A or B - perhaps my fault for not writing clearly. But the defining characteristic of person A is not their level of shyness or where they fall on the introvert/extrovert scale - it is their obsession with what other people think of them (which, to be fair, some people do claim is an aspect of shyness). That alone does not make someone a toxic personality, granted. Yet in my experience it goes hand in hand with being toxic. And toxic people ARE sad - whether you read that statement to mean “they feel unhappy inside” or “they are pitiable creatures.” Having said that, I’m not deeply attached to my commentary about the “A” person. Maybe it’s wrong. As to person B, I never said that person B “feels anxiety.” I’m not sure where you got that. As a prime example of the B type myself, I’m gonna hold fast to the idea that this does represent a “true” introvert. My favorite part of this thread is the discussion of the fact that extroversion shouldn’t be equated with good social skills and introversion shouldn’t be equated with bad ones. I wholeheartedly agree with that. People in this thread clearly don’t have identical definitions of what an “introvert” is, but the one I subscribe to (and which several posters have alluded to) is: - An _extrovert_ is someone who obtains intellectual/emotional energy through interacting with other people. When they are alone, they expend this energy. - An _introvert_ is someone who obtains intellectual/emotional energy through solitude. When they interact with other people, they expend this energy. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2013, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/86 "2013-08-07T23:33:04Z")
I can keep up my end in a small talk and social stuff. The problem for me is that socializing is fine for only the first few minutes. Almost kinda-sorta enjoyable. But then against my will I start losing interest fast. My participation defaults to “phony mode”, where I pretend to be interested in the mundane and pointless conversations around me. And then, because acting is exhausting, I have to bail out. If I don’t I start hating everyone in the room. I hate answering questions. I can ask everyone else a million questions, but as soon as the questions turn towards me, I get all weird. I think it’s a combination of me not being able to speak well off the cuff and me being an extremely private person. So it may not be an introversion thing at all, but rather something else in my personality. I do try to be a good participant when I’m socializing with others, because I get that quiet deadface people are no fun. I actively avoid doing the special snowflake thing out of fear of being labeled a “special snowflake” And years of “why are you so quiet?” have trained me to pipe up every now and again. I have a quick mind when it comes to funny one-liners, so I use these when the questions get personal. But I don’t enjoy the social dance people do. Most people who meet me can tell this right away. I wish I wasn’t so asocial because I think I’m missing out on good life experiences. Sometimes I get down on myself because of it. And I’m trying hard to fight it (like by eating lunch with other people). But every year I get older, the detachment gets worse. ---
**Author:** ![LMarie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c68b51/32.png) [@LMarie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LMarie)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2013, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/87 "2013-08-07T23:44:24Z")
Speaking of introverts: [6 Things You Thought Wrong About Introverts](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/29/introvert-myths_n_3569058.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular) As an introvert, I found some truth in this article. I’m not particularly shy. I actually enjoy public speaking and, upon meeting me, most people think I’m a ball of social sunshine. However, most of the time I’m more interested in my own company and spending quiet time pursuing my own interests. Socializing takes a fair amount of energy from me and no matter how much I enjoy the company of others, I need “me time” to regain that energy. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/88 "2013-08-08T00:01:40Z")
> [@LMarie](#): > > Speaking of introverts: [6 Things You Thought Wrong About Introverts](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/29/introvert-myths_n_3569058.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular) I’m thinking now that one lesson from that link, and this thread, is this: Introversion doesn’t actually describe, or necessarily correlate with, a lot of the traits that you (general “you”) probably though it did, such as shyness, misanthropy or social awkwardness. Unfortunately, regardless of this, the shy, misanthropic and socially awkward people you know… are still just as shy, misanthropic and socially awkward. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/89 "2013-08-08T00:13:39Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > There’s a lot of (paraphrased) “Other people are boring and stupid and they talk about boring, stupid things” in threads like these. no, it’s “You’re talking just for the sake of talking.” It’s like some people I work with. We have a conversation, and it ends with the agreement that the other person is going to do _\._ I turn away as though the conversation is over. Then the other person pipes up with “OK, well, I’m just going to see _\_ and do _\._” Uh yeah, we’ve already agreed on that, you don’t need to tell me what we just talked about. You just don’t know when the fucking conversation is over and just want to keep talking. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/90 "2013-08-08T00:37:44Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > There’s a lot of (paraphrased) “Other people are boring and stupid and they talk about boring, stupid things” in threads like these. Small talk, by definition, is mundane and pointless. It doesn’t take a long time for mundane and pointless to decay into boring and stupid. I try to actively participate in small talk because I just can’t tolerate “boring and stupid”, and I feel like a person can’t complain too much if they don’t try to be a part of the solution. As soon as I sense the conversation heading into boring and stupid territory, I’ll change the subject fast, without even trying to be subtle about it. Otherwise, I’ll have to leave the room. Fear of “boring and stupid” is a major reason why i don’t like socializing. I feel like a boring and stupid person when I’m socializing. My thoughts are much more exciting and intelligent-sounding than the words that come out of my mouth. And I also like people more when I’m around them in their “natural state” versus a social setting. They seem more exciting and intelligent too. Not saying I’m right to feel this way. It’s just how it is for me. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/91 "2013-08-08T00:47:10Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > no, it’s “You’re talking just for the sake of talking.” It’s like some people I work with. We have a conversation, and it ends with the agreement that the other person is going to do _\._ I turn away as though the conversation is over. Then the other person pipes up with “OK, well, I’m just going to see _\_ and do _\._” Uh yeah, we’ve already agreed on that, you don’t need to tell me what we just talked about. You just don’t know when the fucking conversation is over and just want to keep talking. This is what the non-contempt looks like? ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/92 "2013-08-08T00:49:05Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > This is what the non-contempt looks like? if you want to frame it as contempt, so be it. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/93 "2013-08-08T00:52:09Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Small talk, by definition, is mundane and pointless. It doesn’t take a long time for mundane and pointless to decay into boring and stupid. I would argue that small talk, by definition, is small and generally mundane, but its point is to have a social interaction with low stakes to give both parties time to show friendliness, willingness to expend a little effort, and affability. And small talk doesn’t have to stay small. It can be pushed into a different direction once the general “feeling out” period is over. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/94 "2013-08-08T00:53:51Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I would argue that small talk, by definition, is small and generally mundane, but its point is to have a social interaction with low stakes to give both parties time to show friendliness, willingness to expend a little effort, and affability. > > And small talk doesn’t have to stay small. It can be pushed into a different direction once the general “feeling out” period is over. but if someone doesn’t want to push it into a different direction, you jump to the conclusion that they find you contemptible. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/95 "2013-08-08T00:56:00Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > but if someone doesn’t want to push it into a different direction, you jump to the conclusion that they find you contemptible. Yeah, okay. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/96 "2013-08-08T00:58:17Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Yeah, okay. ah, yes. you make a declaration, someone challenges your declaration, and you brush it off with a “yeah, okay.” whatever. look, me saying “you do something I don’t like” or “you do something that bothers me” isn’t contempt. Contempt would be “I dislike you because of _whatever reason._” I never said I disliked the people I complain about. I only said they do things I don’t like. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/97 "2013-08-08T01:02:38Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > ah, yes. you make a declaration, someone challenges your declaration, and you brush it off with a “yeah, okay.” > > whatever. > > look, me saying “you do something I don’t like” or “you do something that bothers me” isn’t contempt. Contempt would be “I dislike you because of _whatever reason._” I never said I disliked the people I complain about. I only said they do things I don’t like. So, here’s the time when I point out the irony of your continuing a conversation past the point where I’m interested, right? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/98 "2013-08-08T01:10:24Z")
LOL. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/99 "2013-08-08T02:25:13Z")
> [@Pabitel](#): > > I think we’re confusing introversion with shyness here. Most introverts don’t feel the drain of interacting with a group if they are “alone” in a role while with the group. If you are there in a role like teacher, technical consultant or speaker you aren’t really a part of the group and don’t feel drained like you would interacting as just yourself. Eh…I’m not shy, and I certainly do these things without any stage fright due to having a good deal of experience with public speaking, but the interaction with others _is_ still draining if it goes on long. Besides, I thought the basic determiner if one is introverted or extroverted is entirely centered around if you are drained or energized by social interaction. ---
**Author:** ![LMarie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c68b51/32.png) [@LMarie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LMarie)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575/100 "2013-08-08T07:02:12Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > I’m thinking now that one lesson from that link, and this thread, is this: > > Introversion doesn’t actually describe, or necessarily correlate with, a lot of the traits that you (general “you”) probably though it did, such as shyness, misanthropy or social awkwardness. > > Unfortunately, regardless of this, the shy, misanthropic and socially awkward people you know… are still just as shy, misanthropic and socially awkward. Yes, and most people won’t even bother to figure out the difference between us all. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-introversion-and-socialising/665575.md?page=6)