# On-Line Dating, Cont'd
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [November 27, 2004, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928 "2004-11-27T23:13:09Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2004, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/1 "2004-11-27T23:13:09Z")
Conversations about on-line dating have popped up from time to time, but I kind of accidentally started a hijack in [a GQ thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=288286) that I think would be better continued here. Please feel free to ignore this thread if you feel that the subject of on-line dating is completely played out. š The site being discussed is [OK Cupid](http://www.okcupid.com/).
> [@Garfield226](#):
>
> But seriously, keep with it, itās fun and at least cool to meet people to chat with on.
Thatās another thing: Iām not interested in just chatting with anyone. I only want to chat/message people that thereās a chance of meeting in real life. A few of the questions I came across seem to treat the āmeet in real lifeā thing as completely optional . . . but isnāt that the point??
> [@](#):
>
> _Soā¦who are you?_
Honestly, Iād rather not say. š Iām not interested in having my profile critiqued (not that you would, but others might), and Iām not even sure how much longer Iāll be hanging out there. I _will_ tell you that the pictures I have posted there match the ones in my TM profile. š
> [@scr4](#):
>
> OK, thanks. I was just wondering if it might be standard practice for women to put up free profiles, and only the guys pay to send messages.
Naw. It might be that way for some folks, but itās no standard practice that Iāve ever heard of.
> [@](#):
>
> > [@Me](#):
> >
> > The main thing I donāt like [about [OkCupid.com](http://OkCupid.com)] is that when I do a search, I canāt filter out certain things.
>
> _If you go through a lot of the questions under āanswer questionsā, you should run into questions about smoking._
Oh, Iāve seen those, and I answered accordingly. But what Iām talking about is when I do a search for matches: thereās no way to say āno smokers, please.ā
> [@](#):
>
> _By the way, what do you have under āyou should message me ifā¦ā that people are ignoring? Iām just curious. Most people seem to have pretty vague, generic statements in there._
ā **You should message me if** : You are no younger than 30 and no older than 45; you live within 15 miles of me; you donāt smoke; and you have a reasonable handle on the grammar/spelling of the English language. Everything else we can play by ear. :)ā
I plan to edit that statement to soften the wording, but all of those ādemandsā will remain in there.
---
### Author:  [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2004, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/2 "2004-11-28T00:33:26Z")
Seems like most people ignore anything about who youāre looking for. The profile I have up (not on okcupid) specifically and clearly states what kind of man Iām looking for- very strong, confident. alpha male, highly intelligent- yet Iām constantly getting responses from young, weak, mamaās boys that are intimidated by strong women and donāt even know how to carry a conversation. I hate it when they IM you and after āhiā they expect you to do all the talking.
Iām becoming pretty frustrated with online dating, if you canāt tell. Maybe Iāll try okcupid as a last resort.
---
### Author:  [@Ms2001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms2001)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2004, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/3 "2004-11-28T01:08:54Z")
> [@Misnomer](#):
>
> Thatās another thing: Iām not interested in just chatting with anyone. I only want to chat/message people that thereās a chance of meeting in real life. A few of the questions I came across seem to treat the āmeet in real lifeā thing as completely optional . . . but isnāt that the point??
Well, some people probably use the site just to find online pen pals. But if youāre just looking for people you could meet in real life, thatās what the Local Matches feature is for.
> [@](#):
>
> Oh, Iāve seen those, and I answered accordingly. But what Iām talking about is when I do a search for matches: thereās no way to say āno smokers, please.ā
Indeed. If smoking is an absolute deal breaker for you, youāll have to look at the individual profiles to see whoās a smoker.
> [@](#):
>
> ā **You should message me if** : You are no younger than 30 and no older than 45; you live within 15 miles of me; you donāt smoke; and you have a reasonable handle on the grammar/spelling of the English language. Everything else we can play by ear. :)ā
The grammar/spelling demand seems a little frivolous, but hey, theyāre your matches. Iād suggest putting YOU DONāT SMOKE in caps or otherwise highlighting it, and also mentioning your nonsmoking preference in your self-summary.
---
### Author:  [@Ms2001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms2001)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2004, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/4 "2004-11-28T01:13:25Z")
> [@trublmakr](#):
>
> Seems like most people ignore anything about who youāre looking for. The profile I have up (not on okcupid) specifically and clearly states what kind of man Iām looking for- very strong, confident. alpha male, highly intelligent- yet Iām constantly getting responses from young, weak, mamaās boys that are intimidated by strong women and donāt even know how to carry a conversation.
Well, consider what youāre trying to do - you expect those guys to look at your profile and think āno, Iām weak, insecure, and stupid, so I better not message herā? Plenty of people think theyāre confident and intelligent, whether they really are or not.
---
### Author:  [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2004, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/5 "2004-11-28T01:28:03Z")
> [@Mr2001](#):
>
> - you expect those guys to look at your profile and think āno, Iām weak, insecure, and stupid, so I better not message herā?
Um, I often think that. ā¹
---
### Author:  [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2004, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/6 "2004-11-28T03:51:51Z")
> [@trublmakr](#):
>
> Seems like most people ignore anything about who youāre looking for.
Yes, itās something Iāve noticed on every site that Iāve tried. I got a message this afternoon from someone who deliberately (and with a sense of humour) checked off all of my ārequirements.ā Nothing in his profile sends up any red flags, so I will be messaging him back this weekend. š
> [@Mr2001](#):
>
> The grammar/spelling demand seems a little frivolous, but hey, theyāre your matches.
As you say, they are _my_ matches, but if youād gotten as many poorly-written messages over the years as I have you would include that requirement as well. I write for a living, and I really donāt think that having a āreasonable handle on the grammar and spelling of the English languageā is too much to ask of someone ā especially when he has chosen to communicate in writing. A recent example of exactly what Iām not looking for ā but what I get all too often ā is this message, which came in early this morning:
"I like your mesagge and love Your photo. I meet to you. You is beatiful girl. Please you write message me. good days "
Now, the guy who sent it is in Turkey, so I donāt ājudgeā his English at all. What will keep me from writing back, however, is that he ignored _every single thing_ I mentioned in the āsend me a message ifā¦ā statement.
> [@](#):
>
> _Iād suggest putting YOU DONāT SMOKE in caps or otherwise highlighting it, and also mentioning your nonsmoking preference in your self-summary._
Except that it says something to me if someone ignores the āsend me a message ifā¦ā statement. Consider it my own, personal test of sorts. š
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### Author:  [@saramamalana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saramamalana)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2004, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/7 "2004-11-28T05:14:58Z")
**Misnomer** , itās definitely better that you started this thread because my question in that thread had been answered anyway.
What bugs me is when my profile says Iām interested in men ages 22-28 (something like that) within a 50 mile radius, and Iāve gotten so many winks/messages/whatever from guys that were like 35+ in Idaho or California. Guys, I put those specs there for a reason. I appreciate the nod, but please, check the specs.
BTW, I did end up joining with the free trial and I noted the āwe will charge you if you donāt cancelā aspect. I joined, wrote the email including my regular email addy, and cancelled the subscription the next day. So now weāre emailing but not with great frequency yet. He seems pretty cool but I honestly donāt know when I could make time to meet up with him somewhere, and thatās unfortunate. Guess Iāll just have to see where this goes.
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### Author:  [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2004, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/8 "2004-11-28T20:12:18Z")
I donāt know the site youāre on, but I do want to say that the distance thing doesnāt have to be a deal breaker.
My husband is from Louisville. Iām from central Ohio. We got married in '97 after meeting online.
Sorry for the hijack.
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### Author:  [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2004, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/9 "2004-11-28T20:59:39Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#):
>
> I donāt know the site youāre on, but I do want to say that the distance thing doesnāt have to be a deal breaker.
The distance thing isnāt a deal-breaker _for some people_. Like you and your husband. š For others, it is ā though even **saramamalana** ās 50-mile radius is too generous for my taste: Iām not willing to drive an hour, in some of the worst traffic in the U.S. (which will make it longer than an hour), for a date with someone Iām still getting to know.
I am not interested in being pen pals with someone, nor am I interested in drawn-out, on-line ācourting.ā Iām not into e-mailing someone for more than a month or so without meeting him. If the site helps me connect with someone, and we are still interested in each other after a few e-mails, and maybe one or two phone calls, I want to meet (I donāt consider that first meeting to be a ādate,ā btw). If the first meeting goes well, itās time to arrange a date. And so on, and so on. E-mail is great, and itās fun to exchange mail between dates, but there have to _be_ dates.
For me, on-line dating profiles, personal ads, etc. only exist so that I can meet people in real life. Others will have different expectations, of course, but I see no reason why I shouldnāt mention the distance thing if itās important to me.
**Saramamalana** is on [Match.com](http://www.match.com), and I mentioned (and linked to) the site Iām on in the OP: [OK Cupid](http://www.okcupid.com/). š
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### Author:  [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/10 "2004-11-29T00:58:06Z")
Thereās another free dating site that runs along the lines of more traditional sites like match and yahoo:
[http://www.matchdoctor.com](http://www.matchdoctor.com)
It has some pretty good features like space for an in depth profile and whatnot. It also has an online chat feature. There are a great number of members/personals in many age ranges as well.
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### Author:  [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/11 "2004-11-29T03:13:52Z")
> [@Misnomer](#):
>
> I plan to edit that statement to soften the wording, but all of those ādemandsā will remain in there.
The new and improved āYou should message me ifā¦ā statement:
> [@](#):
>
> **You are no younger than 30 and no older than 45** : Iām not discounting the fact that there are some awesome 29- and 46-year-olds out there in OK Cupid land, but there has to be someplace to start, and this is the age range Iām comfortable with. š
>
> **You live within 20 miles of me** : Iām not looking for marriage, but I am looking for dates. Which means in person. Which means we canāt live so far away from each other that it takes an act of Congress to set up a get-together.
>
> **You donāt smoke** : I have nothing against smokers in general, and I donāt mind being in smokey places (like bars), but Iād rather not date a smoker.
>
> **You have a reasonable handle on the grammar/spelling of the English language** : Iāve heard this request called āfrivolous,ā but I write for a living and Iām an English major so itās important to me. If youāre ever even tempted to write ārā instead of āare,ā Iām not the girl for you.
>
> Everything else, we can play by ear. š
Like the nod to you, **Mr2001**? š
---
### Author:  [@Ms2001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms2001)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/12 "2004-11-29T12:03:46Z")
Heh, nice.
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### Author:  [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/13 "2004-11-29T16:44:37Z")
By the way, does anyone have experience with eHarmony or TheraDate? I hear their radio ads all the time but thatās all I know. I take it these are more expensive and āseriousā than [match.com](http://match.com) and the like?
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### Author:  [@dublos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dublos)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/14 "2004-11-29T16:55:51Z")
> [@trublmakr](#):
>
> Seems like most people ignore anything about who youāre looking for. The profile I have up (not on okcupid) specifically and clearly states what kind of man Iām looking for- very strong, confident. alpha male, highly intelligent- yet Iām constantly getting responses from young, weak, mamaās boys that are intimidated by strong women and donāt even know how to carry a conversation. I hate it when they IM you and after āhiā they expect you to do all the talking.
> Iām becoming pretty frustrated with online dating, if you canāt tell. Maybe Iāll try okcupid as a last resort.
So are you searching profiles and contacting potential alpha male types you find or are you mostly trying to sift teh sheat from the chaff of the responses you get?
Iām a relatively odd bird when it comes to online dating, even though I know that as a male the ratio is highly against me I write very few women and have much better luck with those that contact me first.
---
### Author:  [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/15 "2004-11-29T20:26:36Z")
Iām thinking about getting back into on-line dating again after I graduate college (who knows, maybe the degree will help sweeten the deal! š ). I have tried it before two or three times, but I NEVER got any inquiries. It wasnāt very good on my ego. I messaged women I was interested in, but never got any replies. Needless to say, it made me feel rather undesirable.
However, this next time Iām going to be much more aggressive about it- Iāll post a flattering (but recent) photo of myself, and an honest and upbeat profile. Lately I have been interested in women who are older than I am, but I know many older women arenāt interested in guys in their early 20ās, possibly because they think they are too immature. I am hoping that by dating older women, Iāll be more likely to meet someone who knows what they want and has enough life experience to have realistic standards. Even if I get turned down ruthlessly, I will at least learn from it, helping my chances in the future.
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### Author:  [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/16 "2004-11-29T21:03:02Z")
> [@scr4](#):
>
> By the way, does anyone have experience with eHarmony or TheraDate? I hear their radio ads all the time but thatās all I know. I take it these are more expensive and āseriousā than [match.com](http://match.com) and the like?
I logged in to eHarmony once, when they were still very new and offering their personality test for free (which they might still be, I dunno). I didnāt see it as different enough from any other site to be worth creating a new profile ā plus, at the time, there werenāt many members in my area. I donāt remember it being more expensive than any other site. Frankly, it seems like the questions and tests on OK Cupid are similar to any results youād get on eHarmony. š
> [@Incubus](#):
>
> Iām thinking about getting back into on-line dating again
Every time Iāve put up an on-line profile, Iāve wound up quitting a month later and swearing Iāll never do it again . . . but _x_ months/years later, Iām back on line. :smack:
I also constantly debate myself about whether being on line is ādesperate.ā On one hand, there will be a _lot_ of disappointment and failed first meetings, but on the other hand itās not like Iām meeting men any other way. I think thereās less stigma attached to on-line dating than there used to be, but part of me still cringes a little. This OK Cupid site is palatable to me because 1) itās free, 2) itās kind of fun, and 3) itās free. š
> [@](#):
>
> _Even if I get turned down ruthlessly, I will at least learn from it, helping my chances in the future._
You know, it sounds cheesey, but every time I go through an on-line dating cycle it really _does_ help me learn more about what Iām looking for (and not looking for). I learn more about myself, too.
Go for it! š
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### Author:  [@av8rmike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/av8rmike)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/17 "2004-11-29T21:51:31Z")
hi misnomer!
i think U R a QT!
IM me!
KTHXBYE!
---
### Author:  [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/18 "2004-11-29T22:05:12Z")
> [@Misnomer](#):
>
> I logged in to eHarmony once, when they were still very new and offering their personality test for free
Actually Iāve gone that far too, but been hesitnant to pay the fee ($49/month, IIRC). Although I just checked the junk e-mail theyāve been sending me and thereās a promotion for 3 months for the price of one, so I might try that.
It sucks to be in a small cityā¦ On OkCupid, I think thereās only one female user within 30 miles of me and within 5 years of my age. There are more on Yahoo Personals, but 9 out of 10 indicate theyāre only interested in Caucasians. :rolleyes:
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### Author:  [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/19 "2004-11-29T22:46:02Z")
> [@av8rmike](#):
>
> hi misnomer!
>
> i think U R a QT!
>
> IM me!
>
> KTHXBYE!
I donāt know whether to laugh or cry. . .
š
> [@scr4](#):
>
> Actually Iāve gone that far too, but been hesitnant to pay the fee ($49/month, IIRC).
$50 a month?!? :eek:
> [@](#):
>
> _It sucks to be in a small cityā¦ On OkCupid, I think thereās only one female user within 30 miles of me and within 5 years of my age._
Bummer! But it doesnāt seem to be that much better in a large metro area: when I do a search for guys my age within a 20-mile radius, I only get about 10 results. But then at the top of the results set it says ā_X_ best of _X_ random local users,ā so I wonder if theyāre holding back? Theyāre showing me _X_ random local users, but could they be showing me _X_+_x_ random local users?
(And _thatās_ about as far as my math skills go, folks! š )
> [@](#):
>
> \*There are more on Yahoo Personals, but 9 out of 10 indicate theyāre only interested in Caucasians. :rolleyes: \*
Really? I mean, I believe you, it just surprises me. Disappoints me, too. Itās been quite a while since Iāve looked at Yahoo Personals.
---
### Author:  [@Ms2001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms2001)
#### Post date: [November 29, 2004, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/20 "2004-11-29T22:48:32Z")
> [@Misnomer](#):
>
> Bummer! But it doesnāt seem to be that much better in a large metro area: when I do a search for guys my age within a 20-mile radius, I only get about 10 results. But then at the top of the results set it says ā_X_ best of _X_ random local users,ā so I wonder if theyāre holding back? Theyāre showing me _X_ random local users, but could they be showing me _X_+_x_ random local users?
If you go back every so often, youāll see different local matches.
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