# On-Line Dating, Cont'd **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 27, 2004, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928 "2004-11-27T23:13:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![av8rmike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@av8rmike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/av8rmike)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/21 "2004-11-30T04:27:12Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. . . > > 😛 Laugh, please! And then IM me. 😛 Back to the theme at hand, I’ve had luck ranging from “marginal” to “good” with the on-line dating stuff, but I was using a fairly specific-themed site. I’ve never used [match.com](http://match.com), but I used Yahoo! personals a few times. I haven’t needed to use anything in the past few months, however. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/22 "2004-11-30T05:06:03Z")
> [@trublmakr](#): > > Seems like most people ignore anything about who you’re looking for. The profile I have up (not on okcupid) specifically and clearly states what kind of man I’m looking for- very strong, confident. alpha male, highly intelligent- yet I’m constantly getting responses from young, weak, mama’s boys that are intimidated by strong women and don’t even know how to carry a conversation. I hate it when they IM you and after “hi” they expect you to do all the talking. . Funny you should complain about that. Mrs. RickJay’s best friend, who I will call, uh, Bestfriend, is doing online dating right now and I am regularly informed as to her progress. Her absolute #1 problem is that guys won’t ask her out. they’ll IM her for weeks, talk on the phone, HINT that they want a date, but don’t have the guts to do it. I think part of the problem here is that Internet dating will tend by its nature to draw shy people who have trouble meeting folks in person - in other words, the type of person you aren’t looking for. It’s not that they’re deliberately ignoring your request; you’re just attacking a pool of available men who are disproportionately unlikely to understand you. Now, not all men online are like that. I was an assertive, date-every-woman-I-can-ask guy, and I met Mrs. RickJay online. Don’t give up hope, folks, it can and does work. We are happily married, and my best friend has met the love of his life on eHarmony. So keep looking. We’re off the market but I’m sure there’s more like us. 🙂 But one more comment to those complaining about lack of success in online dating: **Since when was meeting people any OTHER way any more successful than meeting them online?** ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/23 "2004-11-30T05:17:46Z")
This weekend I did both okcupid and matchdoctor, and have struck (stricken?) up conversations with not one, but TWO, lucky contestants. They both appear (UNCANNILY) to be my type, both very charming and intelligent and profound. From their pictures, they even have a similiar look to them. Weird. I’m feeling much better about this online dating thing. ---
**Author:** ![Ms2001](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ms2001/32/18463_2.png) [@Ms2001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms2001)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/24 "2004-11-30T06:51:06Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Funny you should complain about that. Mrs. RickJay’s best friend, who I will call, uh, Bestfriend, is doing online dating right now and I am regularly informed as to her progress. > > Her absolute #1 problem is that guys won’t ask her out. they’ll IM her for weeks, talk on the phone, HINT that they want a date, but don’t have the guts to do it. Sounds like it’s time for her to take the lead. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/25 "2004-11-30T08:05:56Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > [[eharmony.com](http://eharmony.com)] > $50 a month?!? :eek: For the standard monthly rate, yes. If you pay for the whole year it’s $249/yr. And after you take the free test, I think they’ll e-mail you a promotion code for $50 for the first 3 months. Anyway I bit the bullet and signed up for the 3 months so I’ll let you guys know how it works out… > [@](#): > > Bummer! But it doesn’t seem to be that much better in a large metro area: when I do a search for guys my age within a 20-mile radius [on OkCupid], I only get about 10 results. But then at the top of the results set it says “_X_ best of _X_ random local users,” so I wonder if they’re holding back? If you just click on “Local matches” again, you should get a different set of X users each time. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/26 "2004-11-30T09:50:32Z")
So much for composing long, detailed, heartfelt responses: Abandoning my usual approach, tonight I sent e-mails to two personal ads with the subject line “REPLY TO ME! REPLY TO ME! REPLY TO ME NOW! ROARRRRRRR!!!” And I’m two-for-two getting replies. What has online dating come to? ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/27 "2004-11-30T10:22:33Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > … I’m not interested in just chatting with anyone. I only want to chat/message people that there’s a chance of meeting in real life. A few of the questions I came across seem to treat the “meet in real life” thing as completely optional . . . but isn’t that the point?? I don’t blame you at all here. I’m not one who thinks of dating as “fun”. IME, unless you are dating in the sense that you already know each other, are going steady, and are involved, it sucks worse than a job interview. Meeting perfect strangers and spending time with them when each of you KNOWS the other’s motivation, but you’re not _reeeaaaaaallly_ free to just come out and say it, just sucks worse than undergoing heart surgery while you’re still conscious (not that I’ve ever had to do that, I’m just imagining). Sorry I digress, so yeah, having to engage in the whole “who are you, your parents, your life, what do you do for a living” BS just to make a new “chat buddy” is to me also, a complete waste of time. If you just want chat buddies, put your IM on “available”, join some mild discussion groups and chat away. > [@](#): > > Honestly, I’d rather not say. 🙂 I’m not interested in having my profile critiqued (not that you would, but others might), and I’m not even sure how much longer I’ll be hanging out there. I _will_ tell you that the pictures I have posted there match the ones in my TM profile. 🙂 Understandable, but Ive seen dopers critique profiles before, and have never seen anything but kindness and support. > [@](#): > > Oh, I’ve seen those, and I answered accordingly. But what I’m talking about is when I do a search for matches: there’s no way to say “no smokers, please.” Not much of a “proper” way to say this IRL either. No matter how nice you are, at least one person takes offense, or says they’ll quit. > [@](#): > > “ **You should message me if** : You are no younger than 30 and no older than 45; you live within 15 miles of me; you don’t smoke; and you have a reasonable handle on the grammar/spelling of the English language. Everything else we can play by ear. :)” > > I plan to edit that statement to soften the wording, but all of those “demands” will remain in there. Well, from what I know of the time I spent on dating sites, it doesn’t matter. Lots of people looking ignore anything they see, figuring it’s kind of like businesses who put requirements in an employment ad, but they really mean 'preferences" so if you can get your foot in the door, you can dazzle 'em with BS. Best of luck, ime, those things are a rather big pain in the butt, although lots of people DO meet and marry online. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/28 "2004-11-30T10:33:33Z")
> [@scr4](#): > > There are more on Yahoo Personals, but 9 out of 10 indicate they’re only interested in Caucasians. :rolleyes: There are other reasons than racism that people choose to date only inside of their own racial and/or religious boundaries. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve got something against others not of their own race. Dating is hard enough without throwing extra stressors into the mix. Don’t take it personally. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/29 "2004-11-30T20:07:15Z")
> [@trublmakr](#): > > This weekend I did both okcupid and matchdoctor, and have struck (stricken?) up conversations with not one, but TWO, lucky contestants. They both appear (UNCANNILY) to be my type, both very charming and intelligent and profound. From their pictures, they even have a similiar look to them. Weird. I’m feeling much better about this online dating thing. Yay, **trublmakr**! I sent a message to someone last night, and not only did he reply within 24 hours, he didn’t say “thanks but no thanks!” (Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think I’m undatable, but I expect there to be far more misses than hits; and many guys like my profile, but not the fact that I’m overweight). He can spell and everything! 😃 Now I just have to think up _another_ witty/interesting/charming message. . . :eek: 😉 > [@CanvasShoes](#): > > Meeting perfect strangers and spending time with them when each of you KNOWS the other’s motivation, but you’re not reeeaaaaaallly free to just come out and say it, just sucks worse than undergoing heart surgery while you’re still conscious (not that I’ve ever had to do that, I’m just imagining). Yeah, I tend to be pretty straightforward about my motivation. Sometimes _too_ straightforward, I think, but I really see no point in playing such games with someone I barely know. If our first meeting comes to a close and I’m not interested in seeing the guy again, but he seems to be avoiding the subject, I’ll bring it up. I always take a deep breath first, because some guys take even the most routine rejection really, really hard, but like I say I’d rather not play games. And I don’t believe in leading anyone on, either: if I don’t intend to call, I will tell him so, I won’t just start ignoring him. > [@](#): > > _Understandable, but Ive seen dopers critique profiles before, and have never seen anything but kindness and support._ I’m not _afraid_ to have my profile critiqued, I’m just not _interested_ in having it critiqued. 🙂 > [@](#): > > _Not much of a “proper” way to say this IRL either. No matter how nice you are, at least one person takes offense, or says they’ll quit._ Most other sites, though, will let you filter results by whether the person smokes. Seems to be kind of a significant thing to make you look through results for, IMO. > [@](#): > > _Best of luck, ime, those things are a rather big pain in the butt, although lots of people DO meet and marry online._ These things _are_ a pain in the butt, which is usually why I don’t last on any one site for much longer than a month at a time . . . but I’m less than a week into OK Cupid, so I still have some time left this go-around. 😉 > [@](#): > > _There are other reasons than racism that people choose to date only inside of their own racial and/or religious boundaries._ I know this was in reply to **scr4** , but I’m curious: what would you say is an acceptable reason for someone to not be willing to date outside their race? ---
**Author:** ![mlerose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/43a26b/32.png) [@mlerose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mlerose)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/30 "2004-11-30T20:15:18Z")
**Incubus** , if you haven’t looked at it already, you might try craigslist for online dating. While craigslist exists in many, many cities these days, I still think the original one (for the Bay Area) is the best. Several friends of mine have been involved in long-term relationships with people they met off of craigslist. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/31 "2004-11-30T20:46:41Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > I don’t blame you at all here. I’m not one who thinks of dating as “fun”. IME, unless you are dating in the sense that you already know each other, are going steady, and are involved, it sucks worse than a job interview. > > Meeting perfect strangers and spending time with them when each of you KNOWS the other’s motivation, but you’re not _reeeaaaaaallly_ free to just come out and say it, just sucks worse than undergoing heart surgery while you’re still conscious (not that I’ve ever had to do that, I’m just imagining). This is how I fell about it and keep swearing off. Then, six months later I find myself just “checking” out the personals (usually Nerve/Springstreet) and get dragged back in. I even just signed up at OKCupid following the OP’s link. But I don’t really intend to persue it (and no one will persue me as I was brutally honest this time 😉 ). ARGH. How come I just can’t accidentally run into the perfect guy like how it happens in the movies? Dating is too much work… ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/32 "2004-11-30T21:04:14Z")
> [@Snooooopy](#): > > Abandoning my usual approach, tonight I sent e-mails to two personal ads with the subject line “REPLY TO ME! REPLY TO ME! REPLY TO ME NOW! ROARRRRRRR!!!” I should try that. Here’s what I’m thinking about sending, as is, with multiple choices and everything. I figure it will save me a lot of time reading the damn profiles and composing individual responses. \*Hello, I read your profile and found it very interesting/intriguing/scary. That sure is a nice dog/cat/pair of tits in your picture. I too enjoy skiing/reading/sailing/danciing/torturing chipmunks. Like you, I am looking for marriage/a relationship/dating/hot monkey sex. If you don’t like me, do you have a sister? Please reply immediately so that we may arrange our exciting/thrill-filled/romantic/intellectual first date.\* ---
**Author:** ![SmackFu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@SmackFu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmackFu)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2004, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/33 "2004-11-30T21:23:12Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Yay, **trublmakr**! > I know this was in reply to **scr4** , but I’m curious: what would you say is an acceptable reason for someone to not be willing to date outside their race? We’re talking about a system here where you can specify you don’t want to date outside a specific hair color or height range. Race in this context seems more like a purely physical trait. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/34 "2004-12-01T02:22:44Z")
> [@SmackFu](#): > > We’re talking about a system here where you can specify you don’t want to date outside a specific hair color or height range. Race in this context seems more like a purely physical trait. I’m afraid I don’t understand your point . . . 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Ms2001](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ms2001/32/18463_2.png) [@Ms2001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms2001)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/35 "2004-12-01T02:26:07Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I’m afraid I don’t understand your point . . . 😕 Some people just aren’t attracted to certain physical traits, whether it’s hair color, height, weight, or skin color. That doesn’t make them racists. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/36 "2004-12-01T05:05:39Z")
I didn’t call anyone a racist, and I’m not taking it personally. I just found it surprising and disappointing, but if that’s what they feel, I’ glad that they are upfront about it. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/37 "2004-12-01T05:39:07Z")
> [@scr4](#): > > I didn’t call anyone a racist, and I’m not taking it personally. I just found it surprising and disappointing, but if that’s what they feel, I’ glad that they are upfront about it. I’m not sure, but I think people might have been misled somewhat by the rollie eyes. I was a bit. I didn’t think you were being snarky or anything, but the addition of the rollie did make me think that perhaps you thought it was due to racism. Sorry, end hijack 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/38 "2004-12-01T18:01:07Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > … the addition of the rollie did make me think that perhaps you thought it was due to racism. Well, I did think it’s shallow of them to preemptively reject people based on appearance. But I don’t think it’s “racism” in the usual sense of the word. Anyway, I got one response on eHarmony but her occupation is listed as “Personal Services” - does that mean “escort service” or is there another meaning? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/39 "2004-12-01T18:46:42Z")
> [@Mr2001](#): > > Some people just aren’t attracted to certain physical traits, whether it’s hair color, height, weight, or skin color. That doesn’t make them racists. Aaaah, I see now. For the record, I never used the term “racist;” I just couldn’t think of any acceptable reason why someone wouldn’t be willing to date outside their race. I still think that having such restrictions is a bit on the ridiculous side (_no one_ with blonde hair, pale skin, Japanese ancestry, etc., could _ever_ be attractive to them?), but genuine attraction issues are ok by me. Like **scr4** says, it’s good that they’re up-front about it. > [@scr4](#): > > Anyway, I got one response on eHarmony but her occupation is listed as “Personal Services” - does that mean “escort service” or is there another meaning? 😕 My first thoughts are that she could be a hairstylist, or a personal shopper, or a manicurist – something along those lines. Asking her about it would be a great point of conversation! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928/40 "2004-12-01T18:49:32Z")
> [@trublmakr](#): > > Seems like most people ignore anything about who you’re looking for. The profile I have up (not on okcupid) specifically and clearly states what kind of man I’m looking for- very strong, confident. alpha male, highly intelligent- yet I’m constantly getting responses from young, weak, mama’s boys that are intimidated by strong women and don’t even know how to carry a conversation. It’s too bad I’m already taken. 😃 My GF’s friend is big into [Match.com](http://Match.com) and stuff. It’s a facinating idea to me…simply being able to pick up girls off the internet like you were ordering from LL Bean (well not that easy, but whatever). I’ve always met girls the old-fashioned way - in bars…while drunk - so I’ve never experienced it. Oh and for the record, don’t put something like “…need a baby within 10 months…no questions asked…will pay top dollar” in your profile. Whew :eek: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/on-line-dating-contd/276928.md?page=3)