# Once a cheat, always a cheat **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 30, 2009, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707 "2009-01-30T13:00:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/21 "2009-01-30T19:24:54Z")
> [@spooje](#): > > I wouldn’t judge them for seeking a little comfort elsewhere. Especially falling in love with someone else. There’s a difference between empathizing and condoning. I feel for them. But I won’t say that they’re doing the \*right \*thing. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/22 "2009-01-30T19:27:13Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I think that’s kind of adorable. > > The world is not so neatly divided into “people who would” and “people who wouldn’t”. People surprise each other and, for that matter, themselves, all the time. People do things, both good and bad, that they could never have imagined themselves doing. People go from being twenty to being forty and realize that they’re not who they thought they would be, for better or worse, and that the things they used to do or think or no longer the things they do or think. People are complex to begin with, and change through time and experience and just plain old wear. Goddammit, woman, quit making all that sense or this thread will die before people have a chance to start getting properly enraged at each other’s moral failings/moral rigidity. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/23 "2009-01-30T19:47:47Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > The world is not so neatly divided into “people who would” and “people who wouldn’t”. I don’t think it’s as gray as you make it out to be. I think there’s “people who find the idea of systematically deceiving their spouse as viscerally dusgusting as they would stomping on a kitten for no good reason” and “people who could understand how it might seem like a good idea under the right circumstances.” ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/24 "2009-01-30T19:49:44Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > I don’t think it’s as gray as you make it out to be. I think there’s “people who find the idea of systematically deceiving their spouse as viscerally dusgusting as they would stomping on a kitten for no good reason” and “people who could understand how it might seem like a good idea under the right circumstances.” And I maintain that one person can have each of those reactions at different times in their life. Is that really difficult to understand? **Scumpup** , fat chance of that! ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/25 "2009-01-30T19:50:00Z")
I don’t agree with the premise at all. I cheated on my first wife (with good reason IMO) many times during our 20 years together, but it hasn’t ever crossed my mind with my present wife of 15 years. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/26 "2009-01-30T19:57:22Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > And I maintain that one person can have each of those reactions at different times in their life. Is that really difficult to understand? Well…yeah. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/27 "2009-01-30T20:00:55Z")
I would say _once a cheat, always a cheat_ is a much better indicator of how the cheated-upon spouse feels, rather than predict how the cheater will behave. If I were the kind of person who believes that statement axiomatically, then it doesn’t matter whether my spouse ever _would_ cheat again; I would always believe them capable of it. It could damage our relationship because _I wouldn’t get over it._ Just hypothetically, mind. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/28 "2009-01-30T20:02:39Z")
> [@Fish](#): > > I would say _once a cheat, always a cheat_ is a much better indicator of how the cheated-upon spouse feels, rather than predict how the cheater will behave. > > If I were the kind of person who believes that statement axiomatically, then it doesn’t matter whether my spouse ever _would_ cheat again; I would always believe them capable of it. It could damage our relationship because _I wouldn’t get over it._ > > Just hypothetically, mind. Well, if they’ve already done it they are obviously capable of it so wheres the flaw in that thinking? ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/29 "2009-01-30T20:07:15Z")
The flaw in that thinking is that it’s lazy and self-serving. “Capable of cheating” and “inveterate cheater” are not the same thing. But hey, don’t work yourself up with any sort or nuanced thought here, it’s so much easier to just write someone off. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/30 "2009-01-30T20:31:20Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > Well, if they’ve already done it they are obviously capable of it so wheres the flaw in that thinking? The area around New Madrid, MO, is capable of having [earthquakes.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Madrid_Earthquake) So is Los Angeles. It would be lazy to consider the earthquake danger in each area _equal._ Now by the same token, some humans lie habitually; others lie rarely. Some cheat at every opportunity; some cheat casually; some cheat rarely; a rare few never do. What I’m trying to say is when someone says “once a cheat, always a cheat” it may well be rephrased to “if ever you betray my trust, you will never get it back.” It is less a predictor of the cheater’s future behavior than it is an indicator of the cheatee’s attitude. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/31 "2009-01-30T21:09:19Z")
No. I cheated most of my prior relationships. I’ll die before I cheat on my wife. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/32 "2009-01-30T21:32:19Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Goddammit, woman, quit making all that sense or this thread will die before people have a chance to start getting properly enraged at each other’s moral failings/moral rigidity. Okay- you win! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/33 "2009-01-30T21:34:42Z")
I think EVERYONE is capable of cheating. Some people have done it already, some people will never get around to it. Some people will do it more than once, some people only once, and some people only if the circumstances are “right” for it (maybe they are in a bad relationship, maybe they are drunk). I think that there are some people ill suited for monogamy, and some people who get a thrill out of cheating - and when you have those sorts of people in monogamous relationships, you have a pretty high chance of cheating…but I think both those types are the exception to “people who cheat.” ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/34 "2009-01-30T21:50:28Z")
> [@Fish](#): > > What I’m trying to say is when someone says “once a cheat, always a cheat” it may well be rephrased to “if ever you betray my trust, you will never get it back.” It is less a predictor of the cheater’s future behavior than it is an indicator of the cheatee’s attitude. I agree with that assessment. If someone I loves vows never, ever, EVER to lie to me, and then she lies, even if she genuinely, honestly feel horribly guilty and vows “Never, ever, EVER to do it again”… Well that was the same promise made before, and that promise was broken. Even if the cheater never cheats again, it can be very hard for the cheatee to truly feel that couldn’t ever happen again. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > I think EVERYONE is capable of cheating. Some people have done it already, some people will never get around to it. I don’t think I agree with this. I could lose everything I own and have nothing material left in this world, but my word of honor is one of the very few things that can never be taken for me. I do not break promises. If I vow to be monogamous, I will keep my word, even if I hate my SO and a better opportunity comes my way. It’s not an issue of “never getting around to it”. If I cheat and compromise my word of honor, I could not respect myself. Tempted? Possibly. Capable? Much less so. As you can imagine, I don’t make promises lightly. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/35 "2009-01-30T21:53:12Z")
We don’t need know stinking cheetahs! (okay, back into my box). ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/36 "2009-01-30T22:00:53Z")
Missed the edit window. Oops. Actually, my dad taught us there are _two_ things that could never be taken from us: our word of honor being one, and the other is knowledge. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/37 "2009-01-30T22:21:09Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > It’s not an issue of “never getting around to it”. If I cheat and compromise my word of honor, I could not respect myself. Tempted? Possibly. Capable? Much less so. [QUOTE=Tony Montana] All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don’t break them for no one. [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Swallowed My Cellphone] If I vow to be monogamous, I will keep my word, even if I hate my SO and a better opportunity comes my way. [/QUOTE] This. And when things were bad between me and the first Mrs. Montoya I _did_ have an opportunity that could have been a good long-term match. But two wrongs wouldn’t have made anything right. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/38 "2009-01-30T22:46:59Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > This. And when things were bad between me and the first Mrs. Montoya I _did_ have an opportunity that could have been a good long-term match. But two wrongs wouldn’t have made anything right. Exactly. My ex was a nasty, nasty bitch, but I still passed on a great opportunity until we broke up. I would not let her nastiness make a lesser man of me, and that’s exactly what would have happened if I compromised my integrity and used “but she’s such a bitch and I deserve better” as an excuse to cheat. And if I had cheated, what kind of relationship would the illicit one have been, given that its foundation was built on lies and duplicity? Nuh-huh. Do not want. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/39 "2009-01-30T23:03:28Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I think I have a little problem understanding why people get all up in arms about cheating. I can understand feeling hurt, but I don’t grasp why it, above all other sins, is unforgiveable. I would never cheat on my husband and I feel secure that he wouldn’t cheat on me, but if worse came to worst I don’t see how we couldn’t overcome it. Maybe I’d feel differently if it actually threatened to impact my life. Until it does, my opinion is pretty much useless. Well, from my point of view, cheating holds the likelihood not just of emotional betrayal but physical harm as well. Case in point: a long ago boyfriend of mine cheated on me. He slept with his best friend’s girlfriend and possibly his best friend. He did not use protection. He contracted trichomoniasis, a parasitic STD, and he gave it to me. How did I learn this? One weekend, I started running a lowgrade fever and having abdominal pains. I went to the ER and was diagnosed by an asshole misogynistic doctor who treated me like a contemptible slut. The trichomoniasis infection had become Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. Thanks to that infection, there’s a very good chance that my right fallopian tube is severely scared. This means, should I ever try to get pregnant, there is a significant chance of me having an ectopic pregnancy. Untreated ectopic pregnancies cause death. And what if it hadn’t been a trich infection? What if it had been HIV? My health and my health insurance are chancy enough as it is. Having to cope with a retrovirus, even with the antivirals currently available, would be disastrous. If a person is willing to cheat on their partner, then there’s a strong likelihood that they are also thoughtless and selfish enough to cheat, not use protection, and put their partner’s life in jeopardy. That’s what I find unforgiveable. ---
**Author:** ![Snarky\_Kong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Snarky\_Kong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snarky_Kong)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707/40 "2009-01-30T23:24:59Z")
To the people that have cheated in the past and say they’d never think of cheating on their current SO, did you know, in the other relationships, that you would end up cheating on that partner? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-a-cheat-always-a-cheat/483707.md?page=3)