# Once more with feeling- TRULY AWFUL JOKES!!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 7, 2003, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551 "2003-02-07T20:26:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/141 "2003-02-11T18:16:11Z")
AMWNAOL Water Skiing? Skip. ---
**Author:** ![Cyrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Cyrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyrin)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/142 "2003-02-11T18:21:15Z")
Two fish are in a tank. The first fish turns to the second fish and says “You know how to drive this thing?” ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/143 "2003-02-11T18:40:37Z")
What do call a man with no arms or legs swimming in the swimming pool? Clever Dick ---
**Author:** ![truthbot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@truthbot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/truthbot)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/144 "2003-02-11T19:05:42Z")
A ninety-year old woman is running up and down the halls of the nursing home. She flips up the hem of her nightgown and proclaims “Super Sex!” “Super Sex!” to all passerby. She skips up to an old man in a wheelchair, flips up the hem of her nightie; and says “Super Sex!” The old man in the wheelchair thinks for a moment, and says “I’ll take the soup.” ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/145 "2003-02-11T19:59:47Z")
Hooker walks up to a man and says, “I’ll do anything you want for fifty bucks.” Guy hands her a fifty and says, “paint my house.” I just came back from a bulimic bachelor’s party—I saw a cake pop out of a girl! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/146 "2003-02-11T20:09:43Z")
To Jane D’oh!: I once read an extension of the monkey joke. 1. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead. 2. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Monkey see, monkey do! 3. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? What else–peer pressure! * * * What’s purple and lies on the ground? A baby in a plastic bag. * * * Palos Verdes (“green sticks” in Spanish) is a high-income area in Southern California. I use it in this joke because I live in the region, but this could apply to any snooty, upscale neighborhood: How does a Palos Verdes mother call her kids to dinner? “Get in the car!” How do you tell a Palos Verdes woman at a funeral? She wears a black tennis dress. A Palos Verdes financier says, “I’m so rich that when I write a check the bank bounces!” * * * _(Told by a German from Schleswig-Holstein):_ A Dutchman living near the German border sometimes goes to a bar on the German side of the border for beer. In that area it’s customary to serve beer in a glass or stein on a small, round, flat, cork coaster. When he finishes the beer the Dutchman says to the server, “I’ll have another beer–but please, no more cake.” * * * A baseball joke: Former White Sox manager Al Lopez had been a catcher in the National League in the 30s and 40s. In one game, the plate umpire was a seasoned arbiter named Charlie Moran, who had been a college football coach before his umpiring days. In this game, Lopez was getting tired; apparently it was a hot day and Al decided to risk getting the thumb so he could leave. So he turned to Charlie between innings and asked, “Weren’t you once a football coach?” Off guard, Moran answered, “Yes–I coached the Praying Colonels of Centre College in Kentucky.” “Is that so?” replied Lopez. “What were they praying for–a new coach?” ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/147 "2003-02-11T21:39:34Z")
When is the best time to buy a chicken? When they are going cheep. ---
**Author:** ![petcat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5fc32e/32.png) [@petcat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/petcat)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/148 "2003-02-11T23:38:02Z")
My daughter asks, Why did the turkey cross the road? Because the chicken took the day off! ---
**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/149 "2003-02-11T23:48:49Z")
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? Irene. What do you call an Irish woman who spends the night on your deck? Patty O’Furniture. ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/150 "2003-02-12T00:48:00Z")
A pirate walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder. The bartender, visibly impressed, says, “That thing’s amazing! Where did you get it?” The parrot says, “I dunno, I just landed on him once.” ---
**Author:** ![bent\_dupe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e8cbc/32.png) [@bent\_dupe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bent_dupe)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/151 "2003-02-12T04:55:53Z")
Traveling salesman breaks down on the road. The sun is setting so he can’t see well enough to work on the car. Off the road a little ways he sees a light. He walks to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. A man answers the door. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m a travelling salesman and my car just broke down. Since it’s getting too dark to fix it, I was wondering–can you put me up for the night?” The farmer looks him up and down and says, “I reckon so, but you’re going to have to sleep with my son.” The salesman says, “'Scuse me, farmer. But I’m in the _wrong_ joke.” ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/152 "2003-02-12T05:10:06Z")
Nurse: What happened to the boy who swallowed a dollar bill? Doctor: No change yet. Woman: Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film! Docotr: Let’s hope that nothing develops. ---
**Author:** ![Rhubarb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/59ef9b/32.png) [@Rhubarb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhubarb)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/153 "2003-02-12T05:23:12Z")
What’s the difference between a band of savage pygmies and a girl’s track team? The pygmies are **C** unning little **R** unts. ---------------------- What’s the difference between a nun and a woman in the bathtub? The nun has a **S** oul full of **H** ope. ---------------------- What’s the difference between a pun and a fart? A pun is a **Sh** ift of **W** it. ``` ----------------------- ``` What’s black and white and red all over? a.) Burnt toast with ketchup b.) A sunburned zebra c.) An embarrassed penguin d.) A newspaper. ---------------------- How do you catch a rabbit? Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot. --------------------- What’s red, white and green and goes 80 mph? A frog in a blender. -------------------- What’s black and brown and looks good on a mugger? A Rottweiler. --------------------- What has 18 legs and catches flies? A baseball team. -------------------- What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. ---
**Author:** ![August](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d26b3c/32.png) [@August](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/154 "2003-02-12T10:38:32Z")
There are two types of people in the world: Those that believe there are two types of people in the world and those that don’t. A priest, rabbi, and a buddist monk walk into a mosque. The preist turns to the others and says: “Ow, That hurt.” Whats the most important thing about humour? I don’t kn… Timing. (Either interupt or a long pause) ---
**Author:** ![Hoops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoops/32/6408_2.png) [@Hoops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoops)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/155 "2003-02-12T10:54:49Z")
What’s the difference between pea soup and roast beef? You can roast beef . . . ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/156 "2003-02-12T11:10:00Z")
Hoops, you probably never heard this dialog: “What did you have for breakfast?” “Pea green soup.” “What did you have for lunch?” “Pea green soup.” “What did you have for dinner?” “Pea green soup.” “What did you do after dinner?” “Pee green soup.” 😃 * * * “Who is the best actor?” “Bendix.” “What’s the best brand of washing machine?” “Bendix.” “What do you do for a living?” “Bendix.” * * * “What are your shoe soles made of?” “Rubber.” “What are pencil erasers made of?” “Rubber.” “If you saw Jayne Mansfield in a bathtub, what would you do?” “Rubber.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/157 "2003-02-12T11:15:25Z")
_Originally posted by LifeOnWry_ > [@](#): > > What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? > Irene. I think you mean _Japanese_ here, Life. Chinese has no _r_ sound, and Japanese has no _l_ sound. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/158 "2003-02-12T14:31:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by petcat \* > \*\*Why is the French horn a divine instrument? > Because a person blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it. \*\* Hey! **HEY!** Oh, OK, what the heck … What’s the difference between a horn player and a conductor? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . About three measures. ---
**Author:** ![MissSwish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/db5fbb/32.png) [@MissSwish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissSwish)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/159 "2003-02-12T15:42:37Z")
Knock Knock; Who’s There? Little Old Lady. Little Old Lady Who? I didn’t know you could yodel! ---
**Author:** ![lovejoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d26b3c/32.png) [@lovejoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lovejoy)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551/160 "2003-02-12T20:17:36Z")
Q. What’s the difference between a truckful of bowling balls and a truckful of dead babies? A. You can’t unload bowling balls with a pitchfork. (That is probably the most foul middle-school joke I can remember. There was an entire genre of dead baby jokes, but this was the only one I remembered. God bless Catholic schools…) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/once-more-with-feeling-truly-awful-jokes/153551.md?page=9)