# One attendee at a family thanksgiving doesn't want to celebrate on that day **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620 "2010-09-13T16:54:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![redtail23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3e96dc/32.png) [@redtail23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/redtail23)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/41 "2010-09-13T17:45:25Z")
I’ve always considered Thanksgiving to be the quintessential American holiday - massive over-consumption combined with intra-family bickering. What’s not to love? 😛 The various families I’ve celebrated with have often moved the date in order to accommodate schedules. Yeah, most people (but not everyone) get off on Thursday, but having to be 4 different places on the same day sucks and isn’t always physically possible. However, rescheduling for “political” reasons for someone who isn’t even officially family yet? No way, slap that one gone right up front. Not just because it’s stupid, but because you’re only setting the stage for future manipulations. Once Causehead find out that s/he can get away with this kind of crap, it will be endless. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/42 "2010-09-13T17:45:50Z")
I voted “let it slide” but I’m really torn. On one hand it seems like such a small matter to change the day in order to keep the family peace. On the other Causehead is being a disruptive prick. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/43 "2010-09-13T17:46:58Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > > [@Northern\_Piper](#): > > > > You’re the host, and you’re inviting people to your house. You set the rules, not the guests. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come. > > Exactly. They can join you or not. If they don’t want to have “Thanksgiving Dinner,” offer to find the one restaurant in town that’ll be open on Thanksgiving and they can go there while the rest are having dinner. What if she doesn’t like Chinese? ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/44 "2010-09-13T17:47:50Z")
> [@jali](#): > > Let that person enjoy the day at home alone. Don’t bring him any leftovers. Yeah, I don’t see what the problem is. There is an event, they are invited to attend, and they have declined. The appropriate response is a plain old: “OK, thank you for RSVPing. We’ll miss you.” ---
**Author:** ![cjepson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9adbd/32.png) [@cjepson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cjepson)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/45 "2010-09-13T17:48:54Z")
> [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > > [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > > > How about pointing out the silliness to Causehead? I mean, the mythical dinner with the Pilgrims and the Native Americans didn’t happen so many years ago on November 25 (or whatever that adjusts to on the Julian Calendar). It’s just a harvest festival. > > Personally I think it would be ruder for me to challenge Causehead’s beliefs than to just basically say “look, that’s nice that you believe that. we don’t. too bad, so sad - dinner’s on Thursday” > > but i’m struggling with whether to say that or just put up with it. Speaking from a strictly logical standpoint I would agree with the “pointing out the silliness” idea. At least, at some point in the whole process of trying to work this out, I would probably want to say something like this: “I absolutely agree that the whites persecuted the Native Americans, and I can understand perfectly if you wanted to protest Columbus Day, because that holiday is specifically intended to commemorate a historical event, an event that began that persecution. Thanksgiving Day is not like that. It happens to have this story of the so-called “First Thanksgiving” connected with it, but it was never intended to be a commemoration of that event. It’s an annual harvest festival, not a celebration of Pilgrim history. The Pilgrim thing is _incidental_ to Thanksgiving.” It might not change anything in the long run, but at least it would convey to Causehead that you can sympathize with the overall sentiment but simply find it misguided in this instance. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/46 "2010-09-13T17:50:30Z")
As usual, there’s an appropriate \*Buffy \*quote: [WILLOW](http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=4): Well, yeah, sort of. That’s why she doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving or Columbus day-- You know, the destruction of the indigenous peoples. I know it sounds a little overwrought, but really, she’s…She’s right. [ANYA](http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=6): Well, I think that’s a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice. [BUFFY](http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=1): It’s not really one of those. [ANYA](http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=6): To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It’s a ritual sacrifice. With pie. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/47 "2010-09-13T17:50:53Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > > [@jali](#): > > > > Let that person enjoy the day at home alone. Don’t bring him any leftovers. > > Yeah, I don’t see what the problem is. There is an event, they are invited to attend, and they have declined. The appropriate response is a plain old: “OK, thank you for RSVPing. We’ll miss you.” Sticklers may decide against using RSVP as a verb. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Rumor\_Watkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@Rumor\_Watkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rumor_Watkins)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/48 "2010-09-13T17:51:28Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I voted “let it slide” but I’m really torn. On one hand it seems like such a small matter to change the day in order to keep the family peace. On the other Causehead is being a disruptive prick. that’s exactly my conflict. with the added twist that since i’m going to be the only person raising a stink about it, i come off like the d-bag for trying to stymie Causehead. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/49 "2010-09-13T17:51:45Z")
8 vs. 1. End of argument. Unless the causehead wants to throw the party. If so, they are free to choose the date. But if not, it’s ultimately up to whoever is inviting people into their home. ---
**Author:** ![Rumor\_Watkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@Rumor\_Watkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rumor_Watkins)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/50 "2010-09-13T17:52:52Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > 8 vs. 1. End of argument. > > Unless the causehead wants to throw the party. If so, they are free to choose the date. But if not, it’s ultimately up to whoever is inviting people into their home. I don’t deny that I have the power, but utilizing that power comes at cost, here. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/51 "2010-09-13T17:53:49Z")
God, don’t let the Causehead host the event, or else you’ll have to eat a vegan meal. (Which, while I’m sure can be fine, and I’ve eaten vegan food myself, wouldn’t be as much fun.) ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/52 "2010-09-13T17:54:57Z")
If it was a matter of it being impossible or massively inconvenient for one family member to make it that day, and it wasn’t any difficulty for anyone else to do it another day, I’d say move the dinner. After all, it completely negates the point of a celebration of family togetherness for everybody to whoop it up while one person is left by themselves. It just does. But this setup? Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em right in the ear with a rusty spike. I mean, really, who the hell do these people think they are? Not just Causehead and Co., but your spouse’s parents? “We’re going to invite the whole family in for a big family dinner. Oh, and we’re going to have it at your house. Oh, and we’re going to let other people dictate the day and time.” What the [insert long, long string of profanity]? And that is _exactly_ what I would say to anyone who gave me any guff about having the dinner on Thursday. “Look, when you choose to invite people to my home for a holiday dinner, you don’t get to dictate the day and time it happens. It’s my house, and I get to decide when people come over. If you want to set the schedule, have it at your own place.” ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/53 "2010-09-13T18:02:49Z")
> [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > > [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > > > How about pointing out the silliness to Causehead? I mean, the mythical dinner with the Pilgrims and the Native Americans didn’t happen so many years ago on November 25 (or whatever that adjusts to on the Julian Calendar). It’s just a harvest festival. > > Personally I think it would be ruder for me to challenge Causehead’s beliefs than to just basically say “look, that’s nice that you believe that. we don’t. too bad, so sad - dinner’s on Thursday” > > but i’m struggling with whether to say that or just put up with it. “I’m sorry you’ve grown to feel that way about Thanksgiving, but the tradition is important to the rest of the family. You’ll be missed at dinner.” ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/54 "2010-09-13T18:11:38Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > > [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > > > Oh, just to provide even more fun details: Causehead is a fiancee/in-law-in-waiting. > > > > So, yeah, I’ve got decades more of this shit to handle apparently. > > OK, in this case, you need to do everything possible to offend this person NOW, in hopes of sparing your relative the grief that she’s sure to bring. Hell, set up a table in the kitchen so that she and possibly her intended can eat without hassling the grown ups. Yep. Maybe include some props, such as stacks of blankets (with presumed smallpox infestation) and jugs of firewater. And burning teepee lawn ornaments would also be a nice touch. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/55 "2010-09-13T18:15:37Z")
> [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > > [@Oakminster](#): > > > > If you give in to this foolishness one time, then it will be harder to refuse their next ridiculous “request”. Nip that shit in the bud. > > that’s my thought. > > but then how do you come across as anything but petty or spiteful? it truthfully is no more or less meaningful to have the family dinner on friday, instead of thursday (which goes the same for her, fwiw). You’re not the ones being petty and spiteful – Causehead is. You won’t look like you’re being nasty – not if you simply point out that you have the dinner planned for that day, and you’re not moving things around simply to accomodate ONE PERSON. (And it’s not because she has other plans on Thursday, it’s just her throwing a fit over something that has nothing to DO with Thanksgiving in the first place). She’s not even married into the family yet. So if you do so diplomatically, and she throws a tantrum, SHE’S the one who’s going to sound petty. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/56 "2010-09-13T18:21:45Z")
> [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > > [@RealityChuck](#): > > > > 8 vs. 1. End of argument. > > > > Unless the causehead wants to throw the party. If so, they are free to choose the date. But if not, it’s ultimately up to whoever is inviting people into their home. > > I don’t deny that I have the power, but utilizing that power comes at cost, here. As **Oak** and others pointed out upthread, declining to use the power has its costs as well. Once you pay Danegeld, you never get rid of the Dane. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/57 "2010-09-13T18:21:47Z")
> [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > Oh, just to provide even more fun details: Causehead is a fiancee/in-law-in-waiting. > > So, yeah, I’ve got decades more of this shit to handle apparently. Yeah, I say stop it now or else you’ll have an eternity to constantly deal with fiance’s nit-picking demands. ---
**Author:** ![Rumor\_Watkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@Rumor\_Watkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rumor_Watkins)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/58 "2010-09-13T18:22:20Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > > [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > > > that’s my thought. > > > > but then how do you come across as anything but petty or spiteful? it truthfully is no more or less meaningful to have the family dinner on friday, instead of thursday (which goes the same for her, fwiw). > > You’re not the ones being petty and spiteful – Causehead is. You won’t look like you’re being nasty – not if you simply point out that you have the dinner planned for that day, and you’re not moving things around simply to accomodate ONE PERSON. (And it’s not because she has other plans on Thursday, it’s just her throwing a fit over something that has nothing to DO with Thanksgiving in the first place). She’s not even married into the family yet. > > So if you do so diplomatically, and she throws a tantrum, SHE’S the one who’s going to sound petty. All good advice… except for one thing… the dinner hasn’t been planned yet. This has all been in the formation state, like: ok, so are we all going to meet at Rumor’s place for dinner over thxgiving weekend? sure… oh, btw, Causehead would like it on Friday instead of Thursday because she doesn’t believe in thanksgiving or something. ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/59 "2010-09-13T18:23:42Z")
“But we’re not celebrating Thanksgiving Day _per se_. It’s a new holiday I invented called Thankstaking Night, which involves eating, drinking and watching football on TV, followed by a fight of your choice from a menu of three topics for a family once-a-year fight. Because you’re vegan, I’ve made sure to accomodate you on the entree list with an option called _Resolved: Tofurkey is Toe-funky_. Oh won’t you please join us?” ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/60 "2010-09-13T18:25:04Z")
> [@Chicken\_Fingers](#): > > …they need to shut up and come in the spirit of getting together with family, feeling generally thankful, and eating good food. Since when do you have to be a believer in the premise of a holiday or occasion to join friends or loved ones. This. I’m not even slightly Christian, but I get together with extended family and exchange presents on Christmas day. And this is for a holiday specifically intended for the celebration of the birth of Christ. Thanksgiving, OTOH, is NOT, and was never intended to be, a celebration of the rape and pillage of native Americans way-back-when. If it was, she might have some grounds for protest, but it’s not. As the name suggests - and as she needs to be reminded - Thanksgiving is a holiday intended to remind us to be thankful and to celebrate the good things in our lives. Most of us do this by indulging in two very good things in our lives, family and exceptionally good food. If she’s so arrogant and presumptuous as to try to dictate the terms of a gathering at which she is a guest - heck, she’s just a guest of a guest - then she needs to be put in her place, or this kind of manipulation will continue, as you note, for decades to come. You can do this politely (see previous paragraph), but you really need to do it firmly. Defend your space now, or suffer forevermore. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620.md?page=4)