# One attendee at a family thanksgiving doesn't want to celebrate on that day **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620 "2010-09-13T16:54:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/61 "2010-09-13T18:39:02Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > > [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > > > Yeah, I don’t see what the problem is. There is an event, they are invited to attend, and they have declined. The appropriate response is a plain old: “OK, thank you for RSVPing. We’ll miss you.” > > Sticklers may decide against using RSVP as a verb. :mad: Oh, okay. I’ll rephrase: “OK, thank you for respondez s’il vous plaiting. We’ll miss you.” ---
**Author:** ![CWN](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bc79bd/32.png) [@CWN](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CWN)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/62 "2010-09-13T18:40:43Z")
> [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > All good advice… except for one thing… the dinner hasn’t been planned yet. > > This has all been in the formation state, like: ok, so are we all going to meet at Rumor’s place for dinner over thxgiving weekend? sure… oh, btw, Causehead would like it on **Friday instead of Thursday because she doesn’t believe in thanksgiving or something.** Oh in that case I would go all Martha Stewart on them, decorate the house, Themed center piece etc etc Maybe have some one dressed like a Pilgrim come with an ax and kill the bird ( ya know just for atmosphere) ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/63 "2010-09-13T18:44:45Z")
Causehead is being a dick. That’s regardless of whether it’s right or wrong to celebrate Thanksgiving. Being right doesn’t give you the right to be a dick. There are a couple of polite things you can do if you’re invited to a celebration you don’t believe in (this comes up for some Jews around Christmas time). You can say “No, thanks”, or even “No, thanks, I don’t celebrate Christmas”, and not go. Or you can go along and participate in the event as much as you are comfortable doing (maybe you go for Christmas dinner but sit out any prayers). You should try not to draw attention to whether or not you’re participating in any given activity. Telling the person hosting the event that they shouldn’t be celebrating this event is NOT one of the polite things you can do. Does Causehead think it would be OK if I invited an evangelical Christian to my Passover seder and s/he told me I should be having a dinner on Easter instead? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/64 "2010-09-13T18:56:55Z")
> [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > All good advice… except for one thing… the dinner hasn’t been planned yet. > > This has all been in the formation state, like: ok, so are we all going to meet at Rumor’s place for dinner over thxgiving weekend? sure… oh, btw, Causehead would like it on Friday instead of Thursday because she doesn’t believe in thanksgiving or something. “Thanks, but that’s the that day works best for me. Sorry about that. Let’s plan on getting together some other time”. Done. I am huge on adults learning how to say “no” politely. And the gall of this girl? She’s not even married into the family yet and thinks she can make policy changes??? ---
**Author:** ![Baracus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/2bfe46/32.png) [@Baracus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baracus)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/65 "2010-09-13T18:58:13Z")
I have changed my mind. You should have the meal on Friday. After everybody sits down, offer a toast to a happy, belated Thanksgiving. Oh, geez, so sorry. That was so many months ago that we planned this that I forgot why we moved it to Friday :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/66 "2010-09-13T19:16:54Z")
She’s being rude, but since it sounds like you won’t be stuck with her often (with them flying in), I’d let it slide. I feel for the people who do live around her though, with her being the sort who doesn’t even wait until she’s formally brought into the family before trying to impose her views on everyone else. Maybe this is the only thing she’ll expect to get her way on, but I’ll bet this is just the beginning. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/67 "2010-09-13T19:19:45Z")
> [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > This has all been in the formation state, like: ok, so are we all going to meet at Rumor’s place for dinner over thxgiving weekend? sure… oh, btw, Causehead would like it on Friday instead of Thursday because she doesn’t believe in thanksgiving or something. It sounds like you haven’t actually talked to Causehead personally yet, right? If not, you probably don’t know how flexible she might be on this. You might be blowing it way out of proportion. Who, exactly, has spoken to you about this yet? ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/68 "2010-09-13T19:37:21Z")
> [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > As usual, there’s an appropriate \*Buffy \*quote: > > [WILLOW](http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=4): Well, yeah, sort of. That’s why she doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving or Columbus day-- You know, the destruction of the indigenous peoples. I know it sounds a little overwrought, but really, she’s…She’s right. > > [ANYA](http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=6): Well, I think that’s a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice. > > [BUFFY](http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=1): It’s not really one of those. > > [ANYA](http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=6): To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It’s a ritual sacrifice. With pie. Actually, I was thinking of this one… SPIKE I just can’t take this mamby-pamby boo-hooing over the bloody Indians! WILLOW The preferred term is – SPIKE You won! All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That’s what conquering nations do! That’s what Caesar did, he’s not going around saying “I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it”! The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, you massacred them, end of story! BUFFY Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of… not that I don’t like Spaniards… SPIKE Listen to you! How are you gonna fight anybody with that attitude? WILLOW We don’t want to fight anybody. BUFFY I just want to have Thanksgiving. SPIKE Yeah, good luck. WILLOW If we could talk to him – SPIKE You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It’s kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/69 "2010-09-13T19:40:06Z")
“Well, Causehead, you convinced me that the natives were wrong for acting in a way as to enable the Pilgrims to impose their belief system and ultimately cast them out of their own homes. So, in order to learn from their mistake, I have decided not to accomodate your belief system this year in my home.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Hamster\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@The\_Hamster\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hamster_King)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/70 "2010-09-13T19:50:11Z")
> [@Rumor\_Watkins](#): > > … oh, btw, Causehead would like it on Friday instead of Thursday because she doesn’t believe in thanksgiving or something. Here’s what I’d do. I’d move it to Friday, but be very explicit that you’re still celebrating **Thanksgiving**. Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce … the whole nine yards. It’s not a family dinner, it’s Thanksgiving. You’re just having it a day late. A couple of years ago my Dad died right before my daughter’s birthday. So we postponed her party until a month later. It was still her Birthday Party, even though technically it wasn’t held on her actual birthday. Causehead will, of course, insist that you cancel Thanksgiving entirely for her benefit. But having already made a gesture toward compromise, it will be much easier for you to guilt the rest of your family into taking your side: “Give up Thanksgiving entirely? But I really LIKE Thanksgiving. I’ll be SAD and DISAPPOINTED if I have to miss it entirely. Is this because you love Causehead more than MEEEE?” [puppy dog eyes] ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/71 "2010-09-13T20:02:16Z")
Causehead is a dick. A controlling dick, who is preventing his beloved from celebrating a holiday with her family, for reasons known only to himself he’s a dick. He’s insisting that a bunch of people, who don’t even KNOW him, reschedule their holiday to accommodate him and his attitudes. Don’t reschedule the dinner. If she refuses to attend without him, offer to let them stop by the next day for leftovers - if you don’t have anything else to do. Clearly she’s not going to listen to any discussion of how maybe this behavior is just a BIT controlling and inappropriate… ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/72 "2010-09-13T20:06:41Z")
Note: genders in the above post assume relative is female, Causehead is male. Adjust as appropriate :). ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/73 "2010-09-13T20:08:38Z")
So, you’re going to have a bunch of family members visiting your house on a day when none of the local restaurants are open, and one fo them doesn’t want you to cook a big meal on that day?!? My plan for feeding Thanksgiving guests is always: 1. Make big dinner on Thursday 2. Serve leftovers the rest of the weekend (Apple pie makes a great breakfast!) 3. Maybe make eggs Sunday morning if the turkey soup isn’t quite done yet. . . If Causehead wants to set the schedule and the observance, then she needs to host the party. End of story. I strongly recommned that you not set a precedent of giving in to her. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/74 "2010-09-13T20:10:53Z")
Don’t try to fight stupid with reason. Fight it with bigger stupid. Tell Causehead that if the Indians didn’t like the way the Pilgrims treated them, they should have gone back to India. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/75 "2010-09-13T20:16:37Z")
If some folks want to celebrate Thanksgiving and some don’t, that’s easy. The ones who want to celebrate do, and the ones who don’t, don’t. What’s the big deal? Oh, they want to force (or cajole, or guilt-trip) others? Sorry. You get to decide what YOU want to do, not what somebody else does. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/76 "2010-09-13T20:31:33Z")
Some holidays are about one group dominating over another group. This is not unique to Thanksgiving. The Fourth of July is like this- maybe some Brits have a problem with it (I don’t know if any actually do). Hanukkah might offend Greeks (our Greek neighbors don’t seem to have a problem with it, though). Purim might offend Persians/Iranians (also teetotalers). Passover might offend Egyptians. Maybe Labor Day offends people who don’t like labor unions. If you’re offended by a holiday, you always have the choice to not celebrate it. You could do this by eating Chinese food or going to the movies, the way some Jews do on Christmas. Some Jews do volunteer work on Christmas, to allow others to celebrate their holiday. That might be a good thing for Causehead to do. ---
**Author:** ![Rumor\_Watkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@Rumor\_Watkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rumor_Watkins)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/77 "2010-09-13T20:34:16Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > Some holidays are about one group dominating over another group. This is not unique to Thanksgiving. The Fourth of July is like this- maybe some Brits have a problem with it (I don’t know if any actually do). Hanukkah might offend Greeks (our Greek neighbors don’t seem to have a problem with it, though). Purim might offend Persians/Iranians (also teetotalers). Passover might offend Egyptians. Maybe Labor Day offends people who don’t like labor unions. > > If you’re offended by a holiday, you always have the choice to not celebrate it. You could do this by eating Chinese food or going to the movies, the way some Jews do on Christmas. Some Jews do volunteer work on Christmas, to allow others to celebrate their holiday. That might be a good thing for Causehead to do. I think May Day is actually the credited piss-off-the-petit-bourgeois event of the year 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/78 "2010-09-13T20:38:08Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > Some holidays are about one group dominating over another group. This is not unique to Thanksgiving. It doesn’t even APPLY to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is not about the conquest of North America. I’ve been known to go into rages about white domination and all that crap, but the worst I’ll say about Turkey Day is that it’s about a myth. More charitably I’ll say it’s about a peaceful interlude in a bloody history. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/79 "2010-09-13T20:40:00Z")
What if you acknowledged the massacre symbolically? Like dressing the turkey up in a traditional American Indian outfit? Then when you carve the turkey it will have extra-special meaning. Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket? ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2010, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620/80 "2010-09-13T20:50:54Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > the worst I’ll say about Turkey Day is that it’s about a myth. James Loewen says it’s our American origin myth. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-attendee-at-a-family-thanksgiving-doesnt-want-to-celebrate-on-that-day/553620.md?page=5)