# One-liners you've said that brought down the house **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 27, 2009, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750 "2009-09-27T15:31:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![ElectricZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/58f4c7/32.png) [@ElectricZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElectricZ)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/181 "2010-03-18T15:37:07Z")
On a dive trip to Little Cayman last month, we had two very fun gals as captain and first mate on our dive boat who had a very well practiced routine for abusing their guests. It was all fun, friendly banter to set the tone for the week. On on the first day we only had 8 divers instead of the scheduled 20 because another group was delayed in arriving. The first mate said loudly what a pleasure it was only having to deal with 8 assholes this time to which the captain readily agreed. I piped in, “Wow, I guess we’re lucky. We only have to deal with two.” That got a round of laughs and “ooooooohs” from everyone on the boat, including our lovely crew – as well as threats from the ladies they they would make special checks on my air tank and regulator before every dive. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/182 "2010-03-18T15:52:39Z")
We were watching the first Clinton inauguration. He had whipped Bush in the election. Bush was in the background and Clinton was there too. I quipped “It aint over till the fat lady sings” just as this rather obese lady started singing for Clinton. The whole office doubled over laughing. I’m a terrible joke teller. That quip was my finest moment. ---
**Author:** ![jasg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f0a364/32.png) [@jasg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasg)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/183 "2010-03-18T17:45:16Z")
Years ago at an international conference, an Aussie colleague was teasing a Kiwi with the old “Illegal to tuck your pants into your boots in New Zealand.” joke. My boss fell for it and asked why - when told that it was a sign that the Kiwis immobilized a sheep by sticking its legs into the boots - my boss, deadpan as ever said “Oh no, I’d never do that - I like to turn them over so I can kiss them.” ---
**Author:** ![Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a9a28c/32.png) [@Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oslo_Ostragoth)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2010, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/184 "2010-03-21T05:16:21Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > One of my most successful oneliners was sitting at a sex toy party and passing around the various gadgets to other women. > > If you want an audience primed for a good laugh, put a bunch of repressed white wimmen + alcohol +sex toys= a larf waiting to happen. > > So, the anal beads made the round. > > Being a doper, I knew what they were for, but(t) the majority of the room was ??? over them and talking very quietly to each other for what the purpose of ANAL BEADS would be. ( Oh, I don’t know. The title of them really is confusing, ain’tit?) > > So one woman says a bit loud, after the _lightbulb_ goes on for where the beads go, **But what if he fall’s asleep with them in?** > > Giving a motion like I was starting lawn mower, " Time to wake up!!!" > > No one could breath for a good five minutes. win > [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](#): > > I was at a party with a bunch of techs who run the machinery during eye surgery (not a very good description of their jobs, but that’s it at its most basic level.) The boss was wearing a tie with eyeballs all over it and I said, “Man, I’m glad you guys aren’t proctologists!” win > [@bobkitty](#): > > Girl. 🙂 win > [@AuntiePam](#): > > Just remembered a bit of dark humor from a lawyer I worked for. The firm was representing the family of a construction worker who died in a 16-story fall. One of the trial exhibits was a blown-up photo of the trash-strewn spot where he landed. We’re looking at the photo, thinking somber thoughts, like “This is where a young man died” when she says “Oh look! Is that a suicide note?” win > [@racer72](#): > > Shortly after a family dinner at my brother’s house, our sister, who just happened to be in a crabby mood all day, walked into the kitchen. > > She started complaining about the mess and stated she was tired and she did not want to clean up the kitchen. > > She opened up a broom closet and grabbed a broom to sweep the floor. > > I commented just as she turned around, “Fine go home then.” > > It took everyone about 2 seconds to realize what I meant. > > While everyone was laughing she was trying to hit me with the broom. what? > [@MissTake](#): > > In my group I’m the self-contained one. I rarely drink, don’t enjoy crude humor much, and am generally considered the fuddydud (despite being the youngest). > > We had all gone out to a bar and, as usual, separated into men only / women only groups. I was talking about how I gave my cat Cleo a bath, but the only animal shampoo I could find was this glittery stuff left behind by my nephew (who spoiled his dog rotten). > > We were giggling about the thought of and process of shampooing a cat when Bruce, the worst offender for crude jokes and bad behavior came over and wanted to know what we were all laughing about. > > “My glittery pussy” > > His jaw dropped. Face turned beet red. He had no response. We ended up on the floor, laughing hysterically not only at the fact that I was so crude, but that he was so humorously shocked. We still say ‘glittery pussy’ when we want to get his goat. > > Another one: A few years ago we were at the Country Fest hoohah that I get dragged to every year with the same group of friends. I was intoxicated. VERY intoxicated. Drank a pitcher of moonlight martinis poopfaced, giggly intoxicated. Again, the whole prim and proper thing rose it’s ugly head. I was sitting on my bed, waiting for the world to quit spinning so damned fast, when I saw movement outside the window. A guy was urinating against a motorhome. So I yelled “HEY! NICE PENIS!”. From outside our bus came screaming laughter. > My sister slammed open the door “Was that YOU?!” Yeah, why? > (And then I don’t remember so much) Contact me for details regarding me blackmailing you. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2010, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/185 "2010-03-21T05:39:49Z")
> [@racer72](#): > > Shortly after a family dinner at my brother’s house, our sister, who just happened to be in a crabby mood all day, walked into the kitchen. > > She started complaining about the mess and stated she was tired and she did not want to clean up the kitchen. > > She opened up a broom closet and grabbed a broom to sweep the floor. > > I commented just as she turned around, “Fine go home then.” > > It took everyone about 2 seconds to realize what I meant. > > While everyone was laughing she was trying to hit me with the broom. > [@Oslo\_Ostragoth](#): > > what? I took this to mean that **racer72** was implying that his sister was going to use the broom to go home, by flying it like a witch. Hence the laughter, and his sister trying to hit him with the broom. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2010, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/186 "2010-03-21T13:06:28Z")
**Backstory-** My one of my summer jobs in HS was to park cars for the rich & [del]obnoxious[/del] famous at a ritzy apartment house. The job was a dream if you liked getting paid less than minimum wage “because you’ll get tips” from people who’d never ever tipped the parking staff. The selling point was that I’d get to drive ‘fancy imported European sports cars’ (OK, so the key on a Bentley goes in high and on the left. Big deal). But I was young, wanted to use my new drivers license & stupidity ensued. Now this building had indoor & outdoor parking, but there was only enough indoor parking for 20% of the cars. And each tenant not only new that, but demanded indoor parking anyway, so we had to stack the cars in the cement bunker like basement deck. The tenants didn’t like this, but as space was limited, there was nothing that could be done. **The Moment-** One night, a gentleman drove up with a forest green Jag and a Brooklyn accent told me to park his car. He turned to me and said, “Hey Yous! Yous park dis cah so it don get moved again. Get it…!?” I turned to him w/o missing a beat and replied, “…Ever?” At least one guy I had worked with actually fell over laughing. . . . . . “…don gets smaht wit me, kid…!” ---
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2010, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/187 "2010-03-21T13:12:08Z")
> [@njtt](#): > > I was talking with a friend of mine and his girlfriend about a rather diverse group of people I had recently met. > > I said, “They were not a very homogeneous group.” > > He said, “Hey, you are using big words I don’t understand now!” (He was goofing about. He understood perfectly well.) > > I said, “It means a very, very clever queer.” > > Sorry, but it needs to be “queer”. With a more politically correct term like “gay,” it just isn’t funny. Related episode, in High School Chemistry, the word came up, and some other student asked what it meant, and I immediately replied “a smart queer”. ---
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2010, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/188 "2010-03-21T13:40:26Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > One of my other co-workers says, “I didn’t know Santa Claus was Chinese.” > > “Of course he is,” I say, “Where do you think he gets all those toys?” In a toy store, another customer asks where a toy was made. China. I said "that’s why it’s so heavy. It’s full of lead. ---
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2010, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/189 "2010-03-21T13:55:05Z")
In a grocery store checkout line on Feb 2nd (groundhog day) the customer ahead of me is talking to the cashier and asks “If the groundhog sees his shadow, we get 6 more weeks of winter. What do we get if he doesn’t?” I chimed in with “A month and a half”. Lots of laughter, due to this area’s harsh winters. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2010, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/190 "2010-03-21T15:12:47Z")
I was talking to a member of my company’s Board of Directors, who told his favorite story about being courted by an elite country club in the 1950’s, back when anti-Semitism was rampant. Back then, as a young up-and-comer he found out he was being considered to become their “token Jew” - and he would have none of it. At the cocktail party where he was being assessed, the lead Reviewer Guy, let’s call him Waspy McWaspington, approach him. Every article of clothing Waspy was wearing had golf logos on it - the shirt, pants, the belt, the blazer, the tie - all covered with little knit clubs or balls or golfers. You get the idea. My guy looks at Waspy and says "wow, you really like golf!’ To which Waspy replies “why, yes, I do” …to which my guy follows up with “thank god you don’t like fucking!” He didn’t get in… …but you should hear the pride in his voice when he tells that story… ---
**Author:** ![figure9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@figure9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/figure9)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/191 "2010-03-22T00:03:43Z")
At dinner my daughter said that if the TV show 2 and 1/2 men was canceled, they should make a new show called 2 and 1/2 women. My son looked at my wife and said. “Mom you would be perfect for that part.” ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/192 "2010-03-22T00:06:25Z")
When talking about possible holiday destinations, my mum said “I don’t want to dictate France”. I told her I was glad to hear she’d got over the Napolean complex. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/193 "2010-03-22T00:41:33Z")
> [@figure9](#): > > At dinner my daughter said that if the TV show 2 and 1/2 men was canceled, they should make a new show called 2 and 1/2 women. My son looked at my wife and said. “Mom you would be perfect for that part.” Wow. I am so sorry to hear about this :(. When was his funeral? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![RalfCoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@RalfCoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RalfCoder)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/194 "2010-03-22T01:19:16Z")
We were at my 8 year old niece’s birthday party today, and one of her aunts was dishing out cake and ice cream. You need to know that the aunt and I razz each other back and forth, in a good-natured way. There was 3 kinds of ice cream (My sister does birthdays big time for her kids) Auntie asked each person what kind of ice cream they wanted. As she did this, a scoop came out of the spoon and landed on the table. She grabbed it with her bare hand and plopped it down on the plate. I said, “None for me, thanks”. Everyone roared, except that she glared at me. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750/195 "2010-03-22T02:01:47Z")
My stepson JP and I were watching old episodes of _Unsolved Mysteries_. Earlier we’d been watching MST3K, so we were riffing on the UM episodes. One of the episodes featured an interview of a college-age guy whose mother had mysteriously vanished. “When she hadn’t come home by midnight, I knew she was dead,” he said. I riffed: “Yeah, but that one time you said Mom was dead and she was just taking a nap!” JP shook with laughter for a good three minutes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-liners-youve-said-that-brought-down-the-house/511750.md?page=9)