Y’know, Dave Barry’s been on the downhill shitslide for quite some time now. I have been telling myself that he can’t retire until someone who’s as good as he used to be comes along.
Well, Sauron? What the hell have you been waiting for?
Another Sauron classic. Bravo, sir.
**Sauron ** I will admit, it was funny, but you are indeed, a pussy.
And what did you expect 7 year old boys to be like on a feild trip? The Von Trapp Family Children before Maria came into their lives?
Shirley, your husband and I are related…whenever my husband has to work a long weekend, or goes out of town, I pack the kids and go to my mothers. She feeds us. She helps with the kids. All is good.
Otherwise, my husband would come home to a drooling idiot…“SpongBob Squarepants, SpongBob Squarepants, SpongBob Squarepants…”
Sauron, one other question remains regarding the Mini-Saurons…
Couldn’t you have gotten the Orcs or the Uruks keep an eye (pun intended) on the kids, or would they attempt to eat the kids?
Wow, a number of issues to address. Fortunately, I have my address book with me. (Haw!)
Well, “Dancing Queen” has never been a particular favorite. However, “Money, Money, Money”, “Does Your Mother Know” and “Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)” have been known to make me rawk out. (Picture me with forefinger and pinky extended here.)
Isn’t that just like a woman. You left out the middle of the day! Does no one understand the concept of the “nooner” anymore? Sheesh.
LifeOnWry: Take Dave Barry’s place? Impossible. For me, it’s all about the art, the connection, the thrill of taking life’s foibles and turning them into something poignant and amusing. Dave does it for the money.
MacTech: The Orcs and the Uruk-Hai have let me know, in no uncertain terms, that they will no longer watch the Minions after the unfortunate Diaper Explosion/Fingerpaint Exhibition of 2002, in which all of the children participated. I will let you in on a little secret, though: Originally, the Hand insignia used by the Uruk-Hai wasn’t white; it was more of a yellowish-brown.
For everyone who complimented the rant: Thank you.
Dear Sauron,
You are living my life in fast forward. My oldest son’s (yes, he’s 7) Cub Scout trip is to the USS NJ (moored semi-permanently in Camden) is in May. BUT…I’m leaving my 18 month old boy with my wife. He’s extremely attached to her and is going through a stage where he cries constantly if anyone else watches him but her. I just survived the camping trip with snoring as well. The most memorable moment to me was the Long Hot Shower on Sunday morning and then later, my active prayers to the Lord for creating the Certa Extra-Firm Mattress.
Still, since you’ve done the Battleship Trip already, there are questions that I’d like to ask you, if you have a moment:
*Another Cub Scout dad dared me to bring White Castle hamburgers to the overnight. Given the cramped quarters and toxicity of the gas that occurs 4-6 hours afterwards, should I pack a filtered breather or a full gas mask?
*When bringing White Castles aboard a ship of the line, how many are supposed to be given to the crew? Or do you just give half to the captain & let him sort out who’ll be fit for duty in the morning?
*I, too, will no doubt be asked to see if I can bribe the gunnery officer to ‘let one fly’ (no, we’re past the White Castles…we’re talking about the 16" shells).
If I’m successful, since the ship is moored in NJ, I obviously can’t dare them to blow anything up in NJ. So… what’s a good target in Philadelphia…? Now remember: Veterans Stadium has already been levelled this week, so the obvious first choice is out. I mean, you could land a few salvos in there now & nobody would know the difference. (That reminds me: Does anyone remember where that ‘M.O.V.E’ headquarters is or was…?)
*What 5 things did you pack that on Sunday you thought were totally stupid to lug around when you unpacked your bags Sunday?
*What 5 things did other people pack that you could have kicked yourself for not thinking of first?
*Would you bring snacks or juice drinks & the like along for your boy if you were doing it again?
*Will cell phones work from ‘the brig’?
*How strict are Atlantic City casinos on that “No one under 18 is allowed on the gambling floor” thing?
Any help that you could provide would be Greatly Appreciated!
-Quietman
quietman1920:
Before I respond to your request for advice, I feel I should share the following:
I am terrible at advice. The last time I tried to advise anyone of anything was 2001, when I told my dog that he should stop licking his privates. He still licks merrily away. So be forewarned.
I’d go with the full oxygen tent, myself. Or drop the kids off at the ship, throw in the White Castle burgers, and then drive to the nearby hotel where you thoughtfully made a reservation a few days earlier.
Or you could respond to the dad in time-honored Cub Scout fashion: “Dares go first.”
See, I bet this is why the park employees wouldn’t fire the guns for me. I tried to bribe with money, not with food.
My ignorance of Philadelphia geography prevents me from giving you a concise answer. But since you’re up north, you’re bound to hit a Yankee. Shoot wherever you want.
Excellent question. We had taken towels and wash cloths, because showers were available on the ship. We didn’t shower, so that was wasted. Ditto on the soap and the shampoo. I took a windbreaker that I wore for maybe 30 minutes when we got up Saturday morning. Not really worth the effort to pack.
Another good one. Let’s see. A flashlight would have been good to have. It’s probably a good idea to take some Tylenol or something, because both you and the boy will bang your shins/head/feet multiple times. Plus your legs/feet will be sore from traipsing all over the ship. And, of course, some Beano or something to help ward off those White Castle gas explosions.
Oh, yeah. We took some snacks and such with us, and we stopped a couple of times on the trip down for rest/snack breaks. (Mobile is about a four-hour trip from where we live.)
One word of advice: If one of the boys brings a five-gallon tub of popcorn as a snack, don’t let him carry it around the ship. One of the kids in our Den was holding the popcorn tub instead of the handrail coming down the (very very steep) stairs and lost his footing. Wasn’t terribly hurt, but he sniffled for a while. Popcorn went everywhere.
I dunno. Mine didn’t. Worked fine on deck, not at all belowdeck. Of course, maybe there was some combination of buttons to push that would have allowed me to use the phone. I’m a newbie at most cell phones.
I dunno. Play it safe. Put on dark glasses and tell the casino staff that your son is your seeing-eye kid. If they refuse him entry, you can sue and be set for life.
Quoted for truth. Funny thread gives Olent big chuckles.
Oh, and as regards your advice about hitting Yankees in Philadelphia, Sauron… you go right ahead. Just don’t come crying to us when you have to rebuild Atlanta again.
Fair enough. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that I don’t like Atlanta that much either, so it’s not a big deal to me if y’all burn it down again.
I feel that I must disagree: I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated your advice.
The ship is about 2+ hours away and I have no doubt that I’ll be taking Quietson to BK or McDonalds, depending on who has the cooler happy meal toy that week <sigh> for lunch.
The snacks & juice packs were intended for later: during the tour, at the bunks but before lights out, etc. I’m well aware that drinks for kids provided wil range from water to a powdered drink cooler with a ratio of one teaspoon Kool-aid per 5 gallons of water.
Yes, I know that I probably shouldn’t bring it unless I have enough to share (but my gas-mask is my own). Still, its my cub who’ll go without if I don’t and he really has been very good. I’m thinking that if we consider that he hates showers, that we both can wear jeans 2 days in a row, I can scrap enough packed stuff to bring durable snacks & 6 juice packs. (Yes, I’ll take him to the head after all that juice)
I just want to avoid the SNAFU that happened on the camp trip when they told us not to bring any food/snacks and then brought in Boy Scout beef stew for dinner. They didn’t tell us that the beef stew had stickers on it celebrating the 1985 Boy Scout Jamboree. I think someone’s now trying to sell the sealed tins on E*bay…
When my grandmother died last year my husband vounteered to stay here with the kids while I went with my family for the funeral. I left Thursday night and Friday morning he was calling me on the cell phone crying and begging me to come home. I should mention that we left Thursday night after the kids were asleep. When I came back with my parents and sister two days later my house was smelly and messy, the kids were dirty and there was fast food trash all over the front room. Apparently they didn’t even make it near the kitchen. Took me 15 minutes to tell the kids to get in the tub, pick up trash, open windows and start a load of laundry, took me another 6 weeks before I could look at him without him flinching. How could he let my Mother see my house and kids look that bad?
This OP was brought to you by Sauron.
Sauron–Keeping people hooked on the SDMB since 1999. 
It’s all about the kickbacks, baby.
Shit, you bastards come on down. You’ll die of old age on I-75/85.
That’s $5 worth of funny right there!
Sauron, you just crack me up; BUT you, sir, are a WUSS.
Of course, I am a woman and could do all that with hand tied behind my back, come home, do ten loads of laundry, bathe the kids, clean the house, ad nauseam. 
My husband on the other hand, well, he’s just like you. I fear for my kiddos. I have to go to Ft McCoy, Wisconsin in May for a symposium/conference. I know I will come home to the following:
No clean towels or clothes.
Pizza boxes and fast food wrappers.
Total pandemonium.
I don’t understand why because I very thoughtfully purchase EASY meals to cook for he and the Tater kids. (NOTE: Easy food=frozen meals or at least easy frozen meals you dump in a skillet and heat up for 10 minutes). I even buy paper plates!!! However, in typical male fashion, he wimps out and takes them to his mother or my mother’s home for meals or buys the aforementioned pizzas and fast food.
Tsk, I don’t know what you men would do without us women!
amen!
so, you think you’re travelling 75S in the HOV lane, huh? and what’s this? the two lanes to my right are 85N? and 75S is further to the right? hmm, better get over. hey, don’t you see my turn signal? oh, man! i’m trapped!
wait, it says you can go 75S in the HOV lane folling the left exit! ok, here i go… damnit, it’s a turn signal. shit, what’s up with the embankment?
oh well, where does 85N take us? maybe we can turn around here on this state road, what is it, GA400?
bwah ha haa!
/hijack.
A third of The New Army of the Potomac would be spread out all over 285, a third would be trying desperately to figure out which one is 75 and which one is 85 and how to stay on the one they want, and the last third would be sitting behind the fucking idiot at the tollbooth on 400 who drove into the .50 ONLY lane and doesn’t have any change.