# One of the best quotes in a news story I've ever seen... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 29, 2002, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450 "2002-12-29T02:12:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2002, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/1 "2002-12-29T02:12:06Z")
Is [here](http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/South/12/28/offbeat.robo.deer.ap/index.html), in a story about how fake robotic deer fool poachers. > [@](#): > > “Then the guy all of the sudden slammed on the brakes, vaults out of the truck, takes out a big sheath knife, tackles it, and knocks it to the ground,” Kirkland said. “The head rolls off.” > > The man got up mumbling about game officers and drove off. **No arrest was made because there’s nothing illegal about tackling a deer.** I love it! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2002, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/2 "2002-12-29T08:18:49Z")
Somebody got in trouble for beating up a bear, so why are dear open season for the ruffians? Seriously, though, anyone who can catch a deer can do whatever they want to it, in my book. I’ve never managed to walk within ten feet of one. Maybe try the Ford Prefect method. ---
**Author:** ![Wonko\_The\_Sane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/258eb7/32.png) [@Wonko\_The\_Sane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wonko_The_Sane)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/3 "2002-12-30T15:46:54Z")
The trick is, to emit just the right smell… Phermones. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/4 "2002-12-30T16:01:45Z")
Personally, I find this to be a disturbing trend. Sure, today it’s fine to tackle deer, but what’s next? Burrow owls? Wolverines? When will the madness end? ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/5 "2002-12-30T17:12:42Z")
Well, **Leaper** , that’s pretty good. But this is better: Disclaimer: Someone started a thread about this not long ago, but I couldn’t find it. Anyway, from [here.](http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20021220/od_nm/monkeys_dc_1) > [@](#): > > Californian Robert Cusack has been sentenced to 57 days in jail for trying to smuggle the monkeys, a total of four exotic birds and 50 rare orchids into Los Angeles Airport after a trip to Thailand, officials said on Thursday. > > Assistant U.S. Attorney Joseph Johns said Cusack had been undergoing a routine inspection when he arrived last June until an official opened his suitcase. > > “It became non-routine when they opened his luggage and a bird of paradise took off flying in the terminal,” Johns said. > > Johns said the agents found three more birds in his bag, tucked into nylon stockings, along with 50 orchids of a threatened species. > > Asked by agents if he had anything else to tell them, Cusack responded: **"Yes, I’ve got monkeys in my pants."** Beat that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/6 "2002-12-30T18:01:08Z")
> [@](#): > > No arrest was made because there’s nothing illegal about tackling a deer. What a slippery slope; first, it was cow-tipping… ---
**Author:** ![Lure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ba8739/32.png) [@Lure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lure)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/7 "2002-12-30T18:22:35Z")
> [@](#): > > Personally, I find this to be a disturbing trend. Sure, today it’s fine to tackle deer, but what’s next? Burrow owls? **Wolverines?** When will the madness end. I make the wolverine a 1-2 shot to end it 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Amp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Amp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amp)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/8 "2002-12-30T18:30:21Z")
If someone can take down a wolverine with his/her bear hands, they are the king of the forest in my book. ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/9 "2002-12-30T18:42:18Z")
If they have bear hands, I think they’d be able to take anything. ---
**Author:** ![Amp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Amp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amp)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/10 "2002-12-30T18:45:48Z")
You know what I meant. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/11 "2002-12-30T18:50:51Z")
There was a story here in Michigan a while back about a redneck who went off in the woods (near Allegan, I think), dressed in football gear. He then snuck up on a deer and attempted to engage it in hand-to-hand combat. It promptly beat him senseless. Wish I could find a cite for that one… I’d pay good money for people to try that with a wolverine. ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/12 "2002-12-30T19:29:21Z")
I can’t find a cite for it, but on Leno a few nights ago, he read a quote from the sports section about a local defenseman: “22 quarterbacks have felt his sack.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/13 "2002-12-31T07:30:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wikkit \* > \*\*Somebody got in trouble for beating up a bear, so why are dear open season for the ruffians? > > Seriously, though, anyone who can catch a deer can do whatever they want to it, in my book. I’ve never managed to walk within ten feet of one. > > Maybe try the Ford Prefect method. \*\* Ok, so what is the Ford Prefect method? 😕 How ya doin **wikkit**? ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/14 "2002-12-31T07:58:10Z")
Doin OK, you? Did you see the ChiDope thread? Douglas Adams’ _The Restaurant at the End of the Universe_, chapter 30. (on acquiring animal skins and furs on a primitive planet) > [@](#): > > Ford’s technique seemed to consist mainly of standing still for a while and smiling. > > After a while an animal — a deer perhaps — would appear from out of the trees and watch him cautiously. Ford would continue to smile at it, his eyes would soften and shine, and he would seem to radiate a deep and universal love, a love which reached out to embrace all of creation. A wonderful quietness would descend on the surrounding countryside, peaceful and serene, emanating from this transfigured man. Slowly the deer would approach, step by step, until it was almost nuzzling him, whereupon Ford Prefect would reach out to it and break its neck. > > "Pheromone control,’’ he said it was, "you just have to know how to generate the right smell.’’ ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/15 "2002-12-31T08:13:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wikkit \* > > Douglas Adams’ _The Restaurant at the End of the Universe_, chapter 30. > > (on acquiring animal skins and furs on a primitive planet) \*\* Thanks-- I learn something new every day. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/16 "2002-12-31T08:50:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ringo \* > \*\*What a slippery slope; first, it was cow-tipping… \*\* Well, we are mostly harmless… ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/17 "2002-12-31T09:04:25Z")
It’s too damned bad that the old internet gem about the [frog-gigging Arkansans](http://www.snopes.com/index.html) is utter crap, because the following quote would have been a contender for all-time greatest: > [@](#): > > “Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might have been dead,” stated Wallis. Note: they changed the text from the original on the Snopes article. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/18 "2002-12-31T10:35:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ogre \* > \*\*It’s too damned bad that the old internet gem about the [frog-gigging Arkansans](http://www.snopes.com/index.html) is utter crap, because the following quote would have been a contender for all-time greatest: > > Note: they changed the text from the original on the Snopes article. \*\* Damn, that was a Lewis Black bit, too. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-of-the-best-quotes-in-a-news-story-ive-ever-seen/145450/19 "2002-12-31T17:53:37Z")
Not real news and not a news story, but one of the tabloids (The Star?) had Tabby Awards. J-Lo won the award for the celebrity who most often said “Does my ass look fat in this wedding dress?” Cracked me up, I tell ya.