# "One-Ton Tomato" and other ruined songs **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 26, 2006, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363 "2006-08-26T21:54:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2006, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/41 "2006-08-27T23:44:19Z")
[QUOTE=aruvqan] Almost any Emily Dickenson poem can be sung to The Yellow Rose of Texas [/QUOTE] Along the same lines, “Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening” can be sung to the tune of “Hernando’s Hideaway,” so instead of “There IS…a DARK…se-clud-ed PLACE,” I always think, “Whose WOODS…these ARE…I think I KNOW.” ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/42 "2006-08-28T00:07:38Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > Oh, the Danube is green as the grass in the spring > It’s as green as the dollar you spent on a fling > It’s as green as the paint that you put on the screen > Itr’s as blue as, the Danube is greener than green. Until just now I had thought line 3 was _It’s as green as the page of a book on the screen_. Thanks. Because that made no sense whatsoever. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/43 "2006-08-28T00:21:41Z")
[QUOTE=freckafree] Along the same lines, “Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening” can be sung to the tune of “Hernando’s Hideaway,” so instead of “There IS…a DARK…se-clud-ed PLACE,” I always think, “Whose WOODS…these ARE…I think I KNOW.” [/QUOTE] And further - I’m not the one who thought this up, but passing it along should be good for a few more millenia in purgatory - if there were such a thing: Amazing Grace can be sung to the tune of “Gilligan’s Island”. Kind of perks it up a bit. It can also be sung to the tune of “House of the Rising Sun” - which actually sounds pretty good. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/44 "2006-08-28T02:17:14Z")
And “Advance Australia Fair”, the national anthem Down Under. _When you’re balls hit a tree you no longer can pee, that’s Amore_ … Can anyone hear the “Colonel Bogey March” without thinking _Comet … will make your mouth turn greeeeen_ etc.? ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/45 "2006-08-28T02:30:31Z")
[QUOTE=ElvisL1ves] Can anyone hear the “Colonel Bogey March” without thinking _Comet … will make your mouth turn greeeeen_ etc.? [/QUOTE] Yes, that indeed, and also… Herman, what have you done to me? Herman, you’ll have to marry me. Herman, you were determined And now it’s Herman and Sherman and me. I thought the other day that, in the U.S. at least, _The Battle Hymn of the Republic_ must be one of the most widely parodied songs. One of many variations: Glory, glory, hallelujiah! Teacher hit me with a ruler! I socked her in the bean with a rotten tangerine, and her teeth came marching out. ---
**Author:** ![Julius\_Henry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8797f3/32.png) [@Julius\_Henry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Julius_Henry)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/46 "2006-08-28T03:15:47Z")
[QUOTE=doverpro] _Stranger in the night You’re weird in daytime But you’re stranger in the night_ [/QUOTE] You never heard this version: _Strangers in the night, Friends in the morning._ ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/47 "2006-08-28T03:21:23Z")
_Strangers in the night Exchanging rubbers This one’s too tight I’ll try another…_ _Daniel Boone was a man Yes a biiiiig man But the bear was bigger So he ran like a n_\*\*_r up a tree_ ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/48 "2006-08-28T03:25:28Z")
[QUOTE=rowrrbazzle] “When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That’s glaucoma.” [/QUOTE] The [Bulwer-Lytton](http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/) contest a few years ago had an execrable entry that ruined this one for me. It was about a cow who proposed that the cattle no longer needed Farmer Pietro to provide warmed stalls for them, since their own lowing would keep them warm, and ended by warning the cows: “When the mooing heats our isle, I can beat Pete’s supply–eat some more hay!” I can no longer hear the song in my head without these words. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/49 "2006-08-28T03:50:29Z")
Can anyone hear Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze” now without thinking Jimi says, “Excuse me while I kiss this guy?” How about: Jingle Bells Batman smells Robin laid an egg The Batmobile lost its wheels And the Joker got away And, what about that marching tune (I looked it up; it’s the Colonel Bogey March and was the theme song for those Getty Gas commercials about 25 year ago) that has acquired the lyrics: Hitler, he only had one ball, Goering, had two but very small, Himmler had something simmler, But poor old Goebbels had no balls at all. To the tune of “Yesterday” Leprosy I’m not half the man I used to be There are pieces hanging off of me Oh leprosy is killing me… ---
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/50 "2006-08-28T06:12:31Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] _Daniel Boone was a man Yes a biiiiig man But the bear was bigger So he ran like a n_\*\*_r up a tree_ [/QUOTE] You know, until now, I’d always believed my husband made that one up. He and his buddy in high school were constantly making up crap lyrics to songs and I just thought this one was another one of those! ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/51 "2006-08-28T06:36:05Z")
“The Irish Washer Woman” Damn. I had forgotten. Isaac Azimov once wrote an intro or essay in which he put the chemical paradimethylaminobenzaldehyde to that tune. I think he said it was dactylic tetrameter. It was in response to someone saying that it was a difficult word to pronounce. The poor guy got a demonstration of the song when he didn’t know what dactylic tetramet was. Left him open mouthed in the hall of the Chem Building. I sang it to my kids once, when they were small and they thought I was singing in Irish. Not only do I hear it when I hear the tune, it’s probably the only way I ever would have remembered a word like paradimethylaminobenzaldehyde. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/52 "2006-08-28T07:33:23Z")
Here’s another from Sex to Sexty–sung to the tune of “Red River Valley”: _From poor Sally they say you are running With your pants hanging over your arm And her Pappy a-cussin’ behind you Though you swear that you meant her no harm. You were paid to pitch hay, not make whoopee Now poor Sally has swollen from woo So remember poor bed-ridden Sally And the shotgun that’s waitin’ for you!_ And sung to the tune of “Marianne”: _All day, all night, Marianne, Who the hell you think I am, Superman?_ 😃 The “Colonel Bogey” Comet song in full (see [www.amiright.com](http://www.amiright.com) ): _Comet, it makes your mouth turn green Comet, it tastes like Listerine Comet, it makes you vomit So get some Comet and vomit today!_ ---
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/53 "2006-08-28T07:39:29Z")
To the tune of Turkey in the Straw, it was the song my dad used as a lullaby for my kids. We were fighting on the Nile all the while, all the while We were fighting on the Nile all the while, all the while We were fighting on the Nile all the while, all the while We were fighting on the Nile all the while, all the while. Second verse: We were fighting … ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/54 "2006-08-28T07:54:01Z")
[QUOTE=thirdwarning] To the tune of Turkey in the Straw, it was the song my dad used as a lullaby for my kids. [/QUOTE] Speaking of “Turkey in the Straw,” Garry Moore (or George Gobel) came up with this version: _Oh, I had a little chicken and she wouldn’t lay an egg So I poured some hot water on her right-hand leg Then I poured some hot water on her left-hand leg Now my little chicken laid a hard-boiled egg!_ The “Toreador-a” song was from the Beverly Cleary book \*Otis Spofford \* (1953). ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/55 "2006-08-28T10:42:04Z")
Thanks, guys. I’m going to have incredibly bad parody songs stuck in my head all day! :eek: Just for that, here’s _The Irish Washerwoman_ turned into the (Ted) Kennedy rag: > [@](#): > > O-o-o-oh! Your mother is dead > And your father is dead > And your brother is dead > And your car it don’t float! I have the [Capitol Steps](http://www.capsteps.com/) to thank for ruining a perfectly good love song. Let me set the scene. The gentleman and I are in a movie theater watching _Phantom Of the Opera_. I’d wanted to see it for ages and love the music. The movie gets to the point where they sing “The Music Of the Night”, which to me is a rather romantic song. Unfortunately, the gentleman next to me was trying hard to keep from laughing out loud. You see, he was used listening to a rather different version – the Capitol Steps parody, “The Loonies of the Right”! I’ll see if I can get you a bit of the lyrics later. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/56 "2006-08-28T12:13:36Z")
Forbidden Broadway has altered many a Broadway melody for me… “Moving Out” came about, now it plays in a strange place And my songs are performed by a rock and roll elf. While a singer contorts with his crotch in his own face. I don’t think it’s okay that he plays with himself. I never said you could make Uptown Girl a disco dance. I never wrote for twinkies in tight pants. You’ve got me wrong, I don’t belong. I’m not a Broadway fan of Jerry Herman. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/57 "2006-08-28T12:39:26Z")
Pepper Mill can’t hear “The Ride of the Valkyrie” or “The Blue Danube” without thinking of Warner Brothers cartoons. They’ve definitely been ruined for her. (For me, “THe Blue Danube” conjures up **2001**. Different tastes…) And, of course, Allan Sherman has ruined “Dance of the Hours” with his “Hello Muddah” song. **Eve** has mentioned the Gilligan’s Island verses for Carmen that infect me, as well, but another revision of that era is the “Happy Anniversary” lyrics to the “William Tell Overture” that appeared on "The Flintstones in the 1960s. I’m surprised how many people seem to know this, evenm though AFAIK it only appeared in the one episode: “Happy Ann-i-ver-sary Happy Ann-i-ver-sary Happy Ann-i-ver-sary Ha-----ppy Anniversary!” By the way, although all the lyric books show it as “One Ton Tomato”, my father always heard “Guantanamera” at “One Ton of Metal”, which fits a bit better. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Eater\_in\_the\_Round](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/71c47a/32.png) [@The\_Eater\_in\_the\_Round](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Eater_in_the_Round)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/58 "2006-08-28T14:49:33Z")
Being one of my favorite tunes I hate that I can’t shake these lyrics taught to me by my 5th grade teacher: It’s a bird, it’s a plane no it’s Mozart and his fortieth symphony. . . Another tune I love that I can’t help but ruin is Copeland’s Hoedown from his ballet Rodeo. After the movement ends I must say out-loud: BEEF, it’s what’s for dinner! ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/59 "2006-08-28T17:23:28Z")
Emily Dickenson Poems fit to either the Yellow Rose of Texas or Gilligan’s Island. They also work for Amazing Grace but it’s a lot more fun to sing them fast: _Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality._ Add me to the list that sings “Neither a borrower not a lender be…” thanks to Gilligan’s Island. There’s also: _The Blue Danube Waltz By Straus, the louse. He lives in a house with Mickey Mouse._ ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2006, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363/60 "2006-08-28T17:52:56Z")
[QUOTE=Belrix] Emily Dickenson Poems fit to either the Yellow Rose of Texas or Gilligan’s Island. [/QUOTE] I always wanted to hire a jug band, dress up like Minnie Pearl, and sing Emily Dickinson to the tune of Yellow Rose of Texas: I’d call my show “The Cow-Belle of Amherst.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/one-ton-tomato-and-other-ruined-songs/370363.md?page=4)