# Ongoing thread: The story of a five-dollar bill **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 16, 2002, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089 "2002-11-16T23:55:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2002, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/41 "2002-11-18T13:02:06Z")
…which set the building ablaze. Offshore, a band of bloodthirsty pirates saw the blaze, & sailed in to loot the city. Encountering a man in a Barney the Dinosaur costume, the savage buccaneers proceeded to… ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2002, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/42 "2002-11-18T17:23:10Z")
…offer the Dinosaur a fiver to show the world what Barney’s REALLY hiding under that big furry tail of his. Bobby-Joe Spondivitz, the man beneath the fur, took the fiver, flashed the pirates and ran like all heck for his 1989 Honda Civic with the ’ Born To Emulate An Immense Dinosaur" bumper sticker on the back of it. He tripped over his enormous tail before he reached safety, and Cecil The Evil Pirate Captain grasped **26F** from the furry mitts of Bobby-Joe Spondivitz and turned to his swarthy crew, raised the bill over his head and in a clear, loud, piercing Mid-Western accent decried for all to hear, "… ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2002, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/43 "2002-11-18T19:40:54Z")
“I’m going down the street to the 7-11 and buy a six pack.” He paid for the six pack with **26F**. Later, the cashier gave **26F** as change to a little old lady who popped in to buy a package of… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2002, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/44 "2002-11-18T20:05:45Z")
…Amelia Erheart memorial facial tissues… ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2002, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/45 "2002-11-18T22:02:29Z")
“AAAACCCCCHHHHHOOOOOOOOO”, the little old lady said, and pulled a tissue out, but it got caught in the wind. Luckily, it was blown, fully exteded, into her face. Nearby, Chuck Pantsaroundankles, was drunk. Again. But he looked up from his gutter, and saw Amelia Earhart, his childhood hero, walking down the street. It was then and there he swore he would never drink again. And he didn’t. So he soon died of dehydration. But back to the 26F… ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2002, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/46 "2002-11-18T23:38:31Z")
…which was lifted by a pickpocket, while the little old lady was wrestling with the facial tissue. The street urchin quickly ducked into an alley, where… ---
**Author:** ![ThreeLeggedBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ThreeLeggedBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThreeLeggedBob)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/47 "2002-11-19T00:27:22Z")
he promptly tripped over Bob Dole, who was inexplicably lying there in a Pepsi T-shirt and nothing else. The five dollar bill flew out of the pickpocket’s hands, wafted this way and that in the wind, and finally started to rise more or less vertically into the air above a subway vent… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/48 "2002-11-19T04:04:20Z")
…and, as the two trains below passed and separated, the updraft ceased, and reversed. The bill was abruptly sucked through the subway grating, whirled through a dirty concrete vent chamber, and came to rest on the wooden cover that guarded the third rail of the subway track. The motion attracted the attention of an adorable little boy on the subway platform. He looked around. His parents were distracted by the crowd. He let go of his teddy-bear and… ---
**Author:** ![TVGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/82dd89/32.png) [@TVGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/49 "2002-11-19T05:20:50Z")
… got within 6 inches of jumping down on to the tracks to retrieve the money when he was rescued by a subway worker who happened to be passing doing track inspections. The little boy was actually the first born and only child of Mr. and Mrs. Ashley Von Velder, the city’s richest and most powerful couple who were on their way back from the opera with the child (they always liked to travel on public transit to give the illusion that they were still “of the people”.) As the subway worker was picking **26F** off the third rail cover, Mr. Ashley Van Velder, in gratitude for the quick action of the subway worker in saving the little Von Velder asked the subway worker if he … ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/50 "2002-11-19T11:37:44Z")
…would like a better job. Van Velder asked him to come to his office the next day, since he was looking for a supervisor for the maintenance of a skyscraper he owned in Chicago. 🙂 Back to 26F…Van Velder paid off a bet to a rich friend of his, Jack Sharp, who had beaten Van Velder in golf the day before. Jack’s wife Eloise, a prudent–and prolific–woman, gave 26F to Owen, the youngest of her 15 kids, as a reward for getting an A in Solid Geometry. Owen inherited his Mom’s prudence and thrift, and he… ---
**Author:** ![Lazlo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lazlo/32/9678_2.png) [@Lazlo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lazlo)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/51 "2002-11-19T15:11:34Z")
bought thirty packs of ramen noodles and a pair of soiled undies from the prostitute-run 7-11. 26F was then given in change to… ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/52 "2002-11-19T15:17:49Z")
…one of the johns who came in for a Big Gulp and a…big gulp. He was mighty satisfied with his purchases, and a bit woozy after the second one. He failed to carefully put 26F away, instead just shoving into his jacket pocket. 26F fell out of his pocket and was picked up by… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/53 "2002-11-19T15:23:28Z")
…a university student named Bob, on his way home. He had just failed his remedial Intro to Solid Geometry exam; his girlfriend had just left him in favour of someone ‘who actually had some ambition and balls’; his roommate hadn’t paid his share of the rent again; and he was thinking about ending it all. Then he saw the banknote. ---
**Author:** ![Lazlo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lazlo/32/9678_2.png) [@Lazlo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lazlo)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/54 "2002-11-19T15:30:24Z")
and called 212-015-0154, which turned out to be an escort service. As luck would have it, Bob was the 100,000 caller and was given a free outing with three of their most popular ladies, including the dry cleaner’s girlfriend. She saw 26F and recognized her boyfriend’s handwriting and… ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/55 "2002-11-19T16:54:51Z")
was suddenly reminded that he was indeed the one true love of her life and she was throwing it all way by continuing to work for an escort service. Bob gave the dry cleaner’s girlfriend **26f** as a tip. She then went to the 7-11 where she used **26f** to buy a pack of cigarettes and a pack of cherry cough drops. The prostitute/clerk at the 7-11, after copying down the dry cleaner’s phone number, then gave **26f** as change to Bob Dole who had just purchased a Pepsi Blue [sup]TM[/sup] and a hand job. Bob left the 7-11 with **26f** and went to… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/56 "2002-11-19T17:46:29Z")
…hail a cab. But this time 26F stayed in his wallet. Sometime later, back at his office, Mr Dole gave the note as part of a thank-you for services renderd to a departing intern. The intern, a junior law student finishing up an overseas work term, returned to university in Aix-en-Provence, France. Banknote 26F ended up in the till of a foreign-exchange booth at CdG Airport outside Paris. It was given to an Armenian software engineer when the engineer traded in his remaining euros for US dollars before a trip to a open-source embedded-design conference in California. On the plane, high above the Atlantic… ---
**Author:** ![Eleusis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Eleusis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eleusis)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/57 "2002-11-19T18:01:17Z")
…the engineer tried to buy a wine spritzer from the flight attendant and paid with 26F. The flight attendant, who was retiring after 35 years of dedicated service, scolded the Armenian software engineer and said she was not allowed to date passengers, and how dare he be so arrogant as to try to slip her his phone number on a five dollar bill. She decided he had probably had enough to drink, and refused service, returning the fiver. ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/58 "2002-11-19T19:27:18Z")
The engineer was undaunted, however, and terribly horny. He skipped the conference and rented a car on the company tab for a quick trip to Vegas, figuring that a little gambling and a prostitue or two was better than some stuffy open source conference. He used 26F to tip a waitress in the hotel bar in the hope that she would leap on him in joyous ecstasy for being such a big tipper. She didn’t. Instead she… ---
**Author:** ![Orange\_Skinner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3be4f8/32.png) [@Orange\_Skinner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orange_Skinner)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/59 "2002-11-19T20:20:42Z")
…rushed over to the drug store after work. Her infected boils were all aflame again, and scathingly itchy. It was time for some ointment. Lots of ointment. More oinment than you could shake an infected boil at. Scratching at her inner thighs and the webbing between her disfigured toes by turn, the waitress forked over 26F and purchased a Family Size Tub of Big John’s Boil Cream. Cos if it’s a big boil, it’s gotta be Big John’s. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2002, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/60 "2002-11-19T20:56:33Z")
After a few uneventful months in the drug store’s safe, 26F was finally given as change to a shy, awkward, high school senior who was buying deodorant for his big date. Since he knew his crush object was a slightly nerdy type herself, and into all things Japanese, he made her a truly exquisite origami five-dollar-bill-ring. Sadly, it was folded out of 31E, a cocky, fresh, crisp, 5-dollar bill. 26F, wrinkled, smelly and worn, next… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089.md?page=4)