# Ongoing thread: The story of a five-dollar bill **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 16, 2002, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089 "2002-11-16T23:55:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/101 "2002-11-21T17:20:31Z")
… and c) that he’s just hit a caribou, which has made points (a) and (b) somewhat moot due to the excessive crumpling of the hood and engine of his car. He tries to flag down some help, and a car finally stops. The car is driven by… ---
**Author:** ![flood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@flood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flood)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/102 "2002-11-21T17:25:03Z")
…a lonely couple that just happened to be driving along when this unfortunate incident occured. Unfortunately, they leave him there for fear of being some kind of caribou murdering psychopath, whereupon he… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/103 "2002-11-21T17:43:30Z")
…shakes his fist in frustration at their departing car. Traffic passes; no-one else slows down. Eventually, a public bus appears. Yes, a bus. In Los Angeles. Rudiger runs to the bus stop a few metres away, and gets on. The bus requires exact-change cash payment, and, being the houseboy of a minor member of the LA glitterati, Rudiger has none. He is forced to insert banknote 26F in payment, even though five dollars is more than two bus-fares. As the bus carries Rudiger to his destiny, the mechanical farebox stores banknote 26F in its cash vault. At the end of its run, transit staff remove the cash vault from the bus and take it to the counting area. Banknote 26F is bundled with other five-dollar bills and forwarded for deposit at the transit authority’s merchant account downtown… ---
**Author:** ![RPM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c57346/32.png) [@RPM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RPM)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/104 "2002-11-21T19:31:27Z")
…said, “What the hell, I want to have a good time with this.”, and so he proceeded to go downtown. He was looking around at all that was offered there, and really wasn’t too impressed, when all of a sudden, he noticed in a store window something he always wanted, a… ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/105 "2002-11-21T20:03:14Z")
… Malibu Barbie. He rushed into the store only to see that a little freckle-faced girl with pigtails just picked it up, and it was the last one in stock. As the little girl walked towards the register… ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/106 "2002-11-21T20:19:20Z")
she spied a “Teen Slut Brittany” doll, so she put Mailu Barbie down and bought teen slut instead. He (not sure who he is right now) picks up the Malibu Barbie along with a couple of accessories and uses **26f** as payment. The little freckle-faced girl with pigtails was the next customer in line, so she received **26f** as change. She left the toy store and went into the… ---
**Author:** ![dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dorkusmalorkusmafia/32/7266_2.png) [@dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorkusmalorkusmafia)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/107 "2002-11-21T20:22:36Z")
…car with her mother. Her mother quickly derided her for such a poor purchase and took away 26F as punishment to the daughter. The girl cried but Teen Slut Brittany made up for it with her low riding pants and open midriff shirt. She secretly longed to look like Teen slut Brittany. At least she was more realistic looking in the trailer park town than affluent Barbie. ---
**Author:** ![SandyHook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SandyHook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SandyHook)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/108 "2002-11-21T20:23:10Z")
…he realizes that, this being California in the 21st century, that he has a drop dead case of false advertising and (since his heart is broken) product liability. As luck would have it directly behind him was Franklin “Bend Over Bitch” Feinstein, attorney at law and avid Malibu Barbie collector. In minutes he has concluded an out of court settlement with the store and the transit authority man, Preston Trueheart by name, leaves the store wealthy beyond his wildest dreams. Realizing that a man of his wealth has no need of five dollar bills he… ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/109 "2002-11-21T20:39:19Z")
…attempts to donate to a local church. But, as he walks into the rectory, an FBI sting operation arrests him and confinscates all his possesions, including 26F. Former A.D. Skinner, being in charge of the evidence room after his demotion, and being quite hungry, “confinscates” (no, I can’t spell! so there!) 26F for his own use. Going down to yet another prostitute run convenience store, the aptly named Quicky Mart, Skinner runs into David Duke. Duke reminds him that he still owes him for lunch. Skinner, hating Duke, decides just to give him some hush money so he (Duke) will just shut up. 26F goes into the front pocket of Duke’s soied Levis. Later, as night begins to fall… ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/110 "2002-11-21T20:41:00Z")
soied = soiled (sorry) Later, as night begins to fall… ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/111 "2002-11-21T20:44:39Z")
David Duke took **26f** to the 7-11 where he purchased a big grab bag of Fritos [sup]TM[/sup] and a handjob from the clerk/prostitute who works there. Instead of putting **26f** into the till, the clerk/prostitute… ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/112 "2002-11-21T21:05:10Z")
So Rudiger, whose real name is Porfirio Mandelbright( of the Boca Raton Mandelbrights ), took the road not taken and headed up to the Pacific Coast Highway for a combination fuel stop/carbo run. Just a few miles north of Marina Del Playa Du Ray Aux Champagnes Du Lax, Rudiger eases his newly acquired Porsche into the full service lane of Duwayne’s All Day All Night Carboteria And Fresh Produce Mart. Rudiger pops out of the Porsche, calls out an instruction to the gasjockey and heads for the pissoir. After taking what can only be described as a pee of leviathan proportions, Rudiger washed, combed back his glossy black hair and perused the aisles, looking for just the right combo of carbos and vegetables. He finally decided upon a snack of Krispy Kreme Vanilla Double Toot Suite Ripple Surprise Compote, and a small bag of carrot sticks. He grunged around in his pants pocket, and pulled out not just our hero, 26F, but to his surprise he realized that these were NOT his pants he was wearing. Instead, they belonged to the Mysterious HouseGuest from last night. In his grimy palm he stared in awe at… ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/113 "2002-11-21T21:16:54Z")
…two completely different story threads. And a five dollar bill with his phone number written on the back. The bill was, of course, 26F. Rushing to a pay phone to check his messages, Rudiger slips on the ice of the freak LA snow storm, and slides into the open door of a stopped limo. Inside was… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/114 "2002-11-21T21:24:04Z")
[off]I think we’ve got some kind of quantum many-worlds-interpretation thing going here…[/off] ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/115 "2002-11-21T21:43:49Z")
yeah, i’m trying to “Sliding Doors” 'em together, but they’re not cooperating yet …inside was Twiggy Boy and Kevin Bacon. Rudiger said, "… ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/116 "2002-11-21T21:58:14Z")
“Hey, Kevin, I still owe you five for that bet you won last week.” Rudiger hands him the bill, 26F. A few days later, Kevin, not really watching where he’s going, steps on a mud puddle on the sidewalk, splattering a woman’s skirt with mud. She is the super-busty Sally Mears, she of countless SDMB postings, who hasn’t been able to see anything beneath her bosom since she was 12. But she has an acute tactile sense and knows when she’s been splattered with mud, and to what degree. Sally snaps at Kevin, “Look what you did! That’s going to cost me five dollars to get dry-cleaned!” Kevin meekly hands Sally the bill, and walks away. A few days later she goes to Victoria’s Secret, hoping to get a black bra in her size. She gets what she wants, and pays in cash, including 26F, but the bug-eyed male cashier becomes quite the helpless klutz, and… ---
**Author:** ![SandyHook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SandyHook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SandyHook)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2002, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/117 "2002-11-21T22:55:21Z")
…falls face first into Sally’s 17 1/2 inchs of cleavage where Sally, attempting to drag him out so she can beat the snot out of him, only manages to wedge him in further. The clerk, (who moonlights as an unknown gender prostitue on weekends), suffocates. Other patrons of Victoria’s Secret seeing the trouble call the fire department who… ---
**Author:** ![Crispy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@Crispy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crispy)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/118 "2002-11-22T02:48:20Z")
…arrive with the Jaws of Life. After staring slack-jawed at the clerk hopelessly entangled in bosom and undergarments, the firefighters deftly removed poor Cedric. Though they tried to revive him, it was simply too late. At Cedric’s funeral, a fellow Victoria’s Secret clerk walks up to Cedric’s mother and hands her 26F. The clerk told her,“I found this on the floor after the firefighters arrived. Cedric seems to have dropped it in the struggle. I thought you might want it to rememer him by.” Sobbing, Cedric’s mother… ---
**Author:** ![Speaker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Speaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/119 "2002-11-22T04:01:53Z")
invested the five spot in a bag of lemons, ice and a card table he pulled out of his basement and a bottle of his dad’s burbon, which he used to start a small restaurant which would eventually grow to a large multi-national chain. The vegetable merchant, from who Owen bought the lemons, put the 26F into the left front pocket of his smock, which is where he kept fives and tens, it stayed there until… ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089/120 "2002-11-22T04:36:52Z")
…his kid, Smookie, asks for his allowance. Veg merchant gives Smookie 26F and 3 other fivers. Armed with ready cash, Smookie goes to the mall with his friends Algeeve and Renfrack. Al of them are just now 11yrs old, so they have to bum a ride from someone. Fortunatly for them, Renfracks older sister, 16 yr old Nikki JailBait was headed that way. While on their way to the mall, Nikki asks if anyone of them has change for a twenty. and Smookie changes it for her, mesmerized by her ample breasts which are just about bursting from her two sizes too small silk blouse. Of course, 26F was a part of change for the twenty. After dropping off the boys at the front entrance of the mall, Nikki JailBait decides to… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ongoing-thread-the-story-of-a-five-dollar-bill/137089.md?page=7)