Ongoing thread: The story of a five-dollar bill

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
141

:::::…reality shimers…:::::

Seven, who is racking up somewhat of a record of frequent flyer miles, appears beside Bubba in the ligh blue minivan that Ethel thought of privately as Captain Amazing, and says, “WTF, Bubba? How did yoou escape our sensors until now?”

Bubba responds, “Because I only appear to be a slightly overweight cigar smoking bleached blonde trailor park divorcee. In Reality copywrite 2002 Geffen Recording, I am a powerful wizard named… Tim. And I purposely hijacked your current timeline for my own evil purposes. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to meet Nikki JailBait and Rudiger at some seedy gin joint in Morroco. By the way, nice try in Tokyo. Too bad they’re all dead now! Bwahahahahahaha!”

Having prepared herself for the worse, Seven (yes, she is a ultra-reality babe from Girls Gone Wild 7 removes the lipstick case from her purse, revealing it as that horrific, outlawed in 26 (see the irony?) universes, deadly weapon known as…

142

… Cherry Red #10, with which she proceeds to refresh the coloring on her lips. She blots them with a tissue and then wipes a little red off of her teeth, and then…

143

…a sudden gust of wind blows the One True 26F from her grasp; it sails into Bank One Ballpark, in Phoenix, AZ, and comes to rest on the field just outside the field-level seats. A peanut vendor sees it, but before he can pick it up…

144

…a trash collector spears it with one of those pointy stick thingys. He needs all the cash and decides to buy himself a nice snack of peanuts. The peanut vendor is about to put it in his pocket when…

145

…Barry Bonds slices a wicked foul to right. The ball’s speed and location are just right to carry 26F outside the park, where it lands on the dashboard of a police car. The cop behind the wheel examines the bill carefully, and takes it to his crime lab, where…

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…an FBI investigator, on sabbatical and visiting some of his old buddies in the Arizona State Police’s crime lab, recognizes the faded telephone number written on the surface of the battered bill and shouts…

147

YALE WINS EASTERN TITLE
(He’s an old Yale man and some of the lab personnel were on the Yale football team with him.)
Seriously, he scrutinizes the bill and comments, “That’s the phone number for Nathan’s on Coney Island. Too far to go for dinner. I wish people wouldn’t use currency as scratch paper.” He scratches it :D, but says “Just wash it; there’s nothing incriminating about it unless you want to arrest people for being careless.”
The FBI man hands the bill back to the cop who was driving. He duly washes and dries it; later he exchanges it for quarters at the police station’s cashier window. (He has laundry to do in the laundry room at his paartment building.) 26F sits for a few weeks uin the petty-cash drawer until…

148

…it’s handed to the Station Chief, who is on the Friday-afternoon donut run. The Chief looks at it and suddenly realizes that it now appears completely genuine, yet the phone number and other scribbles are still on it.

In a certain secluded extra-dimensional meeting area, The First gathers the Team for a project-management meeting. They sit, crouch, perch, or ooze (as appropriate) on or in seats, cushions, perches, or containers (again, as appropriate) around the table, and settle in.

The First speaks. "Well, the situation is improving, but not as quickly as we might have hoped. The good news: most of the action is taking place in Timeline Q. Only three other timelines remain unmerged.

"Now, the bad news.

“One: we have only 16 hours left before the Sluggoth Terror can break free. Two: the copy of 26F in Timeline Q has inexplicably become counterfeit. This could draw unwanted attention. Three: a number of supernatural entities including Jesus, Methuselah, Manitou, Thor, Loki, and Elvis are interfering with our efforts to merge the timelines. And lastly… Seven has not returned.”

The First pauses. There is no sound but the departmental secretary in the corner, who is entering the meeting minutes into a twelve-dimensional Microsoft Project chart.

“Three. What remains to be done to merge the remaining rogue timelines?”

Three, who has been playing a ‘prerelease alpha’ of Doom III on his/her knuckletop, suddenly snaps to attention and focuses all five eyes on The First.

"Uh, well, in Timeline S, 26F has been in the vault of the Pacific Bank ever since it was deposited there by the Los Angeles transit authority. We should be able to merge that timeline to the main timeline as soon as we get the equipment aligned.

"In Timeline W, 26F was burned after Rudiger’s Porsche crashed. Not a lot we can do there without causing greater strain that there is already.

"Timeline K seems to have remerged on its own. I have no explanation for this.

"We lost Timeline B when R. Lee Ermey chose between the two probable banknotes and chose the wrong one! That left the provisional and somewhat contradictory Timeline F active, led to the note suddenly becoming counterfeit, and also was the last time we had a good fix on the location of Seven.

"It now appears that the choice was tampered with, perhaps by Loki. Jesus appeared in that timeline soon afterwards as well and left things rather muddled.

“So our best bet is to go with Timeline F, but to try to rationalize it as much as we can…”

The First sighs. “What a mess. These things always end up as snarls. And Project Management think that they can describe it all with GANTT charts!” He suddenly looks at the departmental secretary. “Uh, strike that from the record.”

The meeting continues. Meanwhile, in the Dimension of Death, a cellphone rings. And back in Timeline K, the Station Chief arrives at the donut shop…

149

…just as his cell phone rings.

“Odd,” he thinks to himself, “I don’t have a cell phone.”

As he fumbles in his size 46 long jacket for the myterious cell phone, he accidently bumbs into a stunningly beautiful dark haired woman with fair skin, grey eyes, and the most astonishingly red lips he has ever seen.

Smiling, he apologizes.

“Quite alright, really,” says Seven, reaching down to pick up her purse. “Um, have you seen a light blue minivan around here, Officer?”

The Chief, puzzled, answers, “What on Earth is a minivan?”

“Oh no!” says Seven, under her breath.

:::::reality shimmers:::::

“The phone call is for you, my dear Seven,” an unremarkable looking man in a leather duster and cowboy hat says. Seven looks down at the jingling sound from near his feet and sees ivory spurs on the man’s boots.

Recognizing him, she exclaims, “Loki!”

“Yes, now hand over that bill. And the other 26F you just lifted from the Chief.”

:::::reality shimmers::::

The First calls out, “Alert! Alert! Everyone available to timeline K! NOW!”

As Seven ponders the NINE, yes nine 26F’s in her hands, all manner of creatures begin to fill the donut shop. Some morph into shape from the napkin dispensers, some float like jelly doesn’t from out of the cielinf fans, some just happen to suddenly be there, like when you turm the page of a book and find yourself skiing with Sonny Bono.

In the distance, a sheep is startled. Another cat dies. A million monkeys appear at Cecil Adam’s door with a new version of Hamlet they’ve worked up.

And then, Seven knows what she must do. Looking around to make sure she is covered by her comrades, she…

150

…where the counter clerk wakes up from his acid trip and thinks “What the heck are timelines Q and all that crap?” and “I really shouldn’t be tripping on the job”. The cop has a “police discount” I.E. 100% off, but the cop feels generous today so he hands the the clerk 26F. The clerk pockets it. He later uses the bill as part of the transaction to buy more acid later on in the evening. He has that stupid “timeline” trip again, but this time…

151

Shoot mine was for Sunspace’s post! I hate simulposts!

152

…collapses in sobs.

“This is never going to work if we can’t merge all the lines back into one.”

Just then, the freaked out shop cleck comes over to her and offers her a jelly donut.

Smiling, Seven refuses and walks out into the night.

Meanwhile, on the mostly harmless side of town, a small time acid pusher counts his money. 26F is, of course in his hands too.

The pusher hears a strange noise, looks up, and squeals just as he is being shot by a large calibre handgun wielded by an unremarkable looking man dressed as a Vaquero.

Grinning, Loki picks up the 10th (maybe 11th) 26F, and wanders out into the night…

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(it’s all cool, Zamboni, they still fit in our freaked out story. Everything fits!)

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…to another donut shop, where she very cautiously… buys one specific donut.

*Back in the hastily-abandoned extra-dimensional meeting-room, the departmental secretary looks up from a game of Doom III with a sudden horrid realisation. The Team members had all gone to Timeline K, which may or may not still be in existence. And the “real” timeline (well, as real as anything ever got in this kind of affair, which, sometimes, wasn’t very real at all) was actually Timeline Q! Seven was simultaneously in Timeline F and a newly-arisen Timeline G! The muddle extended to the Team itself!

The departmental secretary frantically reviews the minutes of the meeting with a despairing feeling, and then hears (or perhaps imagines) Loki’s ghostly laughter, and a voice singing “Heartbreak Hotel”.

Then all Hell breaks loose.*

Meanwhile, at the donut shop…

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…a cockroach scampers across the counter…

156

…toting a small backpack and a camera. It heads for the cash drawer. Nobody notices…

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…because it was a chamelean cockroach. Designed by the CIA operative with surprisingly low intelligence and a prediliction for gambling.

It was drawn to the now corrupted micro transmitter in this particular 26F.

The acid tripping shop cleark is able to see it, though, and attempts to engage it in conversation.

“Hey, cockroach. What ya doin?”

The cockroach stops, turns around, and…

158

…replies in fluent Esperanto, “Nenion. Kial vi demandas? Cxu vi estas niano?” It waves its antennae.

The shop clerk’s eyes widen. “It speaks…!” For some reason–drug logic, perhaps–this comes as a complete surprise, even though the backpack and camera did not. “Yo quiero Taco Bell? Hasta la vista. Peligro!” The clerk starts to laugh uncontrollably. “Ha ha ha ha …urk.”

That last interjection arises when the cockroach suddenly scuttles up the clerk’s sleeve, goes all the way to the clerk’s ear, positions itself halfway in, grabs on, and hisses in accentless English: “You will let me into the cash drawer now. Or I’ll keep going till I come out your other ear.”

The terrified clerk wails, “Bugs! Bugs! Get it off me! Get it off me! Aaaahhhh!!!” He opens the cash drawer. The cockroach scuttles back down the clerk’s arm and vanishes among the banknotes.

A voice from the back of the donut shop snickers and says, “Hey, you come to work stoned again, Dave? Serves you right!” This was not the best reply. Enraged, the clerk leaves the cash desk and stomps into the back room…

Meanwhile, the members of the Team have used the distraction to exit the donut shop, following Seven and all the banknotes. They head to the other donut shop, where Seven has paid for her very specific donut.

In the Dimension of Death, Something answers the ringing cellphone…

159

“Fletcher, Smedley, Baker, and Tanakawa law firm, good morning!”
For the original 26F had inexplicably appeared in a suit pocket of George Fletcher, a criminal-defense attorney getting a deposition from Officer Klenzy Wiggo at the property office in the police station. Wiggo had a nasty habit of pilfering currency from the petty-cash drawer, although he always made the amount up before he went off-shift.
Now Fletcher stopped for coffee and a roll at his favorite Starbucks.
And then she walked in–almost six feet tall, lissome, sultry, in an expensive pantsuit–Mariel Fletcher Wahnsinn. George’s sister.
“Mom says you have to come home for dinner tonight.”
George whined, “Aw shucks! Do I have to do that again?”
George had paid for his roll and coffee with 26F, screwing up the Timeline pattern the alternate-world creatures had been appraising. “Humph! Lawyers!” The head thing blinked his six eyes and slithered away. Then George and Mariel slithered away.
Meanwhile, the Starbuck manager, balancing the till for the day, put a $10 in the till in place of 26F and five Sacajawea dollar coins. He spent them…

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…at the late night video arcade that was across the street from the apartment building he lived in. Georges Otto Flamsteed III, ‘Frodo’ to his friends, had a particular weakness for the jet ski interactive game Surf Nazis Must Die which only accepted Sacajawea dollars.

He was having a less than stellar evening at said game and decided to change 26F for some more dollar coins just to see if he possibly break 18,979, his previous top score. He had a secret desire to fill the Top Ten Winners screen with “Frodo, Frodo, Frodo…”

The video arcade attendant, a down on her luck ex prostitute/7-11 clerk named Sindee HandJob, when home shortly after the arcade shut down for the night, about 3:30 a.m.

As she entered her apartment, unit 26F, she had an uneasy feeling. As though something was out of place, something awful was about to happen, someone horrible was in her place.

As she reaches for the light switch, a hand stops her. A smooth, deep male voice says, “Sindee, you have something I need.”

Too frightened even to scream, Sindee turns around to face her assailant, rather surprised to see that it is…