# Onion Headlines **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 19, 2006, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276 "2006-09-19T16:12:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/1 "2006-09-19T16:12:18Z")
What are some of your favorites? Basketball Star Blames God for Defeat. Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants. ---
**Author:** ![yanceylebeef](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yanceylebeef/32/12290_2.png) [@yanceylebeef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yanceylebeef)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/2 "2006-09-19T16:26:40Z")
“God Answers Boys Prayers To Walk Again. God Says No.” Still makes me laugh out loud when I think about it. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/3 "2006-09-19T16:28:51Z")
I can’t remember the exact phrasing but it was something along the lines of “Fundamentalists Reject Gravity in Favor of ‘Intelligent Falling’” a coffee-snorter if there ever was one… ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/4 "2006-09-19T16:32:23Z")
[Holy Shit! Man Walks on Fucking Moon! Neil Armstrong’s Historic First Words on Moon: ‘Holy Living Fuck’](http://members.shaw.ca/rlongpre01/moon.html) ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/5 "2006-09-19T16:33:37Z")
the after 9/11 headline said it all… “Holy Fucking Shit” ---
**Author:** ![h.sapiens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e0b2c6/32.png) [@h.sapiens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/h.sapiens)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/6 "2006-09-19T16:41:18Z")
“Special Olympics Tee-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game” After Gene Siskel died: “Ebert Triumphant” ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/7 "2006-09-19T16:45:30Z")
[QUOTE=pulykamell] [Holy Shit! Man Walks on Fucking Moon! Neil Armstrong’s Historic First Words on Moon: ‘Holy Living Fuck’](http://members.shaw.ca/rlongpre01/moon.html) [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Dob] the after 9/11 headline said it all… “Holy Fucking Shit” [/QUOTE] **puly** meet **Dob** ; **Dob** meet **puly** - I think you two have a similar sense of humor! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Alistair\_McCello](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/58956e/32.png) [@Alistair\_McCello](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alistair_McCello)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/8 "2006-09-19T16:48:00Z")
My favorite is still the one for the begining of WWII from their book, **Our Stupid Century**. WA- Headline continued on p.2 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/9 "2006-09-19T16:49:34Z")
**[Shit Parking Ticket Fuck](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/32291)** ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/10 "2006-09-19T17:04:34Z")
[QUOTE=Alistair McCello] My favorite is still the one for the begining of WWII from their book, **Our Stupid Century**. WA- Headline continued on p.2 [/QUOTE] My favorite part of that front page is the slogan placed subtly in the corner: “Biggest typesetting in all the land!” (or something to that effect). ---
**Author:** ![Gordon\_Urquhart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@Gordon\_Urquhart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gordon_Urquhart)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/11 "2006-09-19T17:10:11Z")
[Shotgun Blast to Abdomen Just Pisses Wilford Brimley Off More](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/36292) ---
**Author:** ![Guy\_Incognito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guy_incognito/32/3920_2.png) [@Guy\_Incognito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guy_Incognito)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/12 "2006-09-19T17:30:40Z")
“Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.” “Dildo washed.” “Cub scout wishes they had taught him how to chew through ball gag.” ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/13 "2006-09-19T17:34:34Z")
[**Vatican Rescinds ‘Blessed’ Status Of World’s Meek _‘Screw The Meek,’ Says Pope_**](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28994) ---
**Author:** ![McDeath\_the\_Mad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a3d4f5/32.png) [@McDeath\_the\_Mad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/McDeath_the_Mad)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/14 "2006-09-19T17:34:56Z")
My favorite was after Shick released a 4 bladed razor: “Gillette Says Fuck-It, We’re Going to 5 Blades!” Ironically, they did! Then after Katrina: “Local man drives down and delivers aid his own damn self” I so look forward to Wednesday’s so I can get a good chuckle! MtM ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/15 "2006-09-19T17:38:12Z")
And this, from almost three years before the pope kicked: [**Excited Catholics Already Lining Up For Pope’s Funeral**](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27858) Put “Pope” in an Onion headline, and I guarantee _something’s_ gonna shoot out my nose. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/16 "2006-09-19T17:38:47Z")
[Scientists Discover Gene Responsible For Eating Whole Goddamn Bag Of Chips](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29381?issue=4227&special=1999) _ITHACA, NY—In an announcement with major implications for future generations of big fat hogs, Cornell University geneticists announced Monday that they have isolated the specific DNA series that makes an individual susceptible to eating a whole goddamn bag of chips._ [Alzheimer’s Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29738?issue=4227&special=1997) _WASHINGTON, DC—Alzheimer’s sufferers from across the nation marched on random buildings throughout Washington, D.C., Washington State, and Iowa City, IA, Monday, demanding that Congress prioritize finding a cure for pancakes, the nation’s third-leading breakfast food._ ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/17 "2006-09-19T18:07:18Z")
In a similar vein to the first two posts, [God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28251?issue=4228&special=2001). This one came out before the “Fusion”: [Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930?issue=4228&special=2004). On Bush’s inauguration: [Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28784?issue=4228&special=2001) [CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43014?issue=4228&special=2005) ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/18 "2006-09-19T18:15:04Z")
**Nabisco to discontinue unpopular "Wheat Thicks"** And, when Ronald Reagan died: **Nancy Reagan available** ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/19 "2006-09-19T18:21:52Z")
I can’t find the link - it must’ve come out before The Onion started archiving their articles online - but my all-time favorite headline was **One-Night Stand Give Strom Thurmond Change of Heart on Gay Issue**. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/20 "2006-09-19T18:31:45Z")
[Everything A Goddamn Ordeal in Area Family](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31717) Of course, it’s probably funnier if you come from a family where everything actually is a goddamn ordeal. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276.md?page=2)