# Onion Headlines **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 19, 2006, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276 "2006-09-19T16:12:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/21 "2006-09-19T18:33:09Z")
Jackie Robinson lynched for stealing second. Ant farm teaches children about toil, death. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/22 "2006-09-19T19:49:25Z")
Point/Counterpoint \*\*[U.S. Out of my uterus! We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden’s Uterus Immediately]([The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34180))\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/23 "2006-09-19T19:54:03Z")
[Inspirational Poster Kitten Falls To Death After 17 Years](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/35519) ---
**Author:** ![HubZilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@HubZilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HubZilla)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/24 "2006-09-19T19:57:25Z")
[QUOTE=Dob] the after 9/11 headline said it all… “Holy Fucking Shit” [/QUOTE] I liked one of the subheading better: Massive Attack on Pentagon Page 14 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/25 "2006-09-19T20:00:04Z")
[QUOTE=Jodi] [Inspirational Poster Kitten Falls To Death After 17 Years](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/35519) [/QUOTE] I love this! I’m going to print it out and hang it by my desk at work. ---
**Author:** ![Colophon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f05b48/32.png) [@Colophon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colophon)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/26 "2006-09-19T20:08:30Z")
[QUOTE=Jodi] [Inspirational Poster Kitten Falls To Death After 17 Years](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/35519) [/QUOTE] Ding ding! We have a winner! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![homeskillet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7ba0ec/32.png) [@homeskillet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/homeskillet)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/27 "2006-09-19T20:36:04Z")
**Pat Buchanan woos gay vote, "I promise I will not incinerate you"** **Denim shortage threatens raver industrusty** Point/Counter Point \*\*Oh… my… god! I am _so_ starving! \*\* By Token Valley Girl **Oh my God. I am so starving.** By small Ethiopean child ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/28 "2006-09-19T20:41:07Z")
[Picture Of Lemur Printed For No Goddamned Reason](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52713) ---
**Author:** ![Zakalwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zakalwe/32/270_2.png) [@Zakalwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zakalwe)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/29 "2006-09-19T20:49:22Z")
[QUOTE=yanceylebeef] “God Answers Boys Prayers To Walk Again. God Says No.” [/QUOTE] Also one of my all-time favorites. As is this: [Special Olympics Fixed - Many ‘Winners’ Found to Have Lost Badly](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/50102?issue=4227&special=1996) ---
**Author:** ![Fromage\_A\_Trois](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fromage\_A\_Trois](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fromage_A_Trois)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/30 "2006-09-19T21:12:54Z")
[Kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51603) [Area man calls for immediate release of his endorphins](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51124) [Caltech Physicists Successfully Split The Bill](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52324) - although the headline’s pretty good, I loved the closing line: “The group celebrated by making plans to all go out to Charlie’s Steakhouse next weekend in an attempt to find the largest prime rib”. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/31 "2006-09-19T21:30:11Z")
All time favourite: [**Amish give up: ‘This is bullshit’, elders say**](http://www.tobiasly.com/misc/onion/) And: **Hamburger helped** and the worst of the best: **Child abuse: how much is too much?** ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/32 "2006-09-19T21:42:11Z")
I’ve always been a fan of [Wildfire Somehow Rages Back Into Control](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/35573). And, of course [Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28331). ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/33 "2006-09-19T21:44:04Z")
[Studies reveal; Babies are Stupid!](http://www.onion.demon.co.uk/theonion/other/babies/stupidbabies.htm) [QUOTE=The Onion] According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine infant survival instincts when attacked, the babies were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels. ``` "It is unlikely that the presence of the babies' fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said. Another test, in which the infants were placed on a mound of dirt outdoors during a torrential downpour, produced similarly bleak results. "The chicken, dog and even worm babies that we submitted to the test as a control group all had enough sense to come in from the rain or, at least, seek shelter under a leafy clump of vegetation or outcropping of rock," test supervisor Thomas Howell said. "The human babies, on the other hand, could not grasp even this incredibly basic concept, instead merely lying on the ground and making gurgling noises." According to Howell, almost 60 percent of the infants tested in this manner eventually drowned. Some of the babies tested were actually so stupid that they choked to death on pieces of Micronaut space toys. Others, unable to use such primitive instruments as can openers and spoons due to insufficient motor skills, simply starved to death, despite being surrounded by cabinets full of nutritious, life-giving Gerber-brand baby-food products. ``` [/quote] ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/34 "2006-09-19T22:30:23Z")
[Nation’s Dog Owners Demand To Know Who’s A Good Boy](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28037) [Just Wait 'Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33174?issue=4228&special=2002) [sub]By Freddie The Lobster[/sub] Everything by Columnist [Larry Groznic](http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/groznic) Point / Counterpoint: [We gave Rex To A Nice Farm Family](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34174) [sub]By Marjorie Dorner[/sub] [They Had Me Put To Sleep At The Vet](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34174) [sub]By Rex[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Rysto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecccb3/32.png) [@Rysto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysto)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/35 "2006-09-19T22:32:39Z")
War Declared By All! Austria Declares War on Serbia Declares War on Germany Declares War on France Declares War on Turkey Declares War on Russia Declares War on Bulgaria Declares War on Britain _Ottoman Empire Almost Declares War on Itself_ _Nations Struggle To Remember Allies_ ---
**Author:** ![YellowTail](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b5ac83/32.png) [@YellowTail](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YellowTail)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/36 "2006-09-19T23:28:11Z")
Clinton Feels Nation’s Pain, Breasts ---
**Author:** ![FrantzJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7c8e57/32.png) [@FrantzJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FrantzJ)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/37 "2006-09-19T23:35:36Z")
I love these: “Sudanese 14-year-old has midlife crisis.” “Bassist unaware rock band Christian.” “Bush addresses 8.2 million unemployed: ‘Get a job!’” For shear creativity, though, this one takes the cake, even if it’s not as ha-ha-funny: “Scholars discover 23 blank pages that may as well be lost Samuel Beckett play.” ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/38 "2006-09-20T00:04:41Z")
[QUOTE=Rysto] War Declared By All! Austria Declares War on Serbia Declares War on Germany Declares War on France Declares War on Turkey Declares War on Russia Declares War on Bulgaria Declares War on Britain _Ottoman Empire Almost Declares War on Itself_ _Nations Struggle To Remember Allies_ [/QUOTE] **French Surrender** ---
**Author:** ![Corporate\_Hippie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/65b543/32.png) [@Corporate\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corporate_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/39 "2006-09-20T00:41:48Z")
[Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28574) [Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs - ‘Oh, Shit,’ Says Humanity](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28315) ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/40 "2006-09-20T02:57:12Z")
[QUOTE=Alistair McCello] My favorite is still the one for the begining of WWII from their book, **Our Stupid Century**. WA- Headline continued on p.2 [/QUOTE] I’ve been waiting for 10 hours for someone to drop the other shoe. R [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276.md?page=3)